It's all good... until we go up to bed!

[PinkPanther98]

Hello all,

This is an intimate one but I'm looking for advice on the best way to approach this!

I'm in a new relationship. Mostly he's a gentleman, but the other night when we “went to bed” I really felt used.. what he expected, and for how long for (it was literally hours)!

I really struggle in the moment how to be like hurry the f up 😂 That on top of him wanting me to do most of the work, it got to the point where it wasn't enjoyable for me.

He got the idea how the next night he promised to leave me alone. But I don't want it to have to be all or nothing.

I know he's probably just a man trying to make the most of it, but I feel it's actually taking the mick of how excessive it is not respecting my time or body.

The other thing is now it made me feel.. putting me in “pornstar poses” which I just feel so exposed, and simply doing things I don't like. I guess I like things a certain way but I just ran with it…partly because I don't know how to communicate it, and also don't want to be deemed as lazy/boring/one sided !

I think it wouldn't have been as bad if again he didn't expect it for so long.. then I wouldn't have minded too much to do what he likes to please him for a bit. I like being treated like a lady and I really didn't feel like one! I would go as far as to say I feel a bit violated but that's on me for being at a lost on what to say 😬 please help!

I have found myself at the point of avoiding starting anything to not be put in this position again. It's a shame when outside of sex, we seem to have a good relationship on the whole.

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading and your advice will be appreciated 😊 x

You don't really go into details and of course you don't have to.

He gives you the creeps and you should listen to that instinct and not be alone with him again @PinkPanther98 . Imagine if things turned bad (well, worse.)

I've ignored that instinct in the past and it ended very badly with a sociopathic rapist.

Plus the bag thing was annoying.

And as PP's have said, life is to short too date older guys. Maybe shag them but if you're looking for a boyfriend/potential life partner it's better to look amongst men your own age.

The best sex of my life was the sex that lasted the longest. Going into orgasm and staying up in it because the bloke could keep goinging.

But not with me on top lol, I just am arhythmical, self conscious and knackered.

And not with them doing anything that made me feel demeaned or violated.

Yes there's a lot of people here giving the same advice. I was thinking this post was going to give me pointers in how to approach this, open up the convo, set boundaries etc. but the majority have in fact advised to leave.

Turning up with an overnight bag, planning to stay for days without discussing it, put the pressure on me.. I kept thinking "well isn't this what you do in relationships" overriding my initial feeling.

Sometimes it's easier to see from the outside in.

OP, I can see that you are determined to ignore every post that doesn’t agree with your idea of attempting to “talk” and “educate” him. Please do come back when he’s gotten what he wants and leaves, as people here can be very supportive and help you with resources to break this cycle you’re in of seeking out abusive relationships with power imbalances.

I will add that every post you are writing about him is absolutely laden with desperation. I don’t know why that is, but I can guarantee that he sensed it from the word go and that’s why he was so keen to hound you from the moment he met you in a bar. In every post you are deluding yourself and making excuses for his bad behaviour and poor treatment of you, and you barely know this man. This is something that you will have to address if you want to have healthy relationships in the future.

Stay safe, OP. I really hope you have people in your life to check in on you.

His ex was controlling was she ay. From a man who turned up with an overnight bag (ick) without discussing and pushed your boundaries during sex. If you keep seeing him he will abuse you further.

How recently divorced is he?
Told you he dumped her, did he?

All things considered he's a scumbag, leave asap for your own good.

Please don’t even bother opening up a conversation. Just let this one go. Trust me it is better to be single than to endure having sex with this man again. He isn’t as nice as you think and the behaviour you experienced in the bedroom would become more obvious outside it when you spend more time with him. I am old enough to know that you are signing up for a life of misery (I have witnessed more than one woman entrapped in such relationships). I have been single for a long time and it has been witnessing my friends and family imprisoned in relationships like this that has made me embrace my freedom. Good luck.

Right. This should be the I can't keep my hands off him stage... Not the other way round!

He sounds revolting. Not for you.

NEXT!

i think the main issue here is that you need to work on being more assertive. Why did you feel you couldn’t tell him that the sex was making you uncomfortable and that you didn’t want him to stay for days?

i am going to go against the grain and say that if you like him, send him a message and say that you would like to have a conversation with him, that the sex made you feel objectified and gave you the impression that he has been watching too much porn. Also that perhaps you don’t mind him staying occasionally but not every time he visits, and certainly not for days at a time when he hasn’t asked.

what do you think? If you don’t feel you can address these issues with him, then move on and spend some time working on you.

I'm with the majority, dump him.

You're sexually incompatible. And there is nothing wrong with that. You don't need to 'train him' to please you or adjust your own needs to please him. You simply need to find another man with whom you are sexually compatible. And the overnight bag would have really gotten my goat! It shows me where his mind was at. A sexual relationship shouldn't be this much hard work.

Do you really want to take on the role of 'stepmum' at your age? If you think it would be no big deal, take a look at some of the threads on the step-parenting board. And remember that men are often looking for someone to take over all those 'onerous duties' involved with being a single dad. Is that what you want? To be the chief cook and bottle washer and on demand childcare so he can live his bachelor life? I never dated men with kids for this very reason.

Seems to me there's a whole lot more 'cons' than there are 'pros'.

trust me it is better to be single than to endure having sex with this man again.

Absolutely!

Probably a porn freak.

Your future will be bleak with him.

Yeah he said he's been separated for about a year now. Left because it went down hill after the twins were born (already got a 6yr old with her tho). Described her as a narcissist and controlling 😬

Obvs I only hear his view on things. I do keep an open mind to it all.

Well. Do you want a father of three who’s selfish in bed, who describes his ex as narcissistic, at the age of 25?

ohhhh. His marriage all went downhill after the twins were born did it? That says a lot about him!

I think you should get out too!! He’s hurting you and he doesn’t care. Picture yourself orgasming while stabbing him hard with a fork. Even if that did make you come, you wouldn’t do it would you? He will though.

Is he actually divorced or just legally separated? A man who left his wife with 3 young kids including twins isn’t likely to be a catch. If she was that narcissistic and awful why did he go on and have kids with her a second time. It sounds like projection and he knows it’s him that’s the narcissist.

Agree with pp about thinking twice before signing up to be a stepmom at your age. I’m much older than you and I would run from a man with his baggage.

The fact he badmouths his ex makes it worse.

He spent all this time with you when he took time off work - did he go see his kids at any point ?

You're not wrong. This came about and I felt like a deer in the headlights. It's like when I have time to think I can get my point across - we had an issue before and I had no problem addressing it -
but I think because this was an in the moment sexual one, I was out my comfort zone and didn't know what to say or do. As for the bag thing, I brushed over it and shouldn't have because I've just taught him that it's okay to be so presumptuous!

Then with the staying overnight every time he comes over, I always feel I have to give a reason to justify it. I guess I fear of making it awkward or give the impression I'm not interested when actually I just want a healthy balance.

It now seems harder to go back now this has been done over me setting those boundaries in the first instance. I've never been very good with "being put on the spot", finding it easier to run with it, and am trying to assert it now.

@DixonD This is awful, please find a way to get free of him. Sexual coercion etc is horrible.

I'm the same with assertiveness @PinkPanther98 - sometimes I have to do it after something has happened, and that is ok. But if I were you I wouldn't risk any further involvement with him. There are millions of guys out there you could see, who haven't done this to you. x

The not feeling like you can say anything can also be classic in an abusive sexual situation. On one level, you felt in danger and so you froze, as you didn't know what his response might be to anything if you were to say or do anything other than what hepushed for. You were in shock.

Break up with him. I’m the same age and wouldn’t be interested in a man 10 years older than me, divorced with 3 kids. Especially if he isn’t treating you right in other ways. He sounds really controlling and like he’s taking advantage of you

You need to tell him how you feel.
What you enjoy
What you don’t enjoy.

If you can’t vocalise it I think your opening statement sets it all out quite clearly and fairly so, show him the post. Tell him you’ve reached out for help from strangers because you are very abused and tell him to read what others on here are saying.

Thinking of you OP

I'm sorry to hear this. Currently also with a UTI because of it! We shouldn't be in pain for their pleasure.

I'm not the best person to give advice here considering but don't ever feel guilty for "ruining his fun". Sadly that's how I felt too and why I didn't just want to say no and put a stop to it. We seem to put our needs to one side for them and subsequently we're the ones who end up suffering 😕

I resonate with you and it's horrible the thought of it happening or being treated like that again.

Sending love

I think this is the most useful bit of advice. This or ditch.

Please listen to majority telling you just to end it by phone or text. It’s super risky to try and reason or work things out with this kind of guy. There should be no second chances
on stuff like this - don’t wait to see if he “improves”.

He’s shown you who he is and what he wants in sex. Even if he did dial it down initially he would probably gradually take things up a notch each time and revert to his usual. Or cheat and/or use porn heavily to satisfy his desires .

His whole brain and way of thinking probably needs to be rewired for him to really break free from this.

You are not married to him, you don’t share kids or a home there is no reason to hang about trying to fix him or risking another painful sexual encounter with him.

OP I really encourage you to explore the concept of active, continuous consent.

This means both people involved in sex take responsibility for checking in regularly with one another about whether each different activity is wanted. Is this good? Let's go slower. Do you like that? Can I suck this? It doesn't have to feel awkward, it can feel really intimate & sexy! It's also about observing each other's expression & body language - it's pretty easy to see if someone is not into something and verbally check in... 'you ok? That's not good for you?'

You should of course feel safe and empowered to speak up if you don't like something. Practice phrases like 'whoa, that's not my thing' or 'let's do this instead' or 'ouch! That's not working' or 'I'm getting tired'.

But the point is - nobody should be assuming ANYTHING is ok without your enthusiastic, ongoing agreement. Sex should be something you do with someone not to someone!