It's all good... until we go up to bed!

[PinkPanther98]

Hello all,

This is an intimate one but I'm looking for advice on the best way to approach this!

I'm in a new relationship. Mostly he's a gentleman, but the other night when we “went to bed” I really felt used.. what he expected, and for how long for (it was literally hours)!

I really struggle in the moment how to be like hurry the f up 😂 That on top of him wanting me to do most of the work, it got to the point where it wasn't enjoyable for me.

He got the idea how the next night he promised to leave me alone. But I don't want it to have to be all or nothing.

I know he's probably just a man trying to make the most of it, but I feel it's actually taking the mick of how excessive it is not respecting my time or body.

The other thing is now it made me feel.. putting me in “pornstar poses” which I just feel so exposed, and simply doing things I don't like. I guess I like things a certain way but I just ran with it…partly because I don't know how to communicate it, and also don't want to be deemed as lazy/boring/one sided !

I think it wouldn't have been as bad if again he didn't expect it for so long.. then I wouldn't have minded too much to do what he likes to please him for a bit. I like being treated like a lady and I really didn't feel like one! I would go as far as to say I feel a bit violated but that's on me for being at a lost on what to say 😬 please help!

I have found myself at the point of avoiding starting anything to not be put in this position again. It's a shame when outside of sex, we seem to have a good relationship on the whole.

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading and your advice will be appreciated 😊 x

Does he have "Delayed Ejaculation"? Might explain some of it. If so, it could be something you worked through together, if you think he's worth it. But would of course need to be done in a way that was acceptable to both of you. It can really mess with your libedo long term, if sex ends up being a chore, ime.

This is well put. I am actually worried about the OP. This guy has his already-packed overnight bag in the car? Who the hell does he think he is? This is very worrisome.

When you say "go on for hours", you mean delayed ejaculation?

Look up "porn death grip".

If he agrees to work on his distorted pornified view of sex and consequent DE through a programme like NoFap or Your Brain On Porn, he might be worth a second chance. Otherwise, throw this one back.

That's what I'm aiming to open up these conversations, just sadly after this event. It's one of those things where it naturally happened.. but then went way too far.

I've always been open talking about these things with partners.. can only pin it on being a new relationship and it hasn't been part of our discussions yet.

At the moment it seems like two different people, talking about very PG things and then having this crazy sexual side that barely gets mentioned.

Maybe when the first flush of lust wears off for him he will be different, if he was married for a long time he couldn’t have been behaving like this all the time especially as he has kids, they wouldn’t have had the energy or time.
maybe he thinks this is what you want as he thinks you are young and full of energy

Yeah I don't know if he was purposely holding back to prolong the experience, or if he actually couldn't reach that point.

It is sounding more like he is desensitised due to porn. We haven't even got to the point of having these discussions yet, if he will have an honest chat about it.

At the moment I feel he is still trying to have this polished image and doesn't want to divulge into this.

He put you in porn star poses, did things you didn't like and now you feel violated. He's a selfish pig and there's no way he's going to turn into the gentle, considerate and romantic lover who will treat you 'like a lady'. He really isn't for you and you know it. Dump him quickly before your self esteem goes down the pan.

I wouldn't be joking with him about it. It sounds pretty vile to me.

I’m a lot older than you, OP, and I really hope you heed the advice given to you. You are a nice person. He is NOT being nice to you. How presumptuous to arrive with his overnight bag and invite himself to stay with the purpose of getting selfish sex with a young woman. He is disrespectful and rapey.

I suspect he’s sexting you when the kids are in bed.

It’s not your job to try to train this man to behave better. He simply doesn’t share your values. If you are not careful you will be an every other weekend booty call. He’s a creep. There is no message you can craft that will suddenly enlighten him.

I hope you find someone who will cherish and fulfil you. Not this guy. And be kind to yourself, as you may find all these comments hard to hear but trust the wisdom of the women here who see him for what he is and how horribly he has treated you.

Exactly, it could be the whole excitement of a new relationship. It's definitely not sustainable for long-term marriage!

I don't even have the energy for it, not sure how he does!

That's why I was hoping addressing this could put things in place a bit more because currently I'm put off intimacy with him..

If he thinks this, then it's only gone the other way!

@Haffiana has good advice. There’s lots of very good advice on this thread. Op I was single again in my 40s. I had brief relationship with an old classmate (mark)so he was safe and somewhat known to me and he was so sweet and very very sexy in a subtle way He loved sex all night looonng. (I hear you Lionel Richie) it was boring to me. He also mentioned prev GF who were multiorgasmic (I’m not) and nyphomaniacs(is that still a term?) which also I’m not. I had come out of a 5 yr relationship with white hot sex which sadly for me ended for other reasons and probably lasted so long because the sex was great. I knew mark was not for me. No way was I going to sustain that duration and I wasn’t satisfied with him even tho it went on and on. 25 is a lifetime ahead. Can you see yourself working caring for DC making dinner and then going up to bed with this guy? Don’t give a reason just text this isn’t working for me. Take care best wishes. Don’t even mention the sex which he will wedge his foot right in that door and try to lure you back with promises to be different. Find a guy who likes doing in bed what you like receiving and which consistently takes you to orgasm. Please end this. Dating is about finding out if your compatible.

Yea I'm definitely reconsidering this. I need to be clear because I don't want to end up beating myself up over it again 😕

Oh god he's probably thinking that he gave you ' the time of your life ' op
Sounds like you've got the ick & there's no way back from that I'm afraid.
Buy a pack of jammy dodgers... give him one & run as the hills are that way >>>>

You don’t have a catch here. You have a man with kids from another relationship who’s selfish in bed and disrespectful too. Bin, now. I’d feel incredibly sad if my daughter stayed in a relationship like this.

"I've always been open talking about these things with partners.. can only pin it on being a new relationship and it hasn't been part of our discussions yet.

At the moment it seems like two different people, talking about very PG things and then having this crazy sexual side that barely gets mentioned."

I think you've just got to have some confidence and open the conversation up yourself. It's possible he might not be used to having conversations like these.

Something along the lines of:

"Well that was very adventurous sex last night, verging on acrobatic! So is that your usual routine? It's not something that typically 'gets me there', unfortunately... I really like xyz"

"Shall we mix it up tonight and keep things 'external'? I'd like to really get to know your body, and you mine"

Etc.

He might have just watched too much porn and only been with women who also watch too much porn and so thinks sex is about putting on a performance, rather than engaging in any actual intimacy.

If he's interested in you afterwards and is affectionate and loving, then I don't think he's definitely just using you. He's probably just shit in bed. If you follow his lead, you'll be shit in bed too. Maybe if you take the lead and show him what good sex feels like, you might blow his mind.

Or he really is a scumbag, idk.

That's funny cause i want to shoot you in the head.

Reported

And do FUCK OFF.

As is often the way, the first response nailed it.

Get rid. You deserve better.

If it's going on for ages and he's putting you in different porny positions, and making you feel objectified/degraded; it's because he's porn addled.

I don't really think you should stick around trying to deal with a porn added decade older guy who's already got kids.

Low quality.

You're selling yourself short.

Oh and there is a difference between people who use a bit of porn for masturbation a d see it for what it is. ... Not real, good sex, and men who can't make that distinction and try to transfer it into real.sex and make their partner.a sex doll.

He sounds like the latter.

Doubt that'll change.

Also, this always results in outraged posters who've taken on separated and divorced men (their men must be the exception, maybe) but .... In my experience, women don't end marriages with decent men, at all - let alone when they have kids by them.

They're generally circulating trash.

Except each circulation can take years, which clouds the issue.

Aha thought "pornstar poses" was a good way to describe it. Perhaps aiming to do the whole kama sutra. Or reenacting what you see on the screens. Either way what he wanted me to do felt more vulgar and exposed to what I would be comfortable doing in a relationship.

It's funny I had this expectation of an older man (for my age) being experienced and taking charge, which I can like. But to be told to do things that don't sit well with me, I don't know why I find it hard to just say no. Hence why the duration bothered me because you could give it a go for a little bit, but to go on and on, the pleasure balance is clearly lopsided 😕

Thank you for your pointers. I think I just need to be more vocal and just move rather than feeling so obliged!

And yeah that overnight bag assumption threw me off. I held off having him at the house for a while so it's not like I was giving him the signs!

This.

And at 25 years old.

Just no.

Porn. This is what he needs to get off now, and no amount of conversation about what you want and respecting your boundaries is going to change that. I don’t think he’d be satisfied with that. He might agree short term, but it’s not going to change.

This is why I’m so thankful my new partner (after a long marriage) admits he rarely watches porn, loves the same handful of positions I do, is horrified by the thought of choking or inflicting pain on me, and announces his intention to ‘make love to me’. And he’s 62 and has absolutely no problems with libido or erections. He’s a unicorn. 👌

I should change my username..

If he agrees to work on his distorted pornified view of sex and consequent DE through a programme like NoFap or Your Brain On Porn, he might be worth a second chance.

Who could be arsed for a ten years older divorcé (and I bet his marriage to the Mum of his kids broke down for reasons that do not reflect well on him) with two kids to support before he even has any with you .... When you're only 25.

And, as I said, there are people who can watch a bit of porn and put it in its (ridiculous) box, there are people who can't and try to have pornified sex. That's down to the character.

Why the rush to get with an older man? Guys your age are in their prime! They're mostly childless and don't have decades of bad relationships behind them. Don't waste your youth on messed up men hurdling towards middle age.

Wasn't my intention, met him the old-fashioned way in a bar and it went from there 😅 but I always had the impression that an older guy had the maturity that came with it.

Despite this post I'm not one who wants to "train" or "fix" a man and assumed with their experience means they would know better in how to behave & act. Ha ha