Dating thread 245

[SamW98]

Continued from 244….

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Sounds familiar. Its dire, Like pulling teeth.I messaged one on Bumble earlier asked a couple of basic questions mentioned we live pretty close and his reply - ‘hi gorgeous’

How can having a back and forth chat be this hard?

@Bestlife18 it does just feel like blokes are either bored/lonely or want a walk and want someone to talk to there and then.

Speak of which, I am finding Mr Nerd a bit full on now. On our date we agreed about just seeing each other a couple of times a week. But he is messaging me every night and I'm beginning to feel like he's another lonely one who wants entertainment. Urgh.

@RosieAway I did message the playwiter back but his second message was about appreciating sheer stockings and alluring smiles, so I had to promptly unmatch.

I’m beginning to theorise that a lot of men see women on apps as more “available”, “more up for it” and thus devalue and disrespect. Not all, but you know what I mean. Being ruthless from the outset of any of that is key isn’t it?

@RosieAway Absolutely, particularly because my profile is quite boring (references to books and art) and my photos show little skin. I have discovered that nobody reads it though!

@Chocolatefreak I would ditch Mr Wildlife, unless he is on safari with no internet and had told you in advance he wouldn't be able to message. It takes seconds to send a hey how you doing sorry I've not been in contact message. But I have been deleting away maybe a bit too readily the last couple of days. But if they can't show some level of effort at this stage surely it doesn't bode well.

Mr Bohemian, I wouldn't meet at 10pm, but I wouldn't ditch him at this stage either, I'd go with the following week option.

So at the start of the week I had two tentative dates but I've ditched them both for different reasons. Worried maybe I'm getting too ruthless.

Someone new popped up yesterday morning that caught my eye & I had a chat with them last night which was good in terms of back and forth, they could string a sentence together at least & no weird comments but then they just disappeared, felt like they were messaging someone else and that was maybe more interesting for them. So will see if they message again, I'm not going to chase them.

I absolutely think this

@Superawkward yeah I would agree. I get the whole not wanting to invest too much ££ in a first date but equally, i want to be able to make a bit of an effort and go have a relaxed drink and chat. The one guy I agreed to go out with Saturday night seems nice but he has also wanted to chat last night as well. We shall see, I am also worried I am becoming too judgmental and ruthless

These are likes from bots. Match and Bumble are full of them

I tend to agree if my experience is anything to go by. I think in my age range a lot of men come out of long relationships and have no idea how to speak to women as it’s been so long since they were single and see older women on the apps as desperate.

If someone in tinder had swiped left on me, would tinder still keep showing me their profile? I keep seeing this one profile, they haven't liked me for sure. I feel like I know them from something, but can't remember where/ why, so I haven't swiped either way (yet).

ugh, just had a guy on bumble ask me
“so what are the red flags that you look out for on guys then”
He’s either stupid and can’t read a room or dangerous, as if I would give any man a list of red flags so they know what to avoid showing 🫣
I quickly unmatched him…

@Robinkitty I have asked men what they consider to be red flags. I think it gives an idea of their values. I think it's better in a conversation though. Most of the guys that I have met really don't seem to care what they say as an at this point they aren't invested.

Hi all!
I've had quite a few matches this week.
One from bumble, I'll call him Mr sensible. I actually really enjoyed our chat to big in with but now he's started asking me about my political brows and if I'd have more children. No problem I guess with this, he's obviously working out if we have the same values.... but it's given me the ick abit!

I matched with someone on tinder, Mr Irish. He was great! Lots of fun! Really good two way coco, quick replies. But turns out he's in Ireland and his location hasn't updated.

Mr Preston on tinder. I'm really attracted to him... but he sends like one message a day so I can't see this going anywhere :(

So a better week with more matches... but nothing on the horizon :(

I actually think profiles are quite a good filter. Everyone looks at the photos but more thoughtful guys are going to look at the photos AND read the profiles... and isn't that what we want, more thoughtful guys?

@blacksocks33 the one message a day is exasperating. If you can't get a good chat going at some point it doesn't bode well. But I think the political views thing is personal - for me similar political views/values are important so I would also try to work those out fairly early, although maybe not so directly!

@Chocolatefreak it's so frustrating isn't it! Because that one message has good content but just once a day is pointless!
He didn't get back to me today so I guess that's another one gone 🙄

Btw massive apologies for previous typos! I did not proof read and boy can you tell 😂🙈

Do many of you consider friends with benefits situations. If so how do you go about it. First date first? How do you know you’re safe etc? I have a couple of dates lined up one would like fwb. Which may suit my crazy life for now. Just curious I guess

So I had a date lined up with a guy on Sat night. He has called me twice this week, been texting lots. Nothing today and he’s just msgd saying that basically I don’t have enough time for him, that’s the crux of it! He was 56, 10 years older than me and uni age kids. Drives me mad, I said when he messaged me about being in the same life space. Wasted a week of my time and headspace. Urgh welcome to the world of online dating!!

I met a lovely FWB through OLD. We texted a lot first, then did a video call, then we met up in person. I felt safe with him - he was very respectful, there were no red flags. We went to a hotel for first meet up. Definitely make sure you are both feeling it before ending up in the bedroom,.and trust your gut if it doesn't feel right. We also talked about what we like/dislike in bed which was a good starting point ☺️

Well been back on OLD 6 days after a 4 month break and it’s just the same as before.

I just find it so tedious. The same cringey comments, men who can’t answer a question, closed responses etc etc. I don’t think wanting a normal grown up non sleazy or cheesy chat is really an unrealistic expectation but it seems rarer than a rainbow unicorn.

You need to decide what you want from any arrangement and when this guy says FWB does he mean that or does he mean FB.

FB = F**k Buddy = generally means you meet up, have sex, and have very limited contact outside of arrangements to meet up.

FWB = generally means developing a friendship as well as the sex, so messaging throughout the week, when you do meet up you might go to the cinema, grab a bite to eat, see a band etc. Basically not just sex.

Which do you want?
Obviously there are variables to each but its good to know what you want before you meet.

I've done both and both worked equally well as I set my boundaries at the start and I can have sex without emotion but a lot of people can't.

To keep safe you meet them socially a few times before deciding to have sex, sex early on is good as you then know you're compatible- I tried out many men and many didn't make the cut as the sex was crap.
A hotel meet is good or tell a friend their address and do hourly check ins.
Staying the night in their home is a huge step, generally I would spend a few hours there and then leave. There are somany things to consider for everyone to be comfortable.

If you have specific questions I'll help if I can.

@SamW98 yeah I feel your pain. The two dates I’ve managed to line up have both now messed me about. The one I wasn’t that bothered about but the other has insisted on two phone calls in 4 days and been texting non stop. What is wrong with these people!!!

So I have just heard from the guy who I have been chatting to for the last 8 weeks. We have met 3 times in that time and was supposed to be meeting tomorrow.
He has messaged this

I feel very shit typing this.
I like you a lot, and I’ve loved our chats and time together.
I just don’t know if I’m wanting a relationship. I’m trying to be as honest a possible. I don’t want to use/shag you with the knowledge that I don’t know if I want/ready for a relationship now.
I’m lonely and your company in person and on the phone has been wonderful.
Can we have a little break and chat again in a few weeks?
Im sorry. And I’ve not meant to lead you along. You’re a beautiful human.
Just maybe not for me right now.

Gutted is not the word right now...so confused we were on the phone 4 hours last night!!

I'm sorry that that's happened 2anddone. That's the Second time he's pulled back isn't it. I hope you are as ok as you can be

SamW98 Maybe it's just true that all the good ones get snapped up quickly. So they are doing OLD, but only briefly!

@2anddone I'm sorry to read you've been gutted/hurt. I have massive respect for men who are straightforward and honest.

Someone said truth hurts now, lies hurt later. If you know where you stand, you can move forward much quicker and have a resolution of sorts.