It's all good... until we go up to bed!

[PinkPanther98]

Hello all,

This is an intimate one but I'm looking for advice on the best way to approach this!

I'm in a new relationship. Mostly he's a gentleman, but the other night when we “went to bed” I really felt used.. what he expected, and for how long for (it was literally hours)!

I really struggle in the moment how to be like hurry the f up 😂 That on top of him wanting me to do most of the work, it got to the point where it wasn't enjoyable for me.

He got the idea how the next night he promised to leave me alone. But I don't want it to have to be all or nothing.

I know he's probably just a man trying to make the most of it, but I feel it's actually taking the mick of how excessive it is not respecting my time or body.

The other thing is now it made me feel.. putting me in “pornstar poses” which I just feel so exposed, and simply doing things I don't like. I guess I like things a certain way but I just ran with it…partly because I don't know how to communicate it, and also don't want to be deemed as lazy/boring/one sided !

I think it wouldn't have been as bad if again he didn't expect it for so long.. then I wouldn't have minded too much to do what he likes to please him for a bit. I like being treated like a lady and I really didn't feel like one! I would go as far as to say I feel a bit violated but that's on me for being at a lost on what to say 😬 please help!

I have found myself at the point of avoiding starting anything to not be put in this position again. It's a shame when outside of sex, we seem to have a good relationship on the whole.

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading and your advice will be appreciated 😊 x

I'm inclined to say you should tell him why you're ending it. There's a possibility that he thinks he's great in bed and that you enjoyed that Viagra porn star experience.

If that's the case, he will go on to violate more women, while thinking they love it.

So I would say "I am ending the relationship because I didn't enjoy the sex. I felt objectified". Then completely block and don't enter into arguments with him. He'll only either try to apologize and persuade you that he'll change, or argue that you were wrong about not enjoying it!

I'm going to 'put my head above the parapet' with this ....
The pressure on a chap to 'perform', to be what he thinks is a good lover is huge. Especially the first time, when he knows nothing of the woman's likes or dislikes. He's watched porn, sees women dribbling (literally) and aroused, and thinks 'that's what women like then', and acts accordingly. Some women may prefer things gentle, some want a little more, and let's face it, we sometimes like things differently from another time. Yes ... he read it incorrectly ... he should have been more attuned to his partner. But if he wasn't told at any time that certain things were unacceptable - how would he know?
Unless he didn't stop when asked, and you feel other than that, that you had that 'spark', is it not worth having a chat about what you did and didn't like??

Asking you to pose like a porn-star is not on - this is not normal, consensual sex, which can include dressing up (my DH used to dress in fringed buckskins and scarves, I always went for corsets or blowsy tops) and also playing roles. But these things are what you discuss and arrange between you so the dressing up is part of the sex. If you don't like what he wants then tell him so. The word is 'No' and 'I don't like that' and 'I'm not doing that'. If he persists then dump him, he's no gentleman.

I agree there's societal pressure on men to be good lovers, however everyone knows women like to come and he didn't do anything for that if you read all of OP's posts.

Porn is normalised to the extent that women like Katie Price are called “glamour models” and seen as national treasures when they are complicit in creating this pornified culture.

So he left his wife with three kids under 6.

Doesn't understand sex is supposed to be about expressing and demonstrating feelings.

Invites himself over.

Ignores your body language.

He's just a twat.

Of course he knows hours of intercourse can be painful.

Of course he knows he's got the power here as an older man.

Of course he knows getting a woman in bed for the first time is about earning the trust to get her there again.

He's just horrible!!! Don't go back there.

If you have to explain basic human principles of behaviour to someone leave them!!!

he has a good job

BUT he moved back in with his Mum

He has a good job

WHY hasn't he rented or bought his own place ?

He has 3 children

WHY hasn't he provided somewhere for them to live with him when he sees them ?

WHO actually babysat last night when he had the children ?

Brilliant chance for him to see someone else on a Sat evening while his mother looks after the children

and that is if they even stay overnight...

I really hope you've read these responses and dumped him already OP. You won't change him. Also, he's seperated from his wife, when the twins were about 8 weeks old. Having twins is VERY difficult in the early weeks. Even with a loving, supportive, fully engaged partner. She was either desperate to be rid if him, or he's an absolute shit,or both.There's no positive slant on this. You have to be worth more than this. Please, please, run as fast as you can.

He probably gets on with his mum because his mum loves him and does stuff for him.
So it's just another variation on using women.

Leaving his wife with 2 month old twins is disgusting.

What would you tell your best friend if she told you what you have posted?

OP you've had some great advice on here.
This disgusting man is not for you.
The fact he left his children is enough but perhaps his wife kicked him out?

I think your generation 25 and below are waking up to this nonsense. I have DC 25 and 20 and neither would put up with this crap or want it. You are not a blow up dolly. He should be ashamed but I doubt it.
My husband knows how ill I am so has not once windged or jumped me in months. That's respect and we are quite good in the bedroom department for 58/60! There are good men out there.

I wouldn't even speak to him again. Just block him.

He walked out and left someone with baby twins.

Is being sexually abusive to a younger woman who he expects to act like a porn star.

How disgusting.

Definitely end it with him but if you can psyche up to tell him that the sex he expected for you was not only not pleasurable but has left you feeling distressed, there is a small possibility he might treat someone else with more respect. Block him immediately and If he replies with anything other than “I’m really sorry I had no idea”. This still isn’t good enough not to end it.

When they're very young and inexperienced, ok. When they're mid 30s with a decent- length marriage behind them, no. Common decency and some experience of what women actually like should overtake their ego by this point.

Bin him. Porn addled scrotes aren't worth the time and effort

I'll also tell him he's
A ) a lousy shag and
B ) a fking cretin for leaving his wife with 3 kids
And block the scrote 🤢

I think it wouldn't have been as bad if again he didn't expect it for so long.. then I wouldn't have minded too much to do what he likes to please him for a bit.

Expect more than "not as bad". Like, it should actually be fun/something you look forward to. There are 3 possibilities:

1. He is selfish, possibly also struggles to orgasm which is why it goes on for so long, maybe wants to recreate what he sees in porn
2. He mistakenly thinks this is what you want (the going on for hours sounds grim, but actually there is lots of stuff out there that would imply stamina is a good thing. Lots of men worry about "lasting". Also the constant positions thing could be the result of porn/thinking this is what women are into
3. There is nothing wrong with him. You are just not sexually compatible. Maybe you don't deep down fancy him that much

In case number 2 you might be able to fix things by communicating really clearly. But actually the fact you tried and his solution was to not have sex the second time (rather than adapting his approach) makes option 1 more likely.

Actually, rereading your posts I think option 1 is way way more likely. He does come across as rather selfish (and all relationships would go downhill after the birth of twins. It is full on and constant and I assume he didn't get to have fun porn star sex as much as he wanted with his exhausted post-partum wife. Boo hoo. Responsible men would accept that life is tough for both parents and do their best to contribute not run of.)

I'd still tell him its because of the sex though. In the (unlikely) scenario he was doing his best it will help him in the future.

Hang on, he left his wife with twins who were a couple of months old and a five year old because he said she was controlling?

OP, I really think if you were to speak to his wife your eyes would be opened very wide indeed.

I know you are very young and I don't want to patronise you, but please don't think that people change just because you have a chat with them about parts of their sexual behaviour that you don't like - they may change temporarily but what you have seen is who he is.

Ewwwwww... wonder why his wife decided to leg it!

Man alive - RUN OP! The same way he legged it from his young family. What a cockwomble. Agree his wife is definitely well rid.

This thread has made me sad and pissed off. I had boundary issues too when I was younger and a lot of this resonated with me.

OP this guy is not making you happy and will not make you happy. He will do you harm, emotionally, financially and possibly physically. Just text him 'this isn't working for me, it's over'. You don't owe him an explanation - he will try to talk you out of it and you'll feel crap and confused. Been there.

I'd also suggest you invite a friend or family member to stay for a while because he sounds like the kind of guy who would also turn up at your house and expect to be let in.

Take care of yourself OP.

OP this post really worries me. I think you are open and honest with yourself which is great but you are not actually prioritising yourself at all. You are self blaming and have chronically low expectations of your partner. Older, not very involved with the lives of his very young children (huge red flag), speaks badly of his ex (huge red flag) and treated you with no care to your comfort never mind enjoyment when you were as vulnerable as can be. Huge fucking red flag. This man is appalling. Bad sex can be improved when there is care and communication but this man just used you to meet his needs. There is nothing that can be done and in time he will do this in all parts of his life. Your response is to wonder how to improve your communication. You consider bringing it up in a joke sexy way as you minimise your feelings to prioritise his. You are seeking justifications when you need non. You owe him nothing and need some self care and counselling to find your voice. I do not mean that to sound at all critical - you sound lovely but this loser parent and selfish uncaring man needs to be taken out of your life.

I'm so sorry that happened to you, that must have been terrifying! Glad you are out of it now, I'm sorry that next girl though. I will have to keep reinforcing to my daughters that they don't have to put up with this treatment, I worry so much for them with boys growing up with all this.

YES to this! ^