Is this the script? Handhold please

[Whatachliche]

I can't believe I'm typing this - after 25 years my HB wants to move out.

When he left for a recent work trip, we were both set to work on our relationship with a therapist. after his return, he has a new gym routine, bought new underwear and has decided he is not feeling emotionally connected to me anymore and he is too 'confused' to know what he wants.

This is the f* script right?

there have been struggles like loss and illness and an unhealthy communication style from his side but we just started couples therapy to work on our relationship and turn things around. now this.

Do I entertain his quest for space or do I believe the signs of the script and just start divorce? I don't want to look through his phone, I think I can't deal with the truth. I rather walk away without knowing if that makes sense, or is that just the fear of no point of return?

Are you on the right thread?

yes. That would be rather satisfying.
I'm having a wobble today and really miss the good time, the feeling of 'us' as a couple. I'm so sad.

really miss the good time, the feeling of 'us' as a couple. I'm so sad
Sadly there is no way through without the pain of loss😥🙏
He will (at some level) be aware that you miss the good times and something in you longs to get back to them. The golden times as they are sometimes referred to. They use it for leverage.

Aw OP - just want to message you before I go to bed as I’m still following your progress and cheering you on.

How you feel is totally understandable. You’re going through one of the worst things a person can go through. He was your person, he should’ve been the one you could rely on and he’s let you down in the worst way.

I guess you have to remember that “us” as a couple was never a true representation of your relationship - for him for the last two years at least. He has been one person to you and another to her. He lacks integrity and you could never trust him again.

One of the things that has helped me in my situation is that when I’m going over everything and ruminating and just thinking “why? How could he do that to me? How could he tell all those lies/tell me he loved me etc etc” just remember that it’s good that you feel that way. It’s good that you can’t understand it because YOU are a good person. You are an honest person who doesn’t cheat or lie - that’s why it’s so hard to understand and make sense of. You don’t want to understand it quite frankly because it’s not something you would ever do and therefore unthinkable!

I don’t know if I’m explaining well but thinking like that has helped me. When you’re a good and honest person it drives you mad constantly asking yourself “how could they do that?” but the fact is that they are damaged in some way. They are narcissists or need validation because they’re insecure or need attention to feed their ego which is a bottomless pit. The fact they can lie so easily and for so long isn’t normal behaviour.

Dont try to fight the feelings you have, let them wash over you and go right ahead and feel them and have a good old cry if you need to. You’re going to go through all the stages of grief and you’re still in the early stages.

He is no prize. They will probably never be truly content even if they end up together because they are both only too aware that they got together under false pretences whilst deceiving and lying to their other halves.

I mean, what are they waiting for? Obviously they are not quite 100% about one another for it to be dragging on for two years!

You are doing great OP - you are in control. You are the all seeing eye and he is a bug scurrying around in a panic because things aren’t going to plan (his plan!). As difficult as it is try to stay detached and calm. Keep reminding yourself what this twat has done to you - how dare he! You’ve got this, sending unmumsnetty hugs x

How are you today, OP?

not a proud moment, I'm bawling my eyes out and all I can think off are all the mistakes I have made in the relationship. what I could have done better. I know this is BS and self destructive, yet I can't stop it. He currently is on his mini holiday with her under the disguise of seeing family. (he still doesn't know that I know) Today is tough.

And what on earth will his family make of this? Or is she going to hide out in the hotel whilst he visits them?

@Imjustagirlintheworld I'm still in such shock that my brain refuses to accept this new reality - whenever he is in front of me I can talk totally normally to him, like the truth of the OW is a distant dream, not real at all, outside our bubble. It isn't hard at all to pretend I don't know, because when he is in front of me his betrayal doesn't feel real. is this Trauma bonding?

About him being a fake person with a f**ked up sense of self and zero integrity is true, yet I see a lot of people with those personalities living a beautiful life. I want to believe in karma, but I don't. I know too many emotionally repressed and self centred people living nice and carefree lives.
I think it comes with the territory.

I still cant feel any anger and have realised that I'm generally repressing anger, which is a bigger issue. repressed anger seems connected with weak boundaries, hence why my H thinks he can walk all over me.

@Imjustagirlintheworld he isn't really seeing family, thats just the lie he told me so he can travel without making me suspicious. I can't go because of work commitments, something he carefully asked about before presenting his travel plans.

Why don't you call up tomorrow and say your work plans have been cancelled so you will come join him 😂 listen to him sweat at the other end.

I agree that trauma like this can cause you to become oddly detached - you are in effect protecting yourself. And the fact he has been living a double life in some strange way probably makes it easier for you to go along with this normalcy - after all, you have been happy with him for the last two years despite the fact he’s been - unbeknownst to you - seeing someone else, so it is probably easier for you to square this in your head with just carrying on as normal.
Also, you sound like a level-headed and gentle person. If you are not the type to have jealous rages/angry shouting matches you will not revert to this behaviour now just because it may seem more typical of how you should be reacting! It’s not who you are intrinsically as a person.

As for the family thing - what if you were to come up with some urgent reason for contacting them whilst he’s away? (pretend you couldn’t get through on his phone) - if nothing else it’ll make him squirm. I mean, what the hell is he going to say??!

You know op - you can change your mind about telling him you know? I’m worried keeping this to yourself isn’t the best thing for you? Do you really think him thinking you don’t know will make that much difference to the outcome of the divorce?

It’s a huge strain for you mentally all this x

Please do this OP!

C’mon - find your anger! I can’t help but feeling a bit like this utter arsewipe is just getting away with everything Scott free. Make the bastard sweat a bit!!!

Its not surprising you're hurting. This is a bare faced lie & now you are aware of it,
It's happened before, just you dudnt know.
What if you ring up MIL & ask to speak to him. ( fictitious washing machine stop cock/ garage key missing..) MILwill say he's not there. You say oh that's strange, he said he was going to yours.

Then she will call him & ask...... That will make him uncomfortable !

Crossed posts !

Also OP - I don’t really believe in karma either. However, I believe that people who have acted in the way your dh has done to you are not truly happy individuals. As I said earlier in the thread, to lie cheat and deceive on this level for two years is not normal behaviour. There is something lacking in a person who does this. An emptiness or void that will never be fully satisfied IMO. Maybe he is lacking in self esteem, maybe he will always think the grass is greener - people who think like this are never truly content.

When (if) he goes off with the OW they will possibly try to present a perfect picture of happiness (especially if they’re the types to post on SM) but just remember that for the first two years of their relationship they were complicit in the deceit of their spouses - they will both be only too aware that the other is capable of cheating. As the old saying goes “when a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy”!

It’s a good thing you don’t have dcs with him bc you’ll have absolutely no reason to stay in contact with this turd once the divorce is finalised.

I will bet my life on the fact that a year from now you’ll look back and realise you had a lucky escape OP - in time you will probably remember other things about the relationship that weren’t quite right or lies he told.

yes I'm planning of contacting his family, but as you and I seem to be people vaguely tethered to the truth, if we were in his shoes we'd find being exposed to a lie uncomfortable. I know already he will just tell his mum he wanted to come, but had a feeling some last minute business meetings will get in the way and didn't want to disappoint her, so didn't say anything. I know his lies in and out. I just didn't think he'd lie to me. we always had a 'us against the rest if the world energy about us.

TheShellBeach
How are you today, OP?

not a proud moment, I'm bawling my eyes out and all I can think off are all the mistakes I have made in the relationship. what I could have done better. I know this is BS and self destructive, yet I can't stop it. He currently is on his mini holiday with her under the disguise of seeing family. (he still doesn't know that I know) Today is tough.

This breaks my heart. You haven't done anything wrong. You believed the lie of who he's been pretending to be. You have been in a different relationship to him. His success of pretending and your faith in him ado not make you at fault

And would his mum just believe that?
I'm so angry on your behalf.
I have a secret wish that the OW is a MNetter and will come across this thread. Then she'll realise that you know.

I know his lies in and out

Just hold that thought OP.
You say you thought your relationship was good and it was “you and him against the world” but how do you square that with “knowing his lies in and out”?

The thing that shocked me most about my recent encounter with a covert narcissist was the lies. The pathological lies he told, slipping so easily off his tongue one after another. One of the things that makes you believe them is yes, they are convincing liars but also the lies they tell are often so magnificent that you can’t believe they could possibly be lying!

So when he told me his ex (except she wasn’t his ex) had taken an overdose (after me saying I thought we should take a break) my spidey-senses were tingling but I batted them away. Because who the FUCK would lie about something like that?

When you are a normal, honest person you cannot get your head around the fact that someone can lie so easily and with no guilt or conscience tapping them on the shoulder saying “but that’s wrong…”
But they don’t think like that - it’s about them and getting what they want at all costs. Everyone else is collateral damage.

Im not saying this to be hurtful or unkind op but I would be very surprised if this affair isn’t the tip of the iceberg. There will possibly be more things coming out of the woodwork - some things you will never know.
The wife of the guy I was seeing has stayed with him I believe and she for one will never know the truth of the shocking lies he told. I’m not about to tell her as it would feel vindictive - I’ve no doubt people in his friendship group etc probably think he’s a great guy too as that’s how he comes across. It stings to think he’ll just carry on as normal and I know you’ll be feeling like that too.

But I just think the fact you are so knowledgeable about the way he lies and how good he is at is possibly means all isn’t as well as you think it’s been in your marriage but you’ve maybe been trained to accept his way. Things will become clearer for you I think when you’ve got out and can look back with clarity. To know your husband is a very good liar cannot be a good thing.

No. I'd flatter his ego and say it's very painful knowing he doesn't love you as more than a friend any longer and that you feel you need a line drawn under things so you can start to grieve and get your head around it, and you can both start planning a life as dear friends, apart. That you are trying so hard to be reasonable and fair and you need to be able to start to mourn what you thought your life was going to be, and please can he help you, as your best friend.

He's lying through his teeth and screwing you over, so I wouldn't make yourself any more vulnerable to him than you already are. The time to let him know you knew, and always did, is after you have a clean break settlement agreed and signed and he can't hurt you any more via financial means than he has with his betrayal and lies.

He already put safety nets in place - he keeps saying that he thinks our relationship cannot be repaired...hinting his exit soon. joining him spontaneously on his 'family trip' would be an odd thing to do. he knows I wouldn't, especially after the latest announcements. I feel he either consciously or subconsciously has put his in place to control the narrative.

obviously I understand this is him waiting for the OW to commit or not.

You’re doing well OP.

You’re right to resist trying to expose him to his family. He’ll get angry, maybe tell them about OW, and then you could have weeks of him being deliberately cruel and open about OW to suffer through.

As horrible as this is, while he still lives with you, I think this pretending you don’t know is the best situation for you.

On some level he will know you know maybe?

Do you have some good friends who know about it and who you can spend more time with to get away from him when he’s around?

💐

You don't really want him back, what you want is to put the clock back 10 years to when you were both happy.

Or .... When he announces he's 'met someone ' you look bemused and ask 'oh, a different woman? What happened to Susan who you were seeing all those years? Is it over already?'

I'm playing with versions of this in my head @Catoo

"Or .... When he announces he's 'met someone ' you look bemused and ask 'oh, a different woman? What happened to Susan who you were seeing all those years? Is it over already?' "

but reading Leave A Cheater Gain A Life made it clear to me what would happen: he would simply not care. that sweet moment of oh, I caught you! would evaporate into meaninglessness because he would either deny or just move out and continue with the OW. In order to lie and cheat, he is able to completely repress empathy towards me. he will not find empathy in his heart just because I caught him. also, he is in the verge of jumping ship anyway. He might be quite gappy it's out in the open now.