Signs of a player

[Geordielass35]

I've been on a few dates with a really attractive man. Physically he is exactly what I am looking for. We haven't got intimate yet, but been some intense kissing and touching. If things keep progressing it won't be long. However the way he is so confident makes me think he's a player. The amount of messages that pop up on his phone also suggest he's got potential women contacting him. Maybe he's just popular with his mates, I don't know. He is alway positing photos of himself online though.

On Wednesday he invited me around to his house to cook a meal. I accidentally walked into his bedroom instead of the bathroom. He didn't know because he was downstairs cooking. His bedroom had a sweet musky smell, like another woman had been in earlier. Sometimes it smells like that on his beard. Sorry if TMI. Definitely not a masculine scent. Maybe I'm overthinking things?!

Is there any point in asking him if he's got others on the go? He's obviously just going to deny it to have his way with me. I wouldn't mind him being FWB, but only if I'm the ONLY one.

Yes, because this is an online thread about dating and not a dissertation.

I have went one way and the other as I've pondered. Some really helpful advice that's given me food for thought. I'm going to meet him tonight just for a couple of drinks after work. I did some preparation last night just in case things were to advance. My plan is to engage in some good conversation and observe him, then what will be will be.

@taylorswift1989 didn't know that, thanks for that bit of science!

That's not a plan! That's deciding to have sex with him but pretending to yourself you haven't decided.

At least be honest and take responsibility for yourself. You want sex with him, that's fine. Enjoy! But know that he is also having sex with other women, seemingly on the same days as seeing you, and so go into this with your eyes wide open. If you are going to feel used and hurt, maybe it's better to end it.

It's interesting that you are having to trick yourself into sex with him, telling yourself you're going to 'observe' him. Are you ashamed of wanting sex? Or is it more that you know it's a bad idea and can't bring yourself to face your decision honestly?

Maybe I'm a little ashamed, I don't know why I should be. I'm confident I can handle the situation so that I don't get attached but I'm aware that others have tried before me and failed and it goes against the science.

Depending on how it goes I might just say to him, "Listen, I know you see others, the only thing I ask is it not to be on the same day."

He is super attractive and it nearly happened last time.

Online threads also require the truth to be true, rather than a person stating their opinion as if it applies universally. Of course, a person can spout bollocks on an online thread without 'losing marks', but others are also allowed to call out the bollocks that's posted.

It's all a bit much for a simple thread. Maybe you could provide a study that shows your POV if you disagree?

Men and women are different and have different habits. Do we need empirical research for every single thing anyone says?

I did some preparation last night just in case things were to advance

It's really not healthy to choose a situation where you have to prepare in this way. You either don't trust yourself, or you don't trust him, and so don't put yourself in a position where you know you may lose control. This is like someone with an alcohol addiction choosing to go to a pub where all their mates are getting drunk, and 'prepping' beforehand in case things 'get out of hand'. The truth is that 'things' don't get out of hand, and 'things' won't advance. That's the passive tense, as if people are the victim of circumstances. If 'things advance' between the two of you, you don't need 'prep', because you are responsible for 'things'. So you advance things as far as you want to, and you stop them when you have had enough. It's not like a tidal wave, where it happens to you, it's something that you do. So either you choose not to, or, if you think that won't be possible, you choose not to go at all.

'Things' can't 'advance' without your say so, so, things won't advance, because you've decided that you don't want them to. Right? The only other options here are that you are not responsible for your own actions, or he will physically force you.

I don't think you need to be ashamed, OP. You fancy him and want sex with him. That's natural!

What is more troubling is how you are willing to abandon your own feelings and standards in order to make this happen. You want something exclusive. But for some reason you've talked yourself out of that and now it's, well as long as he doesn't sleep with someone else on the same day...

What hurts us in these situations is often not the other person's behaviour - after all, his behaviour is predictable. He's going to have sex with you and with anyone else he can get. Maybe he'll ghost you, maybe he'll keep you on his roster for a while. He'll never be your boyfriend, he won't stop sleeping with other girls, he's not going to be anything more than sex. You know that now, already. So there's no real disappointment there.

The disappointment and hurt comes from when you realise you abandoned yourself. You lowered your standards. You hurt yourself in order to be with a person who will never love you, care for you or respect you.

I'm all for casual sex if you can genuinely keep it casual and you really don't care about the other person. It sounds to me like you're not in that category. But maybe I'm wrong.

@taylorswift1989 thanks for your input. If truth be told, I don't know whether I can keep it casual and not care about him. I don't think I'll know till it's too late. I'm under no illusions about him though. He's bound to be spoilt for choice and of course he knows it.

@Watchkeys it was physical beauty prep that I was referring to. Emotionally I am prepared as much as I can be. Nothing will happen unless both of us want it too. Whilst he strikes me as a player, there is no evidence that he's a nasty person. Anyway going to meet him after work, wish me luck and thanks for your wise words!

Yup. In real life they shag around a lot and never really settle - and why would they when they have so many options.

Apologies if I've missed this but have you actually asked him what he's dating with a view to finding?

I would, before you sleep together. Whether or not you want marriage and a cottage with roses around the door, I'm getting a fragility here and think you shouldn't be trying to guess his intentions in case he is just after casual sex and assumes you want the same.

It's fine to say 'im happy to see someone casually without heavy long term expectations, but not to sleep together if it's not exclusive. I understand if that means you'd rather leave things here'.

If someone has got under your skin, that chat is more important than waxing.

If you genuinely don't mind but want discretion then that is a conversation it's possible to have but I'm not sure it's one I'd bother with if he really did invite you round to find his person and bedroom smelling of another woman's perfume. That wouldn't even be one night stand territory for me.

Exclusive FWB is a thing but I think it's dependent on life stage. If folk mutually don't want anything formal but do want like you say the health security and some degree of closeness and simplicity I suppose then it works well. If someone is young and enjoying shagging about then I doubt they'll entertain it.

Well I'm back home safe. Got an early start at work tomorrow. It was a very nice night and he's saying all the right things about long term. I'll believe it when I see it but just going to enjoy it and live in the moment. He was a gentleman and didn't put any pressure on me. In fact it was probably me that made the first move 😊. Thanks to all for some valuable words of wisdom that I will keep in mind going forward. I'll be cautious but confident

Of course he said all the right things to get you to have sex with him!

Don't listen to the words a man says. Listen to how he acts. If he treats you respectfully, keeps his promises, makes an effort, communicates, listens to you, shows up for you etc, and does that consistently over time, then that's what's going to tell you about his intentions.

He didn't stay over, OP? Has he been in touch since the sex?

He was a gentleman and didn't put any pressure on me. In fact it was probably me that made the first move

Oh he is good at this, isn't he?

It is not remotely unreasonable to expect exclusivity. You have every right to only want to sleep with a man who has sex only with you. Men don't get to dictate these things for you to fall in line, as no man is worth hanging on to if he's not offering what you want. If you want an exclusive relationship, tell him. He can then choose either to agree or walk away. Obviously he may agree and then lie, which is another problem. But from where you are now, I can't see why you're wondering and guessing and trying to talk yourself into thinking whatever he is doing has to be fine, even if its not what you want, when surely if you can sleep with him you can talk to him.

when surely if you can sleep with him you can talk to him.

Absolutely. That’s something I just don’t understand how some women are comfortable getting naked with a man but can’t have an honest and open conversation with him.

The latter always comes first for me.

To be honest, I think it is unreasonable to expect exclusivity. You expect it all you like, but it's unlikely he's going to take any notice. And you'll never be any the wiser. If it's a dealbreaker, then walk away.

Seriously, why would he be exclusive unless he had feelings for op? There's nothing in it for him, at all.

What is reasonable for the OP to expect is completely her decision. No man is so special a woman should allow him to set all the terms. If she wants exclusivity she is perfectly entitled to say so. If he doesn't then he is equally entitled to walk away. There's no less in it for him than there is for the OP. If they both want to continue a relationship with each other, one will need to change. It's depressing the speed with which the OP is told it should be her, as though what she is bringing to him is by default of less value than what he brings her. In truth, men who'd be happy to include the OP amongst a group of women they have sex with are a dime a dozen, so he is entirely replacable.

If he is a player then yes, he is going to be the one calling the shots.

He's the one with a woman who only want to have sex with him. He's the one with other women who will take her place if she decides it's a dealbreaker. He's the one not emotionally invested. Unless, he does love/fancy op, and hasn't been with anyone else.

The fact that op still had sex with him (?) is going to show that to him. From the opening posts 'he's going to deny it to have sex with me' 😬

It's whatever, I wouldn't be entangling myself in this, but to each their own.

Have his way with me, even.

There is most definitely an imbalance in the scenario but meh. I think op has made her choice and that's fine.

its possible to be attractive and sexually active without being a “player” or a fuck boy.

If he’s not exclusive with anyone and enjoying himself then no harm done (assuming he is using protection and everyone is aware of the causal nature), definitely doesn’t make him an arsehole or someone to be wary of.

You can only take people at face value and use your own judgement based on their actions (rather than their words). Then trust yourself that if he isn’t consistent and he doesn’t seem to be doing the things a person who is in an exclusive “relationship“ does, to end it.

But you do need to be clear though, you can’t assume to be on the same page. If you only want to see him on an exclusive basis you’ll need to tell him clearly early doors.

It's not at all unreasonable to want exclusivity.

What's unreasonable is abandoning your wants and needs.

OP went from dating to find a boyfriend, to being willing to accept FWB as long as it's exclusive, to being okay with it not being exclusive as long as there weren't any other encounters on the same day, to oh well I'm just living in the moment.

I hope it works out, OP, but you shouldn't abandon yourself for anyone.

I dated a guy like this for two years, the sex was amazing but often he arrived smelling of other women for want of a better term. I found it a turn on to be honest but as you say each to their own.