Is this the script? Handhold please

[Whatachliche]

I can't believe I'm typing this - after 25 years my HB wants to move out.

When he left for a recent work trip, we were both set to work on our relationship with a therapist. after his return, he has a new gym routine, bought new underwear and has decided he is not feeling emotionally connected to me anymore and he is too 'confused' to know what he wants.

This is the f* script right?

there have been struggles like loss and illness and an unhealthy communication style from his side but we just started couples therapy to work on our relationship and turn things around. now this.

Do I entertain his quest for space or do I believe the signs of the script and just start divorce? I don't want to look through his phone, I think I can't deal with the truth. I rather walk away without knowing if that makes sense, or is that just the fear of no point of return?

I just want him to move out and if he moves without me revealing that I know, that would be ideal. I'm worried about confronting him about OW, should he then refuse to move out, I think he will take calls with OW in front of me. If things turn sour I think he would.

Your mantra should he do anything hurtful is 'you are nothing to me now'
And try to believe it.
Say it enough and you will.

@Gloriosaford " Could this be part of why he is who he is, ie his family think he can do know wrong?
Perhaps is also very good at talking his way round people, making things go in his favour? "

yes. both of your observations are 100% spot on. golden child and the gift of talking his way out of any and every situation - always into his favour.

I'm often doubting my sanity if I bring up an issue between us, and once he is done arguing his side, I feel like I have done something wrong.
Obviously a classic case of DARVO, but I'm still unable to detach because he has been hiding the nasty side under such a spiderweb of outward facing nice-ness.

I just don't understand why ponding just tell him you know.

because right now he is unpleasant but tries to be amicable on a superficial level. Once confronted and outed about OW, he will turn nasty, make the divorce as difficult as possible and will try his best to make me leave the flat.

I often have been stunned how quickly he can turn from 'nice-above-average' to 'nastier-than-ever-feared' he has 2 different sides. i always thought his nice side was the main setting, but now realise this was a mask.

I was in the 'tell him you know camp', but you're playing a blinder by not telling him I think now. You're right, if he's that awful and didn't have to hide the ow it's likely your life would be 100x worse. At least this way he has to be the 'good guy' to some extent.

I'm not sure I'd tell him once you've got rid of the lying sack of shit either. I'd just be delighted to be rid of him and you can then block the lot of them and move on with your life.

This must be such a mind f*ck.
Those people who have been part of your family for decades, & that you presumably thought liked you. Have also been deceiving you.
However as we often see on some threads here "Should I tell my friend her H is cheating" there is a 50/50 response. So half say, "not my business/ they may reconcile/they are unhappy"

Or, having been given, the "we are no longer in love/we have decided to separate/she has changed/she says she wants her freedom/we got together too young/she is cheating".... May simply decide not to get involved.

I think silent indifference is the only way to go until he leaves. Then you unleash the hounds. & tell the truth to OW. (she will never believe you anyway)
& tell his weak fawning family & his loyal limp dick friends what a despicable piece of shit he is.
Then close the door on the lot of them.

This is your new chapter as much as it hurts, You will never get justice. Your aim must be to look to the future, go on & be happy, do things you never thought you would do.
You are better than him.

Are you living your own life OP, as in pretending he’s not there? Going out, seeing friends, going for a walk/coffee out etc? If so how does he react? I think he needs a dose of “I don’t give a fuck about you”. Like when he was shocked by the divorce papers. He doesn’t like not being the boss and calling the shots in this situation. Nasty little twat of a man

You've identified these two sides of his character and you likely have an understanding of what it is that moves in from in into the other, that means that (potentially) you can control him, you can keep him in the persona which is most convenient to you.
I think I would keep him sweet so he goes quietly like a lamb and gives you as little trouble as possible. Your desire for revenge is completely understandable but I think if you try to turn others against him it will backfire on you because he already has lots of people under his spell.

Any revenge that you try to take, anything you do to hurt him will give him an incentive to punish and damage you.

Any revenge that you try to take, anything you do to hurt him will give him an incentive to punish and damage you

I'm afraid this is true, @Whatachliche

It's a shame you can't magic up a new boyfriend, as I think your STBEXH would be very jealous.

For what it’s worth I think you’re doing the right thing by keeping your knowledge of his affair quiet for now.

Is the flat on the market? Do you have any plans of where you’ll go?

I think it may serve you better to go on a charm offensive.

How divorcing quickly and buying him out will mean he'll get more £ and anything else that will sell it to him. Means he can afford a nice holiday and benefit from being a 1st time buyer and being able to relocate more easily bid he wants to?

Your focus has to be getting rid of him quickly before the nasty side is on full offensive.

often have been stunned how quickly he can turn from 'nice-above-average' to 'nastier-than-ever-feared' he has 2 different sides. i always thought his nice side was the main setting, but now realise this was a mask

Classic covert narc! Everyone around them thinks they’re lovely. They are excellent liars and have everyone under their spell. Usually very charming and humble - claim to be charitable and “would do anything for anyone”. It’s usually only the spouse/partner who gradually sees the nasty side of them and it’s so insidious and jekyll/Hyde-ish you end up feeling like you don’t know up from down.
His family probably see this side of him but will stick up for him because he knows how to play them and also if his dm admitted he’s a nasty piece of work it would be like her admitting she had “failed” in some way.

But don’t worry because they can’t keep it up forever - once OW is completely in his thrall his mask will slip and she’ll see that side of him. Meanwhile you’ll have moved on and hopefully feel relieved you got out.

Did he lovebomb you in the beginning and promise you the world? Mirror the things you liked? I bet all his ex’s before you were nutters or mistreated him in some way too didnt they?

I know how shocked you will be feeling atm OP - you are still in love with the lovely person you thought they were - but that person doesn’t really exist, it’s just the front they put on to get you to fall in love with them before they pull the rug from under you and discard you for something “better”. They need constant supply to fill their emptiness and lap up attention in any way, shape or form.

Ive been there - it has you questioning yourself and the intelligent/strong person you thought you were. How could you fall for it? But it’s not your fault - they are charlatans and are so persuasive.

They usually go after very kind, nurturing types because they need mothering.
I think they are often women-haters who seem to take pleasure in your pain.

You are playing it the right way. Grey rock, don’t get into arguments/accusations as hard as it is. Play it cool and don’t give him the attention he wants.

They’re evil.

I really feel for you - my narc did a complete number on my MH but once I worked out what he was I sent a text telling him I knew he’s a pathological liar and a fake then blocked him. It’s the only way and I’m hoping this will all be over soon for you so you can recover xx

You are doing brilliantly. Just wanted to say. He will absolutely turn if he knows you know. As others have said, keep it quiet, get what you can then when it’s all sorted and you have the flat. You will be the one laughing (eventually). Thinking of you.

evidence of 2 more OW found. I need STD testing 🤮

Fuck that pig of a man. Make his life miserable.

I'm so sorry.

Oh no how terrible!!!!

I bet you're v glad you started divorce proceedings now!

What a creep. But good to know so you can get checked. Feel a torrent of hate coming his way.

Yes, you will need an STI test.

Not sure how you feel about the fact that there's 2 other OW.

While it's a bigger betrayal, I hope you can see it for what it really is. He's an even bigger bollix and this confirms it with absolutely no doubt.

This isn't a case of some deluded soul thinking he's fallen for some other woman & it's love's greatest romance.

This is a serial cheat with the morales of an alley cat & absolutely no reflection on you. He's a shit and He's the problem.

You could have been the world's best wife - this guy wouldn't have recognised or appreciated it anyway.

That's horrible. However it does mean the original OW is not as special as she thinks. Is he seeing other women as well as her current?Harden your heart and go for those tests.

OMG how awful. I am so sorry, OP.
This must have come as a terrible shock to you.

I’m sorry op - I can imagine how you must be feeling.

This is a serial cheat with the morales of an alley cat & absolutely no reflection on you. He's a shit and He's the problem.

This. It will maybe make you feel slightly better to realise that this isn’t that he’s suddenly found loves young dream or something better than you - he’s simply the type who enjoys the thrill of it all. He wants to have his cake and eat it again and again.
I hope this will help you start to really find your anger and see him for what he is. How bloody dare he!

Men like this are the worst. They are actively taking away your autonomy and right to consent by living a double life. They want you at home playing wifey and remaining faithful whilst they pretend they’re a good husband to keep you sweet, all the while dipping their wick in whomever will have them. It’s sick. I just don’t know how they keep up with the lies.

I would be absolutely livid. Make sure you keep all evidence - let the OW know she wasn’t the only one and he’s simply a disgusting, cheating piece of shit.

He's lower than a snakes belly (which means there's nothing he wont stoop to). I still think it would be best if you can have him out of your life with as little fuss as possible.
I do of course appreciate it's nigh on impossible to stay calm in a situation like this.

collecting evidence. I will still not reveal I know the truth.

after the divorce is final, should he still be with OW1, OW1 will receive all evidence of OW2 & OW3.

should OW1 still be with her husband, her husband will receive all evidence of OW1 cheating.

in the meantime, I need to think how to fuck with my H

as in, how to make his life hell without him realising what / who / why / how it is happening