Is this the script? Handhold please

[Whatachliche]

I can't believe I'm typing this - after 25 years my HB wants to move out.

When he left for a recent work trip, we were both set to work on our relationship with a therapist. after his return, he has a new gym routine, bought new underwear and has decided he is not feeling emotionally connected to me anymore and he is too 'confused' to know what he wants.

This is the f* script right?

there have been struggles like loss and illness and an unhealthy communication style from his side but we just started couples therapy to work on our relationship and turn things around. now this.

Do I entertain his quest for space or do I believe the signs of the script and just start divorce? I don't want to look through his phone, I think I can't deal with the truth. I rather walk away without knowing if that makes sense, or is that just the fear of no point of return?

I would say he might be the type but he knows too well that when I'm done I'm done.

You are giving me too much credit. I'm still creating revenge scenarios in my head and working on the most cutting way to reveal the fact that I knew all along. Not the high road at all!

After listening a lot to Tracy Schorn and Dr. Omar Minwalla psychology of why cheating is abuse I'm not letting this go without some sort of revenge or getting the last word when the time is right. It is the closure I haven't had yet, and I will deliver it with precision instead of anger.

@Whatachliche Tracy would say if it feels good don’t do it. You’re just giving them centrality. Pour all your energy into you. You deserve it.

you are so right! 😂 clearly getting to that point is part of the very long process. I'm not there yet.

You will get there soon @Whatachliche, you have already come so far 😘

You are giving me too much credit. I'm still creating revenge scenarios in my head and working on the most cutting way to reveal the fact that I knew all along. Not the high road at all!

That's normal, after all you've been through.

The legal process is coming to an end. I’ll be divorced soon, both financially as well as legally. our flat’s title is in the process to be transferred to my name, I will be buying him out. If I ever confront him, the time has come.
I don’t know how. I don’t know if I will fall apart if I tell him I know about his affair and he will just be cold and careless. I want to be strong and unbothered but what if I can’t deliver this? How would you confront him? I do think a final confrontation is important for my healing process.

I think the biggest revenge you can have is by living your best life without him.

One day soon he will regret his choices, that’s part of the script too. So is the happy ever after that you will live being the best version of yourself.

Keep going xx

You have done so well to manage thus far, really pleased to hear that the divorce will be through soon.

I can completely understand the need for confrontation but, from experience, have some concerns. Ultimately what do you want from the confrontation, he will be cold and careless and it may well feel like a let down after all of the build up. I was left wishing I hadn't said anything.

If you want him to know that you know he had an affair, there are ways to do that which don't need a response from him.

Maybe, as others have said, you are best to focus on living well and getting your revenge that way.

When everything is settled and the flat’s in your name write him a letter detailing everything, how long you’ve known etc. Then block him and have nothing to do with the nasty bellend ever again.

I fear a confrontation won’t end well for you as you’re still emotionally invested and he checked out long ago. He’ll probably just stick the boot in more, you’ll get angry/upset and he won’t give you the acknowledgment or apology you want.

Id probably just write something along the lines of “Oh just in case you were thinking otherwise - I’ve known since such-a-date about your sordid affairs since I discovered your emails to several other women”. It’ll probably give him a bit of a shock at the very least.

Hi OP!

Well, that's good news. I'm sure you're glad that the flat is almost legally yours.

It's been many months, hasn't it? But you're nearly there.

Has he got anything at all still in the flat? Because if he has, I think it would be sweet justice to let him come round to pick it up, then say casually (as he's leaving)

"So. Are you taking that to Sally's, or Claire's or Monica's? Or are you going to live with some other random woman?"

And then see his face. I'd add:

"I've known about all of them since the beginning of March, you arsehole. Did you really think I believed you when you said there wasn't anyone else? You didn't do a very good job of covering your tracks"

And then slam the door in his face.

I've just found your post OP.

What an amazing Woman you are.

Let everything settle for a while and then work on your next project "letting him know "

Maybe along the lines of " I played you at your own game "

Which you did,and the prize was being able to buy the arsehole out of YOUR flat.

Have a think about what you want to say and why. Consider what motivates you to want to do it and make sure the reasons benefit you.
I would write it all down first, all of it, just a stream of consciousness, no matter how angry or jumbled it comes out. Let rip on paper and let the emotions go with it. Add things to it as you think of them or they occur to you throughout the day.
Then sleep on it and read what you wrote the next day.
Narrow it down to the most important parts, rewrite those in a calm and dignified tone, and prepare yourself to either say it face to face or even post it to him in a letter if you are worried about keeping it together.
You might even decide that writing it out was enough and you don’t need the actual conversation.
Hopefully you can work through the most emotional parts in private on paper, then prepare a carefully honed version ready to say or post. Of course it will be harder and more emotional face to face, so if it was me I’d prepare it first.
Maybe use headings a bit like these to write under: (invent your own obviously)
What do I want him to know?
Why?
How will it benefit me and my mental health/ closure to say these things?
What repercussions could it have? eg personal safety and the possibility of receiving replies that might hurt me further and once said I cannot unhear.
You’ve come a long way already and it would be a great shame if this jeopardised your recovery from such a horrible experience. Only you know how it will benefit you, so think it through then decide if and/ or what you need him to hear.
Best of luck, you sound like you’re going incredibly well.

all very wise responses. thank you - this really helps. the reasons why I want to confront him :

• he thinks he is so clever to have been hiding his affairs from me. I want him to know that he has been outsmarted.

• he wants to stay in the area and buy his own property close by. I don't want this. I want him to understand that I and my friends, some of them are neighbours, know what he did. This might encourage him to seek more physical distance when chiding his love-nest with OW.

• I desperately want a feeling of closure. I haven't quite gotten there yet. PP in this thread pulled me up previously saying that avoiding confrontation with him might create a sense of 'we are not over yet' . I do think this is true and I feel confronting him might give me closure. there is a real risk of course, that it might achieve the opposite.

creating not chinding 🤦‍♀️

You’ve had some good advice here about thinking carefully about what you want to get out of a confrontation conversation. He sounds so emotionally uninvested I think it could backfire and leave you feeling worse.
If you decide it’s revenge you’re after I’d think about how you can hit him where it’ll hurt - which I’d say is the OW. Is she still on the scene?
You could contact the OW directly and explain to her that you’ve known about her all along - and all the other women, explain how you were delighted he was having an affair and you were able to get rid, but have been playing him at his own game so as to max out your divorce as he’s not as bright as he thinks. Then share the correspondence between himself and all the other OW with her. Reveal him to be the awful man that he is, but in a way that shows you not to be bitter but far smarter than him, and far better off without him.
And don’t say anything to him 😉

Do you use social media at all?

I'd be soooooo tempted to post once the legal side is done

"For those who aren't in my closest circle of friends EX and I are now divorced so he can swan off with one of the many women he's been cheating on me with for the last X years. They are soooooo welcome to him."

Then accidentally tag him in it.

Sorry @Whatachliche cross-posted and missed your reasons for wanting to do this.
The social periah motive looks like a good focus for your conversation- shaming him with ‘everyone knows the truth’ might hit home. And I’d still want to OW to know all about the other OW, and that from your perspective he’s no prize and you’re well shot.
Good luck, I hope it brings you the closure you so deserve.

I would just say, "oh and by the way I've known all along about the OW, and now everyone else does too., I've just been biding my time til I've gotten what I want, ie flat. now you can fuck off, OW is very welcome to you. bye

Once it's all finished send OW a bouquet or cards if there are a lot of them, with a card saying Good luck Bebe, he's your now 🤙🏼 love watcha 🫶🏼

Personally, I think any face to face confrontation shows you still care, and are hurt, and will play into his hands. He probably knows you know on some level. One thing for sure, he’ll laugh because he really doesn’t care. I don’t think it will be quite the moment you have been hoping for. I feel that never saying anything at all would be your best tactic. He’ll expect a mouthful at some point and it will be satisfying to know he never got that. Certainly say nothing until you are legally divorced and the flat is all yours.

I would also wait to see if he throws it at you for a final chance to hurt you. Which he probably will. Because I also think he’s been waiting to get the final word in if he thinks he’s been so clever. Then instead of the shock or outrage he is expecting, you can chuckle /shrug and say, ‘Oh yeah, I know all about Jessica. And Jennifer. And what’s her name. Good luck trying to be faithful to whichever one is mad enough to take you on.’ I think this would be far more satisfying.

Absolute indifference to him is the only thing that will hurt. You can’t win any games with these types. They don’t care and they know how to hurt you.

Well done OP. You’ve been brilliant! I’m so glad you’re keeping your home.

💐

Don't say anything until everything is legally finalised. The right opportunity will present itself if it's meant to be. If not you take your settlement and enjoy the rest of your life knowing that your ex husband is a piece of shit you are well rid of.

He wants to test drive the new mistress and have the opportunity to come back If it doesn’t work out. Which of course most likely won’t.
Just ask him to move out. Don’t make yourself an option. Pull the plug and let him drown in the new affair. Once the novelty wears off he will most likely want to come back. Don’t give him this option. Respect yourself. I wouldn’t allow to become the “safety net” for a man in case his conquest with another woman doesn’t work.

I wouldn't confront him, you will show to many emotions. I'd be passing evidence to those who it will hurt him most, other OWs to OW etc.

You can sit at home calmly knowing that he's suffering greatly and the realisation that you knew so much.

Whatever game he thinks he's been playing you play the final shot