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Original poster

Am I being financially abused?

130 replies

MadDogMama · 18/02/2024 22:21

Met DH 16 years ago.Got joint mortgage 11 y ago. Equally entry financially.
He insisted on joint finances after his ExW ripped him off for thousands on several separate occasions.
We are now mortgage free on both our home and rental property.
I now feel like I am suffering the consequences of ExW's actions.
We have a joint account where the only income is my salary. Everything we owe, bills etc. Is paid from this account. He has visibility of this. He also has a separate business account which I have no visibility of, and from which he contributes zero to our joint account.
More recently He questioned a transaction I made to a friend which was for a spa weekend.

I honestly feel like I'm going out of my mind, I can't spend a penny without it being seen or questioned (noting that I earn my own money)

He gets a lot of cash from his business which he offers to me like I'm the little woman in need of pocket money, and I fucking hate it!!!

AIBU? Do I need to set up separate accounts.? What else?

I can't stand this anymore.

OP posts:
ChocolateCinderToffee · 19/02/2024 04:39

I’d bet his ex didn’t do him over, she just got what she was entitled to.

AgentJohnson · 19/02/2024 05:09

Him not contributing to the joint account has fuck all to do with his Ex and everything to do with him being a knob.

Open your own account and transfer your portion of the bills and grocery shopping to the joint account inform him of this and suggest he does the same.

I bet he’s a knob in other ways.

Original poster
MadDogMama · 19/02/2024 08:18

When we got together he was employed, both our salaries were paid into the joint account at the time and whatever was leftover after bills and mortgage, we banked into a joint savings account.
He then set up a business account when he went self-employed and so his income from his business was obviously paid into that account for ease of managing his accounts.
We are both decent earners and as I say, neither of us are big spenders. More recently I received an amount of inheritance when my late Grandmother passed away, which I decided I wanted to use to pay off the mortgage. This was completely my choice and in no way influenced by DH, he told me it was my choice what I did with it.
Over the years, there has always been more than enough from my income and our rental income to pay for everything, including enough to pay regularly into the savings account, so I've never really questioned it.
We are very comfortable financially, money isn't an issue. The issue I have is with him having full transparency of what I do with my money (not that I have anything to hide) and he has complete privacy.
He knows that I don't like it, we have had the conversation many times about me hating him offering me cash, or having to ask for it if my purse is empty. I've mentioned he earns a lot of cash in his business so we are cash spenders as opposed to using our cards.
A couple of years ago I lost my shit about the cash thing and I told him I will never ask for another penny from him again, as it makes me feel like he is funding me, when the opposite is true.
Last week I wanted to buy a new pillow, a decent and expensive one, and he made this show in the shop to our DD that he was "going to treat Mummy" and got his wallet out to pay (I was fucking livid).
Then there was the comment about why I'd transferred £180 to my friend (spa break).
On Saturday night we had a very calm discussion about everything and I told him I am unhappy with our financial set up, but there was no real resolution.
Yesterday, I logged into my Amazon account (linked to the "joint" account) and saw that he had ordered some Ring equipment for his adult DS. I asked him about it and he said that DS would pay us back. But.... DS will pay "us" back by transferring to my DH business account!!
I went completely silent and took myself upstairs and made this post. I've barely slept as I'm seething about it, it's like the straw that broke the camels back.
I've completely had enough.
He will be angry today about my disappearing act, but if possible, I want to try to have another calm conversation about it.
If we can't reach an agreement then I will be setting up a personal account and paying my income into that, I will then insist we pay 50% into the joint account for bills and DDs activities.

Just to say, I completely believe that his ExW ripped him off, I know a lot of detail about it and it happened repeatedly over the course of their marriage, it is also the reason they separated.

OP posts:
Chicaontour · 19/02/2024 08:25

You are not angry enough.

  1. he is using his experience with his ex by doing the same to you
  2. to be clear he is financially abusing you
  3. he is manipulating you by giving you poor me
  4. he is gas lighting you by talking about a joint account that has a sole contributor. You are not half angry enough
HomeTheatreSystem · 19/02/2024 08:28

"Last week I wanted to buy a new pillow, a decent and expensive one, and he made this show in the shop to our DD that he was "going to treat Mummy" and got his wallet out to pay (I was fucking livid)."

This nonsense isn't because his ex ripped him off. He has a problem with money within a relationship, end of. His ex was probably driven to distraction by it the same way you are, and she punished him for it.

JacksonLambsEatIvy · 19/02/2024 08:29

Chicaontour · 19/02/2024 08:25

You are not angry enough.

  1. he is using his experience with his ex by doing the same to you
  2. to be clear he is financially abusing you
  3. he is manipulating you by giving you poor me
  4. he is gas lighting you by talking about a joint account that has a sole contributor. You are not half angry enough

Exactly this.

He IS abusing you. He has never intended for there to be ‘joint finances’ because you’ve been the only one expected to share.

Tbh, my money is on the evil exW story actually being one where he financially abused her and views having to give her any of the marital assets as her ripping him off.

Sparklfairy · 19/02/2024 08:33

This is an adjacent issue, rather than directly related to the financial abuse, but I'm curious why you keep saying things like this:

He gets a lot of cash from his business which he offers to me like I'm the little woman in need of pocket money, and I fucking hate it!!!

A couple of years ago I lost my shit about the cash thing and I told him I will never ask for another penny from him again, as it makes me feel like he is funding me, when the opposite is true.

Why do you refuse to take money from him, when you're already paying for everything? I'm probably missing something, but it feels a bit like you're cutting your nose off to spite your face, and he's taking full advantage?

It's like you have your pride and cherish your independence, yet resent him when he does pay for the odd thing. I totally get that it's the way he offers it to you like he's doing you some big favour, but I'm not sure how the situation is going to get any better if you refuse to take anything. That's the bit I'm confused about.

Personally, I'd be swallowing my pride and making more requests, for more money, for more things. And sorting out your bank account so you have privacy. But it seems there's a conflict between your feelings about how you pay for everything that are at two opposite ends of the spectrum.

32degrees · 19/02/2024 08:35

Is he had been the victim of financial abuse I think he'd be more conscious of not doing it to a person he loved.

It's not enough to shift your income from now on and pay half going forward. What about the years and years of him feathering his nest while you paid all the bills?!

Treating you to a pillow indeed. What a hero.

Where is all 'his' money? Has he genuinely saved it? Is it gambled away? Blown on OnlyFans?

Why is he suspiciously monitoring your spending? Usually people accuse others of what they are doing themselves.

Get angry. Tell him you expect complete and total transparency and reciprocity in relation to finances. Since he has access and visibility over yours, you will have access and visibility over his. All bills will be split.

How the fuck can he justify this?

Does he just hate women?

YouCanHearItInTheSilence · 19/02/2024 08:39

How does he justify making zero contribution to bills and food shopping? How can he complain about having been ripped off in a previous relationship when he contributes nothing at all to the household finances and keeps all his money to himself, meaning that you pay for everything? And why will his son pay back money into the business account - is he using a business account like a personal one? Does he spend from it for non-business transactions? That sounds like he could potentially get into trouble somewhere down the line. I'd be concerned about the whole situation and what he's up to.

Original poster
MadDogMama · 19/02/2024 08:40

Sparklfairy · 19/02/2024 08:33

This is an adjacent issue, rather than directly related to the financial abuse, but I'm curious why you keep saying things like this:

He gets a lot of cash from his business which he offers to me like I'm the little woman in need of pocket money, and I fucking hate it!!!

A couple of years ago I lost my shit about the cash thing and I told him I will never ask for another penny from him again, as it makes me feel like he is funding me, when the opposite is true.

Why do you refuse to take money from him, when you're already paying for everything? I'm probably missing something, but it feels a bit like you're cutting your nose off to spite your face, and he's taking full advantage?

It's like you have your pride and cherish your independence, yet resent him when he does pay for the odd thing. I totally get that it's the way he offers it to you like he's doing you some big favour, but I'm not sure how the situation is going to get any better if you refuse to take anything. That's the bit I'm confused about.

Personally, I'd be swallowing my pride and making more requests, for more money, for more things. And sorting out your bank account so you have privacy. But it seems there's a conflict between your feelings about how you pay for everything that are at two opposite ends of the spectrum.

That's a really fair point. Maybe I do need to think about the cash thing as his way of contributing.
I genuinely hadn't thought about it from that perspective.

OP posts:
StuntNun · 19/02/2024 08:44

If you're both working and you're paying all the bills on your own then, yes, you're being financially abused. For all you know he's putting all his income into his pension and he's going to be loaded when you both retire while you're still paying all the bills out of your pension and you're broke.

Lifebeganat50 · 19/02/2024 08:48

Pashazade · 18/02/2024 22:38

Open your own account for your salary, only pay into the joint account what you need to for 50% of the bills! I don't know who he thinks he is but he's trying to take you for a ride and he's got a nerve cross examining what you spend when it's your money!

I’d go with this, you don’t have a joint account in the true sense of the meaning, it’s your account to which he has access!

Whats good for him is good for you

Freddoflation · 19/02/2024 08:48

He's not a good man of he's doing this op.

FawnFrenchieMum · 19/02/2024 08:49

TheSmallAssassin · 18/02/2024 22:32

I would open up a separate account and start paying your salary into that, then work out what your joint outgoings are and tell him that from now on you will only be paying half of that into the joint account and he needs to contribute the rest.

This ^^

Ready4ActionRyderSir · 19/02/2024 08:53

Presuming this is the only issue and you want to stay together… I’d do the following

convert current account your salary going into into a joint account and add on DH name.

open a second account, only in your name, change your salary to be paid into this account.

tell him the monthly DD he needs to pay in to cover his half of the bills. Tell him you’ve set up your DD already (and do so).

if he’s not happy with this, and you’ve had a frank discussion about why the change was needed, then I’d be very unhappy and want to leave.

Pumpkinpie1 · 19/02/2024 09:01

Yes he is.
Its now up to you to stop it.
Open your own account and pay your wage into it. Pay your own personal expenses from your own account not his ie your gym membership but not his personal bills.
Work out a fair amount and transfer it into the joint account, half joint bills.
I would do this before telling him.

Hes acting like his money is his and yours is joint.
What is he actually doing with his money? Is he in debt , gambling ?

Morecurlywurly · 19/02/2024 09:02

Absolutely, this is financial abuse.

The joint account is so he can say he’s been contributing to bills etc ( when he hasn’t ).
This might be in case you also become the ex .. this must be at the back of his mind.Trust issues as you say.

Do you know for sure that the ExW screwed him over or is it just what he’s told you ? Have you seen evidence of it?

Just a thought, but could it have been the other way round ( like what he’s doing to you?)

He’s saving loads of money at your expense isn’t he?
And questions how you spend you own money!

Pashazade · 19/02/2024 09:02

With your added comment about there being a lot of actual cash money in play, if he's not happy with transferring the electronic funds each month he can leave you a nice pile of notes on the table can't he! For his share of all the bills etc.

TheRealKatnissEverdeen · 19/02/2024 09:06

Sorry OP but this was a frustrating read of updates unless I've missed something and apologies if I have.
Just because you earn enough and you have rental income does not explain why your husband doesn't pay his share into a joint account.
It sounds as though it has been this way for a while and none of your updates explain why you've been ok with it.
Unless you both agreed that your salary is to cover things. Is this the case?

Why do you need to have another discussion regarding him scrutinising your spending when you could just open another account and divert your salary into this and then send what you need to the joint account.

HarrietTheFireStarter · 19/02/2024 09:08

It's not a real partnership if there is mistrust and secrets. This sounds like a very unpleasant set up.

ARMSDOWN · 19/02/2024 09:09

Joint accounts can be dangerous. I specialise in economic abuse and yes, you are experiencing economic abuse. If he freezes your joint account, you can't then unfreeze it without him also agreeing to. He could withdraw everything tomorrow and there'd be nothing you could do about it as it legally belongs to both of you. Own account asap if safe to do so.

RandomMess · 19/02/2024 09:11

He gives you the cash equivalent of what you contribute to the joint account on your pay day. Have your salary paid into your own account and transfer most into the joint.

Absolutely zero spending for his friends and family from the joint account.

Also he gives you 50% of the inheritance value in a savings account in your name.

JacksonLambsEatIvy · 19/02/2024 09:13

MadDogMama · 19/02/2024 08:40

That's a really fair point. Maybe I do need to think about the cash thing as his way of contributing.
I genuinely hadn't thought about it from that perspective.

Show quote history

This response makes it clear how skewed your thinking is here.

It’s not ‘his way of contributing’. Its the very least he could bloody do.

The problem is that he uses money to be in control. That’s at the core of financial abuse. He doesn’t want to contribute. Your original analysis of the situation was correct.

The solution ‘well I just won’t take anything from you’ is not the right answer though. The solution is either that

  1. he puts everything he has into the joint pot and it is really going finances
  2. you have separate finances and he contributes his fair share to everything
  3. you leave him (and make the financial abuse a central issue in the divorce), he has to disclose all his finances to your solicitor and have the settlement based around that.
Codlingmoths · 19/02/2024 09:15

the ds example is one you should use. I paid for it- that account is only money I earn. Ds pays you back for it- I never see that. It’s like you’re stealing from me even more than you are by contributing fuck all to our basic costs. As far as I’m concerned unless I see my money back in the account you’ve stolen from me. So you can give ds the joint details or you can transfer it yourself, asap.

HarrietTheFireStarter · 19/02/2024 09:15

If this is "an otherwise great relationship", you have a very low bar. I mean, it is so fucked that it's difficult to believe.

Why the hell would you accept this? Who does he think he is? Is he willing to account for every penny he spends? If not then why would you put up with this?

You are seriously deluded about what it means to be in a healthy relationship. He has zero respect for you.