Dating thread 245

[SamW98]

Continued from 244….

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Same as me! This guy explained going through end of divorce, didn’t know what to expect from old, seemed surprised! I wanted to reply with “well when you set a profile up on a dating site what the hell did you expect!” He is messaging but seems terrified!

@SamW98 @Poppyzo brilliant! Fingers crossed for you both 🥰

Just saw a guy on bumble.... "annual leave booked for April 1-10. Where we going ⛱️
CRINGE!!!!!!!!! 🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢

Finger crossed @SamW98

@Poppyzo and @SamW98 great to hear some positive stories, hope all goes well 😊😊😊

I feel bad for this guy because he's clearly aware that most people won't want to be involved but come on...still living in the same house, only broke up 2 months ago, criticising her? Why are you on a dating app looking for a serious relationship???

As far as I can tell now reading all these stories and sort of sensing it might go the same way with my current iron….it didn’t occur to me to go on the apps until I’ve done the work over the heartbreak.

But I had real life friends and family, esp girlfriends, to discuss things with and help me process the heartbreak.

Men often don’t have a great social life to begin with, then lose loads of it when break up with their female partners, and even if they have mates they aren’t likely to discuss emotional stuff with them. What they need is therapy, but instead they go on the apps and become vulnerable and open if they make a connection, feel listened to, supported and validated, and once feel a bit better they realise they aren’t ready for a relationship.

So basically maybe unintentionally they use the women as free therapy. But it’s totally a thing 😞 and women are the ones who get pulled in and then wounded..

@Scrollbreadroll welcome to the thread and good luck on your journey.

@SamW98 That’s promising but agree with you to best proceed with caution.

@Poppyzo 💕

Oh my god I have just had a bloke online basically try to use me as free therapy! I Initially thought we were in a similar boat because we both separated last year. It became clear I'd done the work and was ready to move on but he wasn't ready. He tried to dump a load of his emotional baggage onto me and then I was the bitch because I didn't want to take it on!

I see it a lot in real life too. Why do these men think I have nothing better to do with my life than fixing them?!

@Pepsimaxedout my first date was like this. The man talked about how awful his ex girlfriend was and how much she broke his heart for 90 mins. And then argues with me about whether or not he was ready for a new relationship. 😂

There’s a similar post on another thread saying women more likely to take time to work on themselves before looking for another relationship whereas men just jump straight in repeating same patterns.
Someone said it’s sexist BS but in my experience there’s a lot of truth in it.

That's a wise observation @RadiantRainbow, I never thought of it from that angle.

Its true. Spent 4 years on my own after a 25 year relationship. Guy i went on disastrous date with saturday left long relationship 18 month ago and started dating....18 month ago (shakes head). He said he was 'damaged'...i said have you thought to take a break from dating and working through things.. he said ' no' ....thats it.

@Loubelle70 you'd think after 18 months that he would have done some kind of introspection? Watched a few videos on you tube as a minimum?

@AltheaVestr1t Thanks for bringing up Matthew Hussey, I checked out one of his videos yesterday.

He spoke about how some people try to be accomodating and put their needs last because they are trying to be considerate and keep the conversation going so they keep the spotlight off themselves.

He does say some good things that I never thought about before.

@cassiatwenty @AltheaVestr1t Matthew Hussey is great!

Exactly..i think he was of the mindset of to get over someone get under someone else brigade. He wasn't getting under me.
Not my cup tea at all. He was very full of himself...but tbh i think that was a front. The guy has issues...im not taking that on

@Beenhereonsunday That's an interesting advice, thanks. I agree about endless messaging but at the same time I noticed that when people keep things short and sweet and meet up too quickly, sometimes things are too awkard, like it sets you both on a 'date, performance mode'.

I do like a bit of friendly chat go back and forth because when I'd finally meet a person, there is a friendly vibe and we actually have things to talk about. It's cosy, and not awkard.

I've been asked out message 2 or 3 and I was always a bit 🤐 about it. Because to me that signals that they are looking for a date, any date, and that they were not interested in me, specifically as a person.

Hello ladies! I hope you don't mind if I join this thread! I am looking for some sound advice and think this might be the place. I've been OLD since Summer 2023 four dates with two guys! Stuck to the rules and it's been a pleasant experience. I then matched with a guy a few weeks ago. I wasn't immediately attracted to him, but his messages were great and felt like he genuinely wanted to get to know me. We spoke on the app for about a week and then moved to what's app. The conversation got a little 'hot' but the next day the voice notes were back and it was normal and we were swapping stories and everyday photos and trying to arrange a time to meet. He does shift work and went quiet for over 24 hrs! Then reconnected. He's been on shift over the weekend. I messaged on Sat night to say I had an unexpected free night next week, if he wanted to meet. He read the message whilst at work but I haven't heard anything since (yes he's been on 12 hr night shifts over the weekend so I assume that's the explanation, just frustrating when you see they've been online multiple times and not even a quick response!) I'm 41 and hate that I am feeling like this over a guy I haven't met! Should I just assume he isn't interested and delete and block? Xxx

@mumofoneanddone82

If your free night is at the end of the week and he isn’t sure about his own plans maybe he doesn’t know what to reply. So I would stop messaging but wouldn’t delete and block yet.

However in general if there’s no proactive communication or acknowledgement early on and you are already questioning yourself/things, it’s not a good sign, not someone you could build a good relationship with.

I went on a date last year with a bloke who told me he’d taken a long time out from dating after his engagement broke up and was now ready.
I asked how long ago he split with his fiancée and he said ‘October’ - this was early Feb so he thought 3 months was a long break 🤦‍♀️

@RadiantRainbow thank you for your measured response. He'd mentioned last week that he was free Monday-Wednesday. So I just messaged saying I'm free mon night but appreciated he would have just finished long night shifts so no presssure! Just thought it was a bit rude not reply! But I measure people on my standards haha!

@mumofoneanddone82 I've found that some blokes just want a bit of flirty/sexy chat and to swap a few photos for them to wank over without ever actually wanting to meet in real life. If there is any attempt to sexy chat before we meet, I block them. Personally I would walk away from this one.

@Pepsimaxedout haha yes! Fine with that just don't pepper it with all the bullshit of being a good guy, with good morals.... and romancing it! I sometimes to chat to guys I don't plan to meet but I don't voice note, wax lyrical about my amazing qualities 😂😂 thanks for making me laugh and taking me out of my head and for seeing it for what it is ❤️

So it was about tonight and he still hasn’t replied?
That is rude then even if he is uninterested, in this case I would block and delete.