It's all good... until we go up to bed!

[PinkPanther98]

Hello all,

This is an intimate one but I'm looking for advice on the best way to approach this!

I'm in a new relationship. Mostly he's a gentleman, but the other night when we “went to bed” I really felt used.. what he expected, and for how long for (it was literally hours)!

I really struggle in the moment how to be like hurry the f up 😂 That on top of him wanting me to do most of the work, it got to the point where it wasn't enjoyable for me.

He got the idea how the next night he promised to leave me alone. But I don't want it to have to be all or nothing.

I know he's probably just a man trying to make the most of it, but I feel it's actually taking the mick of how excessive it is not respecting my time or body.

The other thing is now it made me feel.. putting me in “pornstar poses” which I just feel so exposed, and simply doing things I don't like. I guess I like things a certain way but I just ran with it…partly because I don't know how to communicate it, and also don't want to be deemed as lazy/boring/one sided !

I think it wouldn't have been as bad if again he didn't expect it for so long.. then I wouldn't have minded too much to do what he likes to please him for a bit. I like being treated like a lady and I really didn't feel like one! I would go as far as to say I feel a bit violated but that's on me for being at a lost on what to say 😬 please help!

I have found myself at the point of avoiding starting anything to not be put in this position again. It's a shame when outside of sex, we seem to have a good relationship on the whole.

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading and your advice will be appreciated 😊 x

@PinkPanther98 the reason why I say 'tell him' how you feel, either face to face or text and block is that you are 25 and absolutely have to start using your voice.

I would prefer it if it was a lighter topic than your sex life and sexual safety, however, people don't just start being assertive overnight. You have to work out your boundaries and verbalise it .......'this is not acceptable......'

You need to normalise asserting your boundaries otherwise people will take advantage.

He's a sex pest op. Please dump him and move on.

This is a very valid point.

@DixonD and OP, I have name-changed for this because this is personal info in going to share but I couldn't go past without commenting. Your posts have made me so, so sad and I'm so sorry that you are being treated like this by horrible, selfish men.

DixonD the fact that your partner doesn't care that he hurts you is appalling, abusive and probably literally criminal. Who has made you believe that you are worth so little that this is something you should put up with for the sake of "keeping the family together" our anything else? What would you say to your children if you found out they were being treated like this? Wouldn't you tell them to leave? Wouldn't it break your heart and make you wonder where you went wrong to give them such crippling low self-esteem? Please care about yourself to the same degree. I bet that's not the only area of life in which he treats you like you don't matter.

For context, my DH and I have our ups and downs as a couple but he has always, ALWAYS been loving, kind and respectful in bed. He checks in, making sure I'm comfortable, doing what I like, happy to be 'corrected', looks into my eyes, is gentle (even when very much taking control) and any time he's 'hit the wrong spot' and caused me a twinge of discomfort, always immediately stopped with concern unless and until I've told him I'm OK to carry on. He makes very sure I finish and finish first on the basis of can be a bit more involved for women and its truly important to him that i enjoy myself. Sex is usually a 15-40 minute affair from absolute start to finish. All of the above means he is a fantastic lover.

Once or twice (in many years) we've managed to actually do ourselves a minor injury to the point we couldn't carry on (think a misjudged angle!) and laughed about it and had a cuddle instead.

HE HAS BEEN LIKE THIS FROM THE VERY START when we were late teens.

Incidentally, I know he used to use general porn when younger, though I believe not much, and he tells me he doesn't use any containing real people now because he knows i don't like it (erotic lit instead). I didn't demand he stop or lay down ultimatums so I have no reason to disbelieve him and I honestly think it makes such a difference.

I don't say all this to brag, but because I want you to know that there really are wonderful, kind, sexy, respectful men out there and you do NOT have to put up with the shitshow you're currently experiencing. In any case I would truly be happily single than with men who behave like this (and personally would rule men who use porn out of my dating pool in future should anything - god forbid - happen to my DH, no matter how small that made my dating pool.)

Please believe you deserve better. It breaks my heart reading your posts and hearing what you've been led to believe you have to tolerate and tiptoe round for the sake of a man. Xx

This.

He has no consideration for your needs and is just thinking of himself.

He's not worth it.

Also, can I just give you one piece of advice if you do decide to talk to him vis text or in person, OP? (Hopefully just to dump him)

Remember: you DON'T NEED HIM TO AGREE WITH WHAT YOU'RE SAYING. Chances are he will want to argue the point in some way to make him not to blame, and possibly you being to blame in some way - not speaking up at the time (how was he to know?! How dare you take away access to yourself without giving him another chance etc.!), being repressed for not enjoying it (frigid, weird, most women like it (LOL) etc.), guilt for making him feel bad (are you saying I'm like a rapist, it's been so long since I've been with a woman, are you saying I'm bad in bed etc. etc.) and being too sexy (compliments - I'm just so attracted to you I want to do everything/ got carried away etc.).

Just ignore it all.

You say your piece, tell him what's happening and block/ignore all manipulation. It DOESN'T MATTER what he thinks of you because of it and you do not need to persuade him round to your way of thinking or 'give him a chance' before you're allowed to end it. You can literally just end it no matter how 'unfair' or 'crazy' he thinks it is.

Remember, he doesn't care about your experience (in or out of the bedroom) - he's just trying not to lose what he wants by any means possible.

OP, the onus is not on you to develop clear communication/assertiveness skills to educate this wanker.

The onus was on him to be aware of you as a human being, during what is supposed to be the most intimate of moments.

He turned it into an ordeal.

The one failing at the most basic level of communication is him. It's hard to know if he deliberately fucked you over or it was just an accidental side effect of his indifference faced with the possibility of fulfilling a porn fantasy (or two... or three... or however many. I can't image what he found to do for HOURS!!!).

If I were you, I'd forget about finding a careful/effective way of explaining your side of things to him. I'd just be looking for a way to have nothing more to do with him. I dread to think how you would feel next time. Why expose your gentle soul, let alone your poor abused body, to all that shit, or even the risk of it happening again?!

@DixonD please leave your husband, that it utterly unacceptable
How often do you ask him to put up with something you're doing that hurts him, because you like it? Can you imagine yourself saying "Shush, just a bit longer"?!

Not RTFT in its entirety OP, but I’ve read all your replies and in everything you’ve said the thing that stands out to me is his comment “I’ll leave you alone tonight”.

It tells you everything you need to know.

1 He is fully aware that you didn’t enthusiastically participate in and enjoy the sex you had with him.

2 He knows you want a ‘break’ and you’re probably not keen to do it again straight away (at a phase in your relationship when you should barely be able to keep your hands off each other).

3 He sees sex as something he needs to ‘pester’ for because no woman would willingly sign up for what he’s offering.

4 He sees sex as being for his pleasure and enjoyment, and as something his partner simply needs to endure for his benefit.

This is every shade of wrong at any stage in a relationship, but if this is what he’s like at the very beginning he’s basically gift-wrapped himself in red flag bunting. Please don’t question your own deep instincts - you feel violated because you were. He’s treated you like a wankdoll.

I’m afraid I’m yet another one saying kick the fucker and his overnight bag to the kerb. You’re worth way more than this.

When I first started reading your thread, I was going to suggest having a proper conversation with him but the more you post, the worse he sounds.
The fact that he already had an overnight bag in his car. The dreadful sex. The outstaying his welcome. The fact he has young children and didn't prioritise them. He's stamping all over you!
Oh and you said he's been separated for about a year but his twins are only 14 months and he said that his marriage went downhill after they were born - no shit Sherlock! I'd hazard a guess that his wife was left to do everything and was bloody knackered!!! I don't imagine she was thinking of having a marathon sex session with the selfish arse!
You're only 25. You should be out having fun or spending it with someone who values you and your boundaries. I don't think this one is for you.

Gosh, it’s a tale as old as time isn’t it. The asshole husband ups and leaves the poor wife as she struggles with not one but two newborn babies, he’s obsessed with porn and she’s not ‘putting out’ enough and he doesn’t want to ‘waste his life’. She’s drowning in nappies and feeding and sleep deprivation and he can’t seem to figure out why she doesn’t want to have sex with him when he never lifts a finger to help her. So he moves in with his mum and promptly starts bar hopping and finds a new bit of stuff, 10 years younger, to practise his porn star moves on. OP’s presence in his life probably makes his wife feel like absolute shit. I wonder how she would feel if she could read this thread. If she knew that actually he wasn’t having this relived youth with some hot young woman but actually said hot young woman was hating it but just had shit boundaries cause she’s young. I wonder how often this is actually the case. It’s really interesting.
OP - I have to agree with everyone else here - cut and RUN! You are a 25yo woman, please believe me when I say you could have your pick of unattached, baggage-free men. Even aside from the sex thing (which is a massive red flag, good men know how to treat women by the age of 35, they don’t need taught) WHY would you want to sign up for a life of being a stepmum, a second wife? Why choose a worse, harder life when you don’t have to? And for a sub-par guy??

@Dibilnik
I agree with the majority of what you are saying, however, being assertive and verbalising what you like or dislike or your boundaries is not about trying to educate other people. It's simply saying what you will or will not tolerate.

It's a skill that you need to hone in life to stop CFs taking advantage.

@DixonD please leave your husband, that it utterly unacceptable
How often do you ask him to put up with something you're doing that hurts him, because you like it? Can you imagine yourself saying "Shush, just a bit longer"?!

Also this. Didn’t want to sidetrack the thread, but dear god your post was one of the saddest, most awful things I’ve read on here, @DixonD. The thought of intimacy with a person who is supposed to love you should not make you cry, or summon memories of pain, degradation and being used. This is not what a happy and healthy marriage looks or feels like 💐

Bin him. Please get some help and work on your own self esteem

This post has made me feel really upset as it reminds me of an ex who had no consideration for my feelings in bed he was very pushy, treated me like a sex doll. I used to wake up and he would be having sex with me. He used to find me irritating if I didn't want to go on top or get into positions that weren't comfortable. I could go on. I feel so angry that I didn't vocalise how I felt at the time I think because I had low self esteem I was happy for an older guy to be giving me attention (I was only 16 when I got with him). I stayed with him for YEARS! Get rid of him. I now realise sex is about having a connection and exploring each other's bodies and it is nothing like porn star sex.

You’re 25. He’s 35 and addled by porn and using your body for a really posh wank. That’s it. It’s all about him.

Just ditch this guy. He’s no good at all.

Snd this whole ‘I can carry on’ business, has he taken something??

Hours?!? HOURS?!?

Sounds fun but in reality god no!!! 😂 15/20 mins penetration is plenty, absolutely plenty.

Tbh I don't think you could come back from this if you wanted too now, but be sounds bloody awful and I'd dump him. But I would tell him exactly why as he may have got himself into thinking the longer he lasts the more women like it - it might help the next poor soul if you tell him plainly most of us don't want to be posable sex dolls for hours.

I understand, and am not trying to undermine, the importance of assertiveness skills. I just think they are as irrelevant to this situation as trying to work out whether he enjoyed brutalising OP or not.

For various reasons, some of us find assertiveness skills very very very hard to act out in real life, especially in/after situations like this.

The main thing is to avoid putting ourselves anywhere near that situation/person again, just as we learn not to put our hand in a flame.

Normally I'd say, if you're old enough to have sex, then you're old enough to talk about it. But this feels different, he sees sex as violating the woman for his own gratification. I think he must have popped some viagra, to go that long! I would have hated that, being pushed and pulled into weird positions for him. It should be gentle and mutually beneficial, with lots of check ins. He's got a real perverted side. Honestly I'd throw him back into the sea, you deserve someone much better, and you know it. Just say you're not sexually compatible. You know it feels wrong.

Approach him to ask him if he's watched porn. Suggest to him that pornography is not about feelings, it's just SEX and you prefer a loving relationship with him and not feel like you're in a movie. Let him know how you'd like to be treated. Maybe he thinks you liked how he treated you if you don't let him know otherwise. He seems like he's trying to impress. Good luck.

This is so very inconsiderate I would just get rid of him.

You are 25, you do not need a 35 year old divorcee treating you like a sex worker (who would charge overtime for this BTW).

If you want to do him a favour tell him via text that he needs to behave better in bed - women aren’t there to be used.

Before you go into another relationship, you also need to sort out your assertiveness and self esteem. If you are having sex with someone, you need to be able to talk about it in a direct way - sex is how we communicate. The fact you were wondering if you should talk to him about it in a flirty way is just way off the mark.

Until you have really gained some confidence in yourself, I’d also stick to men your own age. Age tends to bring confidence so you really need to be able to advocate for yourself if you have an older partner.

He sounds like a user. Are you wealthy op? I guess the sense that you might be if you have a place on your own at 25 and only work part time. That will be attractive to a lot of shady guys so watch yourself.

I really think there is absolutely no point in talking things over with him, getting false promises from him and ending up in exactly the same position later on.

He has shown you who he is. He is someone who is steeped in porn, cares absolutely nothing about your satisfaction, breaks down your boundaries and actually cares nothing for you.

Seriously, you cannot cure this man. You cannot change what he wants to do in bed. You cannot make him care for you. You cannot make him put you first ever.

All I would say is you sound lovely. He doesn’t at all. End up, he won’t change.

Only read your posts @PinkPanther98 but if he has left his ex when the twins were 2 months old, then he is a twat and needs avoiding at all cost.
id even say I doubt his ex was controlling but rather he didn’t like to be told to buckle up to be able to cope with looking after a set of twins.

Then what PP have said.
It’s not you. It’s him, his use if porn and the fact he didn’t see you as a person to have sex WITH to someone to make sex TO.
Because let’s be honest, I doubt there was any ‘enthusiastic enjoyment’ in your side if you have been feeling used like this.

And yes you could have told him to stop etc…. I think as women we’ve been conditioned to keep men happy. That if we don’t like X and Y when having sex it’s because we are ‘frigid’, too uptight etc….
But the reality is this who he is. If you had asserted your boundaries, he’d still have been the guy who watches too much porn and expects to be put first in what he likes to do. He still wouldn’t be a person who respects you as a person. None of things he had shown you, his real persona, would actually have changed.

As you said, have a break, get things in order in your own head. And please find someone who will treat you right. With respect and care.

He’s been separated from his wife around a year and his twins are 14 months old. This alone screams to me that he is a shitty shitty man. He walked out on his wife to leave her alone with roughly 8 week old twin newborn babies and also a six year old 😭🤬 This says everything about his character. Yes it’s going to be bloody hard work and exhausting with newborn twins and there will be very little time for the couple to nurture their relationship. Instead of staying and working through the hard sleep deprived stage, being a support to his wife………. waiting it out until the twins were a little older and putting in the hard graft to get the relationship back on track. Nope he buggered off to his mums and left his wife on her own with newborn twins and is now walking around swinging his dick thinking he’s a pornstar with a girlfriend 10 years younger than him!

This man is no prize. He is a selfish cunt. His poor wife. And poor you. Get out now, and fast.