Aibu- His ex wants him to go to couples therapy

[orsina]

I’ve been dating someone for 9 months. He left his partner shortly before we met. They were married, together 20 years but have no kids. Things have moved fairly quickly as we are late 30s and serious about each other and the same things, and he moved 300 miles down to where I live a couple of months ago so we could be together properly (albeit he has his own place and I have mine.) He hasn’t filed for divorce yet but where we live, his health insurance covered by his wife’s employer is good and he is between jobs right now, and the tax benefits are much better for married. I’m trying to be understanding as I know separations are tough, and I didn’t even mind they are amicable, she still talks to his mum who is going through cancer treatment etc as she’s known her forever, and he went back up to help her when their joint dog was sick which I thought was fair as he loves that dog. She sent him down a Xmas present. But she does know about me - I have iron proof of that. And I know he loves me, we have said it etc.

however. Today he told me that she has asked him to go to couples therapy with her, supposedly not for reconciliation but to help her move on from some things in their marriage. He is very caring about everyone and has considered it as he thinks it’ll help her move on. For me though, I was pretty shocked. This is not something I’ve heard of for couples who don’t have dc they are trying to have an amicable divorce for, or for couples who aren’t looking to reconcile. He doesn’t think it’s odd she asked, or disrespectful to us that he is considering it. They are both in individual therapy anyway. Part of me think if she was dating herself no way would she ask this of him.

Aibu about this? Would you have therapy with an ex you didn’t want to get back with who you didn’t have dc with or any other ties to, especially if you are in a new established relationship? I’m embarrassed to say I got a little upset today when he told me. No moves made to file for divorce although in his state no fault divorce only takes 2 months. Them having therapy when they’re not even officially divorcing makes me feel insecure.

Just seen your last post, so now he's gaslighting you that this is all your fault.

No chance OP. Be brave and put this one back in the sea.

Sorry 🌷

The way he told says a lot.
i hadn’t spotted that.

I was thinking the same! Mega mess written all over it

Gaslighting is right, making you doubt your own reactions..
definitely ditch and upgrade, you can do so much better than this!!
He has played you for a naive fool (we've all been there, well I have)
My advice is to change tact, arrange meeting up with friends, drinks, dinners out, remember and nurture the life you had before him.
Leave him at home. Be nonchalant

And LTB!!!

Yes @StealthMama thats how it feels. My head is a mess. Since he moved here I have tried to make time for him almost every day and it has not been enough eg. if I don’t always pick up the phone or answer texts quickly, or if I haven’t introduced him to my daughter, or if I havent given an idea of when we will potentially move in, he says this shows we aren’t progressing. But equally his divorce has not progressed. He admitted he isn’t sure why it hasn’t. I feel like this all going to end in (even more) tears. How naive was I to swallow all his stuff about how he felt about me and how he wanted everything with me he didn’t have with his wife. I don’t even think he is a player, i think he is just driven by his feelings. And he has no job or kid to anchor him back there. I feel like a fun sex thing for him after a desert of a marriage. Like a different woman to his ex but it’s like he doesn’t even like me being more fiery or honest or passionate than his ex, he just likes the idea of those things, and he is keeping her string along.

Dating men who are married to other people is a big pile of drama. Just awful.

I know you're not the OW but you're involved in their relationship...theirs because they have twenty years of history together and weren't over for long before he's getting all serious with you. It sounds awful the things he's saying...it's like he's comparing you, talking to you about his marriage... just massive awful drama.

How nice would it be to start something with someone and it being just about you and him not him and his wife!

You have a bigger problem here than the ex. You’re in a domestically abusive relationship.

He left his partner shortly before we met. They were married, together 20 years
He cannot be alone. He love-bombed you. He is already demonstrating behaviour that is unacceptable. And the relationship is already toxic.

hopefully he moved down near you and not in with you at this speed. Especially if you have a child.

get rid.

Maybe my reaction was wrong. I felt so angry and hurt I did shout and swear. Not like ‘you’re a fucking arsehole’ or abusive but I was just so shocked and upset after he’d been proving me the last few days about why he still hadn’t met my dd, saying he questions what I want out of a relationship or if I can even be in a healthy relationship because I had an abusive ex , etc and the last few weeks him talking about his ex a lot and musing over why he can’t get over her and telling me in detail about the abortion incident from 20+ years ago and how it has bonded them together and he still regrets it… and then he’s saying, deliberately to upset me, that they’re considering couples therapy. I really did snap. I nearly walked out. Im not proud and I spent much of today trying to tell him that I very rarely ever get that angry as he questioned if I would get angry in front of our future kids(!!) and apologising - but meanwhile the ex thing doesn’t change. And he admitted even today that he doesn’t know why he hasn’t filed. But he maintains he doesn’t think it’s odd she asked and that I should see her like any of his other friends. It’s just so much I have to take on trust. Like the fact that when he went up there for a week did he really sleep on a bed in the office? And do they really just talk about the dog? And is the divorce even a mutual thing that is going to be real?

I think your reaction was perfectly normal, and remember he goaded you into having a reaction in the first place. He wanted a fight. He wanted to aggravate you.

You're only 9 months in. Even without the ex wife bullshit - that's not a good place to be.

You don't know the details of his last relationship and you never will. And neither do you need to find other reason either (like did he sleep on the couch or not) because that doesn't matter.

The problem is that you are currently incompatible. Could that change? Maybe? But not for as long as your together like this.

I know it's tough, and how much you put in, but seriously. Walk away now and protect yourself and dd from what will be years worth of mess. He will wear you down.

I will also add - you only know his version of their marriage and break up. Given his behaviour towards you already, there's likely more to it than 'she cheated'.

He. Is. An. Arsehole.

Op you are the new supply.
His ex wife is the old supply. She's probably massively trauma bonded who just can't quite let him go.

He's got you both where he wants you.

He can't be alone - fact.

He hasn't healed. He's just moved straight on to the next woman so he doesn't have to feel any pain or go into that place of healing.

I don't think he loves you. I'm sorry. I think he loves that you are in his life replacing the old supply but you aren't doing a good enough job because you won't commit more. He needs more.

You would probably find if you did commit more, he would divorce his wife - he has you where he wants you.

Men like him treat woman as an object. As an appliance to serve their needs.

You've been lovebombed massively.

He's playing the victim saying his ex cheated and using an abortion that happened years ago as a reason to justify his behaviour. Everything is an excuse but he is the issue.

He sounds like a game player and a manipulator. I know you've invested a lot of time and energy in this relationship but can you really let the same state of affairs carry on? For how long? You need to set some boundaries around his contact with his ex. If he's not willing to cut contact with her, he is not prioritising his relationship with you and you need to move on. You deserve better than this 💐

He is implying I am the abusive one. I feel gutted. I wish I could have reacted more rationally. But it still hurts and I hate the idea he wanted to upset me. I never want to upset him, or anyone, even in an argument. I do feel like he constantly compares our relationship to their past one. And he keeps showing me things like tony robins “polarisation” where men need to have ‘masculine energy’ and women need to have ‘feminine energy’ or attraction is lost, and his wife didn’t have enough feminine energy and by not ‘needing him’ I am not making him feel masculine. And about how he wants a “3 dimensional relationship” (also a Tony robins thing) which is where your partners happiness is your number 1 prriority, but he only had a “2 dimensional relationship” with his wife as she didn’t prioritise him, and when I said i prioritise my daughter especially since she has no dad, but I still feel I can have a very loving relationship, he said that could be an issue for him. Ugh it’s all coming out and I feel so dumb. I feel like my head is all over the place. When I spend time with him I often feel so drained afterwards. It’s so emotionally intense and he always wants to talk about relationships. I feel if he had a job or other distractionndown here he might not be like that. But he hasn’t gotten one since he moved down and he is living off his (apparently substantial) investments/savings. And now he’s saying if we arent going to move in together or have “a plan” he may need to leave to work elsewhere to keep his mind occupied as he’s focusing on us and can’t be productive. It’s so much for a man who is early 40s. I have never met anyone so intense and invested in their emotions and relationship. When we say goodbye it’s like I’m disconnected from the real world, his world doesn’t have school pickups or work colleagues or social life, so often it’s hours long discussions about our relationship or past relationships. He stonewalled me on Xmas day because he felt like “an outsider” (why he didn’t go see family for Xmas I don’t know, I suggested it.) The brief times we have gone a couple days without speaking I feel a weight has lifted. But then when he has me on a string like this I feel like I can’t think of anything else. It’s so odd. Sorry for the vent again.

@userzH that is my fear. You articulated it really well. He has said he would love if I got pregnant (even though he hasn’t even filed for divorce.) He constantly says my lack of progression/big commitment has made him feel anxious and insecure. Maybe you’re right- it just doesn’t feed his ego enough. He is trying to manipulate me with this god given ‘need’ he supposedly has to be ‘needed’ by me and to be ‘masculine’ and to feel like ‘part of my family’ rather than just letting things evolve. I am an independent woman in 30s who raised dd mainly alone and so I don’t need a man, I just really liked who he was. Does that make me a bad partner? He acts like I treat him like a ‘casual date’ but it’s only been 9 months and I am really aware of him being separated, and I don’t rush into things because of dd even though she is a little older. I think he knows what he thinks a relationship is and he is always telling me about articles he reads about what makes a good partner and what makes relationships work. If almost feels manipulative. Also because I do have more dating experience despite being younger… and I don’t think you can force or influence a relationship. It’s like he is trying to engineer the perfect one after his marriage.

Every single post portrays him worse.

dump him and block him.

do not introduce him to your daughter.

Oh dear.

he's a narcissist OP and I can guarantee you don't know the truth about his marriage. He's grooming you into a controlling and abusive relationship.

It's not your fault, you're not an idiot, he knows what he's doing and all the triggers to pull.

I really implore you, to dig deep, find the courage and end it with this man. Nothing good will come out of this for you, or your dd.

I would suspect he is still controlling and abusing his wife also. Hence all the phonecalls, and going to help her, and then her sending him
Presents. He has her in a string.

He's awful. He's going to bring you nothing but misery. Please value yourself more and walk away.

"Need to be masculine" just

Get rid.

I know this makes me sound mad or pathetic: When I think of splitting up I jsut feel so sad and paralysed and afraid. Our conversation and chemistry are just so strong at times. And he says all this about how he wants a future with me, about how strong and amazing I am, all the stuff you want to hear. It’s easy to believe it’s all genuine. But I question who he really is if at this age he has no career or even job, no responsibilities, if he was able to walk away from the marriage like that (or not!?), if he is so intense almost like I am his special interest (I have even considered he has ASD). The thought of losing all that good and bad is scary. I feel like a different person than when I met him. I literally feel like I see the world with new eyes (not in a good way really.. I feel more disconnected from it, like I said.) It’s exhausting and worrying about his ex is only part of that.

I think it’s just about accepting that I may have made a bad choice with him. Accepting that maybe what we had wasn’t real. It just feels so hard. Harder than ending my previous 7 year relationship. Why!?

But they always say this....Run don't walk.

He’s jumped straight into a new relationship after 20 years of marriage and you wonder why his head is a mess? He needs time and space to make the emotional break from his ex wife and probably counselling too. You are in the middle of all this and not happy or coping. You would both benefit from splitting.

You didn't make a bad choice with him. You can't possibly no it's a bad choice until you

It's harder because you are probably also trauma bonded. Google it.

I've only had 2 relationships- both 7 years long.

My 1st relationship was easy when it ended. He wasn't abusive - he was just not a good person but it was a relief to be out of it.

My ex husband - just awful to get over. I knew I needed to leave after about 18 months but I couldn't to it and ended up marrying him. You get addicted to the highs. You also get addicted to them too as people. It's hard to escape but it is possible.

You won't find happiness in this because it's not possible. However don't be like me and stay until you've reached your limit. You're just wasting your life doing that.

Trust your gut and leave now x