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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's all good... until we go up to bed!

523 replies

PinkPanther98 · 17/02/2024 18:56

Hello all,

This is an intimate one but I'm looking for advice on the best way to approach this!

I'm in a new relationship. Mostly he's a gentleman, but the other night when we “went to bed” I really felt used.. what he expected, and for how long for (it was literally hours)!

I really struggle in the moment how to be like hurry the f up 😂 That on top of him wanting me to do most of the work, it got to the point where it wasn't enjoyable for me.

He got the idea how the next night he promised to leave me alone. But I don't want it to have to be all or nothing.

I know he's probably just a man trying to make the most of it, but I feel it's actually taking the mick of how excessive it is not respecting my time or body.

The other thing is now it made me feel.. putting me in “pornstar poses” which I just feel so exposed, and simply doing things I don't like. I guess I like things a certain way but I just ran with it…partly because I don't know how to communicate it, and also don't want to be deemed as lazy/boring/one sided !

I think it wouldn't have been as bad if again he didn't expect it for so long.. then I wouldn't have minded too much to do what he likes to please him for a bit. I like being treated like a lady and I really didn't feel like one! I would go as far as to say I feel a bit violated but that's on me for being at a lost on what to say 😬 please help!

I have found myself at the point of avoiding starting anything to not be put in this position again. It's a shame when outside of sex, we seem to have a good relationship on the whole.

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading and your advice will be appreciated 😊 x

OP posts:
CheeseSandwichRiskAssessment · 18/02/2024 10:28

This is a depressing thread. How he treats the OP, how he left his wife with newborn twins (!) and other stories people are sharing with similar husbands just makes me despair.

Blah12345678999 · 18/02/2024 10:33

EmmaEmerald · 18/02/2024 10:14

@PinkPanther98

Bin. Via message, no explanation needed.

Yes, please do not do it in person! Sounds like he’s trying to move himself into your place as well which makes sense since he lives with his mum!

Codlingmoths · 18/02/2024 10:35

HollyKnight · 18/02/2024 04:29

He has 14-month-old twins and been separated for a year? So he left when they were only a few months old. What a piece of shit. That should have been a red flag for you from the start. The first was just little when the twins arrived. The woman probably didn't know what had hit her fgs. Then her husband is like "You're too moody for me. Cya!" He basically dumped her after taking her youth and lumbering her with children so he could go find someone else still able and willing to perform pornstar moves for him.

Edited

This is how I feel? Diddums wife not want sex for hours while she got up with newborn twins every 3 hours and looked after them 24 hours a day? It is almost always a reason to have zero respect for a man that their marriage coincidentally stops working at the same time as their wife is looking after a baby, or two. Shit husband, shit dad, shit person is the message that sends.

Orio2023 · 18/02/2024 10:36

You don’t assert boundaries or have conversations with abusers op. You just don’t see them again.

SOxon · 18/02/2024 10:37

OP this man has no sexual manners, which are nothing to do with age,
class, education, outlook, salary, rather something intrinsic to the man
which then manifests in an intimate, love making, sexual context.
This is something to bear in mind for the future, manners maketh man.

In ANY relationship, Respect is the bottom line, below which one should
not delve.

HateMyRubbishBoss · 18/02/2024 10:38

Get rid

Abuse will also be extended to different forms in the future

Also perhaps rethink what definition of abuse is ; it ll do you and your future kids massive good

easy problem to fix

take care x

Codlingmoths · 18/02/2024 10:39

It’s half term, he’s randomly taken a few days off and lands at yours to stay, when his child is off school. He obviously didn’t book any time to actually have him for a few days even though it’s clearly easy to take a few days off. Oh op you can do better than this man who is too selfish to be a dad. There’s no way such a man can be unselfish in a relationship either.

Combattingthemoaners · 18/02/2024 10:39

So he’s selfish? Borderline aggressive and has no ability to realise you are not enjoying it? On top of that, he’s a father of 3 and you are 25. Go out on and enjoy life instead of being stuck with a man like him! When you are ready for a proper relationship, there are plenty of nice men in the world who will not treat you like this.

Seeingadistance · 18/02/2024 10:44

DGPP · 17/02/2024 19:20

I wouldn’t even have the conversation, I’d just bin him. If he asks why, say the sex made you feel like he was trying to reenact porn and that’s not your thing. Next!

This.

DonnyBurrito · 18/02/2024 10:44

After reading the rest of your replies, I think definitely throw this one back and use this experience as a learning curve.

The lack of structured contact between him, his young child and two babies should have got your guard up, the living with his mum should have given you the ick, and the shit sex should have been the death knell.

He's a mess. Not in a position to be dating.

My advice is to continue use Mumsnet for advice when dating a new man, especially if he has children. The posters here will help you unpick a situation and give you insight into how the relationship will likely play out for you.

JKBH2728 · 18/02/2024 10:47

DGPP · 17/02/2024 19:20

I wouldn’t even have the conversation, I’d just bin him. If he asks why, say the sex made you feel like he was trying to reenact porn and that’s not your thing. Next!

Same!

tara66 · 18/02/2024 10:48

You would be doing him a favour and save yourself a lot of trouble by just telling him to read this thread - he needs to know!

whatisheupto · 18/02/2024 10:51

Thank god his ex managed to get rid of him.

What a low life scum loser. Preying on girls 10 years younger because he knows no one his own age would fall for this.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 18/02/2024 10:51

When I was having really good sex it would last for hours and.I loved it. That’s because it was really good sex. The fact that you want it to end means he is using you. You need to talk to him about it. You’re not enjoying it and he’s using your body like he’s in a sweet shop.

It certainly sounds like he was in a sexless relationship, then probably leant on porn and now he gets to reenact all the selfish porn acts he watched on you. You should charge!!

HelloDarlingWhatAreYouDoingHere · 18/02/2024 10:52

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 17/02/2024 19:51

This is as bad as it gets. I feel worn down on your behalf. He’s no gentleman. He’s been pornhubbed to death (which also explains the hours of sex as hard labour). When did sex become all about performance and nothing about feeling? Just have a good ol’ fashioned howling orgasm! What happened to that simplicity? Now you and your bleached asshole have to get into position and look the part of some exploited girl woman he wanks to while looking at his phone on the shitter. That’s pretty much a summary of men these days. ‘Wax it like a little girl’s’. They want this. Ask them why this has become normalised. Why do we comply with porn’s (and the men addicted to it) standards? And the men who demand this obviously haven’t looked in a mirror for ages. Porn has ruined everything. It really has.
Anyway, I digress. He’s a luxury assclown. You’ve done your time. It’s shit, OP. There’s nothing you can do to turn this gulag into Disneyland.

This is spot on.

👏👏👏

Velvian · 18/02/2024 10:52

He left his wife with 2 month old twins and an older child for 'being too controlling' fucking hell! Poor woman!

He is definitely not a catch @PinkPanther98 . Hope you are OK.

DonnyBurrito · 18/02/2024 10:52

IAmNotAVet · 18/02/2024 10:18

I was feeling quite sorry for the op until I read this.
Op, if you had any standards, you wouldn't be desperately trying to keep this man.

Show quote history

Her standards will get there. She sounds young (which she is!) and innocent. God, how I wish I the knowledge I have now and could go back in time to when I was 25!

hellsBells246 · 18/02/2024 10:54

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Oh my god. This is one of the worse things I've read on here.

Your h is a disgusting creep who doesn't care if he hurts you during sex.

Why do you even care about his feelings? I'd bin him immediately.

Because I'm worth more than that. And so are you.

Please ring Women's Aid and get some help. You deserve much better.

hellsBells246 · 18/02/2024 10:56

Op, you are very young, too young to put yourself in your bf's ex's shoes, but listen to this: how he treats his ex, he will treat you and any other woman.

He is a selfish, lazy, thoughtless, porn-addled dickhead who's shit in bed and only cares about himself.

He left his wife with tiny newborn twins. I have a huge amount of contempt for him.

So should you.

mintbiscuit · 18/02/2024 11:03

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 17/02/2024 19:51

This is as bad as it gets. I feel worn down on your behalf. He’s no gentleman. He’s been pornhubbed to death (which also explains the hours of sex as hard labour). When did sex become all about performance and nothing about feeling? Just have a good ol’ fashioned howling orgasm! What happened to that simplicity? Now you and your bleached asshole have to get into position and look the part of some exploited girl woman he wanks to while looking at his phone on the shitter. That’s pretty much a summary of men these days. ‘Wax it like a little girl’s’. They want this. Ask them why this has become normalised. Why do we comply with porn’s (and the men addicted to it) standards? And the men who demand this obviously haven’t looked in a mirror for ages. Porn has ruined everything. It really has.
Anyway, I digress. He’s a luxury assclown. You’ve done your time. It’s shit, OP. There’s nothing you can do to turn this gulag into Disneyland.

Excellent post. Wish someone had told me this when I was younger instead of having to work it out myself.

This one’s not a keeper OP. Throw him back. It will get worse.

Dancerprancer19 · 18/02/2024 11:11

pikkumyy77 · 17/02/2024 21:43

THIS IS NOT A COMMUNICATION ISSUE.

Sorry to shout. But calling this a communication issue makes it seem like if you just found the magic words he’d change. Why doesn’t he have to find the magic words so sex with him is pleasurable and not traumatizing?

You can’t talk someone into treating you well. They either know how to do it or they aren’t going to do it.

THIS.

Please immediately leave him and find someone who doesn't treat you like an object. You really shouldn't have to tell someone "please don't abuse me".

I'm sorry this happened to you. You deserve so much more.

Dancerprancer19 · 18/02/2024 11:13

@DixonD this is marital rape. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

BigAnne · 18/02/2024 11:13

Darling girl, you're the same age as my youngest DD. Please please get rid of this scumbag. You're in your prime. Don't waste it xxx

CanINapNow · 18/02/2024 11:17

So he left his wife with newborn twins?!!! What a fucking charmer. Run a mile OP. And tell him why. Might at least help the next woman he tries this on with.

Smooshface · 18/02/2024 11:19

Really is shit that a whole generation of men are getting this idea that sex has to be a performance of epic proportions and it really doesn't matter about a women's comfort and experience. I was with my ex for a long time and at the end he was basically saying he wanted rough sex all the time and I was trying to say that I really didn't enjoy that but he didn't listen. I ended up avoiding sex as much as possible and he ended up having affair, presumably she accepts this treatment, good luck to her. So glad I don't have to do that now.