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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being financially abused?

130 replies

MadDogMama · 18/02/2024 22:21

Met DH 16 years ago.Got joint mortgage 11 y ago. Equally entry financially.
He insisted on joint finances after his ExW ripped him off for thousands on several separate occasions.
We are now mortgage free on both our home and rental property.
I now feel like I am suffering the consequences of ExW's actions.
We have a joint account where the only income is my salary. Everything we owe, bills etc. Is paid from this account. He has visibility of this. He also has a separate business account which I have no visibility of, and from which he contributes zero to our joint account.
More recently He questioned a transaction I made to a friend which was for a spa weekend.

I honestly feel like I'm going out of my mind, I can't spend a penny without it being seen or questioned (noting that I earn my own money)

He gets a lot of cash from his business which he offers to me like I'm the little woman in need of pocket money, and I fucking hate it!!!

AIBU? Do I need to set up separate accounts.? What else?

I can't stand this anymore.

OP posts:
ByQuaintAzureWasp · 27/01/2025 10:00

Where does the money from the rental property go? Is the property jointly owned?

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 27/01/2025 10:09

MadDogMama · 19/02/2024 10:03

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your responses and I'm feeling like a right royal idiot this morning for allowing this to have gone on for so long.

I know what is happening isn't right and I'm going to fix it, one way or another.
We spoke after the school run and he asked what I wanted. I told him either complete transparency for us both, or separate accounts and a joint account for expenses/bills which we would pay into equally each month. I also asked him to flip it and asked how he would feel if roles were reversed, I think that hit home.
For now he has given me access to his business account and he is going to leave a "float" of cash which I can access as and when I need to without him offering it to me, or me having to ask.
We still have a lot to work through to make this situation fair and equal, but it's a start.

I know some of you think he's a dick, his behaviour regarding money is completely unacceptable (and something that I am no longer prepared to tolerate), but we are happily married, and providing we can resolve this issue now, I have no intention of leaving him. I love him deeply.

Well done op, sounds like you've sorted it out.

Original poster
MadDogMama · 27/01/2025 13:40

RadFs · 27/01/2025 09:37

hi @MadDogMama its been nearly a year since you last posted. Has your situation improved?

Hi 👋🏻
It has indeed! I now have my own bank account and my DH contributes to the joint account.
All is well that ends well.
Thanks for asking 🙂

OP posts:
RadFs · 27/01/2025 13:45

MadDogMama · 27/01/2025 13:40

Hi 👋🏻
It has indeed! I now have my own bank account and my DH contributes to the joint account.
All is well that ends well.
Thanks for asking 🙂

Show quote history

Hello. That’s good to hear. Glad you nipped it in the bud when you did and that’s made your life a lot better x

Shinyandnew1 · 27/01/2025 18:17

Good! Does he contribute the same amount as you?

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