It's all good... until we go up to bed!

[PinkPanther98]

Hello all,

This is an intimate one but I'm looking for advice on the best way to approach this!

I'm in a new relationship. Mostly he's a gentleman, but the other night when we “went to bed” I really felt used.. what he expected, and for how long for (it was literally hours)!

I really struggle in the moment how to be like hurry the f up 😂 That on top of him wanting me to do most of the work, it got to the point where it wasn't enjoyable for me.

He got the idea how the next night he promised to leave me alone. But I don't want it to have to be all or nothing.

I know he's probably just a man trying to make the most of it, but I feel it's actually taking the mick of how excessive it is not respecting my time or body.

The other thing is now it made me feel.. putting me in “pornstar poses” which I just feel so exposed, and simply doing things I don't like. I guess I like things a certain way but I just ran with it…partly because I don't know how to communicate it, and also don't want to be deemed as lazy/boring/one sided !

I think it wouldn't have been as bad if again he didn't expect it for so long.. then I wouldn't have minded too much to do what he likes to please him for a bit. I like being treated like a lady and I really didn't feel like one! I would go as far as to say I feel a bit violated but that's on me for being at a lost on what to say 😬 please help!

I have found myself at the point of avoiding starting anything to not be put in this position again. It's a shame when outside of sex, we seem to have a good relationship on the whole.

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading and your advice will be appreciated 😊 x

It's funny I actually do love the single life 😂 I'm very comfortable with my own company, can always entertain myself one way or another! I just seen to fall into relationships and tend to run with it because I'm having fun in that dating stage. Then when it escalates to this point (staying over unexpectedly multiple nights) I find it more of an intrusion than what others might do.

At the moment his behavior in the bedroom is not matching up to it outside! It totally threw me off, and I'm shocked at this side of him that comes out diminishing everything else he does outside of it.

OP, this man is getting what he can while he can, when he wants!
please,
heed the excellent advice offered here, end this ‘relationship’
Sex without responsibility, in your home, violating you in
your own bed, see this for what it is.
Consider also how this may escalate, by stealth, into abuse.

This is really helpful, thank you. I knew I was stuck on the communication part and although I can talk about it afterwards now, it's already done and those feelings have already been created.

I'm going to keep a few of these phrases up my sleeve! I like how they're not abrupt and don't kill the moment.

Are you going to continue seeing him then? Please be careful. He sounds like a pusher of boundaries. You could completely lose yourself to him.

I hadn't considered the porn thing until this thread..but what he was wanting would defo make sense.

You would think a new relationship would start steady, focus on more intimacy.. but felt like he was in his own head craving a the pornstar experience instead.

Do not even think for a moment that you did anything wrong OP, because that shifts the responsibility from him to you. With you being so young, asserting yourself is hard, many women older than you struggle with this. Tell him you kind of didn't enjoy it when he did this or that and go from there. You gotta spell it out for him.

Nothing wrong with you at all, you sound really lovely. Personally I think there are too many red flags and it's just not worth a try, especially if he's acting the gentleman just to get you in bed and be selfish, I think. It is not selfish to not enjoy being used.

I think maybe you are unsure about what to expect from a relationship.

You should want to be with this man because you like who he is as a person, because you respect him and trust him and think he’s a wonderful partner to build a life with. This is not the same as him showing you romantic gestures and therefore you feel he likes you. Him liking you is not the basis for a relationship. In the same vein, you shouldn’t be worried to how he’ll react to you discussing boundaries. Because why would you want to be with a man who reacts badly to that?

Just because you are seeing him now and you have accepted you are together - that doesn’t mean you have to fix this situation. This situation is an example of him showing you he isn’t a good person.

Remember - the point of a relationship isn’t to find someone who wants to be with you. It’s to find someone you want to team up with and work with to build a wonderful life.

Please end it

Ask to be put in a position in a separate postcode. With at least two counties as a buffer zone.

Boundaries have already been pushed. But honestly I'm confused... part of me knows I should work on asserting these boundaries more rather than just expecting. Then the other part of me thinks that I should expect a certain level of behavior nevertheless without me having to correct it 🥴

Originally I was going to with having a chat about it, but this has really opened my eyes.. going to plan a couple day break anyway to get my head together!

Use your voice.
You feel violated; you don't like some things.
You understand how you feel so communicate that.

If you can not advocate for your own self preservation and self respect, you should not be in that relationship.

Your silence is contributing to this fellow expecting no boundaries, no equality of intimate enjoyment.

Leave him to his porn.

He is not civilised enough to be with a real woman.

As for him being a ‘gentleman’ - pfft - A gentleman is a patient Wolf

That's it, his persona outside is that he is does show qualities of someone to be able to build a life with.. good job, works out, eats well, good relationship with his family. Has a relaxed demeanour, attentive.. all good traits of a stable relationship.

Of course this other side has come out, which I need to approach, and it has made me think did he come in with the intention of building a serious relationship or someone who can fulfill his fantasies and keep him entertained!

You're right I shouldn't be worried about discussing boundaries and think this is more my issue. His reaction would be a good indicator of his true intentions.

Thank you. It really is something to learn.. and unfortunately I think I'm learning it the hard way!

Just sad that certain men would keep pushing it to the point where you have to say something! Especially when there's plenty of other signs, body language and just general consideration!

I know makes you double take all the ulterior motives behind these gestures.

He sounds utterly horrific. Honestly just get rid of him and I promise you will never regret it

How old are the kids ? Life as a step parent can be pretty intense as well, there is nothing redeeming in this man at all

Yes it's not sounding good 😕 Twins are 14months, then there's the 6yr old boy.

Can I have a bet that this man has moved back in with his parents?

If not, then is he struggling with running two households?

Sounds like he'll be moving in soon.

At 25 you don't need this baggage.

Yep I think the damage is done with this guy!!! He's shown you a side of him that's definitely not safe or appealing.
I meant going forwards - make this your standard. And not just for sex. If a guy isn't saying 'do you mind if I bring some things to stay over?' he's probably not going to say 'do you mind if we try reverse cowgirl'. There's either respect for boundaries and autonomy, or not. And if not, it's ok to say 'nah, this isn't working for me, you need to go'.

Oh yes you're right. He's moved back in with his mum.

That's one boundary he can't cross, I like my personal space too much 😅

That's one boundary he can't cross, I like my personal space too much

Yet he stayed for 3 days and nights uninvited...

I do think it is worth considering how much of the 'romantic' or 'gentlemanly' stuff also created/maintained a power imbalance.
Does he pour you a drink without asking if you want one?
Do that hand-on-small-of-back thing to 'guide' you when you walk?
Speak possessively about your space/time/body?
Assume you want to see him any time you aren't at work (rather than asking if you're free, accepting you might have a girls night or long bath planned)
Do you share equal amounts of personal info eg both or neither have talked about childhood, previous relationships, future dreams? Or is he 'interviewing' you for the position of girlfriend while not becoming equally vulnerable?

He has 14-month-old twins and been separated for a year? So he left when they were only a few months old. What a piece of shit. That should have been a red flag for you from the start. The first was just little when the twins arrived. The woman probably didn't know what had hit her fgs. Then her husband is like "You're too moody for me. Cya!" He basically dumped her after taking her youth and lumbering her with children so he could go find someone else still able and willing to perform pornstar moves for him.

Someone upthread asked if he saw his kids during the days he took off. I don’t believe you answered but I suspect he is not. A decent father would want to spend time with his children and to take the load of his ex. Happy mum, happy kids. A decent father would keep his holiday days to look after his children, to bond with his children. This especially so with his school aged child, who has far more holidays than most working people.

This man does not sound a like keeper in any shape or form. He doesn’t respect your boundaries and he doesn’t appear to care about his children’s needs, preferring to leave his ex wife to run herself ragged with twin babies and a young child. The most likely scenario is that his ex is not controlling at all but he wanted to opt out of the daily grind of parenthood (twins will be incredibly intense) whilst expecting his heavily sleep deprived ex to be a sex slave in the bedroom.

Can you run? Have you got some trainers? Use them. And run like hell. If you feel like you do this early in your relationship it could possibly get even worse. I wish you all the best.

I know but moving in would have to require a bit more of a conversation

OP, I was going to write long response but really I think you’ve got your head screwed on and hopefully can draw the advice that suits you from the many wise replies here.

Alternatively, just print out this entire thread and hand it in to him, he can read it with his mum….

Also, let’s all take a moment to celebrate his ex-wife who is finally rid of this guy. Please don’t be the next in line for him.