Is this the script? Handhold please

[Whatachliche]

I can't believe I'm typing this - after 25 years my HB wants to move out.

When he left for a recent work trip, we were both set to work on our relationship with a therapist. after his return, he has a new gym routine, bought new underwear and has decided he is not feeling emotionally connected to me anymore and he is too 'confused' to know what he wants.

This is the f* script right?

there have been struggles like loss and illness and an unhealthy communication style from his side but we just started couples therapy to work on our relationship and turn things around. now this.

Do I entertain his quest for space or do I believe the signs of the script and just start divorce? I don't want to look through his phone, I think I can't deal with the truth. I rather walk away without knowing if that makes sense, or is that just the fear of no point of return?

He's a classic Don Drapper. He probably never wanted you to find out. OW will also be getting strung along. He's such a catch, how could you be thinking of leaving him. Your life is perfect because he says it is.

agree. I think he would at some point have moved out and shortly after introduced the affair as someone he just met.

Interesting you say 'your life is perfect because he says so' Indeed sometimes when I express an emotion he'd say 'that's not normal' or 'that's not possible' I know how controlling this sounds and I don't understand why I am / was in love with someone who has personality patterns like this.

I know how controlling this sounds and I don't understand why I am / was in love with someone who has personality patterns like this

I confess to having had the same feelings, @Whatachliche

I couldn't figure out how I'd stood it for so long.

But when you're in the middle of it, it just seems normal. It's only afterwards that you look back and think WTF.

It won't feel like this now but 2/3 years from now, you will realise what a massive gift this has been for you

OP, read this from legendary poster Coats... it might help you ... She updated this Xmas, seven years later to say she she is very happy. Keep on going. You will get there.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/3257939-Dh-sent-me-a-photo-by-mistake

Wow, I just read that full thread Mum5net, and her update.

What an inspiration. Her dh was clearly a narcissistic prick too. So glad she got out and is now happy.

I've just read that thread too, @Mum5net

Eye-opening.

The court needs evidence that the petition has been served.

Do you have anything from your spouse in writing with his excuses e.g. texts/WhatsApp or has it all been said verbally? If not, send him a text and reiterate what he has said and ask when he plans to send the acknowledgment of service? you can draft this in a neutral and innocent way so he is not suspicious. Once you have his response you can ask the court to use it as evidence of 'deemed service'. That will save the cost of using a process server.

I will stop stressing about the signature now. He will sign as soon as he realises I am not pushing him to do so. The fun will be gone. He loves having this power over me.

Reading more about relationship dynamics, DARVO is a standard for him.

This is SO spot on, it is scary:
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, it is not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did.
You deserved it.’

I don't know what the divorce process is - what happens if he doesn't sign? Can you still go ahead and divorce him?

Where's the ending? I need to know. She's a fucking wonder

@Axx

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4952271-i-was-with-work-colleagues-last-night-and-was-shocked-to-learn-i-was-a-mumsnet-legend?page=2&reply=133960608

Hearing Coats came out the other end was a good read!

I feel something is brewing. Is he going to announce the truth? or that he will move out? I don't know how I should react. So far it was head down and holding my cards close.

Was he shocked to get the email about the divorce OP?

What makes you think something is brewing?

Does he seem to be spending any time with OW?

I would prepare to grey rock any announcements. Have something ready to say like ‘ok. thanks for letting me know.’
or ‘ok. I’ll speak to my solicitor and get back to you or your solicitor if you have one now?’

Have plenty of places to go and people to see. If he makes a big announcement have somewhere to go - friend or family on standby? - so that he doesn’t drag you into and upsetting argument etc. I find they like to create drama so they can say you’re ‘crazy’ etc as a way of justifying their actions even just to themselves. Sigh

💐

OP, I think you may need to be prepared that in reality he has no intention of leaving and doesn't really want a divorce if truth known.

He's been happily cake eating for 2 years. Likely OW has put him under pressure and he's done her bidding of telling you he wants to end your marriage but in reality, he just doesn't want to make this reality or public ( cake eating/secrecy of affair much more exciting in his eyes). Once reality hits he will be begging to stay.

If he was really leaving for OW he would have done it within 9mths of meeting her.

If things get messy, The powder gets wet and it all goes to hell...

From your mutual connection friend with OW, could you send her everything and ask.her to make him sign the papers.

Then if she doesn't LTB cause she can see you're in fact not happily separated and you're not the one being difficult,

Maybe he will sign them to salvage that relationship as your one won't be salvageable?

Hope you're ok OP. If something is fermenting then plan to leave the house to give you time to process.

I think you have really shocked him by serving papers and things may not be as rosy with the OW as he thinks. He wasn't ready.... (after 2 years!) Boo hoo

@KeziaOAP thank you

Has he seen his own solicitor maybe?
I expect he's thinks he has the winnning card, & tell you he's shacking up with OW. Deliberately to cause you pain.
I think you need to be ready to laugh in his face when he tells you he's shacking up with the "love of his life".
No matter how much it hurts.

How about, "Oh great, thats perfect it should all move along pronto then ..."

Or How sweet "OW's name" is finally getting her prince...

Then about turn, "I'm off out now, byeeee". Go cry in your car.

yes he was absolutely shocked how quickly I made the decision to file. she seems to be in a long term relationship too, so I wonder if she now feels the pressure from my very needy H. I hope he'll push her away, as i'm sure he will now be in a hurry to seal the deal with her. Could be ending up with neither of us, poor thing.

Could be ending up with neither of us, poor thing

🤣🤣

Do you happen to know if the OW's husband knows about the affair?

doesn't look like it. I will be happy to share all evidence with him once my own divorce is all done and dusted. He might need the proof I have for his own divorce, or decision making, down the line. I'll not tell him before my divorce final.

Wowsers.
Seriously, what a pair of skanks.
They truly deserve one another.

I'm more vicious than you.
I'd hope OW would stay with her partner. That way your total filth of a husband is shafted.
Not for long obviously, but long enough to have regrets