Boyfriend has left me while I'm helping family in hospital

[LavenderFlowers]

I have read Mumsnet for a long time but posting for the first time. Hopefully my post makes sense. I don't want to tell family or friends yet as it's not the time.

Last week my Dad was taken into hospital, he's had early dementia for two years. Hospital says he has an infection that has spread, crucially to his heart. We have since been called to say goodbye in the middle of the night but two days later he is still hanging on. He's sedated for now to give his body a break. We've been taking turns as a family sitting with him. It's tiring but we're looking after each other.

The past few days my boyfriend (of almost two years) has been acting off. I was messaging him about random life, telling him I need distraction but he was cold. I dragged it out of him that he's been talking to his friends about how he wants to leave me. He said it's 'too much' for him right now. I was really hurt he spoke to his friends rather than being upfront with me. We're in our early 30s, we're not kids.

I was so upset. I rang him in floods of tears, he cried too. I then asked him would he stay at mine last night as I didn't want to be alone if I got a bad call during the night but he said he needed to 'mind his head' and it wouldn't be good to share a space. I've stopped replying to him and he's sending messages.

I needed to share it with Mumsnet as I'm so lost. I have been sitting in ICU trying to concentrate on my family and now I'm distracted by him. His Dad had a heart attack last year and I was there for his whole family. I know if I tell my family they will be very angry on my behalf and I'm not ready for that yet.

This is heartbreaking. He's either a selfish bastard or as flaky as fuck - possibly both. In any event, he let you down unforgiveably at the worst possible time. And to contact your mum like that, what an absolute snake. Please don't let him back in. He doesn't deserve anything other than contempt and you deserve so much better.

Hope your dad's surgery goes well when he's strong enough and that things start looking brighter for you soon x

OP, I feel for you. My boyfriend dumped me when my father unexpectedly died of a heart attack, many years ago. I was doubly devastated.

A week or two later bf got back in touch as if nothing had happened, and managed to convince me I had misunderstood and he hadn’t dumped me. In reality, I think, he didn’t want a grieving girlfriend, but as long as I didn’t mope around I’d do till something better turned up. A few months later, when he had started a new relationship, he dumped me again. I was then overwhelmed by all the grief for my father that I had been bottling up.

Now, I thank god that bf got out of my life. But at the time he made a painful time very much worse.

Please don’t let this weak and unreliable man mess with your head, OP. Rely on your real friends and family. I hope they’re supporting you. And I hope your father makes a good recovery. Xx

My Mum has actually never had much love for him from the start. I would had previously said that was overly critical but I may have to rethink that 😯

He still seems to be making it all about him.

Agreed

He’s sounding like he’s feeling guilty for his previous response and maybe had some negative feedback from friends who are different to the sympathetic one/s he mentioned earlier. He also sounds like he’s more concerned with how he’s perceived by your family than you and doesn’t want them to think he’s the selfish twat he is .

He was probably banking on the fact that when the crisis is over he couldcome back to you and you would take him back gratefully, having avoided all the bother, upset and rigmarole of his gf’s emotional situation.

Luckily for you he’s shown how he deals with other ppl (who are meant to be important to him)’s crises

🗑️

Why do you need an explanation? What could he possibly say that would be a reason for his behaviour other than He can't be there for you when you need him?
I can't see how you can go forward with this relationship, he's shown you how he deals with issues that cause him some inconvenience, and he bails out.

How would this work long term? If you had kids? if you had some of the normal ups and downs that life can throw at you? Like job loss or illness.

You were there for him and by the sounds of it have been supportive and understanding and the first time you needed him to step up to the plate, he was gone.

Why arent you furious? Why are you looking for excuses for him? Are you really willing to accept the uncertainty of never knowing he has your back when life throws a problem at you?

I know you might feel like you have invested 2 years in him so it's hard to think about starting again. But this guy isn't relationship material. Hes a self-centered prick who only thinks of himself. that's a life time of misery right there.

Firstly @reesewithoutaspoon I love your profile name! I am actively trying to be furious and maybe it's the shock of the past week (or maybe I'm just people pleasing) but I can't get to furious yet

So what are you planning to do OP?
I'm not getting the sense you've finished with him. You keep saying it's hard to be angry, which is fair enough and you don't need to be, but what is your intention?

You've had lots of really solid and sensible considered advice and, although none of us know your bf /ex-bf, the general consensus is that these qualities may not bode well for a stable and secure future..

I have to walk away. I simply have to but as I'm in the middle of hospital stuff I'm finding it hard to tell him to get lost? I'm not the type to tell a person to get lost. He's blocked on everything I can think of for now.

I'm mostly just really shellshocked by his behaviour. I never thought he'd behave like this.

I've spent a lot of the past two years helping him with his family past and his victim mentality, but I never realised it would show itself during a time like this.

You’ve done right just blocking. There is no explanation needed. He can work it out for himself.

Tell your family to either block or not respond.

Focus on your family and you. Do some nice things for yourself. Look for the people who have showed up for you and spend more time with them going forward.
💐

If you really don't want him you contact you again, tell him that and that further contact will be considered harassment. Women let men get away with too much. How dare he throw in that he wants to be better for you.

Thinking of you op 💐 what a totally shit he is!
Thank goodness you are not married to him and have children with him, you would never be sure he would step up in a crisis.
Get you family to block him also. He is not helping you or any of your family and certainly doesn't deserve updates.

Your relationship was completely one sided. I’m sorry to say it sounds like you wasted your time trying to help him. He’s not a better person for it and won’t reciprocate when you need him. He obviously feels he is the most important person in this relationship and the fact he’s contacted your mum means he knew he was onto a good thing with you and wants you to keep focusing on him, even while your dad should be your main concern. He sounds awful.

Yes, he’s giving the illusion he gives a shit while being totally unavailable to support OP. Mind games. Control. Get all your family to block.

The way you are posting makes me think never would be a right time for you, if he asked permsission 'I want to break up with you when would be a good time' it would still be wrong

It is better he pity's you are stays with you because you can say 'look what I did for you' humans dont work that, he will be the enemy no matter what he does, but of he is so bad as yu make out why on earth would you want to be with him?

that he finds himself envious of my close friends/family

Think about this OP, and get very angry. This man is disgusting. Your dad is seriously ill and he’s finding himself envious of you? I am estranged from my deadbeat father but when my friends who are close to their father have lost their Dads or they fell ill, I didn’t feel “envious”. I felt gutted for my friends. The fact your ex-partner isn’t just heartbroken for you and striving to help you is shocking.

Totally agree with most other posters. This was a one sided relationship with a self absorbed, selfish user who was happy to have you support him through his pain and unloading his past trauma, but now wants to do a vanishing act while you’re struggling?!

By the sounds of his latest messages he wants to keep the door open so he can re-enter your life when you are over this storm. Make sure you don’t give him access and be clear to him now that the door is locked and closed.

Some pp have mentioned trauma dumping etc and I do get that’s a thing and I’ve had to distance myself from certain friends who did that to me, but it doesn’t apply here.

Someone’s family being seriously sick and them crying and basically having normal reactions to that, and expressing it to their partner of 2 years isn’t trauma dumping.

By the sounds of it, he’s been the one who has been offloading about his past for the last couple of years and leaning on her when his family was sick.

You can’t use someone as an emotional crutch then turn around and say you need to get space for your mental health the moment you need a bit of support.

Interestingly enough I’ve noticed the people who trauma dump or lean heavily on others are the first to dip out when they are called upon to reciprocate. This man is a classic example of that.

Im goad youve finally blocked him on everything. He has wasted two years of your life already. He is a selfish man and he isnt just his own number one, he is all the numbers.

OP you sound like a lovely and very empathetic person. He's clearly trying to keep the door open. Given your professional background and the support you've provided him with previously, I think there's a risk you may go down the route of trying to 'understand' and rationalise his behaviour. Please don't!

He broke up with you at one of the worst times in your life. At a time when he could and should have kept his mouth shut and support you, he's chosen to centre himself and make it all about him. And then he's kept himself centred by ignoring your boundaries (blocking him) and contacting you and your family and sending you essays about his feelings! This is such selfish, self-centred, narcissistic behaviour. He's shown he has zero empathy or compassion for you and your mental health.

I say all of this as someone who was dumped by their partner of 5 years, 2 weeks after my mum died. We had a similarly one-sided relationship, where I was his supporter and therapist. He also had a 'difficult' background and I'd been way too understanding of that as an excuse for shitty behaviour. Oh and he also wanted to keep the door open and have indulgent conversations about his feelings, all whilst I was supporting my dad and planning mum's funeral.

What I would advise is don't bother looking for reasons and answers from him, because at the end of the day the 'why' doesn't matter. What does matter is his behaviour is toxic to you. That's closure in itself and enough reason to walk away and stay away.

Ohhh if he’s like this, it explains a lot. My XH used to hate it when I was ill because it took attention off him! Unfortunately if he’s got a victim mentality, he will hate you being at the hospital focused on someone else.
You’ve done well to just block him. You may not have the energy to get angry yet. That’s fine. Keep focused on your family.

I hope you find your anger I really do, because at the moment it sounds like when things calm down a bit you would want to hear his excuses for his behaviour and try to understand where he's coming from.
That way madness lies.
You come across as caring and supportive, like you want to see the best in people, but that leads to him taking advantage of your caring nature to worm his way back in
Focus on your dad and family, who will support you.
I'm sure he will make excuses like he panicked or it triggered him, or some other garbage.
The crux of the matter is though, that when you need him, he won't be there, because it's all about him.

So he's acknowledging that he's not as good of a person as he ought to be. He says he wants to change and he may genuinely want to. The question is, does he want to enough to put in the actual effort?
The shock of losing you has motivated him to make these pleas, if he gets you back the motivational will be gone so will he just revert to his old ways?

It's all about him isn't it. Even now when he could again be supporting you through your Dad's operation, its STILL about him and his pity party!

The cheek of him telling your Mother to ask if she needs anything.....while at the same time leaving you high and dry.

Thanks again for the nice people responding. Mumsnet has given some solace while in hospital. My Dad had surgery yesterday and he has pulled through. Still a long road but he's fighting beyond belief.

I read through the 17 (yes, 17) text messages my ex sent over the past few days before being blocked. He keeps mentioning that he's 'not equipped'. Also 'I have screwed up and everyone can see it. Everyone is looking at me knowing now I don't have my shit together'. Honestly, it all reads as a therapy session. I'm trying my very best to not empathise/worry about him.