Dating thread 245

[SamW98]

Continued from 244….

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I have met a couple that look better in real life. But recently they seem to have been older in real life/heavier. It’s not all about looks but this is one of the reasons I’m not using apps at the moment! The ai thing just confuses me! Why bother?!

I look awful in photos! So a catch 22 of probably not getting the attention of people who might fancy me IRL (proof of this, been hit on out x 2 by guys who’d not matched me. Enjoyed rejecting them back hahahaha) but when I have got to meeting I’m confident about it.

(I used to be a model in a different life, but not your typical pretty type. Have always been really insecure about my looks, probably at my most confident now. Or at least I was until the mindf&ck of OLD!!)

Think I have messed up...was supposed to be going out today with the guy I have been chatting to.
He is a window cleaner and couldn't work yesterday because of the rain, when I got up this morning it was dry and bright here so I messaged him to say it wasn't raining here so if it wasn't raining at his and he wanted to work I was free Friday or Saturday and he replied with 'ok let's postpone to another day 😊 have a good day xx catch up later'
He hasn't message since...which I know sounds crazy but he usually messages every couple hours....hoping he is just busy and doesn't think I was making an excuse!! Bloody rain started an hour after I sent the message and hasn't stopped yet!!

@bumblebreath what kind of thing do you have in your profile that wards against the FWB brigade? I think I need to add something in but wasn't sure if I should just put not looking for FWB type arrangement or something else?

Thanks @RadiantRainbow that's really helpful. I'm May now be away to lower my age range again 😂

My Experience os it doesn’t matter how clearly you spell it out that you don’t know any hook ups or no strings sex, some see it as a challenge i think.

I had on my profile I’m not interested in hook ups, ONS or being a cougar yet I still got bombarded with sleazy messages and stuff like ‘I know you say you’re not into younger men but I’ll change your mind’ or ‘try hooking up with me, I’ll give you the orgasm of your life’

Yea it does filter out a lot of them but they still manage to slip through. I think some of them do it to get a reaction tbh.

My rule is the first time they turn the chat to sex before meeting, that’s me out.

@2anddone

In your shoes i would drop him a message asking about his day and saying are we on for later in the week. Definitely worth finding out for sure

He has literally just messaged me!
I really have to stop my past preventing me from relaxing in the future! My x was emotionally and financially abusive and I am used to days of silent treatment etc...now I get paranoid if texts drop off to less than what they were I know I need to stop but it's hard!

@2anddone you haven't messed up, either he was working which is good or he hasn't replied for any number of other reasons. Consistency I think though is key; if someone has been messaging regularly and then the pattern changes it usually indicates something is amiss.

@SamW98 omg I'll give you the orgasm of your life 🤦‍♀️😆 I mean seriously wtaf, it's baffling.

@2anddone that's great 😊 hopefully he was just cleaning lots of windows in the sunshine.

Tbh this one looked like the only sexual partner he’d ever had was his right hand.

Honestly I really attract them 🤣 - I seem to be some sort of perv magnet

He has text me now...I just need to learn not to be paranoid he has had a really busy day and had a few issues/flooding caused by the rain!!
As I explained above my paranoia comes from a financially/emotionally abusive ex husband! I need to try and get a hold of it but it's hard!

On photos and reality, I walked past my very first OLD date in the street because I didn't recognise him! Older, fatter, and no chemistry in person. I was very disappointed because we had got on very well through chat.
^
Now I manage my expectations! I suppose it was an educational first date, and it didn't put me off. He's a decent person and we are still in touch, but not at all romantically.^

Just back from my first date post ex. No chemistry for me. Should I message to say so? I only went on one date last time around - with ex and obviously things ended very differently as we were together 18 months!

He seemed an OK guy but I found him a bit awkward and not that easy to talk to. Didn't really fancy him either. I am not sure he liked me either. Is mutual ghosting the least uncomfortable thing for us both??

I would send a very honest...thanks for meeting today, I didn't feel any chemistry so won't be meeting again just didn't want to ghost you. Hope you match with someone soon.
But that's because I would rather have a closure than a ghost situation!

@friendswiththemonstera

I would just send a short message saying you had a nice time but didn’t feel you clicked and wish him well.

I just think ghosting is rude once you’ve met so a generic message just closes the door for you both.

It's so hard not to let what's happened in the past knock your confidence, but I know that even now I still let stuff with my ex get in my head. Its great he text back, shows he's still interested.

@friendswiththemonstera I'd just send a polite message back saying it was nice to meet but can't see it progressing.

@SamW98 OMG I can't believe people say things like that! Especially when you just know looking at them they totally wouldn't!

@Chocolatefreak 🤣 how did he explain the difference in his photos? I wonder if this is why so many blokes are so paranoid about making sure women look like their pictures cos they know how much they lie themselves ?!

Sadly it is not about the quantity of the matches but the quality and connection. After nearly nine dates in two weeks, I am ready to come off OLD as every single person I met was either a player or a narcissist. There is a reason why these men were single! I have one last second date on Sunday and will revert deleting Bumble once again.

@RosieAway In other people's pictures I regularly look absolutely dismal, but I am not going to put bad pics of me on the dating profile.
However men are so often so bad at it and take pics of their nose hair or whatever, so compared to that I am able to present myself in the best possible light/angle...but then get worried I won't live up to the pics!

@SamW98 I am quite shocked at your stories! I have had more than a dozen conversations by now and nobody was anywhere near what you are describing, the "worst" comment I had when asked one guy about why he swiped right on me, he said my profile sounded intelligent and I had a very "kissable" look about me...don't know if kissable stands for something else haha, I never even heard a word like that but that's the closest to inappropriate that anyone said to me 🤔
I also do filter out ruthlessly probably 95% of men...and tend to go for slightly geeky or in general kind looking, not anything too "manly" maybe? some are still quite good looking (few though, and some really good looking ones definitely were bots!)

Anyone else gets guys who can only say "yes x" or "no x" or other monosyllabic answers and can't think of any questions to ask apart from "what are you looking for here" and "what do you do for fun"?
Also, I wish there were pinned Rules on the apps like we have on this thread, at the start of every chat!
which would say 1. nobody expects a quick reply because people have a life

1. anyone can unmatch without an explanation and it's not reflection on you, if someone isn't feeling it, they aren't feeling it

I feel I am constantly apologising to guys before unmatching and also feel a bit annoyed with myself for doing it, because why do I have to explain myself? But still feels a bit rude to just unmatch mid conversation, even if the conversation is extremely boring

@RadiantRainbow

I think I’ve had so many similar sleazy men that I just thought that’s normal for OLD. And my friends have had the same experience.

Not sure if it’s the age group or what but all of my mates who have tried OLD have had untold sexual messages and sleazy dates. Several have had dick pics as well.

It’s made me so cynical about men in a way I’ve never been previously.

@RadiantRainbow I purposely chose photos of myself I thought were awful to put on my profile! That way no one can say I don't look like that!

@SamW98 I do wonder if it's age with the weirdos. I've thankfully only had one that didn't take the hint when I didn't respond to his message and kept asking why I didn't reply. So he was swiftly blocked.

@Superawkward did you have any good pics of yourself too?😂Did you get lots of matches nonetheless?

I don't think I would be brave enough to show awful photos of myself to anyone, except maybe best mates for a laugh!