Is this the script? Handhold please

[Whatachliche]

I can't believe I'm typing this - after 25 years my HB wants to move out.

When he left for a recent work trip, we were both set to work on our relationship with a therapist. after his return, he has a new gym routine, bought new underwear and has decided he is not feeling emotionally connected to me anymore and he is too 'confused' to know what he wants.

This is the f* script right?

there have been struggles like loss and illness and an unhealthy communication style from his side but we just started couples therapy to work on our relationship and turn things around. now this.

Do I entertain his quest for space or do I believe the signs of the script and just start divorce? I don't want to look through his phone, I think I can't deal with the truth. I rather walk away without knowing if that makes sense, or is that just the fear of no point of return?

If they ever escort him off the premises or take him to the station refuse to have him back and get an urgent occupation order - which is why it's important to do your research now, have it filled out and ready to go if (when?) you need it.

Bloody hell.

A little bit scared, but he always swaps effortlessly between rage and nice, so i'm also used to it. What makes it a bit scary is that I always assumed his baseline human decency. But as I only learned now, he is knows no scruples, empathy or remorse. naturally I see his rage in a new, realistic and therefore more scary light

@Catoo I would say I'm safe but I'm not underestimating the narcissistic rage I keep reading about. I'm also not underestimating this is a new level of his loss of control as @Aquamarine1029 hits the nail on the head.

He tried his very best to taunt me earlier that day with some comments, which I just ignored ("mhm, sounds nice") so he clearly felt the need to escalate his power over me.
Which shows me the grey-rocking is working.

@Mix56 and @Easipeelerie interestingly the rage came about from a combination of 3 things:

• i ignored his earlier taunts
• i set a boundary (very basic stuff)
• i ignored an unreasonable demand

so I think the combination of those 3 things in a day pushed him over the edge.

@RandomMess calling the police crossed my mind. I said to him I find his behaviour threatening and he instantly had a list of why it isn't ready: he is on the other side of the room, he isn't yelling. (yet, he was shaking with rage) I could very clearly hear a ready-made line if defense should the police come. But I made a very detailed note of the situation and will continue to do so till it escalates to a level where I feel I have enough for the police to be involved. I think the suggestion to call them ahead and informing them of a possible escalation is very wise.

Ok this is way worse than I thought.

Yes onto the police today and start that non-mol and occupation order application.

It doesn't matter whether he thinks his rage is justified and not that bad. You were afraid and felt threatened and that is enough to call the police.

One incidence is enough.

Speak to the unit and next time dial 999

your comment is a bit of a reality check. I was wondering if I'm reading too much into the situation.

on the other hand, the situation made me realise how well rehearsed my body/voice/words were to soothe him. I never realised this before.

Call 101 for advice at the very least, OP. They're very helpful in these situations and then there will be a log started for the police to refer to when he frightens you again.

I once called 999 for my ex when he was shouting and out of control, following me round the house for over two hours, screaming in my face.

He was arrested, taken to the cells and charged with threatening behaviour.

I got a lot of support from the police over this incident. They do take it seriously.

I'm sorry things have escalated like this for you, but it may get him out of the house. I just hope he doesn't actually hit you.

on the other hand, the situation made me realise how well rehearsed my body/voice/words were to soothe him. I never realised this before

Dear OP. You should never have to be in this situation. I'm so sorry.
Your H sounds scary.

If you ever met him in real life, you'd be delighted to have spent some time with such a charming, interesting and empathic individual. This is what everyone tells me he is when they meet him. Thats one of the reasons why it took me years to acknowledge there is something sinister underneath it all. one of the reasons I was keen for the couples therapy we were about to start. the outward perception of him does not match what I feel in those moments of his rage.

Would you be able to record him when he's being aggressive and abusive towards you?

good idea - i'll try next time without him noticing

No don't try and record dial 999.

Try to call on the quiet as they may take time to arrive but staying safe is your priority. Verbal aggression is no more acceptable than physical.

Maybe do both?
I agree with calling 999.

Agree with PP that calling police for advice and maybe getting his shouting and shaking with rage incident logged would be a good idea.

Hope you are able to be away from the house a bit today with people who support you 💐

If you end up calling the police, make sure you are in a locked room beforehand. Shaking with rage is one instant away from a punch.

On the other hand, it sounds like he would be too wily to go that far
Or his situation is no longer tenable & he is cracking up.

If you have an Alexa device nearby it will have recorded today's incident should evidence be required.

@Whatachliche

If you ever met him in real life, you'd be delighted to have spent some time with such a charming, interesting and empathic individual.

House devil, street angel, eh? They do this because they know if they were abusive to everyone that their 'victim' would be believed beyond a doubt. They are purposefully wonderful to others so the reaction to the victim is one of skepticism and disbelief ("What, Joe? Oh no, he's such a nice guy. It just can't be!!!) and that when they inevitably portray the victim as mentally unstable/a liar they'll be believed.

one of the reasons I was keen for the couples therapy we were about to start.

No point. He would have been super extra charming and concerned in front of the counselor. He would have done absolutely everything he could to get them 'onside'. Swearing his undying devotion and wondering what was 'wrong' with you that you didn't see it. And how could he convince you that he was loving and innocent. The one thing he would never have done is admitted that he is a prick and that he's been cheating. His sole purpose would have been to make you think you were losing your mind.

good idea - i'll try next time without him noticing
**
As far as recording him, it's pretty easy with an iPhone. Use the 'Voice Memos' app and place the phone face down so he doesn't see the screen. Be sure you silence the phone or it beeps when you turn it on or off. Just be aware that if he realizes you're doing it, he may destroy your phone, or worse. Don't jeopardize your safety.

I agree with those saying to call the police now and ask their advice. Where I am there is a DV officer that victims can speak to 'informally' to get advice and ideas.

Protect yourself at all costs. Call 999 if you feel at all threatened or intimidated, even the least little bit.

Oh gosh, stay safe my dear
Thinking of you
xx

I wonder how many situations that are abusive I have ignored in the past? There is one behaviour I always found bizarre:
He would do or say something quite horrible to me, and when I brought it up and challenge his behaviour, he'd claim that he is simple mimicking what I had done previously, so I would see and feel how wrong my behaviour in the first hand was.
Often I wouldn't agree I started with the specific behaviour in question - and even IF, surely bringing it up in a productive conversation would be the way to solve it?
I thought that his "mirroring technique" was quite a messed up and he stopped doing it after I told him so after a few times.
Is this a thing in the abuse spectrum?
I reckon regardless, he is so much hard work and emotionally I so often felt completely drained - then these moments were disrupted by lovely, kind and loving behaviour.

Sounds like classic DARVO to me

@Whatachliche

Absolutely DARVO!!

As far as how many situations you may have missed or ignored. Probably lots. But that doesn't matter anymore. The past is over. If you need them to fuel your anger to keep you moving forward, fine, but don't dwell on them as "How could I have been so blind".

Don't be surprised if these kind of things pop into your mind as time passes. Our brains know how much we can handle and will keep things away from our consciousness as a way of 'self protecting'. I know there were many months, both during therapy and 'out', of memories popping into my head and being absolutely astounded at some of the shit I disregarded as "Oh, it must be me making a big deal" and "He must be right, he's so sure". One of the most bizarre was my becoming angry at a friend for mentioning to me a few days after we separated 'that time he locked you in the closet and you ended up at my house'. I told her that she was wrong, he never locked me in a closet I just left and drove to her house. About 5-6 months later all of a sudden that incident popped into my head and I realized that it HAD happened. All you do is say "Yep, that's never going to happen ever again" and put it away in that deep closet in your head.

@Whatachliche

What @Shellbeach said about calling 101 (non emergency police number) - you might find this information ⬇️ helpful. Ask them for advice about a marker being put on your home so if you do need an emergency police presence they already have your contact and attend without delay.

survivorsforum.womensaid.org.uk/forums/topic/police-marker-what-to-expect/

In addition, as @RandomMess suggested is getting him removed via non-mol/occupation order so you get space away from the tension/threatened violence you have to put up with in your own home - which should be a safe place for you. 🌹

Ah abuse masked as a teaching moment. So nice he thinks he's your Dad/mentor. It's just another excuse for abuse. He's a monster I don't know how you have managed this long OP.