Dating thread 245

[SamW98]

Continued from 244….

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I've gone back on Tinder. I'd muted it since last week's 3rd date with Mr Pan.

Since our third date last Sunday, during which we had a first kiss and I mentioned that I like to stay connected during the week, even if we don't see each other, I've received one unprompted text from him, and he replied to my text. There's been no suggestion of going out this week, though he mentioned arranging a 4th date at our 3rd, and I dropped some hints in our 2 text conversations.

Things really shouldn't be this tricky at this stage, and it's messing with my head, as I'm feeling an anxiety that I'm not used to, so best I get back online looking for someone else.

It's a shame as he's the first man I've really liked AND been attracted to since I officially started looking last summer, and since I finished with my EXDP nearly 3 years ago.

Oh I'm so sorry :(
Would you text him and just ask him how he's feeling etc or you ready to let it go?

Thanks @blacksocks33.

I'm not particularly keen on chasing him, as on our first date we casually discussed other dates, so I'm aware he's been/going on a couple of others.

Also the only man I've ever done more of the running/leading was with my EXDP and that didn't end well lol so I don't really want to do it again.

Think I have to chalk this one up and move on.

Which sites are you using @blacksocks33?

Hi all! I've got quite a few questions to ask about the current dating scene due to my personal circumstances. Would I be best placed to ask them here (I don't want to threadjack) or should I start a new thread?

Thanks @NervesOfCotton yes it is.
Shocked is the word I think I would use for how I am feeling right now!
Last night we were chatting about going somewhere together in May and arranging to meet up Saturday at 12, this morning we text back and forth a few times then 11 minutes after a text I sent him saying have a good afternoon I got that text through.
Very confused right now. But I gave done through far worse than this before and will be fine after I take a day or two to lick my wounds.

@blacksocks33 I did reply and (rightly or wrongly) told him that I thought he was self sabotaging (he has told me he has a history of it) and that I thought that we had something special that we could text and talk as much as we did and it would be a shame to throw it away. I told him to text me in a couple of weeks once he has had a good think...though I doubt I will ever hear from him again

Thanks for all your advice everyone I have archived his messages on WhatsApp so they aren't looking at me the whole time and will definitely consider blocking.

Ask away - we’ll try and answer what we can

I’m new to this thread but not new to online dating. I have been on plenty of dates, but so many men flake before a date. I have a couple of prospects at the moment, ideally I’m looking for a long term FWB because I don’t want to introduce them to my kids etc. Got chatting to someone tonight and this was his third message (his profile says that he’s banned from buffets)
So the fact that he revels in not being able to control himself and act appropriately is meant to turn me on?!

Following!

@SamW98 Thanks, so essentially after splitting from my partner (who I've known since my uni days), and now in my late thirties I am finding myself having to enter the dating scene (something I didn't think would happen), and the idea that I will just meet someone naturally just hasn't happened (plus the effects of covid lockdowns have made me more isolated with WFH etc).

I am really not keen on the idea of online dating (reading comments here makes it sound even worse than I imagined). Joining some social groups would be a good idea (but I've no idea where to look as locally they seem to be focused on retired people). So I'm inclined to something like speed dating, but that is another unknown to me.

Some advice would be appreciated.

Ahhh, I think you did the right thing!
I think it's easy for us to think everything is a red flag, but what he's saying could be genuine and at least he's told you instead of just ghosting you!
I always archive my dating WhatsApps, it helps doesn't it 🙈

I hope that in the next few weeks you too can work out if you want to deal with this situation ❤️

Hope you're ok lovely x

Thanks @blacksocks33 I go away on holiday in a couple of weeks for a week which he knew about.
If he wants to get back in touch he has an easy opening text of how was your holiday...I come home on his son's birthday so an easy date for him to remember.
If he hasn't messaged by a couple of days after I will block and delete.
I honestly do think he is being genuine, if he was just stringing me along I think he would have waited until we had seen each other today and then messaged next week (it was made very clear by both of us that the reason we were meeting today was to sleep together)
I'm ok, having to stop myself sending random shit to him like we have done for the past 7 weeks but it definitely helps having the message archived and not being able to see it!

@NowStartingOver Online dating doesn't have to be your only option. Think of it as another option. Are there hiking groups avalible in your area? Volunteering?

We all encounter similar issues whilst dating online. If you go into it expecting it to be a smooth ride, you're gonna be disappointed. If you expect it to be very hard and stressful at times, you won't be disappointed.

But that's why this thread is here. We laugh and encourage and support each other because it's not easy.

Also, if you live in a big city, you're going to have more options. If you live in a small town, you're not going to have a lot of options. It's really not fair, it's just how it is.

However, there are some decent men out there, as well as sex pests. Some people found found good partners and dates, and posted about it on here.

If you do decide to try out OLD, make your MH a priority because apps can get stressful and addictive. You're gonna need breaks once in a while to stay sane.

I hope this helps a bit.

So similar to what happened to me, again! Mine also sent a lovely message but it’s not enough IMO. I pressed him further and he said he was anxious around relationships etc and apologised for getting to know me while not having himself together. Well, don’t be OLD then looking for a relationship!! Either a BS excuse or they’re using OLD as they’re lonely but not willing to put in the effort etc. Disrespectful either way.

I gave myself 45 days not to contact him. I actually got completely over him during that time. And guess what? He messaged on the 46th day. Er, not interested

Can’t across this thread by chance and felt I had to make a comment.

I met my now husband on Bumble 5 years ago. I’d been single for a long time and was really starting to think it wouldn’t happen for me. The difference with him was that it was easy. There was no second guessing if he was keen. He is an amazing man and we now have a 2 year old daughter to complete us.

Some tips I learned was-
Delete profile and start again as it might connect you with someone that you previously dismissed.
Don’t wait too long to meet as you end up building up an idea of this person in your head that probably isn’t true.
If they ghost you before even meeting take it as a positive that you’ve learned early that it won’t work.
It takes 2 to make a bad date. Don’t take it personally.
Watch dating gurus for advice. It can be cheesy but I learned a lot.

Good luck!

@2anddone so sorry to hear this, it's very disappointing. At least he sent a thoughtful message. But I agree, archiving is the way to go. In a few days you will stop thinking about him - and then all of a sudden you'll realise a few days have gone by without thinking of him once!

@NowStartingOver buckle up! Good advice from @cassiatwenty . My experience has been mostly positive and I've made friends along the way. My problem is I'm finding it hard to find someone I'm attracted to. One chat Mr Wildlife went on holiday and I'm not sure he's ever coming back, haven't met in person yet. Mr Bohemian I've met and is the most exciting but am still not 100% and he travels a lot. Had a weird new chat last night - I liked the photo of a guy without a profile picture (I recognised the place), he responded with his insta and was not bad- looking at all, so not sure what that was all about. But too young and just cagey responses - so not continuing. In the meantime I have a weekend of stuff with friends so a mini-holiday from Bumble and Hinge 😂

@Chocolatefreak he was probably in a relationship and looking to cheat? Either that or very embarrassed about using OLD. Lots of men still seem to be and I don't really get it. It's so common and completely normal!

I live in a town that has over 30,000 but as far as I can see all of the groups are aimed at retired people, and it is a bit of a stereotype about the area.

Are there any decent websites that advertise these sort of activities? Sites like EventBrite don't seem particularly great. Match.com used to do events, but these seem non-existent now.

You might be better off in a pub watching football/rugby/whatever

Exactly the same for me, I don’t know why. Bumble was fine, Hinge was tumbleweed.

It's been an intense week for me. I struggle not to invest too soon, which is something that I'm working on. A guy that I really like and have been chatting to for a couple of weeks has been stringing me along, it turns out, and has met someone else in the meantime. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I have another chat going with someone else who is great but practically too far away. Four weeks ago I was love bombed and then ghosted by another man who I caught the feels for. It's very frustrating. My subscription expires in four weeks and I'll be taking a break then, it's all a bit much.

I've been watching Matthew Hussey on YouTube, some very helpful advice there.

@2anddone im so sorry to read your update, it’s gutting when you’ve invested your time and dared to feel positive about it.

I don’t know if I gave my January guy a name, but essentially there was a guy I had a spontaneous and perfect week with in January who said he wasn’t sure I was done with my ex (I was) and he really liked me and it was making him anxious and he couldn’t carry on.

so I’ve spent the last two months trying to get him out of my head, working out what it was that had got to me so much- it obviously wasn’t him, but I felt so peaceful inside with him, so I’ve been focusing on finding that by myself.

last week I went back on the apps with the aim of a date for Friday. Several matches lined up. I see him, swipe right on him, would you believe he re-matches. I ask him what his game is, says there’s no game. Bit of back and forth and I ask if we can start again, he says yes. Then nothing. NOTHING!

24 hours later I pull up my big girl pants and ask him to meet me for a date on Friday.

NOTHING. Again. This is a guy who in January was incredibly vulnerable sharing some awful experiences with me, was very relaxed and affectionate and showed absolutely zero red flags.

I’ve arranged a date next Friday with someone else but honestly… there’s no making sense of them, is there? Why can’t they just be honest?

Sorry to hear similar has happened to you @Treezylover
I will admit I was guilty to investing quite quickly though from day one we could chat for hours on the phone and talk about absolutely everything. My guy was also coming across as very vulnerable and talked about all different things that had happened in his life and childhood.
Still can't work out why the sudden 180 my friends think he might have freaked out by how it went both got so invested so quickly.
I am off the apps at the moment as go away in a couple of weeks but planning on going back on them when I get home but this time will be much much more guarded.
Honestly did think it was going so well and I will admit it's totally knocked me for 6!
Heart still leaping now everytime my phone beeps...and I know it's not him so I don't know why it's going that!