Signs of a player

[Geordielass35]

I've been on a few dates with a really attractive man. Physically he is exactly what I am looking for. We haven't got intimate yet, but been some intense kissing and touching. If things keep progressing it won't be long. However the way he is so confident makes me think he's a player. The amount of messages that pop up on his phone also suggest he's got potential women contacting him. Maybe he's just popular with his mates, I don't know. He is alway positing photos of himself online though.

On Wednesday he invited me around to his house to cook a meal. I accidentally walked into his bedroom instead of the bathroom. He didn't know because he was downstairs cooking. His bedroom had a sweet musky smell, like another woman had been in earlier. Sometimes it smells like that on his beard. Sorry if TMI. Definitely not a masculine scent. Maybe I'm overthinking things?!

Is there any point in asking him if he's got others on the go? He's obviously just going to deny it to have his way with me. I wouldn't mind him being FWB, but only if I'm the ONLY one.

@Watchkeys if he keeps up what he's doing then I'll be happy. He is being nice, like a gentleman and very attentive and unselfish.

^This.

They know exactly how to play you - because they have a lot of experience.

Exactly. And if you stop feeling happy about how he is being, you deal with it by, firstly (and assuming it wasn't an instant dismissal offence) clearly stating your boundaries, and then if he repeats the behaviour, you leave.

You don't have to 'work out' if someone is 'a player' or 'a lovebomber' or 'an abuser'. There is a blanket way of dealing with all people who aren't good for you: pay attention to how you feel, and respond to it. The only other thing is not to invest until you feel confident. Nobody gets it right all the time, but that'll filter out most player types, without needing to understand or even see a single red flag.

The trick is to be absolutely clear that no matter how good they make you feel, the moment they start making you feel like shit, it's over.

Most of us hang on, thinking that it's just a blip, it's our fault, it's not important, desperately hoping he'll start being nice again.

Having firm boundaries means having strict rules for yourself (not the other person). E.g. if I'm crying and feeling terrible about myself because I don't know if he likes me, I walk away. If I feel jealous then I walk away.

Whatever your rules for yourself are, make them now and commit to sticking to them. That way you can trust that you're going to have a good time with this man, because if it ever stops being good for you, it'll be over.

Are you basing these assumptions on the “sweet musky smell” on his beard? And the fact that he’s good looking?

Sounds to me more like beard oil than another woman’s pussy. Surely no man would be stupid enough to spend time with you after shagging someone else without having a shower?

My BF uses beard oil and it smells quite sweet. He also uses a pillow spray to help him sleep so his bedroom smells lovely too.

Of course I think he’s hot or I wouldn’t be with him. Lucky I didn’t rule him out due to those factors!

Just enjoy it. Some of the best relationships I’ve had started as a more casual sex thing and evolved. Men are just as capable of falling in love as we are with the right person. And if you’re not the right person you’ll have some great fun along the way.

It's amazing how many people say things akin to 'Your feelings don't make sense, so ignore them and have fun!' @BigPussyEnergy

It doesn't work like that. Otherwise we could tell everyone who was afraid of mice to just enjoy their presence and how cute they are, and simply forget their phobia. Or everybody who was afraid of the dark to stop feeling afraid because the doors are locked.

Feelings are feelings. In a situation where one person doesn't feel comfortable around another, it's the discomfort that needs respecting. However clean this beard may be, OP is uncomfortable and doubts him. Telling her that she should dismiss her feelings because by your logic, he's too smart to have a dirty beard, because in your experience, your partner is good to you isn't really anything to do with her, is it? Presumably, when you were first together with your partner, you had doubts that he might be sleeping around and might be a player? If not, why do you think your situations are comparable?

Update: we have had some really deep and meaningful heart to heart discussions. He admitted that he's been a bad lad over the years. He told me that he wants to settle down now he's met me. He said he has been doing a lot of soul searching, therapy that's made him came to this conclusion, that his previous lifestyle wasn't making him fulfilled. But he said what really made it hit home was a wedding that he attended a few weeks ago and the connection that the bride and groom have, and their story. He really wants to have something similar in the long term. Anyway my gut instinct is - I think he's genuine.

I told him I really wanted to give it a go too. Inside I was buzzing but I played it cool just a little! Haha

We make eachother laugh, the conversation is interesting. He gets me thinking about things and vice versa.

I always saw myself as average looking, but he is very complimentary about me in that respect. I think he's way out of my league physically, but it's a nice problem to have! First time I've been with a guy where I can see people checking him out.

We're getting tested this week but so far have been very safe. I feel happier overall but not trying to think too far ahead, enjoy it and take it in my stride.

He told me that he wants to settle down now he's met me…I think he’s genuine

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️
Good luck op, I’ve a feeling you’re gonna need it.

He needed therapy? Soul searching? Oh boy.

This is pile of shit, but you clearly like him. So you're going to go there anyway. I also wish you good luck.

Thanks fully understand why you are cynical, but if I was to walk away I'd always wonder "what if."

Come on, op. You started this thread one week ago and described him as someone you’d been ‘on a few dates with’. A few dates. A few. You hadn’t even had sex with him at that point. And now he’s telling you that he wants to settle down with you? There’s not much to wonder about here, in all honesty.

@sammylady37 Whether it works out, time will tell. I'm not getting carried away. But at least he has put his cards on the table. Now I have that clarity. It's down to him and of course me to turn the words into actions. But I am more confident after the conversations

He admitted that he's been a bad lad over the years. He told me that he wants to settle down now he's met me. He said he has been doing a lot of soul searching, therapy that's made him came to this conclusion, that his previous lifestyle wasn't making him fulfilled. But he said what really made it hit home was a wedding that he attended a few weeks ago and the connection that the bride and groom have, and their story. He really wants to have something similar in the long term.

Sorry OP but there are thousands of women who could’ve written this, you’re being played, I’m sorry to say.

@UltraWoman you might be right. We shall see in the coming weeks and months

You think him earnestly saying “I’ve changed… I want to settle down with you, I’m sick of being a bad lad” after a few dates is him putting his cards on the table and offering clarity???

Jesus wept.

Truly, there are none so blind as those who will not see.

Good luck you will need all you can get

Keep your expectations in check. He may mean he wants a long term thing etc, he may not mean necessarily with you. If he's been shagging about for years, decades? And only just come to this realisation then it may take a bit longer to settle into what and who exactly he wants.

That's one thing I learnt dating. The overall intent can be very sincere but doesn't necessarily involve you, you're just a 'maybe' for now, a cypher to load the enthusiasm onto for a bit. Keep busy, don't invest too much more time in being his unpaid therapist. That feeling of imbalance and unease turned out to be this more than once while OLD. Saying all the right things. Even doing all the right things but I could sense the heart wasn't quite genuinely in it.

Do not listen to men you barely know rambling about their feelings and relationship mistakes endlessly unless it is your job and you have qualifications in it. Trust me. You're not getting closer because of it, they're just talking. Is he asking as much about you?

Just keep your eyes open and bear in mind that you should listen when a man tells you what he is - and cast a sceptical eye when he says "oh, but I'll change all that for you". I came across one who said similar, I spotted signs he hadn't changed though, what he was saying and what he was doing were different. I only went with it for a while as lockdown happened,so he had less opportunity. As soon as sanctions were eased, some signs returned, so I ended it, no trust, so no point. There's a certain amount of lying that comes easily to players, and once they've found it so easy to lie, it's natural for them to continue so he'd find it just as easy to lie to you. They have learnt to become masters at telling a woman what she wants to hear, rather than the truth. Of course you want to hear that he's changed, so he will just say that. What's for signs, continue to smell the beard, and visit his room as often as possible (for a snoop). It is sad that you've opted for a suddenly reformed player when you could have a much easier time of it with someone who has never been a player and doesn't have it in them - it takes a certain type of person to be that way.

This is all way too much, too soon OP. Talking about settling down after you've been on a few dates... it sounds like he's love bombing you.

Just remember: actions speak louder than words. It's one thing to talk the talk. But do his actions and words align? Is he consistent in his communication and behaviour?

I know you think he's genuine, but there are so many red flags here... please be careful. It's so hard to deal with the pain that comes when you look back and realise you knew what you were doing and you did this to yourself.

OP sorry, but this is exactly what a player does. They show an emotional vulnerability and it's to draw you in, they do it not quite at the very start but at the point they know you're into them. He may not be doing this consciously.

Things are still going well. I know it's in the honeymoon period.

As I was coming out of his house the other day the woman next door came out, she was just putting the bin out. Turns out it was my spin instructor! We've since been messaging with him the main topic of conversation. Apparently he's had loads of women around there over the years, sometimes one in, one out. But crucially that hasn't been the case lately. She is going to keep me up to date if anything changes. I don't think think he saw us chatting. Really nice woman.

People don't often change OP. But I hope you don't get hurt. The texting about the guy sounds a bit much. Why would his neighbour want to think about him so much? Why would you?

Still in the honeymoon period, yet you have his neighbour keeping an eye on him for you and reporting back… SMH.

I (f) got around bit before meeting my DP (I wasn't a cheat it just took me a while to meet the right man). I would be so creeped out if I knew this surveillance was happening behind my back. What if his cousin comes round then a tradeswoman and it gets reported back to you? What do you do then?

This is not normal. Decide whether you trust him or not, don't set his neighbours spying on him. Christ. Take a step back and have a think whether you really want to be this person.

@sammylady37 it was her suggestion when I had asked what he'd been like.
@Chinuplippyon I think surveillance is a bit of a strong word. But she'll let me know if she sees or hears a repeat of what's happened in the past.
@taylorswift1989 we exchanged a few messages about him and then talked about other things. I realise she won't be that arsed, why would she be.