Is this the script? Handhold please

[Whatachliche]

I can't believe I'm typing this - after 25 years my HB wants to move out.

When he left for a recent work trip, we were both set to work on our relationship with a therapist. after his return, he has a new gym routine, bought new underwear and has decided he is not feeling emotionally connected to me anymore and he is too 'confused' to know what he wants.

This is the f* script right?

there have been struggles like loss and illness and an unhealthy communication style from his side but we just started couples therapy to work on our relationship and turn things around. now this.

Do I entertain his quest for space or do I believe the signs of the script and just start divorce? I don't want to look through his phone, I think I can't deal with the truth. I rather walk away without knowing if that makes sense, or is that just the fear of no point of return?

Maybe anonymously contact the OW’s dh with the evidence?

Let the shit hit the fan but from another angle.

Is it really so important for you to stay in your flat? Would you rather not just get it out in the open at this point and move on? This could drag on for ages - have a think about whether this is good for you mentally or whether you should just tell him you know, one of you moves out and the flat gets sold & equity split.
My worry is that you could be staying quiet and having to keep a lid on it for nothing whilst he swans about living his best life.

There’s no guarantee you’ll get to stay in the flat if he insists on selling - it sounds like he’ll be nasty regardless.

I'll leave it for wiser women to advise whether it's a good idea ... but I'd be tempted to set up a WhatsApp group with all the OWs, share the evidence, and suggest a group confrontation with him.

I know this has been successful for some women, but you only hear the success stories 😆

@Whatachliche

I lost your thread in late February, so glad it popped up on Active! You are doing brilliantly!!!

As far as how to make his life hell, IMHO keep to eagle/bunny mode for now. The right time to 'release the Kraken' (for another animal metaphor) will come and you will really recognize it when it does. And the opportunities it presents will be better than what you are imagining now.

And just remember, the opposite of love is not hate. It is indifference. That's what we strive for, indifference. And for a man like that, your indifference will burn in his head like an inferno.

KOKO!

You have done so well. Don’t let this latest new information destroy you. Keep your eagle perspective 🦅. Soon you will be able to take the time to lick your wounds and recover from the devastating lies, but you HAVE to stay strong and silent for just a little bit longer. You’ve got this. You’ve been so strong, you can do this!

So sorry you’ve found more of his crap to deal with. However, for me, concrete proof is far, far better than half truths, lies and the awful pit of the stomach feeling of wondering if what you’ve been told is true, if there’s more you don’t know about etc etc and feeling like you’re going crazy.
I‘m not minimising the effects of this, or saying it’s necessarily better this way, it’s appalling, however it makes it easier on one level to make decisions that are fact-based and that you know deep down are right. It wasn’t a one-off, it’s sadly who he is.
Nobody is ever thankful that this shit came into their lives, but knowing what you know about him now will mean you absolutely know will never, ever regret a thing you did with regard to this. You’ll grieve the relationship and the man you thought he was, but any ‘wobble’ the sadness might make you feel will be quickly batted away by the proof you have.
What you know for a fact about this man is that he never, ever deserved you. Keep going, a better future is on its way even if you can’t see or feel it yet.

I’m so sorry your husband is such a prick OP.

The best way to fuck with him is to get on and have a fabulous life and seem indifferent to what he’s up to. See friends, go out, look fabulous, join local meet-ups, new hobby, nights where you stop over with friends. Embrace your freedom, be confident, grey rock him happily. Never ask where he’s been. You might have to fake it a bit until you make it. But he will hate it.

Take care though. They can’t seem to be able to resist this kind of challenge and he might try to draw you in again if he thinks he’s lost you. Stay firm until he’s gone. You know now, he’ll never be able to be faithful.

💐

Oh he's a peach isn't he?

Right now it must feel like a gut punch but just take one step back and imagine what will happen when you let all this information out into the open with his family, the OW and her DH etc.

You can sit back and laugh heartily as the karma 🦅 catches his revolting carcass.

Agreed, the opposite of love isn't hate, it is indeed indifference. Can you get some counselling to help you move through emotionally so that when the time comes you will indeed be indifferent to him and can watch as his life blows up spectacularly and you swan off into the distance, to your future without his sorry arse in tow?

OP just want to add to the support for your strength in dealing with this arsewipe of a man.

What a very strong person you are my dear. You have a clear, eagle view and a stabilising strategy and you have your friends and us whenever you need a listening ear and some support. Continue to keep your powder dry and firm up your plans.

Also what @AcrossthePond55 says is completely right about indifference vs hate. Hold onto that thought. Sending you good vibes and strength. 🌹

What @Catoo says is great.

But if you wanna fuck with him, I have some ideas

Undo the linings of some of his trousers and jeans, not all, and not all the way, but enough that it bugs him and doesn’t know why it’s happening.

Get a secret phone, message one of the OW pretending to be another OW, about stuff only that OW would know about. “Saw you two at your little getaway at Xxx last week, but did you know he’s also seeing me”. Watch what happens then.

If you know he’s going away, and the hotel, call in advance and cancel.

Send him gifts to the house (on a card he has no access to), just small things, like chocolate from one of the other OW.

Put his head in a spin

YES!!!

Excellent ideas.

Wow, I only just saw that he has multiple OW. Fucking Casanova? I can only imagine your disbelief. I am so sorry.
In one way though, it might help to know he hasn't found his "perfect other' in OW1, she is just one of a number who he enjoys toying shagging with.
I do actually think sending all the OW a message from another OW will seriously set the cat amongst the pigeons.
He can't accuse you without owning up !

How are you getting this OW info ?

You are wonderful, OP. I don't know how you're staying so resolute.

So sorry to read your latest update OP because I'm sure it has inflicted pain but I'm happy it has also helped you find your rage.

I would suggest copying down the phone numbers of all 3 OW and if you have access to his phone (once you have everything in order) swapping the names and numbers around so he messages former OWs when he's trying to reach the current and vice versa. It'll create drama and be tricky to untangle but hard to pin on you without him having to out himself. Subtle but lovely and messy.

This is an amazing idea 😂

Another saying @CoffeeAndEnnui suggestion is great for when you have everything ready.
You are finding a new gear, OP. Well done on finding that strength.

@CoffeeAndEnnui
That's brilliant!
What a mindfuck THAT would be for him!

I wouldn’t swap OW numbers round in his phone OP.
He will 100% know you did it and could get very angry.

Plus he’s likely to work out from the messages exactly who is who before he hits send. And then he’ll know you know. And he will be appalling to live with after that.

💐

I love the phone number swap idea but won't have access to his phone once all is done.

A whatsapp group with all 4 of us (as suggested by a pp) sounds fun though, it will give the 4 of us the the chance to discuss how dating him has chanced since I took half his company from him 🤷‍♀️

oh, for those who haven't guessed it, the time of sadness is quite over.

*as in, his business

Aha. You've found your rage.
Good!

@TheShellBeach late but fierce

There it is! Go get him, he deserves your anger. You've dealt with this all so well, now us the time to pull the rug from him