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Original poster

Am I being financially abused?

130 replies

MadDogMama · 18/02/2024 22:21

Met DH 16 years ago.Got joint mortgage 11 y ago. Equally entry financially.
He insisted on joint finances after his ExW ripped him off for thousands on several separate occasions.
We are now mortgage free on both our home and rental property.
I now feel like I am suffering the consequences of ExW's actions.
We have a joint account where the only income is my salary. Everything we owe, bills etc. Is paid from this account. He has visibility of this. He also has a separate business account which I have no visibility of, and from which he contributes zero to our joint account.
More recently He questioned a transaction I made to a friend which was for a spa weekend.

I honestly feel like I'm going out of my mind, I can't spend a penny without it being seen or questioned (noting that I earn my own money)

He gets a lot of cash from his business which he offers to me like I'm the little woman in need of pocket money, and I fucking hate it!!!

AIBU? Do I need to set up separate accounts.? What else?

I can't stand this anymore.

OP posts:
Station11 · 18/02/2024 23:06

So just set up your own account.,

User19798 · 18/02/2024 23:08

You are being financially and emotionally abused and gas lit. What does he pay for?

Original poster
MadDogMama · 18/02/2024 23:08

Codlingmoths · 18/02/2024 22:56

There’s trust issues, and then there’s ’my wife will fucking pay for everything and justify every expense because she’s a fucking woman and another fucking woman ripped me off once.
set up an account in your name. Move your pay. Transfer half to the joint account. Write him a letter telling him

  1. I Am miserable and being financially controlled by you. They way you talk about your ex wife is the way I will be talking about you to my friends when we split if nothing changes- they will be shocked to hear you contribute nothing to the ‘joint’ account you made me set up and put my pay into, that it only exists for you to control every penny I earn and spend and to make sure I pay for everything for us. 2. i have my own bank account now and am being paid into it, I will pay half into the joint account if you transfer the SAME amount on the 1st of each month.
3.if you don’t, we will separate. It’s your family and your life and you need to contribute 4.i will not answer to you about things I spend MY money on. You don’t tell me things you spend your money on, you don’t contribute to daily household costs, you only control mine. This all ends 5 we will go to counselling where we will talk about how you’ve behaved and how you don’t get to blame your ex for treating me like this. I’m not your ex. If you can’t trust me after all these years I need to leave. And if you can’t contribute fairly after all of your bullshit about you need all my money to know you can trust me because some other woman who is NOT ME ripped you off once then I need to leave and I should have a decade ago.

you can tell me you want to work on it by transferring to the joint account, I won’t talk about us until that has happened.

I fucking love you! 😂

OP posts:
User19798 · 18/02/2024 23:10

The thing I find baffling is how it is a joint account when only you contribute. It is a sole income account with an overseer! It's absolute madness.

Original poster
MadDogMama · 18/02/2024 23:19

Thank you all so much. I suppose I knew all along what I needed to do and say to him. You've all just confirmed that I'm not batshit crazy! 😂
He isn't a bad man at all, he's been burned.
I do love him and this is far from a divorce situation. Our marriage is otherwise great.
I am just losing my head over every comment he makes about my "spending".
BTW, he isn't a spender himself, far from it, he wouldn't ever gamble etc. It's just this whole illusion of us being financially aligned which is absolute fallacy.

OP posts:
Original poster
MadDogMama · 18/02/2024 23:20

User19798 · 18/02/2024 23:10

The thing I find baffling is how it is a joint account when only you contribute. It is a sole income account with an overseer! It's absolute madness.

Quite right!

OP posts:
tenpoundpombear · 18/02/2024 23:21

MadDogMama · 18/02/2024 23:19

Thank you all so much. I suppose I knew all along what I needed to do and say to him. You've all just confirmed that I'm not batshit crazy! 😂
He isn't a bad man at all, he's been burned.
I do love him and this is far from a divorce situation. Our marriage is otherwise great.
I am just losing my head over every comment he makes about my "spending".
BTW, he isn't a spender himself, far from it, he wouldn't ever gamble etc. It's just this whole illusion of us being financially aligned which is absolute fallacy.

But you've not answered what he's doing with ALL his money... because at the moment he's the one taking you for a ride as his ex supposedly did over a decade ago!

Cornishclio · 18/02/2024 23:27

I don't understand why he insisted on joint accounts but only your income goes in. That is tantamount to him saying your income is his to dictate where it is spent but his income and outgoings are hidden away in his sole business account. No way would I put up with that. Firstly he needs to contribute to the bills etc in the joint account and you need your own separate account where you don't have to account for each and every purchase. He is financially abusive and controlling.

Original poster
MadDogMama · 18/02/2024 23:28

Shetlands · 18/02/2024 23:04

He insisted on joint finances...
We have a joint account where the only income is my salary...
He doesn't contribute...

You're asking if you're being financially abused - read what you wrote above!

I totally understand that when you're living within a situation, you can't always see the obvious that's staring you in the face. Please take notice of the great financial advice that people here will give you and act on it. I wish you all the best. 💐

Wow, this hit home. Thank you. So very true x

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 18/02/2024 23:29

Oh my goodness you’ve really swallowed the pill! Of course he’s financially abusing you. Blatantly! He’s not a good husband. He’s really not. And just because you’ve been ripped off by someone else (if he has) doesn’t mean you go out and rip your own future partners off. Seriously why are you not getting mad about him not paying anything towards your joint expenses? Just the fact that he criticised you about what you’re spending? Sorry to be harsh, but you really need to open your eyes.

Edited to add, sorry that probably sounded harsh. I’m just shocked at how poorly he is treating you.

determinedtomakethiswork · 18/02/2024 23:31

How can you say this is a good man when he lives off your salary despite earning money himself and doesn't contribute anything?

What's even worse is that he criticises you for buying things to treat yourself when he keeps every penny of his income to himself!

I'm not sure why you want to stay with someone who treats you like that. I would think that person was utterly selfish and actually hated me.

Original poster
MadDogMama · 18/02/2024 23:31

tenpoundpombear · 18/02/2024 23:21

But you've not answered what he's doing with ALL his money... because at the moment he's the one taking you for a ride as his ex supposedly did over a decade ago!

Show quote history

It's just sat in the bank, so far as I'm aware.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 18/02/2024 23:32

He has an obsession with knowing all your financial details. He's probably tracing where you are via your spending, making sure you are not meeting up with someone he doesn't approve of, or paying for solicitor advice. He'd know if you even had counselling. I don't think it's just about money, he's tracking what you do such is the level of mistrust. In fact he's not been entirely financially abusive as it appears he has been instrumental in paying off the mortgages on 2 properties. This is more about the ability for him to track. He'd probably agree to pay half the bills in preference to you having your own account, he's after seeing every move you make. If you started withdrawing cash from your own account, I'm sure that would spook him immensely because then he can't trace you.

Original poster
MadDogMama · 18/02/2024 23:34

Cornishclio · 18/02/2024 23:27

I don't understand why he insisted on joint accounts but only your income goes in. That is tantamount to him saying your income is his to dictate where it is spent but his income and outgoings are hidden away in his sole business account. No way would I put up with that. Firstly he needs to contribute to the bills etc in the joint account and you need your own separate account where you don't have to account for each and every purchase. He is financially abusive and controlling.

This is what I want

OP posts:
Original poster
MadDogMama · 18/02/2024 23:37

Honeyroar · 18/02/2024 23:29

Oh my goodness you’ve really swallowed the pill! Of course he’s financially abusing you. Blatantly! He’s not a good husband. He’s really not. And just because you’ve been ripped off by someone else (if he has) doesn’t mean you go out and rip your own future partners off. Seriously why are you not getting mad about him not paying anything towards your joint expenses? Just the fact that he criticised you about what you’re spending? Sorry to be harsh, but you really need to open your eyes.

Edited to add, sorry that probably sounded harsh. I’m just shocked at how poorly he is treating you.

Edited

Oh, I've got mad about it, trust me!
I just wanted a different opinion on it.
Thank you xx

OP posts:
Grendell · 18/02/2024 23:51

I would probably just quietly open my own account, redirect my income to that account, transfer half expenses to the joint account and THEN tell him there isn't enough money in the joint account because he hasn't added his half.

I wouldn't tell him in advance.

FrenchieF · 19/02/2024 00:47

Are you sure his ex did him over ?
im not.

Amybelle88 · 19/02/2024 00:56

Hang on, sorry - does he pay NOTHING towards bills/shopping/household????

SpacePotato · 19/02/2024 01:40

You still haven't answered the question of WHY doesn't he contribute to the household bills.

Did he contribute then stop?
Why does he think this is acceptable?
Did he pay the mortgages now thinks it's your turn to pay?

He isn't a bad man at all

Yes, he is. What kind of man would sit on his money and make his wife pay for everything. Meaning he can grow his savings pot whilst you have to justify every penny spent.

OhcantthInkofaname · 19/02/2024 01:45

But you don't have joint finances if he doesn't contribute anything.

Wishitsnows · 19/02/2024 01:47

Why do you believe he was actually’burned’ previously and if he was why would he want to do the same to you?

Saltandpeppero · 19/02/2024 01:54

I’m confused, what are we missing? Why would you allow that situation to go on for longer than one month?

Surely that’s something you notice one month and say hey it seems you forgot to add your money to the joint account. And then he makes sure he does and then you carry on. Why would you let it go on for a prolonged period of time?

What did he say when you challenged him on it - you have said something now right?

Before your current partner were you in an abusive relationship where you couldn’t speak up? If so, unfortunately it appears old patterns are reappearing as it seems that’s what happening here.

And FWIW I’m not buying the tale about his ex but even if it were true, it has no bearing on what he’s doing now. Maybe rather than screwing his over his ex just refused to be a doormat and demanded he pull his weight financially?

You’ll find the truth is probably somewhere in between those scenarios.

Saltandpeppero · 19/02/2024 02:00

SpacePotato · 19/02/2024 01:40

You still haven't answered the question of WHY doesn't he contribute to the household bills.

Did he contribute then stop?
Why does he think this is acceptable?
Did he pay the mortgages now thinks it's your turn to pay?

He isn't a bad man at all

Yes, he is. What kind of man would sit on his money and make his wife pay for everything. Meaning he can grow his savings pot whilst you have to justify every penny spent.

Yeah I’m wondering if there’s a massive drip feed coming about how he justifies
it, because this doesn’t make sense.

How can any man just casually all of a sudden say hey you pay all the bills as I don’t want to contribute? 🤨

LifeExperience · 19/02/2024 02:33

Hell yes you're being financially abused. You're paying all the bills while he builds up a huge asset, his business, that you have no info about and no claim to. He's taking you for a mug.

AutumnCrow · 19/02/2024 02:54

Saltandpeppero · 19/02/2024 02:00

Yeah I’m wondering if there’s a massive drip feed coming about how he justifies
it, because this doesn’t make sense.

How can any man just casually all of a sudden say hey you pay all the bills as I don’t want to contribute? 🤨

Show quote history

Yes, it’s a bit odd.

OP, you say: ‘He insisted on joint finances after his ExW ripped him off for thousands on several separate occasions.’

But you sound extremely well off between the two of you, owning properties outright and more money coming in so you are comfortable, so a few grand a long time ago is just chicken feed, really.

Or is it you who makes and has the money? Who paid off the mortgages?

And he checks up on your ‘spending’. This is actually quite worrying.