Is this the script? Handhold please

[Whatachliche]

I can't believe I'm typing this - after 25 years my HB wants to move out.

When he left for a recent work trip, we were both set to work on our relationship with a therapist. after his return, he has a new gym routine, bought new underwear and has decided he is not feeling emotionally connected to me anymore and he is too 'confused' to know what he wants.

This is the f* script right?

there have been struggles like loss and illness and an unhealthy communication style from his side but we just started couples therapy to work on our relationship and turn things around. now this.

Do I entertain his quest for space or do I believe the signs of the script and just start divorce? I don't want to look through his phone, I think I can't deal with the truth. I rather walk away without knowing if that makes sense, or is that just the fear of no point of return?

I would absolutely love to punch him in the nose.

The dirty, lying scoundrel. Putting your sexual health at risk like this, @Whatachliche
How fucking dare he!

yes it's outrageous. I really have to get tested, I'll find a way he pays for it. both financially now, as well as metaphorically, later.

What’s it like day to day being around him? Does he try to act as if you’re still together?

he has signed the divorce papers, but he doesn't know that I know about the OW

What happens now with regards to your financial settlement/going after his business etc?

I don’t know how you’re staying so controlled op! I’m not saying you should lose it ranting and raving but I’d just tell him you know at this point and get him out.

What is his plan going forwards? Is he letting you stay in the property or talked about selling up or what?

I'm calm because I have to. legally I can't get him out. A person with empathy or a reasonable-mindset would move out. a pp did highlight that he is a classic covert narcissist. if exposed to his cheating, he will happily stay in our shared space, which we both own. he will make my life hell. why would I lead myself down that path. losing my shit at him will unleash the devil.

But the point I’m making is - what makes you think he’ll move out anyway? What is he proposing?

Can you not afford to rent for a while until the property is sold and you get a settlement?

You are letting him control the situation when you could be moving out and on with your life? He is having his cake and eating it.

Surely he’d have moved in with one of his OW by now if that was his plan? I think you’ll find he’ll be digging his heels in whether he knows you know about the affair or not if he’s that way inclined and such a nasty bastard.

At least if the truth comes out and you tell her husband it might bring things to a head. You could be waiting for a very long time for your “gotcha” moment whilst he enjoys the benefits of co-habiting with you and let’s things play out the way HE wants.

The way I see it if you tell him what you know you are taking control and putting the onus on him to move out. Tell everyone you know what he’s been up to. You are essentially covering for him.

And you don’t need to “lose your shit”. Just calmly present him with all the evidence and tell him what you know - then say “so I assume you’ll be moving out now” and take it from there.

How can holding all this is be good for you? Think of yourself.

It isn’t a gotcha moment when they don’t care and have desperately wanted to tell you all along. It just allows them to say all the mean shit they’ve been hiding from you, while pretending to be a good guy. He’ll just mock OP saying she has nothing better to do than stalk and snoop. He’ll tell everyone she’s crazy etc.

OP says: I assume you’ll move out now you have ‘Susan’ and here’s my evidence
He laughs: Fuck you I’m glad you know. Susan is a much nicer/etc than you. She wouldn’t spend 1 minute looking you up on social media. I’ll do what I want and I’ll stay here as long as I want. Now fuck off out of my way, you’re crazy.

Then acts like an absolute twat from that point onwards. At the moment there is some pretence at being civil.

Revenge much better served cold in this case.

Now is the time for petty but hidden acts to make you feel better. Pee in his aftershave, move things he needs to go out of the house on time to another place (but one he might feasibility have done himself) and show no interest as you are immersed in a book. Tell him 'oh June and Bill are going to x restaurant in Thursday, they say it's really nice' when you know he booked a table with her there so he rearranges things.

He's an absolute idiot and I'd put money on this OW not leaving her husband for him.

You however sound bright, witty and fun. It will get better. You are grieving for what you want him to be and not what he is.

Survive this bit and you can start finding you again.

@Thepartnersdesk this. this exactly. I want to study him like a creature in a zoo whilst I mess with him. A switch as flipped in my head from wounded to revenge, with nothing in between.

Bravo, OP!

I think still hold your cool, as getting a quicker settlement without drama is worth more than the immediate satisfaction of revealing all now, and as others have said, there is no guarantee you would get that anyway as he is likely to retaliate.

As part of the financial settlement you can agree for only one of you to remain in the flat pending its sale. That way you limit how long you need to keep living together. Once the financial settlement is agreed and he or you have moved out, then you can strike if you want to. He won't be able to stop the divorce.

Why on earth doesn't he want to move out ? It sounds like he can afford a flat. He's requested "space". Completely rewritten your joint history.
He's signed the divorce papers, You aren't holding him back. (Although his bully boy ego must be bruised that you aren't crying & begging him to stay !)
I suppose you need a disinterested conversation, saying, "So when are you moving out ?" You want space, so off you pop."

Ok, so it's good to be angry, for now. It will get you through the legalities.

But remember, what you're striving for is indifference. Because once you're done with the legalities, you want to not give a shiny shit what he's doing and who he's doing it with.

When I got my heart broken many many years ago I had to work every single day with the shithead. Yes, I got angry, but that anger didn't get me through the day, because anger is too much emotion and emotion wears you down. Anger can 'take it out of you' just as much as heartbreak can. But indifference is so freeing. It's a huge weight lifted off your spirit. It enables you to look at that person and think simply "What a sorry excuse you are", shrug, and walk away to start your new fabulous life. And anger can block you from finding someone new should you choose too. Indifference will enable you to love again, without fear.

This is rank but I’d do it again. When my best friends husband cheated I blew my nose in his favourite coat pocket, and also poured loads of water around the base of the toilet so it looked like a leak. (She had moved out but I went back with her to get her stuff, when he was in work, with his new woman).

@AcrossthePond55 I'm looking forward to indifference, but on the whole I'm being quite behind on the emotional journey - I couldn't find anger for the longest time, so at the moment I'm giving into that new emotion, it is so much better than that awful sadness.
So far every prediction from everyone's collective wisdom and experience on this thread has come true, therefore I trust indifference will be on the cards for me too.

Ashamed to say that I have been doing the undignified and embarrassing pick-me-dance before I found out about the OW. Back then, I changed his mind about moving out, when it was unclear (to me at least, what a fool I was) why on earth he suddenly wasn't sure about us anymore. Since then he has clearly realised that potential rent-money is much better spent on lovely hotels with the OW, as his credit card statements tell me.

How did you find out about the other OW's OP? What an absolute bastard.

he has been seen by one of my friends in an inexcusable situation. OW2 he didn't delete their messages quickly enough from his phone 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

What’s the time scale of what happens next? Are you waiting for the divorce to finalise? Assuming he never leaves/won’t agree to house being sold, what will you do?

It'll come.

At first the anger got me through the work day and watching him swanning around the office, talking about dating etc, but as time went on the anger just exhausted me. We weren't married so there were no legalities to get through so the anger really wasn't powering me through anything I needed to do. It was like I couldn't move forward because I was hanging on to it and since I had to see him every day it was exhausting me.

Do you know, a bit after the break up he actually said to me "Please don't commit suicide because you've lost me". As IF!!! That's what ended the 'grief' and started the anger. Eventually I think my mind sort of took over and I began to go numb. With that numbness I saw what an egotistical asshole he really was. And then the indifference began. Luckily I got a transfer to another office and never had to see him again. I have never gotten to the point of 'wishing him well', but if he won a Nobel Prize or fell off the Brooklyn Bridge, I really wouldn't give a shiny shit.

Do you know, a bit after the break up he actually said to me "Please don't commit suicide because you've lost me". As IF!!! That's what ended the 'grief' and started the anger

DH talked about selling the house and 'making a new start.' Once the process had started and we'd sold and made an offer on another house he 'couldn't go through with it.' (My manager swore blind DH had tricked me out of the house and to this day I still don't know if he did). When the dust had settled a bit he said 'It was just as well we' (note the WE, there) 'sold, you couldn't have borne to live there without me, could you?'

Dream on in your depths of delusion, mate. And I didn't care when my MD helpfully told me that exDH (who he was working with on finance deals) had 'made his first million.' Still trying to reel me in after all those years.

And as it turned out, his last million. Solely on paper and company closed with a five figure loss.

Oh dear. Still, never mind, eh?

Didn’t you get half of the house sale etc?

And as it turned out, his last million. Solely on paper and company closed with a five figure loss.

Karma’s a bitch ain’t it?

And as it turned out, his last million. Solely on paper and company closed with a five figure loss

I confess to sniggering immoderately at that.
🤣

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain

When the dust had settled a bit he said 'It was just as well we' (note the WE, there) 'sold, you couldn't have borne to live there without me, could you?'

Honest to goodness, I don't know how these men come up with the idea that they are God's gift. It amazes me.

Maybe it's just the circles I run in, but I have never heard a woman express anything like that, but I have heard more than one man. The egos!!

And what takes the cake is that it's often men who have made the woman's life a living hell, either through abuse, cheating, or neglect. They just don't get that, in the end, we are absolutely joyous to be rid of them.