It's all good... until we go up to bed!

[PinkPanther98]

Hello all,

This is an intimate one but I'm looking for advice on the best way to approach this!

I'm in a new relationship. Mostly he's a gentleman, but the other night when we “went to bed” I really felt used.. what he expected, and for how long for (it was literally hours)!

I really struggle in the moment how to be like hurry the f up 😂 That on top of him wanting me to do most of the work, it got to the point where it wasn't enjoyable for me.

He got the idea how the next night he promised to leave me alone. But I don't want it to have to be all or nothing.

I know he's probably just a man trying to make the most of it, but I feel it's actually taking the mick of how excessive it is not respecting my time or body.

The other thing is now it made me feel.. putting me in “pornstar poses” which I just feel so exposed, and simply doing things I don't like. I guess I like things a certain way but I just ran with it…partly because I don't know how to communicate it, and also don't want to be deemed as lazy/boring/one sided !

I think it wouldn't have been as bad if again he didn't expect it for so long.. then I wouldn't have minded too much to do what he likes to please him for a bit. I like being treated like a lady and I really didn't feel like one! I would go as far as to say I feel a bit violated but that's on me for being at a lost on what to say 😬 please help!

I have found myself at the point of avoiding starting anything to not be put in this position again. It's a shame when outside of sex, we seem to have a good relationship on the whole.

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading and your advice will be appreciated 😊 x

Please don't feel as though you owe this man a face-to-face conversation. A text is more than sufficient: "Hi x, I've taken some time to think things over - I won't be seeing you again as we're sexually incompatible. It felt as though my comfort and enjoyment did not matter to you."

Optional: "All the best."

Dump him. He sounds vile, and you're not a masturbatory aid.

It's a 'brand new relationship' so not actually a relationship at all. You have discovered very early on that you aren't sexually or emotionally compatible. Don't feel that you have to persist with this. It's not your duty to fix him. Dump him and move on.

He just sounds vile, honestly. Not just the selfish inconsiderate sex but also the fact he left twin babies and a 6 year old, and with three days off in half term saw them for a couple of hours. Throwing shade on his ex with that old favourite label, narcissist. Inviting himself to stay. Bringing a bag ffs.

Honestly in my mind I visualise an older, recently “free” man-boy who’s slobbering at the thought of hammering away at his young GF every night, living out his porn fantasies. Probably bragging to his idiot mates, if he has any. I know that sounds awful, but genuinely as someone more than twice your age that’s what I see.

Bin him off OP, he doesn’t deserve someone as sweet and lovely as you sound.

said he's been separated for about a year now. Left because it went down hill after the twins were born (already got a 6yr old with her tho). Described her as a narcissist and controlling 😬

She was probably saying things like, "please don't go to the pub this evening. Please put the next load in the washing and watch the kids while I have a couple of hours sleep. I'm exhausted..."

Seriously @PinkPanther98 this is crazy talk. You keep saying you want to avoid this happening again. Well that’s really easy, you don’t see him again. Please don’t bother with all this shite about talking about porn etc just bin him.

You are 25, no way should you be stuck with a man with three children. What the hell are you thinking? Give your head a wobble, dust yourself down and message then block.

Sorted

This man is abusing you. Please get out of the relationship now. If his "fun" is dependent on hurting you he is scum. You are not at fault for wanting to enjoy sex rather than be forced to tolerate painful and degrading violation.

And OP I would also echo other posters and forget trying to change this man. Just end the relationship. He's a creep and I bet he dumped his wife for being too exhausted to tolerate 6 hour sex marathons because she has a pair of babies to take care of.

DixonD This is sexual abuse surely? Time to be leaving I think!

Another one for just dump him. I would never tolerate this abuse. He has been watching way too much porn and thinks this is normal. It is not unless both parties want this which you obviously don't.

I know it isn’t easy, but in terms of how to approach it, the first thing is to stop worrying about how such a conversation might come across, or what he might think. You need to put yourself first here, and remember how YOU are feeling about this. Sex and intimacy should never involve feeling put-upon by the other person. Trust your instincts on this. Take care

Too many men think sex is penetration and 'how long he can last'. My idea of sex is 15 minutes of penetration, max. Emotional connection, kissing, sexual massage, oral are the main events. Your pleasure and orgasm should be the most important thing. Any man worth keeping finds pleasure in yours, and your orgasm should happen first however you wish it to occur. It's what should turn him on, and for many women penetration is not the main part of sex. Penetration and his (and any for you subsequent) orgasm are the finale. No one likes a dragged-out ending.

OP do you know for sure he has left his wife? Or is this hideous arsehole giving himself ‘time off’ to escape his duties as a parent?

In the (unlikely) event he has indeed left his wife he has openly admitted this would have been when the twins were two months old. He calls her ‘controlling’ but I would say it’s highly possible all she is asking is that he be a parent which he evidently feels unable to achieve, presumably because fucking is his top priority (and kids and exhausted wives get in the way of that don’t they?).

Or maybe she did kick him out because ultimately bringing three children up on your own is still easier than doing it while navigating the pathetic sexual expectations of a borderline rapist.

This isn’t who you want to spend your future with is it? An intelligent woman with her own place and a few years in hand to make good choices?

Approach him to ask him if he's watched porn. Suggest to him that pornography is not about feelings, it's just SEX and you prefer a loving relationship with him and not feel like you're in a movie. Let him know how you'd like to be treated. Maybe he thinks you liked how he treated you if you don't let him know otherwise. He seems like he's trying to impress. Good luck.

Absolute waste of time. All the OP needs to do is dump by text, block, and take the whole horrible experience as a VERY valuable lesson about men who target younger women.

When a man acts this way, it shows he has a certain attitude - as in he thinks women are only there for his sexual pleasure - so I'd bin him off.

Conversations are for men who are considerate of you, in all situations, including during sex. I am extremely sexually adventurous, so if someone is generally considerate but does something I do not find acceptable (hands on neck for example) then I tell them. Because they'd probably have assumed I'm up for it, given that I'm up for most things.

But posing me during sex (outside of role play)? Making me do all the work? Banging on for hours? Leaving me feeling used? Nope, that's someone who has no consideration and who I don't want to be with.

Usually, if someone was taking a long time, I tell them I'm sore and finish them off with a hand job. But in this case, I think you were sensing that actually, he didn't care if you were enjoying it or not. I get that totally - it's really uncomfortable to speak up and be ignored, so it's easier to not speak up.

When sex is so bad you feel violated, it's really time to trust your feelings, trust that he sucks, and get rid.

It’s this one OP

Then the other part of me thinks that I should expect a certain level of behavior nevertheless without me having to correct it

I guarantee you can do better than this chancer.

Coming prepared with his overnight bag? Ugh. And his ex at home with 14 month twins. What a prince…..

I don’t even know you and I feel like punching him hard for treating you and your body so disrespectfully.
Another OP mentioned the word rapey and that’s exactly what I thought. Treating you like a prostitute who had to go along with everything he wanted because he was in charge.
No consideration for your comfort and enjoyment.
You sound such a lovely thoughtful person OP which he knows and has took massive advantage of that.
You have your whole life ahead of you where you can meet a nice man who will cherish you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
Please throw this sad porn obsessed wanker in the bin.

This isn't sustainable! Even if things changed, you would always know what he actually wanted in the bedroom and there would be a weird elephant in the room.
If you are 25, this is a perfect life lesson to carry forward. Take some time alone and figure out why you are afraid to say no, learn how to express what you want and take that with you into future relationships.

If the sex is bad at this stage, honestly, it's not going to get any better.

If you're at the "Jesus GET OFF ME" point NOW, then it's not worth continuing.

Dump him.

This sounds absolutely grim, he's awful. I wouldn't even have a conversation with him, I wouldn't want to see him again after this. Throw him back OP.

@PinkPanther98 When a poster was referring to him moving in with you, you said 'I know but moving in would have to require a bit more of a conversation'.

Actually, staying overnight without being invited to 'requires a bit more conversation', doesn't it ? Yet he didn't think so...

Taking days off work to 'help you' look for a new car 'requires a bit more conversation', doesn't it ? Yet he didn't think so ...

Turning a 'one night' uninvited stay into a 3 night stay 'requires a bit more conversation', doesn't it ? Yet again, HE doesn't think so...

He's absolutely taking the piss by never even asking/discussing anything he feel like doing, isn't he ?

Apparently, all YOU have to do is COMPLY. With anything and everything HE decides to do, your only involvement is 100% PASSIVE/PERMISSIVE.

So, he's already GIVEN you your 'role' in this 'relationship'. Without discussing a damn thing with you !

Question is, what are you going to do about it ?

@PinkPanther98

Bin. Via message, no explanation needed.

I was feeling quite sorry for the op until I read this.
Op, if you had any standards, you wouldn't be desperately trying to keep this man.

Dump him

Ditch him!