Signs of a player

[Geordielass35]

I've been on a few dates with a really attractive man. Physically he is exactly what I am looking for. We haven't got intimate yet, but been some intense kissing and touching. If things keep progressing it won't be long. However the way he is so confident makes me think he's a player. The amount of messages that pop up on his phone also suggest he's got potential women contacting him. Maybe he's just popular with his mates, I don't know. He is alway positing photos of himself online though.

On Wednesday he invited me around to his house to cook a meal. I accidentally walked into his bedroom instead of the bathroom. He didn't know because he was downstairs cooking. His bedroom had a sweet musky smell, like another woman had been in earlier. Sometimes it smells like that on his beard. Sorry if TMI. Definitely not a masculine scent. Maybe I'm overthinking things?!

Is there any point in asking him if he's got others on the go? He's obviously just going to deny it to have his way with me. I wouldn't mind him being FWB, but only if I'm the ONLY one.

It’s irrelevant who suggested it. You’re going along with it. It’s ludicrous that you’re doing this at all, but especially in such early stages of seeing someone. If you think it’s necessary/helpful/reassuring, then you really shouldn’t be with this guy at all.

I tend to agree. He's already making you feel you have to compromise your dignity and integrity because you can't trust him. The fact that his neighbour is getting involved is just so skeevy.

Sorry OP. I know you really like him but you've gone through this whole process of lying to yourself and pretending you're okay with him being a player. I would love to see you take your power and confidence back. I really hope I'm wrong and you are okay with him.

@taylorswift1989
@sammylady37

It's not what I want to read but I have to say my gut instinct agrees with you. I have been pretending it's ok but it's not going to go away. If I walk away now not much damage will have been done and it'll humble him.

I think putting yourself first is the absolute best idea. Make space for someone wonderful to come into your life. That person can't come in when you are still entertaining unsuitable men.

I know it's hard to walk away from someone when they make you feel both good and anxious. It's a horribly addictive combination. But it really feels amazing to stand in your own power and feel in control of your own life.

You asked his neighbour what he ‘had been
like ‘ .
I would be very unimpressed by this .
And you will ‘humble him ‘ . By stopping dating him ?
dating is not a competition of getting one up on someone else .

He doesn't owe you anything though - exclusivity, loyalty nothing. That's the risk with such an arrangement. There are no rules so that means no one is breaking anything. If you don't like it, then just end it. You don't even owe him a reason.

Any updates OP?

What has he actually done wrong? There is no evidence he’s seen any other woman except for OP thinking she could smell perfume.

It's not about him doing something wrong. It's about whether OP feels she can have the kind of relationship she wants with him. He is a player who has a history of sleeping with multiple women. The 'perfume' on his beard is the scent of another woman's pussy. Of course, a single man can do what he likes. But OP is looking for an exclusive relationship and it's clear by the fact that she feels the need to spy on him and discuss him with his neighbour that she doesn't trust him and the situation is making her anxious.

That's my take on it, anyway. It's not always about someone being wrong. Just wrong for each other.

@taylorswift1989 This take is absolutely perfect. Thanks so much for your help and support on this thread.

@shininglight16 yes update - advised him I don't want to see him anymore. He didn't seem bothered, which says everything about the situation. Shame because he was an incredible shag. He was just my type physically, very skilled and super well endowed.

We had a good time but I was always unconvinced and worried about what he was up to and how long it would last. This anxiety just isn't worth living with. It's been a matter of weeks, if turned into months and it ended then I would be upset. So I've kinda quit while ahead

Good for you OP. And as far as the sex goes, just see it as levelling up! You now have a new basic standard for sexual pleasure with a partner and so all future sex will be that good or better, or you'll just move along! And honestly, sex with someone who is in love with you is the bomb.

Be careful though and watch out for the message you'll get at some point in the future - probably just at the point where you've forgotten all about him. Or when you're feeling lonely and vulnerable. Then he'll pop up looking all shiny. Maybe change his name in your phone to his worst attribute, so when he does pop up, you're instantly reminded that there's someone better out there for you.

And there is! You'll meet someone lovely. The more you put yourself first in these situations, the less attractive you become to players and the more attractive you become to lovely people looking for the same things as you.