Am I being financially abused?

[MadDogMama]

Met DH 16 years ago.Got joint mortgage 11 y ago. Equally entry financially.
He insisted on joint finances after his ExW ripped him off for thousands on several separate occasions.
We are now mortgage free on both our home and rental property.
I now feel like I am suffering the consequences of ExW's actions.
We have a joint account where the only income is my salary. Everything we owe, bills etc. Is paid from this account. He has visibility of this. He also has a separate business account which I have no visibility of, and from which he contributes zero to our joint account.
More recently He questioned a transaction I made to a friend which was for a spa weekend.

I honestly feel like I'm going out of my mind, I can't spend a penny without it being seen or questioned (noting that I earn my own money)

He gets a lot of cash from his business which he offers to me like I'm the little woman in need of pocket money, and I fucking hate it!!!

AIBU? Do I need to set up separate accounts.? What else?

I can't stand this anymore.

I know some of you think he's a dick, his behaviour regarding money is completely unacceptable (and something that I am no longer prepared to tolerate), but we are happily married, and providing we can resolve this issue now, I have no intention of leaving him. I love him deeply.

You are the living embodiment of a boiled frog. My god. I can’t believe you’ve paid for everything for so long, including paying off the mortgage. How can he contribute nothing?!

He must have a golden cock or something. To me (and probably just about everyone else here) he sounds like a common-or-garden financial abuser. A ‘bit of a cunt’, if you will.

That comes into the joint account.

No, he has absolutely no issue with me going on spa breaks, I go regularly. I also holiday abroad with friends and he has no issue at all.

DD is almost 8.

Thanks for replying - at least that is a positive
I was concerned that it was disappearing into his accounts

So he takes cash payments for the business, spends the cash rather than banking it because the branch is far away and his son pays back personal loans into the business account - none of that sounds legit at all!

I'm not convinced the exwife did a number on him based on his own financially abusive treatment of you, OP.

Get your own bank account. Tell him you will each be contributing equally/proportionally to the bills. Tell him you will not justify spending your own hard earned money as you see fit (within reason).

Agreed. You say "He isn't diddling the taxman" but treating this business account as if it was a personal account is suspicious at best and, if he's running a limited company, definitely wrong.

This, with bells on.

but why are you being punished for his ex wife taking advantage! it's actually totally irrelevant about what happened with his ex - nothing to do with you and not up to you to make him trust you! these are his issues!

id tell my employer to change my bank acc details back to a personal bank account and clear out that join account immediately!

Then split the outgoings 50/50 (or proportionate to your income! and you pay your half and tell him to pay his!) then you should both have equal spending money left at the end and it's fair!!

Regardless of you now having some oversight of his business account you MUST have an separate bank account of your own. It's astonishing to me that you can't see the need for that. It's basic independence and security, especially as a woman.

So what does come out of the 'not-a-joint-account'? Groceries, utility bills, insurances, , car expenses, petrol, child's clothes/school costs/trip, after school club, sports fees?. Did nursery fees and childcare come from the not joint account?
If not, does he pay any or some of these directly?

Because of these all come out of the 'not a joint account' and he wasn't paying half, then you've been overpaying for YEARS for all the household spending. No wonder he has savings, (in an account you cannot access), and you almost certainly don't have an equivalent level of savings because you were paying for everything. So he owes you half the household spending, retrospectively, for as long as this has been going on for.

See what he says to that!

But its a shitty, inequitable, way of contributing. It doesn’t match the OP’s contribution and includes a hefty dose of condescension. He doesn’t enjoy asking OP for largesse when he wants to pay for his DS.

Its obvious that he considers the household and OP’s child to be her assigned cost while he pays for his original children and stores up money for himself. However he likes posing to himself and outsiders and dd as generous so he does sn occasional grand cash gesture.

@MadDogMama - another here who is really unconvinced about the story about his ex-wife. Have you heard her take on it? Remember this is a man who wants a joint account into which only you pay money, who is happy to have you paying all the bills.

You haven’t explained how you got into a position where you are paying for everything and why only your salary goes into the joint account (which he could empty at any time). Also - how did he so manipulate you so that you have actually told him not to bother giving you money?

You don’t have to explain it to us but I think you need to work out for yourself how this man was allowed to talk you into this position and you accepted it. There are no justifications for what he’s done. It doesn’t matter what his wife did. This arrangement is pure abuse of you.

You need to get your own account for your salary; you can transfer 50% of the amount needed for household expenses to the joint account and he should also transfer in an equal amount. The expenses can be paid from the joint account.

Who said it was limited?

No-one did, hence why I said 'if'.

"Dear Mumsnet, am I being unreasonable? My husband calls me a pig in front of my children and I pay for everything and clean up after him all day. Don't get me wrong, he is a wonderful Father and a good man. Just looking for some perspective."

What a ridiculous comment. Grow up.

Glad he has agreed to a better way forward op

Why though apart from the pig comment it is pretty much what you have said.

his fear of being mistreated by you because of his ex wife has led him to mistreat you. You clearly from some of your posts on here are no pushover so why are you accepting this

The quote has skewed what I have said, he doesn't verbally abuse me in front of my child, he doesn't make me do all the cleaning. It's complete nonsense and said because some MNs love to twist the words of an OP to create drama.

If you've read the whole thread, you will have seen that I am NOT accepting this any longer.

yes I have seen that but I think rightly you are angry about it because he in effect has done to you what was done to him, you have carried far too much. Simply changing it and glossing over that perhaps isn’t helpful. Because what he did was very wrong, no he didn’t verbally abuse you (and I said that) but ultimately he hadn’t treated you as his wife or partner in any of this expecting you to carry more.

Setup your own account. Talk about sharing bills or have an a/c for it. Not realistic to expect you to pay for everything.

Check on companies house his tax returns, it will give you an indication if you're seeing the truth in that account.

He needs to contribute 50% towards all bills etc, not just supply a fund for you to dip into.

He doesn't want complete transparency and joint finances. He wants complete transparency of YOUR finances and access to YOUR account

I'm in a very similar situation, uncannily so.

DH says he has no money.

Yes, it's abuse.

I have spelled it out to DH many many times, including recently.

Agreeing to change/ take matters seriously and actually doing so are two different things.

In the end, does a leopard ever change his spots?

hi @MadDogMama its been nearly a year since you last posted. Has your situation improved?

FFS OP, you each need your own account and a jointly account that you both put money into each month to cover all household costs. You might want to put some in fir transfer to a joint savings account.

Get a new account set up today for your salary to be paid into.

He is abusing you.