Is this the script? Handhold please

[Whatachliche]

I can't believe I'm typing this - after 25 years my HB wants to move out.

When he left for a recent work trip, we were both set to work on our relationship with a therapist. after his return, he has a new gym routine, bought new underwear and has decided he is not feeling emotionally connected to me anymore and he is too 'confused' to know what he wants.

This is the f* script right?

there have been struggles like loss and illness and an unhealthy communication style from his side but we just started couples therapy to work on our relationship and turn things around. now this.

Do I entertain his quest for space or do I believe the signs of the script and just start divorce? I don't want to look through his phone, I think I can't deal with the truth. I rather walk away without knowing if that makes sense, or is that just the fear of no point of return?

my ducks are in a row, my solicitor says there is nothing more to do at the moment.

I'm still not letting him know that I know.

Emotionally I'm really struggling, even though I have support from friends. I want revenge, but not in the shape of kicking him out and screaming and yelling at him. It needs to be happening once the divorce is over and I'm safe in my financial and housing position. I realised his family will both care about the details of the affair, no point telling them now or then. I hate feeling so powerless. Yes, I filed for divorce, but this only plays into his hands. I'm doing the legwork so he can be with the OW faster. He will bot be shocked by it, he will be delighted. I've never felt old, even though I'm nearly 50, but ever since I found pictures of her, so so much younger, I suddenly feel so old and wrinkly.

It's normal to feel like you want revenge, but bear in mind that will take up emotional space that is better spent elsewhere. He will get his comeuppance. It won't last with this ow, it rarely does.

My experience was, no matter how shitty his behaviour is, his friends and family probably won't care that much.

My experience of revenge is that is is best as 'a life well lived'.

I've (tried) to behave with dignity towards my ass wipe of an ex DH and have had a very successful, happy life without him. I don't see or speak to him now, but I know he is aware of where and how I live, which is better by far than where and how he lives! He has re-married, but does not appear to be particularly happy.

I really learned from a woman I knew who was so BITTER about her divorce that it ruined the rest of her life, and I was absolutely determined not to be her. My best recommendation OP would be to think of the things you have always wanted to do - or the places you have wanted to go - and focus on how you can achieve your ambitions without him. I think the thing that hurts them most is realising that you don't miss them and you are perfectly happy without them! It's damage to their egos.

My ex has ruined his own life, destroyed his health by drinking, he has mobility problems now.
I go running swimming cycling, lift weights, do yoga.
When we were together he prioritized football and drinking over me.
I had no need to take revenge, I just stood back and watched.

her, so so much younger
She'll soon dump him for some hot young stud.

This is why it's so important to try as much as possible to not think about him or consider his needs. Just think of yourself. If your actions make life easier for him, shrug it off. Fuck him (not literally 😑). STOP thinking about him. Do whatever suits you best. I know you just want to go back to how life was before but that option is off table. In the longer term, seeking revenge will make you feel worse. Be very clear about exactly what you want next. If it pisses him off, tough shit and if conversely it suits him, meh, whatever.

Think of it as doing the leg work to rid yourself of this cheating dead-weight rather than to facilitate anything for him .

I hear you. I know my wish for revenge is not healthy. I don't want to become bitter. I think the yearning for revenge is from a place of wanting some kind of control back. At the moment I feel spiralling out of control, losing everything I loved.

We talked today, and he insisted that most of our 25 years together were awful, and he doesn't understand how I can't see it like it really was' Rewriting history masterclass. I'm losing all respect for him.

We talked today, and he insisted that most of our 25 years together were awful, and he doesn't understand how I can't see it like it really was'

Try and remain detached and neutral and simply say 'I don't remember it that way but it's clear that you wish to re-write history, so there is nothing more to be said. It is a great pity that you didn't leave 20 years ago if you honestly felt like that'.

I think the impulse for revenge is also to do with a deep need to even the score, for fairness & justice. I think it's normal & natural but it tends to lead to bad things, and that's why it's in our long term best interests to resist it.
The problem of what to do about people who wont play by the rules, who cheat. is huge complex & thorny.
(well that's my take on it anyway!)

I’ve just read the whole thread. I’m so sorry for everything that you’re going through. But I’m also slightly in awe of how you’re handling everything. But also a bit baffled as to why you’re going to give him such an easy ride and put up with his lies/live with him for the next six months. I’d be inclined to tell him, not let living at home feel so good now he knows his lies aren’t working anymore. The divorce will happen anyway. And it might push him out sooner. Let her listen to his daily bullshit. You’ve got to feel a bit sorry for her - even when he could leave and go to her he isn’t. It’s taken him two years of stringing her along too. She’s not exactly getting a prize.

We talked today, and he insisted that most of our 25 years together were awful, and he doesn't understand how I can't see it like it really was' Rewriting history masterclass. I'm losing all respect for him.

OMG what a complete bastard.

Hold your head up OP, do not lower yourself to his or OW's level. He is totally rewiting history with his vile comments and you're best reply would be to ask why he didn't leave sooner and I'd be tempted to add, well you'll soon be free to find the perfect woman. Then leave it at that. If you grey rock him he will be totally confused.

Just show no interest in him, tell him nothing and go about your business without involving him in any way. Keep your cards close to your chest and protect yourself.

The living situation is an issue indeed, your questions are valid and I'm not sure how to cross that bridge.
He already has announced that he will not contribute to the mortgage should he move out before the divorce is finalised, which will create a budget problem for me. But on the other hand, I'd prefer him to move out from a MH perspective... Can he refuse to pay his share of the mortgage? It is still his flat and he will get paid out, after all. Question for my solicitor?

My father stopped paying the mortgage after he moved out to be with his other woman. My mother was only working part-time and there was no way she could pay it on her own. I'd just left home and both my brothers were over 18 so he had no legal obligation to put a roof over their heads.

In the end my father took my mother to court to force the sale of the house...all in all it took 18 months before the house was sold, the mortgage hadn't been paid in all that time. The penalties the bank imposed wiped out most of the equity.

This was nearly 35 years ago, I doubt any bank would wait as long nowadays. I'd definitely get in touch with your solicitor regarding this.

I’m so sorry OP. You deserve better.
Massively impressed by your strength.
Until the divorce is through, I wouldn’t tell him you know. It would likely make him even crueller, taking her calls in front of you etc.

I’d save that gem for one day in the future. There will be a perfect opportunity. Let’s say he decides to tell you that he ‘just met someone’ closer to the divorce, you can burst out laughing and say, are you going to pretend you just met Susan who you’ve been seeing for 2 years? My friends will love this when I tell them.

Did you look into buying him out? Or did you decide you want a fresh start?

💐

Have you spoken to the mortgage provider about taking a payment holiday or going interest only?

good idea, I'll look into this!

Today is a tough morning. despite all the cruel and mean things he said and done to me in the last weeks, I do tend to wake up with a sense of deeply missing him. I wish I could just stop my emotional bond to him.

If he moves out I believe he can refuse to pay his share of the mortgage in lieu of you getting to live in his half of the property. I guess it depends on how bothered you think he’ll be about his credit rating should you fall behind with the payments.

I don’t think you’re giving him an easy ride to not let on you know - it’s self preservation to maximise the chances of getting the financial outcome that you want. My best friend at primary school would often punish me by not speaking to me for days if didn’t do exactly what she wanted; I remember saying to her once “well I’m going to stop talking to you” to which she gave me a withering look and replied “So what? I don’t care.” I’d made the mistake of assuming her world view was aligned with mine, but because it wasn’t, what I saw as meaningful consequences simply bounced off her like water off a duck’s back and it left me in an even more powerless position. As delightful as it might be to imagine The Big Reveal your H’s moral compass isn’t going to allow him to feel shame or remorse or any kind of respect for you, it’s simply going to piss him off. I think you’re being very wise to keep things low key for now because your H strikes me as the type to think “to hell with it” and go all out to fight/punish you financially.

Remember he’s at least two years ahead of you emotionally, your brain hasn’t yet caught up with the man he is today vs the man you thought he was for years. Don’t be too hard on yourself for not being able to switch off from him just like that, you’re grieving a loss and it’s going to take time

Thanks for your insight there - yes the keeping my powder dry approach is my gut feeling. I feel a cruelty lingering underneath his way of talking since it all kicked off. it comes out when I'm testing and pushing, when I mention his brother or family (he doesn't want me to be in touch with his family) I can sense a panic from him in those moments and a coldness I never thought was possible. I also understand is just a preview and I'll unleash someone cruel and cold beyond imagination if I reveal that I know.
What really helps me is a visual a pp gave me: I'm an eagle, flying high above him. he is a rabbit in the grass, no idea it is being watched.

with all this my silly heart does miss im. I just wished there was a shortcut to overcome this feeling of connection

No your heart’s not silly. You’ve lost someone you love(d), you’d be as cold as he is if you could switch it off just like that. I’m so sorry it hurts right now - think happy thoughts that freedom and rabbit pie lie ahead!

Sounds like the only "revenge" would be post divorce is letting his family know that you discovered the affair started on X so he deceived you all and you are very saddened that he is forbidding you from being in touch with them.

@RandomMess always gives the best advice and I agree.
When this is done and sorted financially and he can’t do anything else, then a letter or email, to them and copy in him saying you knew about XYZ all along, and here it is, and you don’t like being treated like you’ve done something wrong when you hadn’t been the deceitful one, and how much easier it would have been if he’d been truthful from the start and he had the courage to leave you instead of stringing you along. But it was nice knowing them, it’s done now, and you wish his family well. Block him forever then

Yes
After everything is finalised and theres no chance of him being able to financially f you over
I'd send a message to anyone on his side who you would still like to keep in your life and explain that although your relationship has broken down you would still like to keep in contact
Then I'd add 'I wish ex and (insert ow name) all future happiness and no hard feelings '
I know you won't mean it but him thinking you don't give a shit whilst simultaneously letting the cat out of the bag and then going off to live your best life is the ultimate revenge .

I also wonder if he’s being a huge arse because you’re not begging him. It’s just all happening and maybe he’s confused why you’re not begging for him, so he’s doubling down on being a huge prick