Dating thread 245

[SamW98]

Continued from 244….

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Yeah so that’s reassuring as this guy is allegedly newly divorced so maybe he hasnt been around the old block as much as the rest of the guys! He is meant to be calling me tomorrow evening as I just said I was working in the city til late. Perhaps I need to stop being so cynical!!!!

I am sure you have thought about this already, but maybe saying something like “I know you have a lot going on right now, but I am enjoying our chats and if you would like to meet for a coffee let me know”

or alternatively a video call - although think I read on here that you’re not a fan of those.

fingers crossed this one is different and keeps you interested.

@Bestlife18 are you in the north west by any chance?! I had a guy like this, he didn’t share his number until after we had met. Think I called him Mr Tesla 😂

So I'm just thinking 'out loud' really. I messaged a Match yesterday at around 6pm... Life happened & then I wasn't near my phone for the next 5 hours...

Remembered this match at 11pm, he had sent 5 messages saying hi, how are you etc in the first 2, but the next 3 were all 'Well, are you talking or not?' 'Are you gonna bother to reply?' 'Not saying much for somebody who messaged me first'.

I apologised, told him that this was a one-off bad evening & we had a chat & he seems ok, but I went off for ten minutes & came back to a reply & another one of 'Not interested babe?'

I'm feeling a bit uneasy about those messages. I can see it from his side, he doesn't want me to disappear/be messing him around.

I ended the chat last night with 'I know that I've been a bit on & off but I am interested & I'll be back on tomorrow'. He said 'Thats great babe, I'm really exited about this, speak then'.

I'll see how it goes today, but 'Pop on, pop off' is just my message style really (although there's not usually a 5 hour gap!)

@NervesOfCotton errrrrm nope. Please leave this one well alone
Calling you babe would be enough to put me off never mind the passive aggressive bullshit first messages
Absolute no go .

I think this would be a red flag for me! If he's this needy with messages at such an early stage, it doesn't bode well, and he's clearly quite insecure. I relate, because I get a bit needy with messages too, and a bit anxious when someone takes a while to reply, but not when we've only just matched!

I think I'd be unmatching. I've learned to trust my gut if something doesn't feel quite right.

@NervesOfCotton I have had blokes like that and blocked them straight away. I didn't entertain talking to them again. If he cannot understand that other people might have a life outside of their phone this early on, what will it be like further down the line?!

I've matched with loads of people and never heard back from them again. Yet never sent one single entitied 'WTF' message to any of them. Because I respect that they have whatever valid reason they have to not message me.

@LittleFloatingGhost no I’m in south wales haha! Yeah he has to be the only guy in many attempts of old who hasn’t switched to phone number early doors. I’m supposed to be speaking to him tonight but think I might be 95 before we meet up at this rate 😂

Thank you all Yes I'm leaning to the 'Be very, very wary' tbh. Although I don't mind the calling me babe stuff (long as it's not every message!) But I'm not gonna be tied to Bumble all day.

Will see how it goes...

Yeah, that's done

I messaged him first thing & all was fine, just checked back on there & he's started with the 'Where you gone?' Again.

Unmatched.

Can someone explain the logic? I posted earlier on in the week about a guy I had been messaging online and yet to meet! We'd spoken on the phone and had good communication. He works shifts and hadn't heard from him for a few days! In my head I'm saying 'if he wanted to he would' me being me, I sent a very lighthearted message asking him if he wanted to continue to get to know each other and no hard feelings if not! He replied within the hour apologising and saying his shift work had been insane and he's just been working and sleeping and he'll message properly when he's more awake! That was over a day and a half ago! I know nobody has the answer, but I gave him a get out of jail card! Why couldn't he have just said didn't want to continue? So now I am still non the wiser of his intentions! Rant over! Realise also i sound very naive!

@mumofoneanddone82 you haven't even him yet so I would throw this one back
I'm sorry but I've always thought it doesn't matter how busy someone is it literally takes seconds to send a message
MrNoEffort was like that and it just wasn't for me

mumofoneanddone82 Honestly, I wouldn't bother. We all have lives & stuff going on, but leaving it for days & then just expecting to pick you up again when it suits him, is just not ok. I would imagine that this is just 'What he does', keeping women hanging on, to massage his ego.

@qqq82 @NervesOfCotton thanks ladies! I wouldn't give a shit so much, but just think it's such poor form not to just say 'I don't have time' or make up any bloody excuse! 😂 but on the plus side it's showed he's so shit at communication it's saved me a ball ache in the future! He did say when we first chatted he was 'really picky' (fyi it was his chat I was more interested in than his face) 😂

@mumofoneanddone82 Yeah like other people say it takes 10 seconds to send a text and make things clear. It's not that deep.

I actually really like and need communicative men. It's such an important thing. I have been with someone who kept his feelings to himself and was Stoic, and it's been very hard.

It's just so much easier talking to someone who is willing to talk things through with you. It builds trust and friendship and it saves a lot of headache in the future.

I'm not saying that men who are a bit closed off are not good, just not for me. I like to know where we stand, where we are going, and even if things aren't working, I respect honesty and someone straightforward much more than wishy-washy approach.

@cassiatwenty

Absolutely. Poor communication is a deal breaker for me. I’ll be patient to a certain extent but once I see a pattern of crap messages and conversation I’m out.

@cassiatwenty totally! I dated a guy that was so emotionally intelligent. He wouldn't text all day everyday but he was so effective at communication you never felt bad and you could also ask him honest, direct questions and it was so refreshing. Sadly there wasn't a spark sexually! But he opened my eyes to effective, honest communication in relationships and even in the early days before you've even met! It shouldn't be hard as adults to do this. As awkward as it is, if I've been speaking to someone and no longer want to continue conversation I tell them why. Because I have that respect for someone and their time!

@mumofoneanddone82 I think the whole messaging thing is actually quite hard! Especially when you haven't met yet. I've had the 'No messages for days' blokes that I just give up on. I currently have Mr 'messaging all day every day like he is my best mate' which is just too much for me! At least my best mate knows when I say I'm busy at work, I want to be left the fuck alone! There is a fine line between what is acceptable and what is not. It's also different for everyone. Some people want a lot. Others do not. I still haven't found my own sweet spot yet.

I need to think of a nice way to let my bloke down though. It's not just the frequency of the messages, it's also that there is no attempt to drive the conversation toward getting to know each other and each time I try is met with crickets or tumbleweed.

@Pepsimaxedout you're a wise one! As you said there is no rule of how often people should message and I honestly feel a bit insane saying he hasn't text for a few days! 😂 over the weekend the messages were all the time and voice notes! And yes, I had one of your ones too! It's bloody annoying. I even got a message at midnight saying 'night lovely' which was really sweet but we hadn't spoken for two days! I messaged him today and said I am sorry I've been crap at communication. Life is very busy at the moment and I'm not sure I can give you the attention you're after.' I didn't want to write that message, but thought I can't complain about someone ghosting me if I'm doing exactly the same to someone else!

@mumofoneanddone82 I do not feel wise in all of this! I feel like I am winging it completely! And am ready to give up in all honesty.

Got a message from another bloke today whose profile is full of 'I want love, commitment, blah blah blah'. He looks normal and reasonably attractive. Lives nearby. His third message in he tells me all about his sexual fetish. WTF.

I also had a message from a bloke whose profile looked like he'd copied it from LinkedIn. His main picture looked like a work headshot. His job was first and second world war recreations and his profile was full of pictures of this!

Why oh why do these weirdos find me?! 😭😭😭😭

My mate just shared this to our group chat - thought you’d all appreciate it 🤣

@Pepsimaxedout we can navigate the crap waters together! Sorry late to this thread! What's your age and location? I'm 41, single mum to one living in Hertfordshire! Slim picking haha! Have set my radar as wide as possible!

@Pepsimaxedout Yeah a lot of men are very weirdly sexual on these apps. It's a bit hard to let your guard down not knowing when they will unleash their inner sex fiend.

It's a bit of a challenge isn't it? Having a nice chat and all of a sudden suggestive messages start.

And there is nothing wrong with sex. It's just a lot of women are clearly looking for a relationship, and then some bloke will try to pressure her or suggest ONS trying to "change her mind".

That's why a lot of women can are guarded. I prefer gentle and respectful men tbf.

@Pepsimaxedout

Yeo they can’t help themselves can they.. I’ve had similar- a few chatty message then suddenly a really sexual comment out of the blue. It’s like ‘where did that come from?’

It’s an instant ick for me. Im
not sexting someone I’ve never met. It pretty much shows to me that they’re either only interested in sex or they’re socially inadequate- neither of which appeals