It's all good... until we go up to bed!

[PinkPanther98]

Hello all,

This is an intimate one but I'm looking for advice on the best way to approach this!

I'm in a new relationship. Mostly he's a gentleman, but the other night when we “went to bed” I really felt used.. what he expected, and for how long for (it was literally hours)!

I really struggle in the moment how to be like hurry the f up 😂 That on top of him wanting me to do most of the work, it got to the point where it wasn't enjoyable for me.

He got the idea how the next night he promised to leave me alone. But I don't want it to have to be all or nothing.

I know he's probably just a man trying to make the most of it, but I feel it's actually taking the mick of how excessive it is not respecting my time or body.

The other thing is now it made me feel.. putting me in “pornstar poses” which I just feel so exposed, and simply doing things I don't like. I guess I like things a certain way but I just ran with it…partly because I don't know how to communicate it, and also don't want to be deemed as lazy/boring/one sided !

I think it wouldn't have been as bad if again he didn't expect it for so long.. then I wouldn't have minded too much to do what he likes to please him for a bit. I like being treated like a lady and I really didn't feel like one! I would go as far as to say I feel a bit violated but that's on me for being at a lost on what to say 😬 please help!

I have found myself at the point of avoiding starting anything to not be put in this position again. It's a shame when outside of sex, we seem to have a good relationship on the whole.

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading and your advice will be appreciated 😊 x

Jesus Christ.

What an absolute horrible man.

Six month old twins and he fucks off to act like a pornstar.

His wife is well rid.

Why would you even consider dating this man?

He left the mother of his kids with 4 month old twins and a 5 year old. I can imagine how she was 'controlling'...asking him to do his share, to help with the kids and the house. To me this is the biggest red flag of them all. That he could be off doing what he is doing, leaving a woman in that position is actually horrific.
I think the shiny exterior and the reality of this man might be very different.
Don't risk getting pregnant to this man whatever you do ( I wouldn't have sex with someone who had done that under any circumstances, just in case!)
Think of the kind of man you would want in your life. You come across as a strong, lovely and independent woman. You deserve a man as solid as you are yourself.

When I was having really good sex it would last for hours and.I loved it. That’s because it was really good sex. The fact that you want it to end means he is using you. You need to talk to him about it. You’re not enjoying it and he’s using your body like he’s in a sweet shop.

But I bet it wasn't all PiV and there was lots of communication and cuddling as well as actual sex. That's what I'd expect in hours long sessions, anyway.

OP...
Firstly without wishing to sound in anyway patronising, for someone of 25... you seem to really have your head screwed on and amazing emotional intelligence! I'm 10 years older than you and applaud you for being so self aware.

I had to read through all of your posts on this thread because I honestly thought that you might have been talking about the same man I have just come out of a relationship with, even down to the UTI you have! I had at least 3 in the space of 7 months of sleeping with him. He was addicted to porn and had to masturbate at least once a day (no shame in this but it was something he HAD to do, even if we had been having lots of sex). Similarly, sex often felt performative and he would constantly push my boundaries. He took photos without my consent, tried to insert objects inside of me, kept trying to have anal sex with me despite me saying I didn't want to... etc etc... I often felt degraded and confused after our sex, but I told myself I was newly divorced and I wanted to enjoy having some wild fun. Which is madness, I know.

Looking back, he had huge issues which I overlooked because I fancied him and believed deep down he was good. The fact is, he was someone with incredibly low self esteem/women issues and if he wasn't getting sex with me... he'd be getting it elsewhere, and I don't doubt probably was during our time together anyway.

Secondly, as someone whose husband walked out on her and her twin babies... he's not a good egg. They're still so young and he should be prioritising them as his ex will be running herself ragged (i can't imagine also having the 6 year old to boot!). I'll bet he sees it as a huge bonus to be dating someone with her own place because he then doesn't have to stay at his Mums. Before long he'll be moved in with you and expecting you to help him to look after the children he abandoned, it's textbook and exactly what my Ex-DH has done.

Get out, value your worth and your intelligence and find someone who makes you feel safe in and out of the bedroom. X

It went downhill after she had twins, and she simply couldn't cope with him any more, by the sound of it. Can you imagine having two babies and trying to cope with his nocturnal demands as well? She probably put her foot down and just said no. Hence him thinking she's controlling.

@SerenityNowInsanityLater · Yesterday 19:51

This is as bad as it gets. I feel worn down on your behalf. He’s no gentleman. He’s been pornhubbed to death (which also explains the hours of sex as hard labour). When did sex become all about performance and nothing about feeling? Just have a good ol’ fashioned howling orgasm! What happened to that simplicity?

Now you and your bleached asshole have to get into position and look the part of some exploited girl woman he wanks to while looking at his phone on the shitter. That’s pretty much a summary of men these days. ‘Wax it like a little girl’s’. They want this.

Ask them why this has become normalised. Why do we comply with porn’s (and the men addicted to it) standards? And the men who demand this obviously haven’t looked in a mirror for ages. Porn has ruined everything. It really has.

Brilliant post, and so true.

I was watching Personal Services (the Julie Walters film about Brothel Madam Cynthia Payne,) and it came to the fore what actual fucking pigs many men are. Not all of course, but enough! Particularly as they get older. Even then - back in the late 1980s, they wanted weird kinks - being tied up, whipped, peed on and the like. AND they constantly cheated on their wives.

NOW, men are far worse. (Some not all!) As has been said, they want nasty stuff now, like anal, fisting, forcing their penis in your mouth til you gag, choking you, and all manner of stuff I won't put on here as it's too grim for words.

I have nothing against women shaving down below, and indeed it can make oral more pleasurable, (and women with shaved pubes do NOT look like a child FFS!) but women should not be made to shave if they don't want to. Yet, many men want it, and also, as you said, they want it 'nice and tight.' This is why some men push anal sex on women.

I am soooo glad I missed this hideous period in time as a young woman. Men wanting long sessions of jackhammering a woman, trying to shove his penis in her mouth or up her arse, 'spraying' all over her face, trying to throttle her, and hitting her, making her shave her minge (whether she wants to or not,) and bleach her arse etc... And then you have the media telling girls/young women they all need big lips, smooth tanned skin, brilliant white teeth, massive boobs, and a big bum etc etc. The pressure on young women these days is dreadful.

tl;dr @PinkPanther98 Sorry to have blathered on. As pps have said. throw this one back in the sea. He sounds vile. Value yourself more.

.

You need to get rid of him, he’s not a good man at all.

He treats you like a pornstar, and the selfish man can’t be arsed to see his own poor kids. Have you got any idea at all how hard it is to have twins, and he runs back to his own mummy.

He sounds bloody awful all round frankly.

Find someone nice and who is a good man. Don’t waste your time on this prick.

Porn and sec scenes in films has ruined the sex lives of many men. They think what they see is ‘normal’ and feel short changed if they don’t get it. The expectations on women are off the scale. They don’t realise that the women in what they watch are faking it.

Yep!

My ex-DH was using escorts and cheating on me. I first discovered it when our twins were 6 weeks old.

His excuse? He felt trapped and lost after becoming a Dad?

Bear in mind, I did most of the night feeds, looked after the babies, cleaned the house, prepped meals, kept our lives running whilst absolutely shattered and recovering from a c section and difficult pregnancy.

He returned to work the day after the twins were born (and in NICU) and his life was largely unchanged. Yet he was the one feeing trapped and controlled!

These men are weak, horrible excuses for partners and fathers.

I’m so glad you made this thread op and could benefit from all the female wisdom here. I have little to add other than to say in my 40s I have just about unpicked all the experiences of bad, coercive sex enough to enjoy sex. Prior to that it was this experience of a man taking what he wants. That was really my view of what sex was, and hard to undo. Save yourself time and don’t settle for this, or normalise it in any way.

@DixonD please listen to @hellsBells246

Your husband is absolutely disgusting and rapey and you need to get yourself safe.

When a man acts this way, it shows he has a certain attitude - as in he thinks women are only there for his sexual pleasure - so I'd bin him off

The clue was in 'I'll leave you alone tonight.' OP is a receptacle to be used, nothing more.

I agree @Beginningless this thread has brought together a lot of important information and yes wisdom from our collective experiences. It seems the OP has benefited and I hope others like @DixonD will too

This. He sounds awful.

You’ve probably been quoted alot. This isn’t a relationship it’s abusive. During sex if I’m enjoying it but I make a noise like I’m not my DH immediately stops and asks if I’m ok. Me being in pain shuts all pleasure down for him. He would never actually ask me to
do something that he knows hurts or worse gives me a fucking UTI! Please know this is in no way normal or loving.

No it isn't the best post. With respect, and I acknowledge the poster hadn't seen all the updates when it went up, it is one of the worst apart from the first sentence.

He isn't worth this placatory crap. As others have said he already knows that wasn't the way or should do. It isn't for the OP to change his entire outlook.

Now his ex is controlling, he left after they had twins and and he insists on staying every time he comes round and the OP isn't equipped to say no?

She's out of her depth, he's a bad egg. She needs to end this. At 25 does she really want to be with an older divorced father of 3 long term? Probably not. There are other issues. So why prolong it with silly conversations about why he's so awful in bed, giving her UTIs?

People including me are speaking from years of dating experience, abusive relationships, violence, sexual assault, rape, good relationships, everything.

This forum isn't always right but tends to be solid when it comes to sinister behaviour like this. If this was a situation where talking it out was the answer, more women here would be suggesting it.

Never be afraid to express your own needs and make sure you get them. No relationship is worth sacrificing yourself for.

I have been in this situation and did communicate afterwards that I wasn't happy about being treated like a porn actress. He apologised and understood but it killed it in the end as he'd given me the ick by behaving like that.

I think it's driven by pornography use and is dehumanising for real life women.

Oh gosh. This update is scary. Please get out now. Plenty more people you can meet etc.
this one needs to be dumped as soon as you can

Please don’t waste another second of your life on this man. He has nothing to offer you except his selfishness. So many red flags that others have pointed out. Run, don’t walk. Text him good bye and block.

Then practise saying out loud the phrases you need to be able to asset yourself. It is absolutely normal that in vulnerable situations where you are being violated that you might freeze and disassociate until it’s over, but feeling comfortable saying “stop” and “no” and “I’m not going to do that” is really important. You endured something for literally hours that made you feel terrible. That is on him (he knew, he just didn’t care), but if you find yourself with another sexual partner who is behaving like a predator, you might be able to step away sooner. You don’t owe men like this an explanation or a conversation or a chance to be educated. They simply don’t care. Feeling able to walk away at the first sign of trouble is important for your own wellbeing though. You are a person, not a masturbatory aid.

Please listen to this poster op

Smooshface! this happened to me, this is a validation of your last two sentences - he was clumsy, awkward, rough, a brute.
I did try, to choreograph the encounter, heard the immortal line
“Ive never had any complaints” as though it must be me.

One time I couldn’t walk properly for two days after. Not funny.
When they mock or disparage your discomfort or even reluctance, it’s
time to end it.
He was very strong and would pin me down. It took a while to be able to leave.
Obviously he wasn’t like this until he had me isolated on the farm where no one
can hear you scream. He was a real proper gentleman. (see my comments above)
Then a woman 20 years younger moved in with him.
My older wiser friend, (we all should have one) advised
‘women can mistake brute force for passion, especially younger less experienced’
as in mistaking a sexual encounter anytime anywhere as desire and enthusiasm,
not forced at all.

If only… we could be wise at 25, or even, for me, 45.

nor do they realise how internally damaged many of these women are,
resulting in rebuilt vaginas, oral cancer, regular breast implants, etc.

Sounds awful, OP! No woman shoulf ever need to feel like this, its so sad.

With him having had been married and and being 35 I think he is trying it on rather than genuinly knowing than real life sex isnt like porn.

I think if you feel you could go further if he changed his behaviour immediately after a conversetion was had, give it a try but I personally couldnt. He might change after having some therapy but I wouldnt count on that.

@PinkPanther98 my advice isn’t even going to be about the horrible sex. Tell him that you don’t want to date a separated man who has 3 children. He can’t argue with that, whereas he might try to persuade you that he will change how he treats you in the bedroom.

I’m appalled that he left his ex and moved on so soon after their twins were born. He’s a scummy bastard and you can do so much better than him.