Is this the script? Handhold please

[Whatachliche]

I can't believe I'm typing this - after 25 years my HB wants to move out.

When he left for a recent work trip, we were both set to work on our relationship with a therapist. after his return, he has a new gym routine, bought new underwear and has decided he is not feeling emotionally connected to me anymore and he is too 'confused' to know what he wants.

This is the f* script right?

there have been struggles like loss and illness and an unhealthy communication style from his side but we just started couples therapy to work on our relationship and turn things around. now this.

Do I entertain his quest for space or do I believe the signs of the script and just start divorce? I don't want to look through his phone, I think I can't deal with the truth. I rather walk away without knowing if that makes sense, or is that just the fear of no point of return?

Well done OP.
You’ve taken the power back. They hate this.
He’ll be fuming as it’s pushing him to make this decision which he’s been putting off for two years.
Start visibly moving on. Having fun. Going out. It will kill him.

I probably wouldn’t reveal the affair. Though I might mess with him a bit. Like, why won’t you sign? Surely it will mean you’re free to be with who you want to be? You can leave me behind- you know the person who’s been holding you back all these years? Carpe diem, soon to be ex husband! Then flounce off to your new class/hobby/lunch etc.

I honestly believe if he wanted to be with her he would have done so by now. And it will be fun watching him get stuck with OW when you are free to do what you want!

Obviously I know this all hurts. But he left you no choice. You have to protect yourself and I personally would enjoy pushing him off to an OW he doesn’t seem that eager to be with.

💐

REMAIN THE EAGLE .... please don't reveal you know. . He will sign eventually, it's just shocked him. Like an eagle swooping on the rabbit but not grabbing it. . The OW will soon wonder why he's not signing when it's been offered. Because he will tell her you've served the papers. Oooohh. That's might even cause a row between them!!! Please fellow MN tell @Whatachliche to remain an EAGLE.

I agree with @Shouldbeworkingnotreadingtalk

The time to tell him you know about the OW has not yet arrived.

It'll have so much more impact if you can eventually tell him (airily) that you knew all about his affair weeks before you filed for the divorce.

Wait till he's signed and wait till the financials are finalised.

And in the meantime, get a new haircut and colour, buy some new clothes that make you look fabulous, and go out without him. Don't even tell him where you're going. Let him think you've got a new bloke. Let him think you're moving on.

All divorces are no blame now . You don't need a reason anymore

I hear you - it's safe to assume he will not care if I know about the OW, zero remorse. he also will rightly assume his family will stand by him after an initial shock. Friends will just want to stay out of it...all it does is saving him the hassle of breaking the news to me when he decides to move out...

In one sense he won't care (lack of remorse) but I think he will be furious that you've known for a while and kept it to yourself. Imagine you having that much control and having the better of him! That's what he'll care about!

I hope you have copies of all those messages - when the time comes you can let him know that - he'll hate it!

Keep hovering Ms Eagle - you're doing a grand job.

It probably is about control, wanting to feel as if he has the upper hand.
And by not backing down trying to force OP to make some sort of confession/concession.
I think it's probably best to not react to his refusal to sign because ultimately there's nothing he can do to stop the divorce. If you fold you will be sending a message to that he can get you to back down over other things. I think stand firm, hold the line etc.

See your solicitor obviously about next step. I personally don’t know what happens if one party refuses to divorce your solicitor should be able to advise. (But at the very least you can immediately go for an immediate legal separation I would’ve thought? This will make your financial affairs, completely separate. Obviously get legal advice here, as I’m not sure).

If it were me I would say “look you’ve got a new girlfriend, our marriage is over, and we can do this as easily or difficult as you want to make it. The more difficult, the more expensive for both of us”. You can ask him why he won’t agreee to divoricr you but it is a. irrelevant and b. may muddy the waters emotionally for you. on the other hand, you can see for yourself, his most likely ridiculous emotional twistedness. Your marriage has been “mostly awful” according to him, but he doesn’t want to divorce you?!

I don’t think you need to tell him how MUCH you know about him having a new girlfriend, or HOW you found out either. You just know, matter of fact and there’s obviously nothing more to discuss, end of. But since you are divorcing, you might as well let the cat out of the bag. Also you can tell everyone. So he looks a little s* as well. It sounds like he’s going to be difficult anyway.

Hopefully, he’s not going to get nasty, but there is a chance he might. In the meantime, I would put all your important personal possessions somewhere that he cannot access. E.g., personal papers, photographs, jewellery, diaries, etc.

I think I would calmly say.
"Actually you cannot refuse the divorce, (why would you ?)
I shall simply instruct my solicitor to move to the next step.
It will cost you more, but hey ho."

My take on it, is he hasn't actually made the decision to jump ship. He's been dragging it out for 2 years after all.
He is going to lose his house,standing,face. You have forced him to the point where he now has to go shack up with OW, or has nothing

The ideal would be if a mutual acquaintance told OW you had asked for a divorce & he had refused.
So she goes batshit
& he knows his affair is common knowledge.
Double whammy

Pop a copy through her letter-box ....

Ha, or the OW isn't actually willing to take him on full time and he knows he's gonna be left out in the cold with nowhere to go 😂

I think I would calmly say.
"Actually you cannot refuse the divorce, (why would you ?)
I shall simply instruct my solicitor to move to the next step.
It will cost you more, but hey ho."

This is ideal wording, I would say. Demonstrates your own lack of interest in his silliness, and the fact that it won't change a thing.

I think I would calmly say.
"Actually you cannot refuse the divorce, (why would you ?)
I shall simply instruct my solicitor to move to the next step.
It will cost you more, but hey ho."

This. He can’t refuse to divorce you the idiot! No fault divorce nowadays - does he really think it’s up to him?😂

Im the poster who diagnosed tour dh as a textbook narc OP - and I stand by it!

Its all about control, that’s all - you’ve stolen his thunder and are one (or 2 or 3!) steps ahead of him and he can’t process it - he HAS to be the one calling the shots, poor lamb.

Though I know it’s probably the right thing long term it must be so hard keeping schtum about what you’ve discovered. You are being SO strong not telling him what you know - I know I couldn’t do it.

Bravo to you 👏

Oh - thought he knew you knew he had someone in the wings!!

If he DOESN’T know you know I guess it could be better to not mention it.

The “less he knows you know” the better, at least until the financials are all finalised and then you can tell everyone if you want.

Also, in the meantime you may get some small pleasure from seeing him do emotional and strategic and manipulative sometsaults - from afar so to speak!

Leave him to stew on it for while.
Agree with others here, he wasn't expecting this from you and has realised that he's not in control of the narrative.

I also agree that he and OW haven't lined up their ducks properly just yet and he really thought he'd drop it all on you once he was ready, leaving you to scramble to keep up.
^
Once he's had a chance to skew the narrative to one that he can live with^ and that paints him in a better light to others, he'll sign.

Let him know in the most casual way possible that you just don't want him anymore. This will bruise his over inflated ego more than anything else.
Save the bomb until the financials are finished and signed.
Perhaps don't tell him directly that you knew about his sordid affair but tell absolutely everyone in your circle.

He may have wanted the narrative that you were objecting to the divorce to buy him time with the OW, who knows, who cares.

This with knobs on!

Why is he dithering, is she married too?
Maybe OW has realised he's not much of a catch after all and is stalling.

It would be the ultimate comeuppance if he got kicked to the kerb by both women!

Has the OW got children?

Well done OP !!!! You are doing so well, it must be so unpleasant. Keep strong.

Make sure you're protected financially, and all precious to you items are secure, maybe ask a close friend to keep them for you.

I agree with the poster who said to calmly say you can't prevent the divorce etc. He's probably thinking f**k what do i do now, as the narrative of poor neglected husband won't wash now will it. Once you have your absolute which doesn't take that long really, I'd dismissively and casually mention that you've known all along, and that you decided to clean out the crap, after all you can't polish a turd.
When I divorced my first husband I framed my decree absolute and hung it in the loo.

I’ve just picked up and read the thread. You’re doing so incredibly well. Continue to be the eagle, dispassionate and disconnected. I also like the phrasing from Mix96. You’ll be able to reveal you knew about his gf for some time at a later date and once the divorce is settled.

I do wonder if he thought you’d beg him to stay. He’s not a catch at all. He’s a messed up man, who values himself much too highly. He will come unstuck once he no longer has you for support. It’s happening already and he doesn’t like it.

you are correct, it is all about control. asking him why he doesn't sign, the reasons change from no time, to wifi not working, to he needs a solicitor first, to he'll do it tomorrow.

He wants to make this as awkward and painful as possible - which is so not relatable at all, HE is the one cheating after all.

For some reason betraying me / leaving me is not enough, I also need to be punished?

@Imjustagirlintheworld I was wondering about narcissistic behaviour, he is not textbook. definitely not an overt narc, maybe covert? one thing looking back that really jumps out is that whenever he didn't want to do anything, he'd never say straight up: no, sorry, that's not working for me. it would always be a twist, a change of circumstance, maybe some minor illness that gets in the way. he is usually operating via a 'death by thousand cuts' to get what he wants, never direct, never straight up. a lot of gaslighting: we never agreed to go and see that film (after I already bought tickets) rewriting history comes effortless to him, looking back it is like second nature, it doesn't cost him any energy to twist the truth about agreements and situations.

to everyone wondering about eagle-mode : will keep my powder dry, say nothing. this one an one-time power move and I must use it wisely and at the right time

My take on it, is he hasn't actually made the decision to jump ship. He's been dragging it out for 2 years after all

Yup with knobs on. Then at some point he was going to drop the bombshell on poor emotionally and financially unprepared wife who still hopes their marriage can be saved that he's in love with someone else and wants/has started divorce proceedings. Instead of which, OP knows about OW, is several moves ahead of him and he's not the one in control, she is.

Absolutely bloody brilliant moves, OP.

Your story could be my story almost to the word

I also instigated a divorce and I can see now looking back that he was really shocked by this, he didn’t expect that I would take control and it really threw him

Being well on the other side of it now I can say that what really helped me was realising that I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want to do - no meetings or contact except through my solicitor. I had to see him due to having children involved but I kept it all very ‘official’ and business like. I told everyone what he had been up to but kept it from the children - when I remarried 10 years later my son made a speech that made it clear to everyone that he knew what was what but I kept my integrity and that was very important to me. He has to live with what he has done for the rest of his life and at big occasions such as weddings and special birthdays of your children it will come home to roost whether he shows it or not

The other thing that really helped me was keeping a notebook where I wrote down everything I was feeling. I’d have done anything in the beginning to get him back but writing everything down did clarify things for me and stopped me begging him to come home or texting when it really wasn’t a good idea. I’ve burnt the books now but when I read them back to myself years later I hardly recognised myself - I’m so much stronger now (and I thought I was strong then!)

Youre not the first to go through this and sadly you certainly won’t be the last but I’m sure that most of us have come through it - in the end all will be well, it really will.