Is this the script? Handhold please

[Whatachliche]

I can't believe I'm typing this - after 25 years my HB wants to move out.

When he left for a recent work trip, we were both set to work on our relationship with a therapist. after his return, he has a new gym routine, bought new underwear and has decided he is not feeling emotionally connected to me anymore and he is too 'confused' to know what he wants.

This is the f* script right?

there have been struggles like loss and illness and an unhealthy communication style from his side but we just started couples therapy to work on our relationship and turn things around. now this.

Do I entertain his quest for space or do I believe the signs of the script and just start divorce? I don't want to look through his phone, I think I can't deal with the truth. I rather walk away without knowing if that makes sense, or is that just the fear of no point of return?

@Whatachliche ahhh woW i have just read your post ‘ firstly massive hugs .
take the lying peace shit for everything you can !! Why do men think they can just treat woman like shit and just expect to walk off with out a care in the world x

Hi OP - wait until you've got the finances sorted out before you send his mum The Adultery Texts.

If you upset her now, you'll enrage him and he'll fight back and make the divorce more difficult.

Yes I know and agree. I keep visualising the brilliant metaphor a pp had for me: I'm the eagle, seeing everything, he is the rabbit on the ground. The rabbit must not know the eagle is circling. Till the finances are in place.

I likely won't do any of those things I listed, it just helps me to imagine them to find a little bit of power in the situation. I know the most powerful thing would be not to care about him anymore.

good plan op. I can imagine it is hard not to reveal what you know. You have restraint I’m not sure I’d be able to show, but it’s absolutely right to play him
to make sure you come out as good as possible.

it is SO difficult I'm bursting. I just want to shout in his face. but... eagle bunny mode

Keep that in mind, all the time
You'll get your chance!

I'm sure it's realty difficult though. Well done for keeping your cool so far. I'd want to punch him and shout abuse.

It's natural to want to explode, rage at him, punish him for what he has done and of course he deserves this. But that will make him belligerent and more difficult to deal with. I would keep him in the dark so he goes quietly, just like a little lamb, a little knock knee'd lamb.
I would try not to reveal what you know, not to humiliate him because that will create an incentive for him to get revenge on you and humiliate you.
Cut all ties and leave him to his own fate.

I once read on MN a poster who played the ultimate game of keeping power dry.

She found out about the affair, she never said a word about it. She told her H that she didn't find him attractive anymore and they mutually decided to divorce. XH thought he'd won the lottery since he didn't have to reveal his sordid affair so was very reasonable in the financial settlement. The whole thing ended quite calmly and without animosity.

XH 'found' his OW new partner very quickly after the marriage ended 🙄.

She found out through their son that her XH suffered terribly with depression as a result of her rejection of him poor lamb and it affected his relationship with OW.

She got away unscathed but I guess a lot of it was to do with disengaging with him and being able to focus on herself.

A very long game but she held on to her mental health.

Remember he’s had more than two years to detach from you and you are playing catch up.
That pp who wrote about the woman who agreed with her husband to go through with the divorce sounds like she got it right.
Just agree with him, you feel emotionally detached too and best to have a tidy divorce. You can spill out all your emotional stuff on your therapist, bottle of wine and friend.
Keep your powder dry as they say, he certainly has.

Sounds like it's 'the script'. Don't forget he's got the edge on you as he's already detached.
He could have already started to squirrel stuff away HOWEVER
Can you use his work trip to sort out paperwork that you can find - pensions, investments, bank statements, deeds, mortgages etc.
If he thinks you're still reeling from his announcement then he might not realise that you're even thinking of doing this.
Photocopy it & ask a friend to keep it all safe.

Joint bank account? Get some into a back account in your name so he can't spend it all.

Then divorce as & when you want.

send his mum screenshots of his adulterer text messages (she despises adulterers)
I completely understand your impulse to do this.
But I don't think it's a good idea, she won't want to see him as a bad person and her mind will reach for ways to blame you for whatever has happened.

I agree, this will be more for myself rather than anyone else. I'll see how i feel down the line...not revealing anything yet.

yes I will try to do this. so far found very little...

I don't think I can do this. He always has this arrogant attitude that he is more clever than anyone. And I can't wait for the moment to reveal that I have outsmarted him ages ago, got all the proof, and was strong enough to sit on it without showing my cards. Thats a satisfaction I will not let pass. Again, this might be more for my own benefit, but it feels important.

I bet it does! You're doing fine @Whatachliche so try your hardest to keep your cool.

It must be agonising though.

this arrogant attitude that he is more clever than anyone
If you expose him he will likely try to punish you, so at the very least I would retreat to a safe distance/make sure he has no leverage over you
(I'd say his attitude will get him an arse kicking at some point in any case)

OP, you're doing brilliantly.
It's so difficult to appear calm when dealing with all this.

Line up yourself ducks quietly, get some legal advice and off load here.

We're all rooting for you. A lovely calm life away from a cheater awaits you!

can you help me with this denial thing I'm experiencing? when I read their messages I'm somehow convinced thats not him writing those. When on the phone to him, I he sounds so normal and so 'him' that I'm suddenly convinced that it MUST all be a misunderstanding. that he will be back at home and will be able to explain and it will all make sense and all will be ok. Is this normal? Is this part of the process?

I think it’s totally normal. He is acting one person to you, one person you have KNOWN for 25 years, but the messages are a completely different side to him that you don’t even recognise, the betrayal is unrecognisable.

But that’s also because he doesn’t know you know, if he did you would see yet another side to him. Your head and your heart are battling each other, trying to make sense of this, but how can you, when your being lied too, your heart is being lied to by him which is why it’s having a hard time matching him up to the person who wrote those messages to the OW.

Always follow the head over the heart anyway, this is real life, not a fairy tale.

That’s because he’s very good at compartmentalising. He’s one person with you and then goes to his OW and is another person with her. You can’t reconcile how he can be so nice/normal to you and then be going off messaging her and telling her whatever shite he’s telling her. This is because YOU are an honest person so you can’t wrap your head around it or under stay the extent of the mental gymnastics he must be doing in order to keep everything separate and also convince himself he’s a “good guy”

Im the poster who told you earlier in the thread about being the OW in this situation and how he basically fed me a string of lies (lovebombing, breadcrumbing, future faking, you name it) telling me it was over between him and his wife, that she was mentally ill etc (when in actual fact she was oblivious and had no MH issues!)

When I found out the truth and the reality that he had simply been lying to me I was in utter shock. I thought, like you, it must be a big misunderstanding and he would come along and set me straight. He didn’t though, he simply went into urgent damage limitation with his wife and demonised me (she’s a psycho, she pursued me and wouldn’t leave me alone etc) to get her to stay with him.

I now realise he’s actually a textbook narcissist and sociopath - your dh is possibly one too. I’ve been watching lots of videos on Instagram (try Elizabeth Shaw and Shadow DeAngelis for short, succinct breakdowns of narcissistic character traits) and it’ll help you to understand why he is capable of doing what he’s done and why you are left feeling so traumatised and blindsided.

It’s a personality disorder and if you had full disclosure you’d probably find he lies about lots of stuff to you and in other areas of his life. People don’t just wake up in their 30’s/40’s/50’s and decide to start lying and leading double lives.

I bet he told you you were paranoid/crazy too? Prepare for him to threaten to hurt himself/and/or rip you to shreds and ruin your reputation to friends/family when you threaten to expose him.

As hard as it is, the best thing you can do to these people is completely grey rock them/don’t give out any info. You have to cut off their air supply and act like they don’t matter to you -that’s the best and only revenge with narcissists.

That overwhelming urge to fall back into his arms, believe what he wants you to believe and let all this stress go away.
I remember it so well, but then you're back in the same dynamic, the same cycle.

The temptation to reread their messages must be so great but stop. It is not achieving anything, except hurting yourself. You have seen who he is and are getting your ducks in a row. Once the financials and divorce is in order, do and say what you like.

I know of one wife who posted the whole village with pics of the OW and the messages exchanged between her and ex husband during his affair. OW presented herself locally as a cut above everyone else and knew she was helping along with the husband to break up a previously happy family. Some justice for the innocent wife as until then she had kept her dignity and silence. It was upon discovering her ex husband had rewritten the narrative of their marriage in the local, blaming wife for being a mental despot and he the victim, she felt compelled to speak up. She waited until the house had been signed over to her for the children.

It's shock and grief
I think it's some tactic the brain uses to defend itself
It's not particularly useful though and you'll soon stop feeling like this
When I came downstairs to find my exh absolutely sackless shitfaced drunk with our baby one morning my mind went to 'nah this can't be real , he must be pretending to be drunk so that I start an argument and then he will just stop pretending and have a go at me for having a go at him ' but no , he was hammered . First thing in the morning .

I think you're disassociating and you're in shock. It's a trauma response. You don't realise it but you're also grieving. Your emotions will be all over the place, be prepared for that.

Just because you're feeling relatively calm right now, don't think you'll always feel that way, because when the emotions hit, they will blindside you.

Just take it one step at a time. You're doing brilliantly. I wish you all the best.

It's natural @Whatachliche and I agree with others its shock & grief...Especially as this whole thing has sort of come out of the blue for you. It takes time to get your head around and I'm so sorry you're going through this.

We're here for you