Is this the script? Handhold please

[Whatachliche]

I can't believe I'm typing this - after 25 years my HB wants to move out.

When he left for a recent work trip, we were both set to work on our relationship with a therapist. after his return, he has a new gym routine, bought new underwear and has decided he is not feeling emotionally connected to me anymore and he is too 'confused' to know what he wants.

This is the f* script right?

there have been struggles like loss and illness and an unhealthy communication style from his side but we just started couples therapy to work on our relationship and turn things around. now this.

Do I entertain his quest for space or do I believe the signs of the script and just start divorce? I don't want to look through his phone, I think I can't deal with the truth. I rather walk away without knowing if that makes sense, or is that just the fear of no point of return?

@Whatachliche

My mental health might improve without him, so why am I still so sad about losing him and our relationship? I do miss him, I even dreamt about him recently. In my dream I was clinging on to him in tears.

It's not him, not at all. It's the 'death of the dream'. You had a life you loved, you dreamed of your 'golden years' together. Now that is all gone and he did it to you. So no, it's not him you miss. What you miss is the dream of what your life with him was supposed to be. It's ok to mourn that dream. It can be hard to separate him from the dream, but it can be done. You just have to keep reminding yourself in those moments of missing him, that it's not really him you're missing, it's the dream. But you will have a new dream in your new life. And it will be one of happiness, peace, and calm.

I know you said you were going to wait for therapy until you get things sorted. But do you think that therapy might help you get them sorted with less emotion and more, idk, emotional strength?

As others have said, it's grief. Grief of losing a dream, grief over what was had and lost.
I've had it too. I know I won't get over certain very cruel behaviours that I didn't deserve but he felt he had to punish me for saying 'No. you will not cheat on me again. I'm not going to do the pick me dance again. I'm done'

I've got past other things ( it's been nearly 3 years for me) and I have a lot more inner peace most of the time but the rejection and the cruel behaviour that I had meted out to me has damaged me but I'm learning to live with it as an experience. It doesn't define me.
I'd recommend therapy now for yourself, even if it's just to let go and cry to a stranger for an hour. Don't put it off.
I had therapy and without it I would have gone totally crazy I think. It kept in the right space to deal with the practicalities.

Thoughts with you OP. Be brave

@AcrossthePond55 thanks for articulating this, I felt this, but is was more tangled in my head and your words pulled the feeling into sharper focus:

*It's not him, not at all. It's the 'death of the dream'. You had a life you loved, you dreamed of your 'golden years' together. Now that is all gone and he did it to you. So no, it's not him you miss. What you miss is the dream of what your life with him was supposed to be.
*
You are right. a lot of my plans relied on being in a team, having a partner. Taking risks, financially and career wise is so much easier if you are in a team. I feel stifled andy options feel cut. But I rarely sit at home and think oh I wish he was here now. It is about the plans I made for the future that I feel robbed the most. I know I have to pick myself up and make it all happen alone. But do you know the feeling of being just so tired of it all and just wanting an easy ride for a bit.

Therapy: yes, I need therapy. ideally now. but In reality I have to put my money where it serves me the most, which at the moment is the lawyer that is advising me. I can't afford both. In the meantime I'm gathering lot of resources in the form of books (Vikki Starks Runaway Husbands has been an eye opener) and Chump Ladies book, blog and podcast are helpful.

@Whatachliche

Taking risks, financially and career wise is so much easier if you are in a team. I feel stifled and options feel cut

Maybe try to reframe it as now being able to make financial & career decisions based on what you want rather than having to compromise or consider another person's desires. And knowing that another person isn't going to be able to mess your decisions up or suddenly refuse to go along with them. In other words, freedom. It may not be a freedom that you chose, but you can make the best of it. Although our situations are different in that I was glad to see the back of my exH, the feeling of absolute freedom once I got over the emotional 'stuff' was amazing. I think once you get through this whole 'ordeal', you'll have that same feeling.

but In reality I have to put my money where it serves me the most, which at the moment is the lawyer that is advising me.

I agree with this 1000%. Good legal advice is priceless. You can power through the emotion for now knowing that you're putting the money to its best use.

Therapy can wait awhile longer because you're 'mindful' of your MH. You'll know if that changes.

Two updates.

My thinking pattern has evolved slightly from 'how could you do this to me' to
'can you please just leave me alone' I find myself more often annoyed these days than sad.

He is making every exchange as complicated and longwinded as possible. The smallest detail, he makes difficult. It is really helpful actually to move on - my god I just need him to stay away.

The other change is that I keep having vivid dreams about him. That frequency is new. The latest one is him and his brother and his mother in the most expensive impressive hotel. I'm finally there to confront him. I'm able to say all I want to throw at him, but when talking to his family, I'm losing my voice.

There - Freud away. It's clearly basic psychology about losing my voice. And about the need to confront the situation, this is not going away. I plan of confronting him once the financials are settled, which is still some time away.

@Whatachliche are you seeing a counsellor?

They would really be able to help you navigate all this. You need someone in your 'corner'

Yes that was a lot of my feeling when it happened to me 30 years ago.

ABBA- The Winner Takes It All sums it up.

You will move on OP. But this feeling is very real. Counselling will help for sure. Hugs.

Yes mine did this too, to the extent my grandchildren believe his narrative. I am painted as the unreasonable one.

My ex has had a fabulous and charmed life since he left me with 3 small children and ran off with my wealthy friend. I have never fully recovered financially. It had been the biggest blot on my life however successful I have managed to be.

Update: I'm much more calm overall and slowly see all the ways he has been toxic. I'm less stressed in my daily life. The vivid dreams about him continue though.
I listened to Chump Ladies podcast about 'I should have left him when ...' and decided to make my own list of situations when I should have LTB. My god it's long. How did I gloss over his sometimes outrageous behaviours? I do understand he made up for the horrible moments with extra sweet moments, but my god I've been a mug at times.
He continues to be difficult and longwinded when we need to communicate about divorce signatures etc. He is driving me mad. In all fairness - I don't think this is a new behaviour, he always was complicating things to a degree, I was just used to it and now I see how exhausting he is. In this vein, guess what has disappeared together with him? My unexplained fatigue, which I was seeing a number of doctors for 🤷‍♀️
Another thing that has surfaced is white hot rage - in short bursts and it is so severe I am scared of it. it takes over me and i feel completely out of control. I recognise it is not a healthy kind of anger.

Don't be scared of your anger. Find a way to work with it. Anger is a natural response to being mistreated, but you've pushed it down and rejected it for so long that it has been eating you up - exhausting you, depressing you - and now you finally have given it an outlet, it feels huge, like it's going to overwhelm you. It won't. It needs expression. Try to find ways to let your anger out. Could be physical - boxing, running, going to a quiet place and screaming - and also writing and talking will help. "I'm angry because..." fill in the blanks and let it all out. Don't hurt yourself or others. A good therapist will really help but in the meantime find ways to let your anger out.

I had dreams about an ex for a couple of years. In the last one, I told him to piss off. Was lovely.

@taylorswift1989 good advice - i did manage to go for a run when the anger hit, I never run that far or fast before. I'm not a sporty person. It felt great. The anger definitely feels overwhelming and I understand it is from pushing it down for so long.

breakthrough moment?! I'm looking forward to that stage

The more you let it out/express it, the less overwhelming it will feel. Maybe have "anger hour" every day, where you give over to your anger in whatever way works for you. I think you'll be surprised how soon you start to feel more in control and calmer. It's good to have someone hear you - maybe a helpline or online counselling could be good (cheap) just to express your anger to someone. Writing helps. Write letters to your ex and others (don't send them!) Write a letter to your former self who accepted mistreatment. Put a pillow over your face and scream into it. It's got to come out, so give it lots of ways to do so.

@Whatachliche please can you share the link to the podcast? Should like good listening

I found it a life saver. especially the episodes from 2023 (secret sexual basement, and the podcast with guest Vikki Stark)

podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/tell-me-how-youre-mighty-real-talk-about-cheating/id1703987977

The healing process now feels rapid. I couldn't snap out of the sad stage for such a long time, and after a few bursts of anger I am now just really calm.

I ignore him when he comes to pick up stuff from the flat, he likes to come and make it known that he still has legal rights to the property and makes a big show of that. Usually I am too busy to engage or will leave the flat just as he arrives. my answers to his tales on the rare occasion he manages to talk to me: 'thats nice' and 'ok' and 'aha'.

He is leaving lengthly texts to discuss things that don't need to be discussed, which I only check every 3 days and answer with ideally one word answers. I'm now just waiting for the divorce to be finalised.

I have started a new hobby and I love it. I have booked a trip to a place I always wanted to go, I will do part of the travels alone and will meet people there for the other half.

I started OLD which is depressing on one hand and freeing on the other - in my age I don't think OLD is going to work, I'm competing with women 15 years younger than me. In a way this also feels quite freeing as I will not put a lot of effort in this. I decided to put my time and energy in travelling, should I meet a romantic partner this way, then that's a bonus.

For everyone who promised it will get better on the other side - you were right.

Aww that's brilliant, OP! You sound like you're in a much better place. And bonus that your grey rocking will be absolutely annoying and frustrating to your ex, who will be wondering why his tactics aren't working on you. Travel and adventure sound like a great antidote to the control and stress you were subjected to for so long. I'm so happy for you!

I'm glad you've made such massive strides forwards.

The world is your oyster!

Jeez, what a brilliant update!

Good news OP. Very satisfying grey rocking there - especially in person! I also love how you often go out when he appears. He’ll hate that.

Be prepared for him to panic that you are indifferent to him so that he tries to prove he can get you back. If he’s a narc type he will start to see you as the new shiny thing.

OLD is mostly awful I agree. Although I know a couple of people who met good ones that way. I found the younger men were the most respectful. Your travel plans sound exciting. You’ll meet someone at some point but also enjoy this time finding out about you!

💐

It's been eight months since your first post and look how far you've come in that time.

I'm really happy for you @Whatachliche

This is fantastic to read. You've become independent of him.

OP, your first six months sounded pretty dire. I don’t know where you found the extra gear from, but your update is such a turnaround. Happiness and health to you always.