Boyfriend has left me while I'm helping family in hospital

[LavenderFlowers]

I have read Mumsnet for a long time but posting for the first time. Hopefully my post makes sense. I don't want to tell family or friends yet as it's not the time.

Last week my Dad was taken into hospital, he's had early dementia for two years. Hospital says he has an infection that has spread, crucially to his heart. We have since been called to say goodbye in the middle of the night but two days later he is still hanging on. He's sedated for now to give his body a break. We've been taking turns as a family sitting with him. It's tiring but we're looking after each other.

The past few days my boyfriend (of almost two years) has been acting off. I was messaging him about random life, telling him I need distraction but he was cold. I dragged it out of him that he's been talking to his friends about how he wants to leave me. He said it's 'too much' for him right now. I was really hurt he spoke to his friends rather than being upfront with me. We're in our early 30s, we're not kids.

I was so upset. I rang him in floods of tears, he cried too. I then asked him would he stay at mine last night as I didn't want to be alone if I got a bad call during the night but he said he needed to 'mind his head' and it wouldn't be good to share a space. I've stopped replying to him and he's sending messages.

I needed to share it with Mumsnet as I'm so lost. I have been sitting in ICU trying to concentrate on my family and now I'm distracted by him. His Dad had a heart attack last year and I was there for his whole family. I know if I tell my family they will be very angry on my behalf and I'm not ready for that yet.

Great news so far about your dad :-)

That's wonderful news about your dad OP.
As for the messages from your ex ... gosh, he really is the centre of his own little universe isn't he? Stay strong and remember that this is the man who chose to walk away when you needed him the most.

The shock of losing you has motivated him to make these pleas, if he gets you back the motivational will be gone so will he just revert to his old ways?

He didn’t exactly lose OP though? He dropped her and it shouldn’t be much of a shock considering it was his decision. I do agree he will go back to his old ways if he gets back with her. And if he tries to get back with Op he will time it neatly so it’s when (he thinks) she’s not grieving or struggling emotionally.

Honestly, it all reads as a therapy session. I'm trying my very best to not empathise/worry about him

OP, I’ve found The best way to deal with users like that is to return their “woe is me “ texts with an outpouring of whatever unhappiness, grief or stress you’re dealing with . Centre yourself in the conversation the way they do.

You’ll soon find they don’t text you anymore because they don’t want you to lean on them like they do you. And this will be the reminder you need that they don’t care about you and only see you as a support human /therapist.

If he had an ounce of empathy, regret, even respect for you, he wouldn't be sending messages like that to you at this time. No decent person would.

With everything you have going on with your parents, he wants you to feel bad for him.
Just let that sink in.

So glad to hear your dad's surgery was successful. 🤩

He’s completely self-absorbed. Your Dad is seriously unwell and he’s moaning about how it makes him look?! I knew someone who experienced this - her Mum died and her in law had a ‘breakdown’ because the death of friend’s Mum made them think of their own mortality 🙄

Block him on everything - phone, email, WhatsApp, social media and ask your family to do that too.

Sorry I meant to say I’m so glad your Dad’s surgery was successful 💐all the best for his recovery from it.

That’s the crux - doesn’t give a shit about your or your dad but how he looks to others and them judging him - what did he expect?!

Great news about your dad. You must be relieved.

As for your ex... what a selfish, self centred prick. DO NOT waste an ounce of energy feeling sorry for him or worrying about him. He's a big boy, he can sort himself out. Prick!

Absolutely I find this ridiculous! Is there something wrong with him? Genuinely?

I’m pleased about your dad, hope you able to look after yourself during this horrible time. Drink eat and sleep as much as u can manage xx

as for his messages, it’s quite revolting how self obsessed he is. I know that it is hard for yOu to see As u are still in the thick of it with him. My ex was exactly liner his and like an machine I poured so much energy and kindness into him like a bloody yak and now after months and months since we parted can I see not only how weak he was but also so selfish and blinkered to his selfishness… to be able to keep being like that without any shame at all.
u deserve an equal and this is your chance to remove yourself from him before he drags u diwn. U would have struggled to finish with him and he’s fine that for u. Stay strong and put off that meet up/chat as long as u possibly can do u can go into string and without blinkers xx

Great news about your Dad
💐

No more evidence is needed that you have been dating some kind narcissist. These people can’t ever change. Run a mile.

Ok the anger has hit.

I was elated about my Dads news. My ex rang a friend of mine and begged me to ring just for five minutes. I agreed, thinking I'm just happy about my Dad so it won't bother me. I'll tell him to stop contacting me and I'll have closure.

As soon as I heard his voice I felt horrible. I ended up very quickly saying 'I have to go'. All I want to do right now is send him angry messages explaining how he hurt me and how I can't believe he has done this. He said on the phone 'you were so good when my Dad was sick so now I want to be there for you'. I'm fuming.

Be there for you...

He couldn't be any less there for you if he tried.

That anger won't always be there but it's part of the process. . The shock has probably started to lessen and now you will be left with your true feelings towards him. Write down those bad feelings or come on here if you need to vent.

Be there for you?? He bailed as soon as he thought it was going to be hard for him and he wasn't the centre of your attention.

Unbelievable. No wonder you're angry.

You are doing this to yourself, just cut contact and move on, is it because you like the attention? it is getting weird

F** that! Tell him to F off and never bother you again. He made his bed so he can lie in it now.

He tried to hurt you and detract attention away from your seriously ill father.

Never ever phone him again. Tell all your friends and family to block him and if they don’t, that they should not pass on any messages to you.

He’s appalling.

‘SO now’ he wants to be there for you?!

The implication being if you hadn’t been there for him with HIS dad he wouldn’t need to bother supporting you at all, despite being, you know, your BF/DP!!!

It’s so clear that the only reason he’s desperate to make contact with you is because he’s scrambling for damage control.

He clearly enjoyed his role as being the damaged/vulnerable one in your relationship and the leeway and attention that brought. The second that dynamic changed and your dad/you were the ‘victim’ in need of sympathy and care he was off like a shot wasn’t he.

The only reason he is urgently trying to speak with you is obviously bc it has finally dawned on him what a fuckwit he has made himself look by his cold and selfish actions or one of the friends he sought out for sympathy/to back him up has pointed out some home truths. How dare he dump you when you needed him most then pretend he is really concerned with your dad’s welfare, contacting those closest to you so they see him as a caring person and can add pressure on you to seal work him, when you’ve made it clear you don’t want to! That’s really showing respect and consideration to your wishes isn’t it.

It’s horrible to hear this person doesn’t care about you in the least, but if it’s any consolation he clearly doesn’t care about anyone but himself. I’m sure his dads heart attack soon became all about him, and how it was affecting him directly.

Imagine what he’d be like with poorly kids, if other members of your family got ill, or if you became unwell further down the line. The only good that has come out of this situation is saving your future self all the grief and heartache this utter twat would have inevitably brought to your door.

Well done on finding your anger, OP, now let it burn in his direction til he’s well and truly out of the picture.

He’d clearly like everyone to think so.

You're still stuck in the cycle of him playing the victim and reeling you back in. He discarded you when you needed him and now he'll do all he can to get you back.

Next time you'll have even less resolve to leave him because you forgave him this time.
It's a form of abuse, you forgive him little things because he was treated badly and doesn't understand how to behave properly, and you feel empathy for him and try to show him more love and model decency, his behaviour ramps up over time.

Send him a message telling him not to contact you or your family or friends again. Save it and if he continues contact the police. He uses your empathy as a hold over you, don't let it continue.

You’d probably be hesitant to do this but if he persists in trying to contact you he can be charged with harassment. If you’ve told him not to contact you and he continues and it is making you anxious/affecting your MH the police take it very seriously, you are very vulnerable in your situation with what is happening in your family. They will contact him to tell him to stop and if he were to contact you again they would take action.

You may not want to go down this road but if he persists I would tell him you will contact the police and I doubt you will hear from him again.

I would unblock him once, say “it’s not all about you mate. Got the little matter of my dad to prioritise here. Don’t contact me, my family or my friends again, EVER.” And then block him again, on every platform and every device and ask your family to do the same.

He’s a weak, selfish prick and he’s trying to play mind games with you. Cut him off at the knees.

Yes, cut him off completely now OP. He's realised how terrible his behaviour looks and is backtracking massively.