It's all good... until we go up to bed!

[PinkPanther98]

Hello all,

This is an intimate one but I'm looking for advice on the best way to approach this!

I'm in a new relationship. Mostly he's a gentleman, but the other night when we “went to bed” I really felt used.. what he expected, and for how long for (it was literally hours)!

I really struggle in the moment how to be like hurry the f up 😂 That on top of him wanting me to do most of the work, it got to the point where it wasn't enjoyable for me.

He got the idea how the next night he promised to leave me alone. But I don't want it to have to be all or nothing.

I know he's probably just a man trying to make the most of it, but I feel it's actually taking the mick of how excessive it is not respecting my time or body.

The other thing is now it made me feel.. putting me in “pornstar poses” which I just feel so exposed, and simply doing things I don't like. I guess I like things a certain way but I just ran with it…partly because I don't know how to communicate it, and also don't want to be deemed as lazy/boring/one sided !

I think it wouldn't have been as bad if again he didn't expect it for so long.. then I wouldn't have minded too much to do what he likes to please him for a bit. I like being treated like a lady and I really didn't feel like one! I would go as far as to say I feel a bit violated but that's on me for being at a lost on what to say 😬 please help!

I have found myself at the point of avoiding starting anything to not be put in this position again. It's a shame when outside of sex, we seem to have a good relationship on the whole.

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading and your advice will be appreciated 😊 x

He saw them one evening for a couple hours. Not sure if this was planned or not, I had something on and then he said he's got to see the kids anyway. I wonder if I didn't have something on if this would have still been the case.

I did think why take three days off when you could do something far more valuable with that time! See the kids, take a trip etc. Especially being half term with the 6yr old off school but I don't know the full arrangements between them.

It sounds like he's planning to use you in lots of ways - free accommodation, childcare and porn sex. Of course he needs to be nice so you let your guard down and don't resist his impositions. I doubt he'll maintain his niceness if you enforce boundaries.

I'm so glad you've taken a step back and looked at the situation with a clear head before it's gone any further.

It would save a lot if I just forwarded him this 😂

Actually shocks me when men have a good relationship with their mum but treats other women completely differently!

I've had a lot of good responses.. mainly all heading in one direction.

The only conversation you need to open up is goodbye and good riddance.

you don't have to give him any explanation
you don't have to relive that appauling experience just for his benefit
you don't owe him anything

just never see him again.

also for the future, if things don't feel good in the moment don't let it get to the point where it's a negative experience, just stop when it feels wrong. No exceptions.

Sorry you’ve been through this OP. Can I ask if you plan to LTB?

Maybe think a bit more on that? He sounds incredibly selfish, especially as it was half term week. He could have taken the pressure off his ex, spent some quality time with his kids and so forth.

He doesn’t sound like a keeper. Is this the sort of man you can see a future with? One, who leaves a woman, who was a couple of months post partum from twins and likely overwhelmed by the twins and a then 5 year old. He has had no qualms leaving her to do all the grunt work, does he? He saw them for a couple of hours one evening because you weren’t free. FGS! I bet he didn’t tell his ex he’d been off all day…

Does his ex work btw? It must be nigh on impossible as a single parent to 3 unless she has a lot of outside help as there is none coming from him by the sound of it. I bet he isn’t the one taking emergency parental leave when one of the kids are ill for example.

I imagine she would have a lot to say about him and none of it good. Perhaps she even kicked him out. Either way, so many red flags.

Of all the available men around, please, please think more of yourself than to continue with this one. Nasty doesn’t come close.

A ‘good relationship with his mum’ means that he abandoned his family, wife child new twins, moved in with his mother.
You don’t wonder that she wouldn’t tell him to get home to his family, obligations, responsibilities, play with his babies, watch them grow and develop, feel the love?

No, she possibly said, come in son, you staying then? kettle’s boiling, I’ll make a steak pie for your tea I know its your favourite, did you bring any dirty washing,
I never liked her anyway, your beds made up ready.

This means of course that he has no home to entertain you so guess who else will be laundering sheets, making meals, feeling like a hostage?

Actually things are not ‘all good’ before bedtime as he is not who you believe he is, despite your yardstick of good food, gym, steady job.

You are only 25, what are you doing with this manipulative man, wake up!

If he has been abusing porn it may take him ages to get to the end because his brain has been rewired + death grip. So he’s “selling” this as a good thing when actually it’s a sexual dysfunction.

@PinkPanther98 just read all your posts. Absolutely dump this man. There are so many red flags.

I personally would tell him that you found the sex painful, degrading and it was an unpleasant experience for you that you don't want to repeat with him or any other man. You can either say it to his face or in a text then block. By doing this, he may actually think about what he did to you and change his ways. You may be helping the sisterhood.

I’m sorry to hear this has happened to you OP.

Are you sure he’s separated from his wife or could he have told her he’s ‘working away’? The overnight bag is ringing huge alarm bells, especially coupled with having to be back for the weekend.

’I’ll leave you alone tonight’. To go where? Maybe home to his wife? Maybe to another unsuspecting victim’s house? I’m in my fifties and have learnt a lot about men in the twenty-five plus years that have taken place since I was you OP. Just get out. Please take care.

He is borderline sexually assaulting you OP and as for he is lovely the rest of the time, he doesn't sound it. Just turning up when he feels like it, staying when he's not invited. he's a user in every sense and if he told you he left his wife, I reckon it was likely the other way around.

Get rid. He's horrible. I would have dumped him half way through a horror session like that.

Ugh sounds awful - I wonder if he had taken something like Viagra to last so long? May be worth talking to him honestly if you like him in other ways and saying you just didn’t enjoy it & see if he’s receptive to changing. If not you will have to break up with him as it’s awful you felt violated.

I’ve skim read this thread and what jumped out at me OP is you’re 25, he’s 35 and divorced with kids, living back home with his mum and rubbish pornstar type sex.

Why on earth are you with him and why do you want to fix this?!

I was with a man I met in my late 30s who liked long sex but less porn star he just liked it to last. Emotional head fuck though but great chemistry so it’s not all about porn with long sex.

Last year I dated a lovely man but we’re both early 50s and he had the classic couldn’t last long first time fine second. I tried sex with him and it was ok, for almost a year (!) but ultimately I don’t think chemistry was there for me (it was for him!) and I got turned off by him pawing me. He rents out a room in his house and I felt awkward when that couple were there and one time he picked up a cane that was in their bedroom and suggested using it! It could’ve been a prop as they all worked in film/tv but I found that eww especially if they’d been using it! But basically my interest and therefore passion died.

In your case this man I bet thinks all his Christmases have come at once and you’ve been in an abusive relationship so your mindset is skewed. I’d advise therapy to get over the abuse but long term I wouldn’t be bothered with Mr Marathon Man!

This man is newly divorced and probably if he’s been married ages thinks this is what women want. Set in his ways and old before his time at 35!

@DixonD

He knows it hurts but just tells me “a couple more minutes”; “just a bit longer” or “just try it.” Once, on one occasion when I protested I received a “sssshhhh”. I did lose it that time but felt guilty for ruining his fun.

The last time we had sex was two weeks ago and was one of the worst. I don’t know if I can face it again. The thought makes me cry. Reading your posts made me cry.

The way your husband treats you is not the way someone who is considerate, caring and loving towards you. He knows he's hurting you because he can see it, feel it in your body and you tell him - yet he ploughs on doing what works for him. I'm not surprised you don't want to repeat this coercive experience of the careless and contemptuous ways he treats you when you are so vulnerable. You sound so unhappy.

You need, I'm afraid, to tell him in as unvarnished a way as possible, how the way he treats you makes you feel mentally and the physical damage he's causing you with his selfishness. You shouldn't have to need to do this - he's supposed to care for you. I hope you can find the courage to do so and that he listens and acts positively.

Sorry to derail your thread OP. Hope you get your message across also. Both you and @DixonD deserve better. 🌹

Also @PinkPanther98 you can start the awkward conversation by telling him you have a UTI now - him going on so long for his pleasure not yours has literally made you unwell. That alone is a reason he needs to be more sensitive should you ever agree to have sex with him again. You’re not a porn star having to act thrilled at having penetrative sex for hours. That is a male fantasy that at 35 he should have really grown out of by now. But it seems like he is imposing his fantasies on you without enough respect for what you actually want or don’t want.

OP, just another hint too. A friend of mine who’s adopted used to meet men who had kids and were single parents, separated or divorced. She loves kids so didn’t find this too much of an issue but said that after a while it could take ages for them to build relationships… she had about 3 of these.

Then in her late 30s she started a new job and by chance on her commute home by train bumped into someone she went to school with, either the same age or the year below. He was single, no DC, own flat and nice car. About 8 years on they’re now married with a DD and in their own house.

But what I’m saying is to cut a long story short is don’t waste your younger life with a bellend like this man. I was out clubbing at your age ffs! Have some fun!

Also! OP, as you say, you are ‘learning the hard way’
well you are not, you are being taught shortcuts by
older wiser women on here who have supported you
through the night and next morning
being Saturday night, you 25 and alone, chewing over
this so called relationship, whilst Marathon Man is doing
his thing, repacked overnight bag, fevered anticipation.

This man will steal your life, if you allow it, dump and be done, good luck

left twins at a few months old

in bed he's boring and uncaring about your pleasure at worst, rapey at best

controlling with the overnight bag etc

seriously, you'd be absolutely mental to consider any other course of action except a swift text then block, to the tune of 'I don't think we're compatible and I won't be seeing you again'.

seriously - you're 25!

it's sad as your posts are still peppered with HA HA etc and you're still clearly wondering how to talk to him... educate him.

but he's 35. He should know by now - especially after a decent length marriage - how to pleasure a woman. Not leave one with a painful UTI and the best he can do is 'I'll give you a night off from my massive shaft so your vagina isn't quite so sore' - gross.

if a 35 year old has no interest in how to make a new partner's pleasure their core focus in early days of sex. Why on earth would you waste another moment even considering continuing this?

I posted early on in this thread to suggest talking to him. Now reading more I would like to amend it to RUN. The more you post the more red flags fly up, talking just delays and allows him to manipulate you. Dump him before he can repack his overnight bag.

It's absolutely fucking weird for a 35 year old man to be going after a 25 year old.

Ok so option 1 is that he left his partner, with twins of a year old and an older child, and went to live with it’s his mum, leaving her with all the childcare, and he calls her “controlling” (red flag).

Option 2 is that he hasn’t left her at all, and is going out picking up women in bars but still going home to her. This sounds more likely to me especially as he brought an overnight bag and basically forced you to let him stay (how can you say no to an overnight bag?) - red flag.

Plus the violating sex, plus the likely porn addiction - please please run from this man and block him!

Fucks sake Op, why are you even giving this headspace? You hardly know him and what you do know isn't nice. Don't let him in your house again, don't analyse or give second chances, just send him a 'this isn't working for me so I'm calling it a day' text and move on. You're 25 FFS! Respect yourself enough to get rid of others who don't respect you.

He doesn't sound right for you OP.