Dating thread 245

[SamW98]

Continued from 244….

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

🤣 they're not totally awful! I have make up and nice clothes on! But they're the kind of ones I'd opt not to post on my Instagram IYSWIM! I'm a size 16 so purposely chose a few full body ones where the chins are visible. Still got matches though 🤷‍♀️

Give me some advice please! I dunno whether to cancel a date!

Am currently chatting to Mr Hot (who is really attractive!), Mr Nerd (who isn't as attractive but there is a spark, loads in common and a good sense of humour) and Mr Nice (who is more attractive than Mr Nerd, very sweet but not quite as much spark as Mr Nerd).

Meant to be meeting Mr Hot at the weekend, but just feel like there's no point. Messages aren't great and I'm just feeling no effort from him. Especially compared with the effort from Mr Nerd and Mr Nice. Suspect he is after a shag TBH.

But literally don't know what to say to cancel? Sorry mate, you're fit but not making the effort? Just ghost? This is why I am so awkward!

@Superawkward I would probably say - I realised I am actually not feeling excited about taking this further, let’s unmatch, wish you all the best

I find the men seem to like it when I’m negative about meeting them e.g if I tell them that I’m quite far away they seem to be some more interested the less keen I am to meet them. Maybe they start seeing it as a challenge?

I’ve already messaged him and no reply.

So I think this one is going nowhere!

I’m chatting to someone new but won’t have chance to meet him until the week after next, which I hope he’s okay with.

Interesting! I’ve come across both. The chat fizzling out as soon as we realise we live completely opposite ends of London, to dates outside London that we both travelled to because we were so keen to meet each other.

I avoid this by not matching with anyone hot 😂

But seriously, just step away from the conversation if you’re no longer feeling it.

@Superawkward If Mr Hot isn't inconveniently far away to meet, I would meet him. Saying this because people can come across so differently in real life. Also because I view OLD as a numbers game - by the law of averages there must be someone somewhere to click with!

I have a date tonight with Mr Peru. Have hardly chatted at all. He seems chilled though. We'll see.

@2anddone I think it sounds like he texted you to remind you he's there but to just keep you hanging on. Again I think if someone's really interested, they would make more of an effort.

@Crushed23 @RadiantRainbow thanks. I'm tempted to do as you've suggested.

@Chocolatefreak this is what I had been thinking TBH but now I'm not sure. I'm going to him, but I was going that way anyway. I just feel a bit 'meh' about it after arranging a date with Mr Nerd (who is doing everything right, he's coming to me, doing all the arranging etc). I've got a bloke who is making so much effort and one who can't be arsed in comparison.

I was so excited when Mr Hot asked to meet because it was the first time i was asked out in 20+ years. Now I've had time to think, I'm not so sure.

@Robinkitty I definitely think some blokes like a bit of a challenge. But I also suspect some bloke purposely choose women far away because they are cheating and it's easier to hide it.

@Superawkward With any of them things could be better or worse in person.

You could phone or video-call if in person is too stressful.

Texting gives you an idea of what someone is like but not the whole picture.

@Superawkward I think @RadiantRainbows message is good. In your situation where you have one who is being keen and good messages and one who clearly isn't putting any effort in & who was v attractive I would ditch out before meeting. Definitely don't go all the way to him. I've been meeting half way and even that one of my pals who has been on line dating for much longer has been saying no they should be making the effort and coming over to my side of the city. I don't actually really want them in my area so have been happy to meet half way but I wouldn't go all the way to them even as you say if you are going that way anyway. Good luck with the other one though he sounds nice!

@RadiantRainbow I think I matching without any explanation when they have replied isn't how I like to be treated. Not sure that's not ghosting? I just send a few lines, I don't think you really need an explanation, just a " I am just going to say goodbye and wish you well".
If someone sends "yes" or "no answers " then I take that as a sign that they aren't interested in me to be honest...my most common reason for not taking things further is actually no interest in my world.

@Chocolatefreak good luck with Mr Peru tonight.

This week I've been chatting to Mr Basketball, who right from the start had said he was keen to meet but has been away all week, back Sunday. There hasn't been lots of messages , I did leave a gap of a couple of days before replying to one of his messages so not just him that's been lacklustre.

With the last one I met, Mr Walking Red Flag, we messaged loads in the lead up to meeting, really lovely chat & had a call which made it feel easier to meet in the first place but once I actually met him and could see he wasn't going to be good for me, it made extricating myself from it all more difficult because of all the messaging that had gone on beforehand.

So I'm hoping that by not getting involved in lots of messages with Mr Basketball, we will either meet and have a good chat or not and it will be easier just to let it go in my head as as much as anything.

But then I'm now also thinking maybe it's a lack of effort on Mr Basketballs case 🤦‍♀️ and if the messages are so short/ not chatty then is this not just a predictor to how it will be when we meet. I'm a classic over thinker though so probably not cut out for the on line dating world!

I've been reading with interest and thought I'd join the thread if I may . Just started back in weird and wonderful world of OLD after separation last year (14 year married, 20+ together - I'm early 40s).
I did have a few dates last summer but wasn't ready. Done the work, very happy in myself so joined Hinge in Jan and first guy (Mr Legal) I meet was quite literally thunderbolt and lightening. Clicked. Bliss. But sadly a job offer to different part of England threw a spanner in that as LDR would not have worked.
So picking up the pieces of my slightly dented and bruised heart and back on OLD - Bumble seems a lot more active in my area. Had a date last night with Mr Average. Really nice guy but I was a bit bored and definitely no chemistry from my side. He was just fine but to quote Roy Kent in Ted Lasso (IYKYK) why settle for fine. I also think Mr Legal set the bar so high sadly. I have another date lined up Monday with Mr Young. He's 5 years younger than me but I enjoy his messages and looks very promising. A few other contenders are brewing so we'll see.

Question to you all - I've been a bit lazy and only looking for dates within close proximity. I just find logistics of having to drive or take public transport inconvenient right now :/ I live in a bigger city so the pool is still okay. But slowly coming around to the idea that it's ok not to be within walking distance. How far would you all consider a date from? And how do you manage that?

@Ladymayflower for me it would depend on what you wanted to do with a partner. Going for nights out drinking etc would be a PITA if you had to travel far with no public transport etc.

I live somewhere quite rural and didn't want to end up dating someone I would potentially bump into everyday (it's that kind of place!). Plus there's not loads of choice. I've mentally set my distance for about 45mins/one hour travelling. That's what I would usually be prepared to do for a big night out or day out etc. I drive and am not a massive drinker these days. So that works for me. Everyone is different though.

I've snoozed my profiles on tinder and bumble as I'm deciding to have a week off. I'm just finding to so disheartening to be starting all these conversations just to be ignored.
I forgot about hinge though so went on it to see two matches.. sent messages and I've been ignored yet again.
So in a week I've had ten plus matches.... and no message back 😔

@Mckittens I know exactly what you mean about over thinking it. I go round my head thinking that not everyone is good at texting/making small talk/introductions etc. Tell myself to see how they are in real life.

But TBH with the kind of life I have, there's gonna be stretches of not seeing a partner cos of my kids etc. I want someone who is going be decent at keeping in touch with me and making phone conversation over 4/5 days.

@blacksocks33 I don't blame you, if it's getting you down then it's time to take a break. I know it's easier said than done, but try not to take it personally. I work on the assumption that everyone else has something else going on in their life and its not a problem with me.

@Livelifelaughter you are so right about taking an interest in your world. I want a man who makes me feel seen and who is interested in me beyond having sex and doing his chores for him.

Having someone message me about something in my profile other than 'You look nice in your pictures' is always going to grab my attention more.

@Superawkward aww thank you! I think I was feeling really wounded by a previous match who I was dating who ended up ghosting me and then I jumped back in the bandwagon and it just didn't help.
Just going to have a week off and start again 😔

Hi been lurking and can relate to so many posts.

can anyone translate ‘sex positivity ‘ ?

There was a separate MN thread about this 😆 I just had a convo with a guy from Bumble about it. I said it just suggests to me that they are looking for a hookup but I think men just may be using it incorrectly. He said lots of women also add sex positive. I think Bumble should perhaps give a definition to avoid confusion 😅