Am I being financially abused?

[MadDogMama]

Met DH 16 years ago.Got joint mortgage 11 y ago. Equally entry financially.
He insisted on joint finances after his ExW ripped him off for thousands on several separate occasions.
We are now mortgage free on both our home and rental property.
I now feel like I am suffering the consequences of ExW's actions.
We have a joint account where the only income is my salary. Everything we owe, bills etc. Is paid from this account. He has visibility of this. He also has a separate business account which I have no visibility of, and from which he contributes zero to our joint account.
More recently He questioned a transaction I made to a friend which was for a spa weekend.

I honestly feel like I'm going out of my mind, I can't spend a penny without it being seen or questioned (noting that I earn my own money)

He gets a lot of cash from his business which he offers to me like I'm the little woman in need of pocket money, and I fucking hate it!!!

AIBU? Do I need to set up separate accounts.? What else?

I can't stand this anymore.

The cash thing isn’t him contributing, it’s him making himself out to be generous while not actually contributing fairly. Note the ’I’ll treat mummy’ fuckery from the man who doesn’t pay for the basic costs.

"Just to say, I completely believe that his ExW ripped him off, I know a lot of detail about it and it happened repeatedly over the course of their marriage, it is also the reason they separated".

You've made reference to his exW's behaviour several times. Most abusers (regardless of the nature of their abuse) have something in their past that contributes to their abusive personality. You need to be very clear in your own mind that a (possible) explanation is not an excuse. His exW may very well have done some nasty shit to him but that does not entitle him to do nasty shit to you. Do not accept any excuses, especially ones you make on his behalf.

Agree with this and how it’s a public display of seeming generosity when you’re paying for him. It’s a total mockery and he’s getting kicks out of it.
Essentially, your DH is a cocklodger.

I just don't understand how it ever came to him stopping paying his share of the bills. Why wasn't a transfer from his business account arranged.

If you’re going to put a stop to this OP, take all your money out of the joint a/c first.

He could transfer the lot to himself if he decides to get nastier than he already is

It might also be worth your while to do some quiet digging around for any evidence of his finances in case you need to show a lawyer.

Because from the sounds of it, he makes the cash thing sound like he's doing her a favour/ giving her a treat! Rather than what it should be which is him paying his fair share/ what he owes. So no the two are not equivalent.

Also I think it's unfair to blame the Ex, it was two decades ago, and you only have his word for it. HE is the one mistreating you, stop deflecting the blame and deal with HIS behaviour. Starting with closing the joint account and opening up your own.

so he is screwing you over because his ex wife screwed him over? If he insisted on joint finances then why isn't he paying his share?

Also, is he defrauding HMRC? You mention that he gets a lot of cash from his business that he offers to you, so just wondering. If he is, then that may be why he doesn't want to pay equally, because he isn't declaring the income?

I wouldn't be accepting cash from him though. He needs to be paying an equal amount directly from his bank account.

Ongoing, he needs to accept that he is now financially abusing you. You don't want his money, but you should both be paying equally for the house bills and maintenance, food etc.

Download the MSE budget planner, so that you can sit down together and go through all your monthly and annual costs. He will need to show you his bank statements and financial accounts etc for full disclosure so that you can work everything out.

I agree that he also needs counselling to talk his issues through.

If he won't pay his way then he needs to accept that he is now doing to you what his ex wife did to him and that you cannot tolerate that.

He doesn't contribute, I pay for all the household bills and grocery shopping

How on earth does he think this is fair.

Why can’t you have a conversation about this.

Also make sure that Ring money goes into the joint account as that's where the bill is paid from.
You've had alot of good advice but you have alot to change to get him contributing 50/50.

Its not ok to punish you for her actions. He needs to be an adult and get help for his issues because he is financially abusing you and being controlling and there are zero excuses that justify that. Dealing with trust issues around money and transparency around financial issues could happen in various ways, but always involves mutual transparency. One person putting all their money into an account and the other putting a bit in when they feel like it and monitoring it and being nasty if they dont approve of something that's spent, is the opposite of transparency, its controlling and abusive behaviour. The fact you had to ask if this behaviour was abusive clearly shows how much this has been normalised for you. His behaviour, his attitudes, his reactions and beliefs is why you're here asking if behaviour that is clearly abusive is abusive.

You should have a personal account anyway where tour salary is paid. By all means contribute your fair SHARE to joint but don't lose control over your own.

So he was allegedly financially abused by his ex, but thinks it ok to do the same to you?

I can’t actually believe what I’m reading! He is treating you appallingly & he’s warped your mind so much, you actually believe he is a nice guy?

This isn’t just financial abuse, He’s a control freak!

Find your anger, & kick him into touch. What would you think if this was happening to one of your children when they’re older? What advice would you give them?

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your responses and I'm feeling like a right royal idiot this morning for allowing this to have gone on for so long.

I know what is happening isn't right and I'm going to fix it, one way or another.
We spoke after the school run and he asked what I wanted. I told him either complete transparency for us both, or separate accounts and a joint account for expenses/bills which we would pay into equally each month. I also asked him to flip it and asked how he would feel if roles were reversed, I think that hit home.
For now he has given me access to his business account and he is going to leave a "float" of cash which I can access as and when I need to without him offering it to me, or me having to ask.
We still have a lot to work through to make this situation fair and equal, but it's a start.

I know some of you think he's a dick, his behaviour regarding money is completely unacceptable (and something that I am no longer prepared to tolerate), but we are happily married, and providing we can resolve this issue now, I have no intention of leaving him. I love him deeply.

@MadDogMama I think you will most likely find that he has at least one personal account in his name! he will not leave a ton of money in his business account and his son will not be paying back for the ring doorbell via the business account either! your dh's accountant, at the end of the financial year, will want to know where all income has come from and outgoing gone to, just to make your everything is legitimate. also, it is pretty obvious that he is diddling the tax man when he deal so much in cash. I do not believe that he is declaring all his income to either you or the tax man! you have actually been foolish to pay off the mortgage using your inheritance. is there anything signed to the effect between the pair of you? if you split I doubt he will give you half before the sale of the house. I hope that the house is at least in joint names or has he changed that too???

You actually believe that he will change overnight?

The houses are both in joint names, everything is.

He isn't diddling the taxman, the nature of his business just means that he attracts more cash. He doesn't bank it frequently as we live in a small village and our nearest branch is some distance away.

No, I don't. But I have made it very clear that it must change and I'm going to give him the opportunity to make things right.

Because it makes you feel small, because they use it as a stick to beat you with, because its better to take the hit to your finances than the one to your sense of self worth. Just guessing, my issue was with XH 'helping' with other things. I was supposed to be grateful and thankful that he did any tiny little thing around the house or with the kids. When you're made to feel you're completely unreasonable when you ask for things you should get naturally from a loving partner you tend to stop asking.

Last week I wanted to buy a new pillow, a decent and expensive one, and he made this show in the shop to our DD that he was "going to treat Mummy" and got his wallet out to pay (I was fucking livid). That's nasty and smug and not the actions of a good guy. He's purposely trying to create a false impression with your DD.

He needs to pay half for bills/food automatically, without you having to ask for it, beg for it or ‘access’. Just pay, because he is the other 50% of people in the house.

What did he say about his son’s Amazon stuff coming out of your account?

How much has he saved whilst you have been paying for everything?

Did he acknowledge at all that his behaviour was wrong or was it all just shoved under the carpet with he'll try to do better or all blamed on the ex and his trust issues? He doesn't get to put this on her, whatever she did doesn't justify him doing this. He has no excuse and how he's treated you is on him, he needs to realise he's responsible for what he's put you through.

At this stage he’s just using the ex wife as an excuse to control your spending. It’s your money. You owe him nothing. It’s either full transparency of all accounts or separate private accounts and a shared account for bills into with you both put an agreed direct debit every month.

Good to see you're making some progress OP.

I think it would help you enormously if you consulted a financial adviser and family law solicitor on your own. You have no intention of getting divorced but what if that changes? You should explore the scenario of him leaving you and what your future security would look like. You're living in the bubble of being financially comfortable right now but that bubble could burst and then where would you be? Have you made your wills? How secure are you if he dies first? What's the pension situation? All this needs sorting out with expert financial help. Don't believe a word he tells you because he's been cheating you and squirrelling away funds for himself.

I also think you're entitled to see all of his financial paperwork, not just his business account. Tell him you need complete transparency or this relationship is in serious trouble. You need to be able to trust him 100% and right now you can't because he has a warped attitude to money (no excuses about the ex - you refuse to be punished for her behaviour).

It's outrageous that he's using your money to buy things for his adult son. That has to stop - how long has that been going on? I bet he's been spending your money on his kids and himself for years while piling up his own resources that you can't touch and don't even know about.

Please stay angry and get that expert advice/assistance.

He let's you pay for everything.

But makes a big show of treating you in public.

This is not the behaviour of a good man.

To say your marriage is 'otherwise great' is ridiculous.

It's great because you pay for everything, have no privacy or transparency whilst he is free to comment on your spending.

It's underpinned by distrust, lack of respect and meanness.

I'm afraid you have absolutely no idea how he spends his money and if he's paid tax correctly. How could you?

I hope there are no nasty surprises in store.

The test of your marriage is going to be how he puts things right.

Apologies if I missed this but where does the income from the rental properties (that you both own) end up?

In the short term definitely open your own sole account to either have your salary paid into and put your share of the bills into the joint account, or to take out a sum of money monthly that is yours to spend as you wish without dissection on your spending.

It may not be deliberate but as well as being financially controlled, it feels like he may also be controlling of your activities, so he doesn't approve of you having a spa trip with a friend, or am I reading that wrong ?

What age is your DD ?