Dating thread 245

[SamW98]

Continued from 244….

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Hi so I met a nice guy on Saturday; but quiet and we are too different.
In the evening, I met a much more confident, man about town type. We met just for a drink. There were a few things he said that I just found weren't for me, he was very close to ex girlfriends and seemed to only mention female friends; I have been there before and don't like that guy who "collects" women. He suggested meeting up again and I said I would message him I thanked him for the evening but said I felt no romance and wished him well- got a right moan about how the place I chose was too loud and the seats uncomfortable - so I take it he didn't like rejection. I also cancelled a date this week as the guy is so bouncy and his adult children and him do lots together, he has been sending messages and photos they are all very extroverted, I explained I felt I wouldn't be comfortable in his world- he sent me such a kind message back thanking me for my honesty.
I am finding it all overwhelming and exhausting.

It sounds like you went on a date with my ex! Thats exactly what he used to do, do they call it triangulation or something like that? Its all a narcissistic tactic to keep you on your toes basically and keep other people dangling for when they are ready to discard you and go back for an ego boost

@Bestlife18 well he was so similar to my ex in many respects, very chivalrous...I really don't want to be with a 55 year old man who sees woman after woman. Also a tell tale sign is when the wives of male friends really don't like him...

I dated a guy who had loads of female friends and I realised pretty quickly that he was very generous with buying drinks and a certain type latched in to him. The same few women would always come over and say hello just as he went up the bar - and he always bought them drinks. It drove me mad but I got shut down if I ever mentioned it was obvious what they were up to.

@Livelifelaughter walk away - have you ever read the book Getting Past Your Breakup, highly recommend

Quite a few guys 50+ in their profiles mention that they have "lots of energy". To me it feels a slightly strange thing to mention(if, say, their profile already indicates they exercise regularly), is it them trying to say they can get it up a few times in a row 😁or do I have a dirty mind?

I think that’s exactly what they mean @RadiantRainbow. And of course even more men in their 50s lie.

I have just found this thread. So nice to read so many relatable stories and questions.

I am after some honest opionions on my situation.

I have been single for almost 4 years and have been dating for about 1 year. I hd the whole lightong bolts experience and realised it was based on his ractics and nothing real. I have since met a few really lovely men but often we don't hit it off properly. I have dated 2 men (mr. Rockstar & mr. Nerd) for 2-3 months (at different times obviously. Neither were that in to me enough that they were prepared to spend enough time together or to take it to the next level. But both were lovely as people and we left it on relatively good terms.

In december I met a new man, Comedy guy. The chat was amazing but the first date was less so for me. He has a really strong accent that I dislike. So I told him I wasn't feeling it. we stayed in touch and saw each other a couple of times.

The last few days I have managed to convince myself that I should give it another chance. He is a lovely man. Not as confident as the other 2 and not as nice-looking either. So basically not as exciting. But maybe that is a good thing? Maybe I should stop going for the men thay are exciting but also unattainable?

Am I mad to consider this? Is the initial chemistry so important or can a person really grow on you?

Help!

@bumblebreath what you are describing doesn't sound that much as being reasonable or realistic, more like reluctantly settling or trying to go against your gut feeling. And that rarely works out well.
The men who you liked more don't sound toxic or that there was toxic mess with your head chemistry, just maybe that they weren't interested enough, but then you do want someone who will really really like you for who you are without needing to be more than you are, so they just weren't your true match.

Things like voices or accents I think are very difficult to overcome, our libido is formed/very influenced before even the age of 7, and there are elements of looks/voices that aren't anything to do with being picky/unconscious racism etc, it's more what more brings up the feeling of safety and familiarity, or the opposite, feeling less safe, and I think it's next to impossible to override.

People definitely can grow on your but normally you can tell from the start if the potential is there.
Also I'd say from previous experience - I had a partially long distance relationship with ex husband who came across absolutely brilliant, sensitive and deep thinking on paper, and turned out to be borderline needing to be sectioned mental once we were living together, so I would always put what they come across like in writing secondary, way secondary to how they come across in real life.
You aren't going to be exchanging notes with him if you are with him. The most important thing that YOU feel good when around him.
I think being excited to see them will give you the motivation to develop the relationship and overcome potential problems which appear in every relationship sooner or later. If you are having to slightly force yourself or talk yourself into it, it's a bit doomed.

Though there is such a thing as finding fault with everyone because actually you are the one who is scared on a deep level of forming a strong attachment to someone, but if you've managed to have relationships in the meantime, even if not very significant, that doesn't sound like it's your case.

Thanks radiant. I do have some attachment issues that I am working on with various forms of therapy.

My therapist advised me to go for a 6 or a 7 (out of ten) instead of a 9 or a 10.

I am looking forward to seeing him again. We've agreed to talk on thursday as I have been given pretty mixed signals. If it turns out that we can connect in talking, then I am hopeful.

He is kind and funny. He is also somewhat insecure. I usually go for really secure men. But obviously without success...

its a really hard balance - I settled with my last relationship that lasted 2 years and he was boring and made me feel ten years older than I actually am. But, it was because I went for the safe bet after being burnt badly by a sociopath who was my 10/10. I ended the boring relationship because it was life sucking!

Oh god, be careful with an insecure man. They can quickly become jealous and controlling, while also making the whole relationship about you making them feel good about themselves.

Guys what apps are you using?
I'm literally getting nowhere. I had 5 matches across tinder and bumble yesterday and not 1 of those people have messaged me back :(

@Bestlife18 thank you! I will read it. The trouble is that with this type of guy they really get into your head..

Bumble and hinge so far - just deleted bumble as horrendous and the couple who accepted to match never replied. Same dross!

@Livelifelaughter they really do and in the book, the author explains how and why they do it. It’s by Susan J Elliott, I’m not sure if it’s still in print but I have kindle edition and there is a sequel called Getting Back Out There that I would also recommend

@Bestlife18 I have had hinge before but deleted as I found nobody ever matched me back 😂 but maybe I should give it a go.
I just want to meet a nice guy 🙈🥴

Hinge was tumbleweed for me. I didn’t get a single match whereas I got loads on bumble.

Where I live (south wales limited pool of potential) it literally is the same faces on both apps. Only one I haven’t tried yet is tinder 🤯

I’m in Essex and believe me the larger pool doesn’t mean the quality any better 🤣

Thank you it's still available. I have found the pattern isn't linear. So I actually feel worse now than a did a few months ago...

I am going to stop OLD for a while. I’ve recently been through a crappy break up which was really traumatic and I think OLD as a way to take my mind off it is not helping and isn’t fair to any potential men I meet as I don’t think I’m in the best place mentally. Also I can’t deal with the games and drama men bring to my life currently, it’s just making me feel worse 😂

So going to pull myself out of this thread for a bit and work on myself. Good luck to you all 👋

I read a post earlier which is so similar to mine after my marriage to narcissistic ex H ended I jumped straight into a relationship with the first safest guy I met. Reliable and not abusive but so so boring and looking back he wasn’t actually very nice to me, I spent so many nights bored out of my brain and trying to be pleasant, the minute I snapped and showed any emotion/demands he completely closed down and wouldn’t speak to me..
I have a date next week but not sure whether to cancel, the guy lives nearly an hour away and I’m scared he’s going to all the trouble of coming to meet me and will be disappointed like I think my last date was..
I’ve exhausted Bumble and Hinge is just throwing up long distance. I’m not feeling hopeful at all

Same 🤣

So interested in thoughts. Had a good conversation etc over a coffee date. But he didn't offer me anything to eat at all, it was afternoon. Also I said I needed a soft drink and he didn't make any gesture to call the waitress over. When I left he said he would stay but didn't say why ? The conversation was nice and he was interesting and has suggested meeting again. I like to feel taken care of on a date, and I am quite old school in that respect. Perhaps he's just not right for me, I do like to feel wooed..