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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this the script? Handhold please

995 replies

Whatachliche · 10/02/2024 21:37

I can't believe I'm typing this - after 25 years my HB wants to move out.

When he left for a recent work trip, we were both set to work on our relationship with a therapist. after his return, he has a new gym routine, bought new underwear and has decided he is not feeling emotionally connected to me anymore and he is too 'confused' to know what he wants.

This is the f* script right?

there have been struggles like loss and illness and an unhealthy communication style from his side but we just started couples therapy to work on our relationship and turn things around. now this.

Do I entertain his quest for space or do I believe the signs of the script and just start divorce? I don't want to look through his phone, I think I can't deal with the truth. I rather walk away without knowing if that makes sense, or is that just the fear of no point of return?

OP posts:
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Original poster
Whatachliche · 15/04/2024 12:18

@Acornsoup he is a monster but in excellent disguise with lots of ups and downs in the abusive cycle. It will not surprise you that my upbringing wasn't exactly ideal. When I met him I thought he is my saviour that will help me to get away from a difficult family dynamic.
I worked hard, with the help of a therapist, to become a happy, positive person. but even with therapy, it seems I didn't manage identifying damaging relationships at all. I actually never liked to talk about my H in therapy, it was all about family - possibly an unconscious decision, as it would have been too much to face?

OP posts:
Cathbrownlow · 15/04/2024 13:50

I'm another stranger on the internet with a more than passing understanding about what you're going through, OP. I wish you nothing but good things for your future. One day this will be all over.

TheShellBeach · 15/04/2024 14:49

We're all here with you, @Whatachliche

You're suffering this now, but you're not alone.

Acornsoup · 15/04/2024 15:04

You are doing so well OP don't be hard on yourself. You can go through all of this in therapy when you have a safe distance between you. Keep taking another step forward.

Mix56 · 16/04/2024 13:17

I agree. You need to deal with the here & now.
You need to have your own space to collect your thoughts & heal.

Whats his plan? To make life so miserable that you leave?

Original poster
Whatachliche · 16/04/2024 19:40

my guess - he won't move till OW is ready to leave her husband.

OP posts:
Imjustagirlintheworld · 16/04/2024 19:47

Whatachliche · 16/04/2024 19:40

my guess - he won't move till OW is ready to leave her husband.

That’s probably not going to happen though!

As I’ve said before - I’d just ask him to leave at this point, tell him you know about OW and if he won’t, move into rented and get the flat on the market.

I don’t really get all the rabbit and eagle stuff if the main goal is to divorce and move on with your life. I don’t think this horrid man is going to play nice with you at any point. You’ve gone along with everything he’s wanted so far and he’s still getting angry with you and stalling moving out. He’ll be a dick regardless and is going to try and protect himself 🤷‍♀️

TheShellBeach · 16/04/2024 20:00

Whatachliche · 16/04/2024 19:40

my guess - he won't move till OW is ready to leave her husband.

Ah, but which OW?

Original poster
Whatachliche · 16/04/2024 20:20

my money is on OW1, those messages read intimate and personal, that seems to be much more than a physical affair. and she was the only one he discussed future plans with, which made it particularly painful to read.

OP posts:
BigAnne · 17/04/2024 00:15

Imjustagirlintheworld · 16/04/2024 19:47

That’s probably not going to happen though!

As I’ve said before - I’d just ask him to leave at this point, tell him you know about OW and if he won’t, move into rented and get the flat on the market.

I don’t really get all the rabbit and eagle stuff if the main goal is to divorce and move on with your life. I don’t think this horrid man is going to play nice with you at any point. You’ve gone along with everything he’s wanted so far and he’s still getting angry with you and stalling moving out. He’ll be a dick regardless and is going to try and protect himself 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

If OP leaves he could fuck up sale of flat. Not be available for viewings etc. This would mean OP spending excessive amounts of money renting.

Mix56 · 19/04/2024 07:25

Has anything moved on at all ?
Is he open to a real conversation about the flat, you buy him out, (if its what you'd like?,) or Sale.
Does he want to buy You out ?
In the worst scenario would it be a good solution to get out & live again.
The divorce is happening so he has to face up to the carnage He has created

TheShellBeach · 19/04/2024 11:17

The divorce is happening so he has to face up to the carnage he has created

Men like this generally prefer women to clear up their carnage.
It's easier for them.
Hmm

Mix56 · 19/04/2024 11:31

I agree wholeheartedly.
Except in view of his ego he will be unlikely to let OP take charge.
If the OW has refused at the last hurdle, & he has debts, he may have discovered that the bank is not financing his new project & half the equity of the flat is not sufficient to purchase a property as nice as the one he had !!!

Mix56 · 22/04/2024 10:23

I hope you are OK Whatacliche ?

Original poster
Whatachliche · 22/04/2024 23:16

thanks for checking in! I'm coasting along... I hate having to share the flat with him but he insists moving out is completely impossible financially. I'm throwing myself into work and am out of the house most of the day.
there was a period of him 'hoovering' me back into his spell, but I could see what he was doing...it was painful to see his lovely side again, and confusing...so to make myself stop falling for it, I questioned some of his obvious lies and he turned angry and resentful quickly enough to remind myself to just stay out of his way and keep the divorce process as speedy and efficient as possible.

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 23/04/2024 08:27

Sending you a handhold and a huge virtual hug @Whatachliche plus strength and encouragement to get to the finish line as quickly as you can, with the least pain possible.

Count off the days in your head (or iPhone calendar - eg write down the milestones you are achieving/passing) to when you are free physically and financially from him and, increasingly, emotionally free from him. 🌹

Mix56 · 23/04/2024 12:17

Well done for recognizing the cycle of abuse. Winding you back in...
Can you/Is he going to let you, buy him out of the flat ? Have you had valuations done. Can there can be a financial settlement even though the divorce hasn't been finalised?

Daftapath · 23/04/2024 13:58

Glad you have seen through his hoovering Op.

Have you both completed Form E now? Is he complying with this?

jenny38 · 23/04/2024 22:11

Well done for keeping going op. Uou are brave and will come through this stronger.

Original poster
Whatachliche · 24/04/2024 08:00

I'm taking a pause on all the divorce paperwork and wider divorce to do list, it is too much at the moment and I'm feeling too overwhelmed. I've given myself this week off.

I just want him to move out but every time I bring it up he refuses. He understands he has the legal right to remain in the flat.

How can I get him to move out?

OP posts:
Imjustagirlintheworld · 24/04/2024 08:09

Whatachliche · 24/04/2024 08:00

I'm taking a pause on all the divorce paperwork and wider divorce to do list, it is too much at the moment and I'm feeling too overwhelmed. I've given myself this week off.

I just want him to move out but every time I bring it up he refuses. He understands he has the legal right to remain in the flat.

How can I get him to move out?

I’m not sure that you can. Unless you’re going to expose his affairs to all and sundry and get angry and throw him out (although there’s no guarantee this would make him leave anyway - sounds like he’ll brazen it out)

Have you talked about getting the property valued and buying him out? My guess is he doesn’t want this either (it sounds like he doesn’t want you to have anything and is very contemptuous of you)

He sounds like a really nasty piece of work and I think he’ll go out of his way to make things difficult. You are maybe going to have to come to terms with the fact you won’t be able to keep your flat 💐

You are still staying strong but really think about how long you want this to drag on for - because it sounds like he’s quite happy with the way things are and has no intention of moving. You’re going to have to force his hand.

Mix56 · 24/04/2024 08:14

Well, take all the time you need. but you have a solicitor, let them send the paperwork. Its their job.
As he doesn't give an iota whether you are miserable or not, he is perfectly happy coming "home", to his clean comfortable base as he hasn't get another plan.
He is just jogging along as normal, he doesn't believe you have the gumption to end it.
If I was you I'd put the flat on the market. (It won't sell immediately.) He will see you are serious when his little nest is removed.

Original poster
Whatachliche · 24/04/2024 08:16

@Imjustagirlintheworld he is happy for the flat to be sold or me buying him out. it is about money - which he should have enough if as he earns more than me. (seems like affairs are expensive?)

One of the reasons I'm not telling him that I know about his affairs is that I don't think it will change his position to stay or leave. it will only allow him to talk to them on the phone in front of me. it would make life easier for him, harder for me.

I'd love to find another way to convince him

OP posts:
Acornsoup · 24/04/2024 08:18

The only way to get him out is if his behaviour escalates to abuse and the police remove him. If you have evidence of coercive or financial abuse or domestic violence you could go for a non molestation and non occupation order. There would be no rush to sort the finances then Flowers

Imjustagirlintheworld · 24/04/2024 08:36

Can you afford to buy him out? Or are you saying you want him to let you keep the flat?

If not, get it on the market ASAP - the quicker it’s sold the faster you can get away from him. This can take months and months as I’m sure you know.

Does he see the two of you just living together as housemates then? What is his actual plan?

It always amazes me, these men who announce they want a divorce/are unhappy (and the ow is always discovered soon after) but then sit back and let their wife do absolutely everything to facilitate this as they can’t be arsed.