Is this the script? Handhold please

[Whatachliche]

I can't believe I'm typing this - after 25 years my HB wants to move out.

When he left for a recent work trip, we were both set to work on our relationship with a therapist. after his return, he has a new gym routine, bought new underwear and has decided he is not feeling emotionally connected to me anymore and he is too 'confused' to know what he wants.

This is the f* script right?

there have been struggles like loss and illness and an unhealthy communication style from his side but we just started couples therapy to work on our relationship and turn things around. now this.

Do I entertain his quest for space or do I believe the signs of the script and just start divorce? I don't want to look through his phone, I think I can't deal with the truth. I rather walk away without knowing if that makes sense, or is that just the fear of no point of return?

@Whatachliche

I'm so glad you 'found your stride'. That's sort of how I thought of it when I realized that I was actually doing fine emotionally and getting things done rather 'effortlessly'. You don't realize you're there until suddenly BOOM you just are!

Yeah, the unnecessary "See what a big man I am invading your space" and endless stupid and pointless communications. I think that happens mainly because they suddenly realize that you just don't care anymore. And they can't handle it. You were the main audience to "The <insert his name> Show" and they played to a packed house and thunderous applause every night. Now 'suddenly' the audience is gone and they're standing alone on an empty stage waving their arms & shouting the same old lines to an empty auditorium. Pathetic. You know, I suppose it was 'small' of me to enjoy that stage of the breakup immensely. But I did. And I silently sniggered as I thought this:

"Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks! rage! blow!
You cataracts and hurricanoes, spout
Till you have drench’d our steeples, drown’d the cocks!
You sulphurous and thought-executing fires,
Vaunt-couriers to oak-cleaving thunderbolts,
Singe my white head! And thou, all-shaking thunder,
Smite flat the thick rotundity o’ the world!
Crack nature’s moulds, an germens spill at once,
That make ingrateful man!"

I know the meaning of the speech as spoken by Lear doesn't directly apply, but the visual picture was simply peachy.

I never saw your thread before, OP, but having read through it today I'm just in awe of your magnificence as an eagle!

This sounds a lot like my first marriage. Like you, I was forever on the back foot. Like you, I struggled terribly with grief and loss despite all the evidence that life would be better without him. For me it wasn't so much a belief in us as a great couple, more that I had a vision of him as a noble but intensely private soul to whom I had privileged access. Together, we faced an alien and often hostile world, and I could not imagine making sense of it without him.

Like you, we lived together uncomfortably for many weeks before I finally had my own space. And then, I gradually became aware that I wasn't missing him at all. I felt a bit of a chump, to be honest, as though I'd tricked myself all those years into thinking I was in love with a good man, when in reality I seemed to be under the control of someone whose mental health (in retrospect) was questionable. I never noticed it until later, though, because it was always me being accused of madness, coldness, etc.

After a lot of trial and error, I met someone amazing and am truly happy in my second marriage. I'd also have been happy alone. I learned to understand and value myself. I hope you do too, you sound absolutely fucking awesome.

Which reminds me. Just because your DH found a younger woman attractive enough to distract him from you, not all men are that shallow. Please don't feel you're fighting a losing battle. You're amazing! 🤩🌟💗

@Whatachliche 🙌🏼♥️ the anger and clarity always come. It's so hard to give into it because it seems so final. The truth is this is the start of something new. For the first time in a long time you can put yourself first. It's time to think about how you want your life to be. No more compromises x

I’ve been on your thread from the start OP and you’ve had a long and arduous journey to get where you are now. I’m so pleased you are finally coming out the other side, that you are feeling much more positive and are getting on with and enjoying your life without him is fantastic. I bet he can’t believe it and that’s why he’s frantically vying for your attention as a last ditch attempt to see if he still has any control over you.

Im waiting for the day you post to say he’s finally gone, the divorce is through and you need never have anything to do with the utter bellend ever again! I may even pull a party popper on your behalf 😂

You are an inspiration OP!!

You're a true inspiration xx

You are amazing - I hope your strength continues to grow and that you can now start the most wonderful next stage of your life ❤️

How are you getting on, @Whatachliche?

I felt a bit hesitant to come back to the thread as a wave of sadness has me in its grip recently. sadness and panic attacks. I do understand myself well enough to know physical movement is what brings my mind calmness and peace, but sometimes I wait too long to get going and exercise to snap out of it.

He is more removed from my life than ever and when we have to communicate I finally notice his shortcomings. He is desperately trying to build a life with OW1 ... who is still living with her husband. I think she might stay with her husband which is the punishment ex deserves.

I try not to be too hard on myself and I understand healing is not a linear path...
I'm still educating myself about covert narcissist control and emotional abuse - he ticks so many boxes. I understand now that the reason my reaction was so off and void of anger is due to a trauma bond these kind of abusive relationships create. I learned so much about the psychological mechanisms, but it still feels like I'm applying the knowledge to strangers instead of myself and ex. I have a long way to go to recover.
On practical notes, I managed to work through some major obstacles but am now in a realistic position to buy him out of the property. I lost sight for a moment what an amazing achievement this will be once completed, so I try not to get ahead of myself and wait for the big exhale and some celebrations once it is done.
Not sure if I mentioned this yet but I have lined up some travelling in the next month, I'm not waiting for the future gor anything anymore. my time is now.

and thanks @TheShellBeach for checking in. I know we are all strangers in a digital world but the support on this thread was and is a lifeline.

@Whatachliche I'm so pleased to read your update. You should be very proud of yourself x

You will feel so much "safer" when you have bought him out. Your safe haven.
He meanwhile will be desperately clinging on to the shreds of his ruined life.
It's SO normal to have deep sorrow & reminisce over the calm contented life you had. the "Why, oh Why".
It is a bereavement, & you have dealt with it blow by blow.
Get your running shoes on, get outside & breath in the Autumn air.
You are getting there

Good to hear from you and I think this is a really positive update. You're going to be grieving and it won't be a straight upwards path, but it does sound like you are putting your life together in a wonderful way. Calm and safety await you once your home is entirely your own. And travels will bring adventure and new experiences to lift you up. I'm happy for you!

I'm happy for you too @Whatachliche

It sounds like you've made some positive moves.

Recovering from grief always takes much longer than we imagine. You're doing fine!

I'm glad that OW1 hasn't made any moves to leave her husband. I expect yours is wondering what's going to happen next. He deserves all he gets.

You are doing so well. You're such a strong person. I am on day four and your posts are quite inspirational

@Whatachliche if she doesn’t leave her husband, is he the type to come back to you and expect you to welcome him back do you think?

What a very encouraging update OP, you are moving forward really well.

@Whatachliche

The sadness rolls in, but it will also roll out. In the meantime you just get on with being you.

I'm so glad you've managed the 'logistics' of buying him out. I know that your home means a lot to you.

"I'm not waiting for the future gor anything anymore. my time is now."

It certainly is!! What's the line from the song? "Future's so bright I gotta wear shades"? Put on those shades and shine!

Op I felt learning about these things was so helpful and validating and helped me make sense of everything.

BUT I also noticed that it made me a bit obsessive - especially as the social media algorithms do their thing. I can go down rabbit holes about this which leads me thinking about him all the time.

Please check yourself if this is happening and ensure you become equally as obsessed with your own life and looking after yourself and your glow up and having fun. Fun travel
Plans sounds like a great start!

I found love life by Matthew hussey a great kind and positive healing read.

Lots of love xx

your kind words and praise are giving me imposter syndrome 😂 I don't feel I'm doing that well.

I can only describe it as: I don't think I'm doing better. But I learnt to deal with it better - if that makes sense.

I now also know I WILL be better at some point, something I didn't feel in my heart before.

The list of red flags I have missed is getting quite long. Highlight of the list: he never wore his wedding ring. Yeah, I'm a fool.

Yeah, I'm a fool

No, no - he's the fool, for losing such a good woman.

Your posts ooze integrity and honesty. His behaviour is simply reprehensible.

You’re not a fool, you’re an amazing woman, who’s been treated awfully.
onwards & upwards.

That made me snort with derision.
Mine neither ever wore his wedding ring, bar an hour or so the day we got married !
He insisted he gave one, & it cost more than mine !!!

I’m glad you are doing well OP x
Have you remembered to change your ex so he’s no longer a beneficiary on any pensions , will , insurance etc

yes I did all of this right in the beginning. It was slightly odd, I wasn't able to feel angry, but the one thing I absolutely could channel was practical thinking and organising.