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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this the script? Handhold please

995 replies

Whatachliche · 10/02/2024 21:37

I can't believe I'm typing this - after 25 years my HB wants to move out.

When he left for a recent work trip, we were both set to work on our relationship with a therapist. after his return, he has a new gym routine, bought new underwear and has decided he is not feeling emotionally connected to me anymore and he is too 'confused' to know what he wants.

This is the f* script right?

there have been struggles like loss and illness and an unhealthy communication style from his side but we just started couples therapy to work on our relationship and turn things around. now this.

Do I entertain his quest for space or do I believe the signs of the script and just start divorce? I don't want to look through his phone, I think I can't deal with the truth. I rather walk away without knowing if that makes sense, or is that just the fear of no point of return?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Acornsoup · 18/03/2024 11:48

It looks like he wants/expects you to do the pick me dance. It must be very disappointing for him that you aren't Smile

RandomMess · 18/03/2024 11:52

Well yes if OW doesn't work out it's clear you won't have him back. His poor little ego taking a battering.

Gloriosaford · 18/03/2024 12:08

What really helps me is a visual a pp gave me: I'm an eagle, flying high above him. he is a rabbit in the grass, no idea it is being watched
That was me and here it is again 😁
🦅
🐇
Knowledge is power you have more knowledge than he does, he doesn't know that you know, ergo you have more power. It's a matter of wielding it in the right way, playing your cards right etc.
And obviously not giving your power away by letting him know that you know! Even though you are in the eagle position give the impression that you are some other much less intimidating being.

Thewookiemustgo · 18/03/2024 12:15

It’s very hard emotionally to just switch off feelings for someone you have spent 25 years of your life with. Allow yourself time to grieve, as your life moves on and improves (it will) in the future you might still feel a sadness about it all, but not the pain and missing him you feel now. It honestly will fade.
Ignore the history re-write, it’s bollocks. He was bloody fine until his head turned and his ego got boosted in an affair.
He knows this, but it makes him feel like the shit he actually is and he can’t stand that knowledge, he wants to be a good guy but everything he’s done and is doing is screaming at him that he’s not. So….. he needs a scapegoat and he needs to be the victim of something, not the perpetrator. So suddenly it’s apparently your fault, the marriage’s fault and he’s been a victim of a shit relationship for 25 years and actually, hold on, he’s a total saint for putting up with all this! There, he feels better already. Utter rubbish. He’s been lying for so long he believes his own codswallop. He has to believe the lies he’s telling himself (and you) because if this bullshit isn’t the truth, then he’s just a common or garden cheating bastard who just ripped up a 25 year good relationship for an ego boost and trampled on the woman who gave him those good 25 years and who loves him. He can’t have that, now can he, the poor lamb?
One day at a time, OP, one foot in front of the other. He’s yet another damn fool who hasn’t woken up and smelled it yet. Your cool, level-headed actions are stirring up more of this crap from him because he wasn’t expecting this, you appear to be considering life without him…..you haven’t read the script….you’re supposed to be curled up in a corner, devastated and sobbing for him to come back.
Keep going OP, don’t listen to him desperately trying to preserve his self-image. Deep down he knows the truth and it absolutely stinks. He’ll never get rid of that smell. Hold on and take care of yourself. X

Mix56 · 18/03/2024 13:02

Rewriting history is also sadly the script.

If you are able to buy him out, could you just present him with the offer?
That way he can take his money & leave as soon as the paperwork is done.
The divorce papers will then happen at a future date

At least you shorten the purgatory

TheShellBeach · 18/03/2024 13:51

I wish I could just stop my emotional bond to him

It won't be easy just to switch that off yet, @Whatachliche

I found that, too. Despite his unfathomable cruelty to me, I still loved him. For quite a while.

It took about eighteen months for that to go away. But afterwards, I just despised him.

SoRainbowRhythms · 18/03/2024 13:55

@Whatachliche late to this thread but I went through exactly the same thing about a month before you. Just wanted to send you love and solidarity. These cowardly men can fuck right off x

Newestname002 · 18/03/2024 14:21

Hatty65 · 17/03/2024 21:25

We talked today, and he insisted that most of our 25 years together were awful, and he doesn't understand how I can't see it like it really was'

Try and remain detached and neutral and simply say 'I don't remember it that way but it's clear that you wish to re-write history, so there is nothing more to be said. It is a great pity that you didn't leave 20 years ago if you honestly felt like that'.

Yes he's an absolute liar and is saying it to hurt you. It really shows you what a bottom feeder he is - if it was that bad he'd have voted with his feet long before now. Instead he stayed and pretended to be a good guy and got all the benefits of living with you. 🌹

ZaphodDent · 18/03/2024 14:58

I don't have anything to add, except to say you're doing amazingly well and it's completely understandable that you still feel for him. That is inevitable because you're a loving person and it will take time for your heart to catch up with your head. But it will soon enough, and then equilibrium will be restored, and you will feel centered again. Good luck x

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 18/03/2024 15:05

@Whatachliche Get yourself a journal and write down all the fantasies you have of blowing his life apart. From telling all his family and friends about his infidedelity to screaming in his face everything you want to tell him about his lies and his rewriting of history. Oh, and include stuff about the OW dumping him for a younger man, finding out he's really boring and drops his socks on the floor - everything.

Write it all down. It helps you not to bottle it up, it gets it out of your system and helps you to cope. It also gives you something to read back in years to come - when you won't be able to believe that you ever felt so strongly about the little tick.

Bovrilla · 18/03/2024 19:46

OP, from your eagle's perspective, just keep repeating to yourself: he's such a cliché. It's so clichéd what he's done that it's almost like a bad movie (if it wasn't for you getting whacked with it, and the consequences).

KOKO, his just desserts will come. Save your emotions and energy for someone worth your time, love and care, ie you.

Original poster
Whatachliche · 18/03/2024 20:33

Imjustagirlintheworld · 18/03/2024 15:37

every single word is on point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatachliche · 18/03/2024 20:33

Bovrilla · 18/03/2024 19:46

OP, from your eagle's perspective, just keep repeating to yourself: he's such a cliché. It's so clichéd what he's done that it's almost like a bad movie (if it wasn't for you getting whacked with it, and the consequences).

KOKO, his just desserts will come. Save your emotions and energy for someone worth your time, love and care, ie you.

'eagles perspective' ... excellent visual 🙌

OP posts:
QueenBitch666 · 18/03/2024 20:56

I read the full thread this afternoon while nursing the lurgy. Just wanted to add, you're an amazingly strong woman. You can do this. Massive shout out and respect to the strong women sharing their stories and giving their support. Mumsnet at its finest Flowers

ILoveNigelTufnel · 18/03/2024 21:36

As someone who has been there, done that, got the shit t-shirt for a club no one wants to be part of etc you’re doing a grand job of dealing with everything.

Sending positive vibes that he fucks off soon and you can continue to be awesome without such a nasty piece of work.

The best revenge is a life well lived (but cleaning the toilet with his toothbrush comes a close second).

LookAwe · 19/03/2024 05:27

Feelings is feelings, but the rent is the rent! A woman needs a place to live and I think it’s right for your focus to be on the outcome there. I think it’s also OK to put difficult feelings aside temporarily whilst you deal with the practical aspects of your situation. Your unconscious will be processing everything anyway for you and helping you as you move through the days and weeks ahead, though most of this healing will be going on invisibly, behind the scenes. Try and get plenty of rest. I’m sure it’s normal to be thinking “rabbit pie” one minute and disassociation or sadness the next. You sound amazingly together all
things told,
keep going.

Acornsoup · 19/03/2024 06:41

Eventually you will find your anger and then you will find your peace. It won't seem like it now but there will come a time when you feel nothing for him. Not hate, not regret, not loss. You will be just be glad that you got out and you are living on your own terms. No more compromise, no more trying to make someone else happy. It's a great place to be, very liberating Flowers

Original poster
Whatachliche · 19/03/2024 08:29

Gloriosaford · 18/03/2024 12:08

What really helps me is a visual a pp gave me: I'm an eagle, flying high above him. he is a rabbit in the grass, no idea it is being watched
That was me and here it is again 😁
🦅
🐇
Knowledge is power you have more knowledge than he does, he doesn't know that you know, ergo you have more power. It's a matter of wielding it in the right way, playing your cards right etc.
And obviously not giving your power away by letting him know that you know! Even though you are in the eagle position give the impression that you are some other much less intimidating being.

I'm daily visualising this view
🦅
🐇

and it is calming and powerful!

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatachliche · 19/03/2024 08:46

I followed some leads and realised a I know a person close to the OW. That person doesn't know the whole picture and has given some insights quite happily. together with a date in their messages that felt obscure when reading, seems like my H and OW are planning a weekend away. He has already asked me to move a dinner with friends HE had planned that weekend (obviously I'll forget to do this)
I'm now thinking to suggest to invite his mother over that weekend, just to watch him panic and squirm.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/03/2024 09:05

😂😂😂😂😂

Please do.

Dexterrolledoffthesofa · 19/03/2024 09:23

Oh yes - please! Do that!

Dexterrolledoffthesofa · 19/03/2024 09:23

It must be so difficult not letting him know that you know. I really admire you not letting it slip!