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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this the script? Handhold please

995 replies

Whatachliche · 10/02/2024 21:37

I can't believe I'm typing this - after 25 years my HB wants to move out.

When he left for a recent work trip, we were both set to work on our relationship with a therapist. after his return, he has a new gym routine, bought new underwear and has decided he is not feeling emotionally connected to me anymore and he is too 'confused' to know what he wants.

This is the f* script right?

there have been struggles like loss and illness and an unhealthy communication style from his side but we just started couples therapy to work on our relationship and turn things around. now this.

Do I entertain his quest for space or do I believe the signs of the script and just start divorce? I don't want to look through his phone, I think I can't deal with the truth. I rather walk away without knowing if that makes sense, or is that just the fear of no point of return?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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Original poster
Whatachliche · 27/03/2024 10:05

you are right @crockofshite it is the version of him from 10 years ago I want back. even though this version is old, it once existed and mind heart and my brain are too scrambled to understand that this version of him is now dead. All logic has left me.

OP posts:
Catoo · 27/03/2024 10:55

Whatachliche · 27/03/2024 10:03

I'm playing with versions of this in my head @Catoo

"Or .... When he announces he's 'met someone ' you look bemused and ask 'oh, a different woman? What happened to Susan who you were seeing all those years? Is it over already?' "

but reading Leave A Cheater Gain A Life made it clear to me what would happen: he would simply not care. that sweet moment of oh, I caught you! would evaporate into meaninglessness because he would either deny or just move out and continue with the OW. In order to lie and cheat, he is able to completely repress empathy towards me. he will not find empathy in his heart just because I caught him. also, he is in the verge of jumping ship anyway. He might be quite gappy it's out in the open now.

Absolutely OP. At the moment he’s so taken up with the excitement of it all that nothing will get through.

My absolute preferred tactic of all is grey rock. So when he does make his big adrenaline-fuelled announcement that he’s ’just’ met someone, expecting tears and a carry on, you can piss on that bonfire with ‘OK. So you can sign the papers now then.’ with a complete lack of emotion.

That really will irritate him. His ego will be bruised. Indifference I think is the only thing that will get under his skin. It will also be embarrassing to have to tell OW. I have done this and the person told me afterwards how annoyed he was 🤣.

When life settles down once he’s gone, be prepared for breadcrumbs. The odd text here and there. Ignore.

Once divorced you can laugh with friends and family about how you knew all along. Word will get back and he’ll find that annoying.

But mostly also grey rock and no contact gives you huge mental peace and allows you to move on.

You’ll be OK OP. She’s about to get a liar and cheat for a partner. If she even wants him now he’s available.

💐

Original poster
Whatachliche · 27/03/2024 11:47

yes, very much channeling your rey rock approach for the moment of the big reveal from him.

I have decided to never tell him directly that i know. just everyone around him. so it creeps up on him from all directions. whilst i have already blocked him.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 27/03/2024 11:51

Whatachliche · 27/03/2024 10:05

you are right @crockofshite it is the version of him from 10 years ago I want back. even though this version is old, it once existed and mind heart and my brain are too scrambled to understand that this version of him is now dead. All logic has left me.

Yes. This is exactly how I felt.

Even now, almost thirty years later, I can remember the man I fell in love with - and comparing him to the man he became (the cruel, cruel stranger) just bewilders me utterly.

Gloriosaford · 27/03/2024 12:16

All logic has left me
I would say that logic is still with you but it tends to be drowned out because of the emotional intensity of what you are experiencing.
I have decided to never tell him directly that i know. just everyone around him. so it creeps up on him from all directions
😈
Genius & very logical 😈

Mix56 · 27/03/2024 12:26

You are right to keep the beady eyed eagle watching future mauled bunny attitude.
As at this point we don't even know if OW is going to ditch her husband ...
She may not.
He may try & back track yet...the "better you than no-one" approach.

Is he away for Easter? Please try & keep busy. Sitting lonely at home is not what you need.

Shetlands · 27/03/2024 12:41

Do you have a plan for him being dumped and saying he wants to rekindle his marriage to you?

Newestname002 · 27/03/2024 12:56

@Whatachliche

I have decided to never tell him directly that i know. just everyone around him. so it creeps up on him from all directions. whilst i have already blocked him.

Excellent idea OP. It will feel like lots of individual paper cuts each time he realises that not only do people know, but they know the actual truth of what a lowlife he really is. 🌹

Original poster
Whatachliche · 27/03/2024 13:25

Shetlands · 27/03/2024 12:41

Do you have a plan for him being dumped and saying he wants to rekindle his marriage to you?

yes, my inner picture for this scenario is me slowly turning in a high backed chair, cocktail in hand, laughing coldly in his face and pressing a button to release the hounds.

*note to self: order chair, variety of hounds.

In reality, he has too much pride to ever paddle back. he has pushed our relationship too far towards splitting up. The man I know he is would move out and see what else is out there.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 27/03/2024 13:46

The man I know he is would move out and see what else is out there

What an utter bastard.

Let him. If the OW doesn't want him and neither do you, let him go without causing yourself too much distress. Easier said than done, of course.

Original poster
Whatachliche · 27/03/2024 13:51

TheShellBeach · 27/03/2024 13:46

The man I know he is would move out and see what else is out there

What an utter bastard.

Let him. If the OW doesn't want him and neither do you, let him go without causing yourself too much distress. Easier said than done, of course.

this would help my ideal scenario though. He never had the feel the sadness and loneliness he inflicted on me in the last months. Even though I'm not sure much Character-building will happen, a taste of his own medicine, I'd be happy he had to get a glimpse

OP posts:
dancingsands · 27/03/2024 16:34

Mum5net · 22/03/2024 12:34

OP, read this from legendary poster Coats... it might help you ... She updated this Xmas, seven years later to say she she is very happy. Keep on going. You will get there.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/3257939-Dh-sent-me-a-photo-by-mistake

I can't find the next thread - I need to know what happened!!!

Shetlands · 27/03/2024 19:48

Whatachliche · 27/03/2024 13:25

yes, my inner picture for this scenario is me slowly turning in a high backed chair, cocktail in hand, laughing coldly in his face and pressing a button to release the hounds.

*note to self: order chair, variety of hounds.

In reality, he has too much pride to ever paddle back. he has pushed our relationship too far towards splitting up. The man I know he is would move out and see what else is out there.

Show quote history

I heartily approve of your scenario. May I recommend this swivel chair: https://www.designersofas4u.co.uk/aviator-stealth-swivel-egg-black-aluminium-3
and this cocktail:
https://www.squaremeal.co.uk/drinks-cocktails/the-revenge-punch_106
and these hounds:
https://www.homelesshounds.org.uk/dogs-for-adoption/dogs/

💐

Easipeelerie · 28/03/2024 07:31

Whatachliche · 27/03/2024 11:47

yes, very much channeling your rey rock approach for the moment of the big reveal from him.

I have decided to never tell him directly that i know. just everyone around him. so it creeps up on him from all directions. whilst i have already blocked him.

Great plan. I would make your info factual and non emotional with several dates and events so it’s quite clear to them how long it’s been going on, who with and what they’ve been up to together. And some details of lies he’s told you.

Easipeelerie · 28/03/2024 07:34

And I’d tell as many people as possible including friends and partners of friends. His friends might brush it off but their partners will see h Kim for what he is.

RoseTintedFlute · 28/03/2024 11:08

You really are dealing with this with such class.

It's a horrendous situation but hopefully in time when it's all over you can remember happy times and a great before he turned into a cheating snake. You haven't wasted any time because you got a lot of joy out of that. Now hes done you a favour setting you free for your next chapter while the OW is left with a cheating selfish individual who will no doubt be looking for the thrill of another affair before long now he's had a taste.

Mix56 · 30/03/2024 08:16

I hope you are OK? & your tears have dried.
Did you call MIL?
Quietly hoping that it has all imploded in to his pompous entitled face....

TheShellBeach · 30/03/2024 12:37

I've been thinking about you, @Whatachliche and hoping you're okay

Original poster
Whatachliche · 30/03/2024 22:42

thanks for checking in @Mix56 and @TheShellBeach. I'm still struggling, I managed another glimpse at some messages and turns out his sibling and mother already know about OW. I assume his family has been fed a sanitised version of OW, or some lies about us being amicable in separation. I feel his web of lies is just too intricate and well designed to break through.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 30/03/2024 22:46

Whatachliche · 30/03/2024 22:42

thanks for checking in @Mix56 and @TheShellBeach. I'm still struggling, I managed another glimpse at some messages and turns out his sibling and mother already know about OW. I assume his family has been fed a sanitised version of OW, or some lies about us being amicable in separation. I feel his web of lies is just too intricate and well designed to break through.

That must be a very bitter pill to swallow. I'd be furious with them, for not telling you.

Original poster
Whatachliche · 30/03/2024 23:09

i'm bitterly disappointed in his sibling. Never would have thought this. I'm pretty sure his mum has been fed lies and a different story.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 30/03/2024 23:20

Is this changing your ideas on letting him know that you know?

Gloriosaford · 30/03/2024 23:28

Whatachliche · 30/03/2024 23:09

i'm bitterly disappointed in his sibling. Never would have thought this. I'm pretty sure his mum has been fed lies and a different story.

Could this be part of why he is who he is, ie his family think he can do know wrong?
Perhaps is also very good at talking his way round people, making things go in his favour?

Bluetrews25 · 31/03/2024 07:55

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Maybe they had a massive go at him for cheating?
If they didn't then it tells you what kind of people they are to cover up for a dishonest cheat.
Curses to the lot of them.
Things will get better. xx