Signs of a player

[Geordielass35]

I've been on a few dates with a really attractive man. Physically he is exactly what I am looking for. We haven't got intimate yet, but been some intense kissing and touching. If things keep progressing it won't be long. However the way he is so confident makes me think he's a player. The amount of messages that pop up on his phone also suggest he's got potential women contacting him. Maybe he's just popular with his mates, I don't know. He is alway positing photos of himself online though.

On Wednesday he invited me around to his house to cook a meal. I accidentally walked into his bedroom instead of the bathroom. He didn't know because he was downstairs cooking. His bedroom had a sweet musky smell, like another woman had been in earlier. Sometimes it smells like that on his beard. Sorry if TMI. Definitely not a masculine scent. Maybe I'm overthinking things?!

Is there any point in asking him if he's got others on the go? He's obviously just going to deny it to have his way with me. I wouldn't mind him being FWB, but only if I'm the ONLY one.

I’m a different age group and exclusive FWB is fairly common for older people who are past the blended families and cohabiting stage. Like what was called a gentlemen friend back in the old days.

For younger people, you’re probably right but I’m long past stage of knowing how that works these days.

Agree it's age dependent @SamW98 - in my age group it stands that men are not going to give an FWB commitment. For people who've maybe been divorced... yes

May have missed OP's age

If someone I'd been on a few dates with suggested staying over for 4 days in a row I'd run a mile. Not because I'm a player, but because that's weird.

Tbh OP I think you're jumping to some conclusions. It seems strange to me to overanalyse the scent of a man's bedroom to ascertain whether a woman's been in there recently. Maybe it's just air freshener. Is it supposed to smell of beer and sweat?

Just because a man is attractive and confident doesn't unequivocally mean he's a player.

If you're open to something casual with him, you seem overly preoccupied with concerns about him potentially dating other women. Which he's allowed to do, as you're not exclusive. Just make sure you're using protection if you do sleep with him.

In FWB situations one usually ends up getting hurt and in the majority of cases - no matter how many on here deny it - it's nearly always the woman.

Stay away OP this one sounds like a heartbreaker.

@StrugglingWithItAll123 Thanks. I'm leaning towards that. Just my look that he's perfect in other ways

It's a distinct musky smell mixed with perfume and it was on his beard as well as his bedroom.

Yeah unless you want no strings, no exclusivity, casual sex, one night stand type thing, or a short term casual sex thing.

Where you don't go out together, you don't talk about personal stuff, it's the last down the list in priorities in life, if you've literally got nothing better to do, always using protection and often regular std checks. Immediately cutting it off if you start to develop any emotional feeling toward him.

Expecting anything more will lead to heartbreak.

Yes, so, once again, why would you progress a relationship with someone you doubt is what you're looking for? I'm not saying he doesn't have qualities you're attracted to. I'm asking you why you would want any kind of relationship with someone who makes you wary. Even if he is amazing in all other ways, do you want a relationship that makes you have to suppress a natural feeling of wariness?

I won't compromise on exclusivity. I've accepted I won't find the perfect man or settle down again but there's a chance I could get hurt. So would have to be disciplined on that front

@Watchkeys for a FWB I could possibly accept that wariness. For a relationship I wouldn't.

for a FWB I could possibly accept that wariness. For a relationship I wouldn't

Why are you doing this? What do you actually want?

I've accepted I won't find the perfect man or settle down again

Why? You seem determined that you're going to have to 'put up with' something in order to find a new relationship. Why bother introducing something into your life that isn't what you want?

You don't even trust him: He's obviously just going to deny it to have his way with me

What's wrong with just leaving the whole thing alone? What do you need so badly that you will 'put up with' stuff in order to get it?

@Watchkeys I think you are probably right, I should swerve this one. Shame because it's first guy I've had a chemistry with for a long time

Thanks to everyone who contributed

They were actually questions, rather than an attempt to convince you not to see him. Can you answer any of them (not on the thread, necessarily, if you don't want to, but just to yourself)? What's going on with your perception of relationships? It seems like something has been damaged to the point that you're only willing to go part way into a relationship, but that you want the full bit from his side; faithfulness and trustworthiness. It's imbalanced.

@Watchkeys no they were very valid questions and I appreciate them, it's helped me come to the decision. From what has happened in the past I have low expectations and trust. The time I have spent OLD does nothing to change my mind on that. I'm starting to find peace about being single.

I think that if you have low expectations and a lack of trust, you need to have a look at your relationship with yourself first.

Basically, it's not up to anybody else to look after you, you are your own responsibility. So if you don't trust someone not to hurt you and you keep seeing them, that's you letting yourself down, not them. If you expect to be treated poorly, and you keep seeing them, that's you treating you poorly, whether they do or not.

Presumably you have been in a relationship with someone (or several), and stuck around whilst they hurt you? And now you assume that a new date will turn out the same, given time, so you're anxious about it. But what you're not doing is recognising that if something doesn't feel good, and you're being respectful to your feelings, you simply won't do it. You're trying to get yourself to do it, and work out a way to brush the feelings aside.

Am I barking up the wrong tree?

Yeah, don't raise her hopes. It's not going to happen.

This isn't about him.

@Watchkeys no you are absolutely right. I need to do some work on myself before I get involved with others

Mostly only in romance novels.

In real life however ....

Yup.

Oxytocin gets us much more than men.

It's science! (It really is science).

How do you know it's nearly always the woman who gets hurt? I mean, how many FWB situations have you actually had experience of? Or perhaps you're referring to studies? Can we have a link, maybe, so that we can become as learned as you?

I don't need a study to believe it's beating always women who get burned. Life experiences and hearing other people's, from both men and women.

In relationships it's equal, pretty much. With FWB, men generally come off better. They just do, no point pretending that equality makes everything peachy

@2031MummyTBC

Just your opinion then. Your life experience isn't universal.

It's actually science. When women orgasm we release oxytocin, which bonds us to the person we're having sex with. Men don't do this. So it's easier for men to stay emotionally detached. Women in FWB situations are flooding their brains with oxytocin, so are bound to feel more attached over time.

Unless you're not having any orgasms, I guess.