Dating thread 245

[SamW98]

Continued from 244….

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Was talking about he's separated but they're still living together ATM while they sell the house. It sounded like the script TBH. Even if it's genuine, the more I'm thinking about it, the more I just think its more complicated than I want in my life. It's not like I can go to his house with his ex in the next room!

@Chocolatefreak

Given what you've written, I'd meet him again... Men with the kind of "credentials" you have listed are pretty rare on OLD. I think expecting sparks to fly on a first date with someone you've never met before is unrealistic and unhelpful, and we can often couple with very unsuitable types where we place too much emphasis on this.

However, only you know how you truly feel, and if you really aren't feeling it, then trust your instincts... but otherwise, just don't let the fact it wasn't a "Disney" perfect encounter stop you from meeting him again.

Thanks @NervesOfCotton will let you know how it goes! Meeting at 2.30 today.
Quite like the sound of the speed dating

@2anddone how about a peck on the cheek and see if he responds to that? Just being a bit more tactile. Although, I'd be wary if he says his flat is a state. To me that is saying 'I can't run a house by myself so would like to move in with you please'.

Oh well I have a chat going (finally!) So will see...

Superawkward Oh, I always feel for (genuine) people who are stuck sharing post-split, me & my ex did it for 6 months & that was bad enough (I wasn't dating in that time though) it does sound complicated.

@NervesOfCotton this is the thing. If it's genuine then I totally get it. I am still legally married to my ex although he moved out straight away. I know life is complicated when you get to this age and there's kids etc to consider.

I'm still going to meet him and I think I wanna ask him about it in person. See his reaction.

He says it's clean he is just embarrassed by it as is a council flat and he moved in when separated from his wife so all furniture etc is from charity shops and nothing matches and is a bit tatty etc.
Apparently women he has matched and spoken to on bumble have been immediately switched off/unmatched as soon as he has told them what he does for a living (window cleaner) so he is very wary about people judging him.
We did have a peck on the lips bye at the end of our last date, he is a proper Londoner and when we chat often calls me 'mate' which I know is nothing to read into (I see it no different to me calling people babe as that's a used phrase where I am) but do wonder sometimes if we are in the friend zone...which I would be ok with but don't want to make an idiot out of myself trying to kiss him and then find out!!

@NervesOfCotton 🤞 good luck with the chat too.

And deactivated again as I realised my next free weekend is 20th April 🤣

Think thats been a big issue for me, just so much else going on I struggle to fit in dating.

@2anddone I can understand why he's nervous about it TBH. From what you say it just sounds like he is someone who just takes a while to build trust and open up which is nice. But I also think sometimes with someone like that if you make the first move, they open up a lot more quickly. Hope it's a lovely date!

@SamW98 oh no! This is what I find, scheduling is a nightmare!

Thanks @Superawkward I also take a long while to open up and build trust because of past relationships.
We have both been very honest with each other about our pasts and he has even admitted to using OLD to hook up with people for one night stands for about 6 months 6 years ago when his wife left him, but we have both agreed that there is something there and we will take it slow while we work out whatever it is!

2anddone Personally, I wouldn't read too much into the 'mate', the Cockney one who I had dates with, every sentence ended with love/babe/darling/mate (& he clearly didn't see me as a mate) it was just like he couldn't end a sentence without adding one of those, any one

I've heard men say similar, that women are put off if their home isn't perfect etc. I'm the one with the charity shop furniture so it'd never bother me.

Superawkward Yeah asking face to face sounds like the best plan.

@NervesOfCotton I have to admit that I am a bit 'wary' about men's homes. As I've already said about Mr Nerdy. I have absolutely no desire to live with another man or have one in my home while my kids are here. So I am very wary about them asking to come to mine or trying to move in etc.

@Chocolatefreak I agree with @Moonfishstar, I'd give it another go.

@2anddone enjoy the cinema date, I think he sounds lovely.

@NervesOfCotton good luck with the chat.

I've heard nothing from Mr Basketball, I had said just message when you get back (tomorrow) and we can make a plan so he is literally just doing what I'd suggested but it just feels a bit tumble weed, and if he does message tomorrow & ask to meet I know I'll panic and not want to.

Whereas I started chatting with someone else yesterday, we more or less sent the first message to each other at the same time which was nice.

And there were a few messages back and forth which were good and already I would feel much more inclined to meet him than Mr Basketball who has zero chat although on his profile he promises that his super power is the ability to make others laugh...

Although the chatty one has a date for today so I guess I was his back up but at least he was upfront about the fact he was meeting someone else today. It's a tricky business!

@SamW98 really hope you have better luck this time round now your profiles are back up. It surely can't get much worse 😆🤦‍♀️

@SamW98 just saw that you are back off them again 😂 I think it's fab that you have so much on that you don't have the time for it.

Superawkward Me too. Dating is for me, I'm not looking to involve my kids at all. And yeah my house is an absolute state, crappy broken furniture, messy, but it's loved (my oldest has Sen & is going through a trash everything phase so there just isn't the point in having nice stuff right now)

So I'm a bit like... Nobody is coming back to mine, but I don't wanna go to yours either as I don't know you

@Mckittens it's so hard isn't it! I think it would've been nice to get a message while Mr Basketball was away. Make a bit of an effort to keep you interested kind of thing.

How do you feel about knowing men are chatting to others and lining up dates? I know it's hypocritical because I'm doing exactly the same thing, but I always feel a bit put out when I see people I'm chatting to or meeting on the apps at the same time I am 😆

@NervesOfCotton I am the exact same!

@Superawkward he did message, he has been away all week and there have been a few back and forth during that time but in one of my early messages I had said I'm not sure our interest align based on our profiles or something like that, I should maybe have just asked a more specific question and he came back with we can find out together and something about being curious to explore the connection we may have.

And at that point I did nearly unmatch but then I thought maybe that's ok and since then we agreed to meet for a coffee or a walk and I did say just message when your back but yes it would have been better if he'd been a bit more engaging! I do like to be able to chat a bit with someone between dates so if this is the way forward it's not for me.

I was a bit crestfallen when the other one sent a message to say I'm going to be transparent, I initially just saw that first line and my heart fell as I assumed he was going to start going on about not wanting vanilla or something 😂 but he was just saying he was due to meet someone today that had been planned for a week, for coffee. I just said thanks for letting me know and that I had a tentative plan with Mr Basketball.

I guess that's just one of the many things that can mess with your head about on line dating, you've no control over who else they are chatting to/ meeting up with in the early stages at least.

I've just been on the site and can see that he is online, he is probably setting up multiple dates as I type this 😬

@Mckittens I know what you mean. I like having that chat before meeting up. It does help.

I suppose OLD is no different to real life when someone might be flirting with a few women at one time.

Can I ask for a take on this, had a first coffee date with let's call him Mr Maths..we agreed to meet up for a second, I suggested today during the day or Sunday evening. I can't do next week as I have friends over and various other commitments and I work. I explain this to him specifying what I am doing exactly really so doesn't think I am dating 3 others ! I get a "can't do Sunday am out and about" - I just find it really annoying...how vague.

I'd take that as he is probably either dating others or just busy TBH.

There's six nations and a football cup final on on Sunday too. So I'd probably presume he's watching something in the pub but doesn't want to look like that bloke.

Livelifelaughter I see what you mean, you tell him everything & he hardly tells you anything! Agree with Superawkward though, that he might just not want to tell you what he's doing, but it's nothing to do with dating somebody else.

@Superawkward @NervesOfCotton I have one night free next week and want to keep that to rest which I don't think is unreasonable, have offered to meet him during the day. I get the feeling this is a bit lack lustre...also think a second date should progress to more than another coffee..