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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this the script? Handhold please

995 replies

Whatachliche · 10/02/2024 21:37

I can't believe I'm typing this - after 25 years my HB wants to move out.

When he left for a recent work trip, we were both set to work on our relationship with a therapist. after his return, he has a new gym routine, bought new underwear and has decided he is not feeling emotionally connected to me anymore and he is too 'confused' to know what he wants.

This is the f* script right?

there have been struggles like loss and illness and an unhealthy communication style from his side but we just started couples therapy to work on our relationship and turn things around. now this.

Do I entertain his quest for space or do I believe the signs of the script and just start divorce? I don't want to look through his phone, I think I can't deal with the truth. I rather walk away without knowing if that makes sense, or is that just the fear of no point of return?

OP posts:
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Original poster
Whatachliche · 19/03/2024 09:27

Dexterrolledoffthesofa · 19/03/2024 09:23

It must be so difficult not letting him know that you know. I really admire you not letting it slip!

it's actually not - whenever we talk and I look at him, my heart takes over and ignores my head. because I still am somewhat in denial about OW, even tough I know the truth, I can tap into a space mentally where we are still a happy couple. looks like compartmentalising emotions works both ways, not just for him!

OP posts:
Dexterrolledoffthesofa · 19/03/2024 10:49

That's brilliant @Whatachliche

You're my hero

Gloriosaford · 19/03/2024 11:36

Whatachliche · 19/03/2024 09:27

it's actually not - whenever we talk and I look at him, my heart takes over and ignores my head. because I still am somewhat in denial about OW, even tough I know the truth, I can tap into a space mentally where we are still a happy couple. looks like compartmentalising emotions works both ways, not just for him!

Show quote history

Of course it works both ways and not just that, anything he can do you can do better

Catoo · 19/03/2024 12:44

Whatachliche · 19/03/2024 09:27

it's actually not - whenever we talk and I look at him, my heart takes over and ignores my head. because I still am somewhat in denial about OW, even tough I know the truth, I can tap into a space mentally where we are still a happy couple. looks like compartmentalising emotions works both ways, not just for him!

Show quote history

I’m so sorry OP. I know this pain and it hurts.

I know in theory you should kick him to the curb and move on. But we are all human and I know you just want him to change his mind.

If that is the case, you DO have some advantages here because you know what he’s up to. But you have to go against your instinct to always want to see him. You need to create space and absence and mystery. Also, for some reason he hasn’t moved in with OW. I wonder if this means he isn’t 100% sure. You could mess with his mind a bit here. I’ll leave that to you.

You can get busy. Be out quite a lot. Especially if you know he will be in. New places new friends new hobbies. Concerts and events etc. New clothes that you know he’ll notice. New cosmetics in the bathroom. Cook yourself new meals. Don’t cook his meals. Stay over at friends one night a week but alter the day so he doesn’t get used to your routine. No explanations but if he insists just be vague like he is ‘I stayed with a friend just weighing up my options and thinking about things, like you are I guess’. Grey rock is fun and you can say a lot of words and still be grey rocking. If you’re having a nice chat at some point, be the one to end it first (oh this was a nice chat thanks. I need to go and x now, catch you later) and leave the room and go and do something else. Oh and don’t actually catch him later. Leave him with a sense of he wanted more. If he’s being mean ‘ok this is mean I’ll catch you later’ and calmly walk into another room or head off out.

I assume you are now in separate rooms, move the furniture round in yours. Put up new pictures. Play music you like. He really will not like it at all. Repaint a room when he asks ‘just freshening it up for if we sell’.

At the moment you are predictable. OW is still more unknown and exciting. He may start to see you in an interesting new light. If he doesn’t then he wasn’t going to anyway but you will have started to reconnect with friends and have new interests and might start moving on yourself and finding his lying arse repulsive.

Could you buy him out? Get your home valued. I made mine an offer and at the thought of the cold hard cash he went 😆

Mix56 · 19/03/2024 14:16

I agree, you should start not being around when he expects you to be there.

HE invites people for dinner, & then what? You cook & play act happy couple ?
This is pure madness.

Let him cancel his own invite, you are not his secretary.
When he told you to cancel, the reply should be, "Hmm, not my remit"

WoodBurningStov · 19/03/2024 14:58

I think I'd start to live my own life, start to go out when he expects you to be home, as you said, forget to cancel the meal and invite his mother round. Make life just that little bit harder for him

Bovrilla · 19/03/2024 19:02

Oh definitely, enjoy sh*tting him up by inviting his mother over and forgetting to cancel.

Definitely starting LIVING your life in full, beautiful technicolour and leave him, his wishes etc behind. He deserves none of your time, energy or kindness so plant all of that time, energy and kindness into ground that will grow and bloom for YOU and not him.

Besides which, all of the living, being out etc, well it's lots of little micro revenges.... without him ever knowing anything about it. What a glorious thing.

Noshowlomo · 19/03/2024 19:09

I’m with @Bovrilla - lots of little micro-revenges. He won’t know you know, but it would still piss him off. He deserves to be pissed off every day!!

Original poster
Whatachliche · 20/03/2024 08:07

Yesterday I told my boss about divorcing. I did expect to feel humiliated and that my feeling of being cast aside and officially proofed un-lovable will be palpable in the room. This wasn't the case. I felt supported and he had some good advice for me. I didn't expect this. It made me feel that I can own the narrative of this situation. I will from now on not hide what is happening. I will be seeking much more (carefully selected) support. I will ask for help, which is not what I usually do.

OP posts:
Acornsoup · 20/03/2024 08:38

This is amazing OP. Good luck to you Flowers

Dexterrolledoffthesofa · 20/03/2024 09:44

That's great, @Whatachliche
You have nothing to be humiliated about. You have knowledge he doesn't, and knowledge is power!

Bluetrews25 · 20/03/2024 09:47

Most people are kind and are happy to give emotional support.
It can build long lasting friendships to do this.
Let people in. Flowers

LookAwe · 20/03/2024 14:01

Hopefully you will ignore a previous poster’s advice that you should be “unpredictable” as the new woman will be exciting 🙄. Or play-pretend stuff. I don’t see how there any going back from a man who said that most of the last 25 years of your relationship were awful. Just cruel and so insensitive. Keep your own counsel. Try and keep away from home if that helps (or stay in more of that is better!). Save your energies instead for best legal advice and plans to get out in a financially as good position as soon as reasonably possible. I am not sure but I there are legal grounds to force a sale if you are separated /divorced. So if he doesn’t accept a cash offer, I would go full steam ahead with that even if you have to accept a lower offer from a purchaser. Do you have family or others who can support you, even temporarily, with financial cash offer?

Thewookiemustgo · 20/03/2024 16:01

Well done OP. Affairs are not proof that we are unlovable, they are proof that our unfaithful partners have taken our love for granted and abused it and shown that they have a very rudimentary understanding of what real love is and what its value is.
You deserve better than this man. X

Mix56 · 20/03/2024 17:11

Well done, Hoorah for supportive boss!
This makes it unfortunately real.
Its so tragically common all these entitled men swopping out for a new model.
As you name says "what a cliché"
Its not your fault.

Original poster
Whatachliche · 21/03/2024 05:27

He has received the divorce notification via the official email - he is now refusing to sign.

Do I use my knowledge about the affair to push him to sign? My gut feeling is that if I reveal I know about his affair to make him sign, he will be even more difficult and refuse any active participation.

Or maybe I'm just so used to walking on eggshells around him? Or do you think this threat will get him going?

OP posts:
solice84 · 21/03/2024 06:05

What are his reasons for refusing ?
I still wouldn't let the cat out of the bag , you don't need a reason for divorce and his reasons are probably more to do with not quite having his own ducks in a row yet and feeling pressured .

SortingItOut · 21/03/2024 06:45

Whatachliche · 21/03/2024 05:27

He has received the divorce notification via the official email - he is now refusing to sign.

Do I use my knowledge about the affair to push him to sign? My gut feeling is that if I reveal I know about his affair to make him sign, he will be even more difficult and refuse any active participation.

Or maybe I'm just so used to walking on eggshells around him? Or do you think this threat will get him going?

Are you in the UK?

When I divorced my husband 3 years ago he had 3 options on the online form...agree to divorce, disagree or agree to divorce but disagree with reasons.
Is this still the same with no fault divorces?

Has he said why he won't sign?

I wouldn't be revealing my hand yet, he's probably annoyed that you've taken control and are leading the way.
He may come to his senses in a few days, I'd just let it lie for a little while.

Acornsoup · 21/03/2024 07:50

I would just carry on as you are. Wait a couple of days/weeks then maybe say. Is there any reason why you have declined the divorce? What will xxxxx think? Won't she be upset? It won't be a good look for you.

Bovrilla · 21/03/2024 07:50

Oh you've stolen his thunder so his pissed off. He wanted to do the serving of papers to his awful/deluded (insert unmitigated rubbish here) wife so he could see himself as the all conquering hero of his own story.

Instead you've taken him at face value and told him to sod off if he doesn't want to be here any more and it's deflated his little ego balloon.

Ah well, he will get over it

RMNofTikTok · 21/03/2024 07:52

Whatachliche · 21/03/2024 05:27

He has received the divorce notification via the official email - he is now refusing to sign.

Do I use my knowledge about the affair to push him to sign? My gut feeling is that if I reveal I know about his affair to make him sign, he will be even more difficult and refuse any active participation.

Or maybe I'm just so used to walking on eggshells around him? Or do you think this threat will get him going?

No, ask for a process server to serve him with the documents, the process server will then sign a court form as evidence of service and the divorce can proceed.

Windydaysandwetnights · 21/03/2024 08:02

Haven't seen what you cited in the divorce so offer quick no blame or suggest you will use ow and go for adultery..

WoodBurningStov · 21/03/2024 09:19

I think I'd tell him he has two choices, a quick, fair and stress free divorce, enabling him to run off into the sunset with his affair partner, or you could tell his friends and family about his affair, making it awful for everyone involved, however the end result would be the same ie divorce.

Then I might accidentally let slip to mil and a few friends about his affair anyway

KalaMush · 21/03/2024 09:21

Has he said why he's refusing to sign? Maybe he doesn't like you taking control?

EverybodyLTB · 21/03/2024 09:27

My EXH refused to sign but I just left it for a bit, eventually he started coming out with his reasons (which were ridiculous) and he did sign. One of my EXH reasons was that it was asking him to pay the court fee of I think about £500. I said ok I’ll pay it to be rid of you! This also was before no fault divorces so I had written to convince them that I couldn’t stay married to him. He took issue with the wording of something and I had to then refuse to attempt to change it to suit him. We went round in a circle for about a week or two and he signed after I transferred him the divorce fee.

Only you know OP how to deal with your STBXH. I’d be so tempted in your case to threaten to tell the OW that he refuses to divorce you, and that however he okays it you’ll be getting a divorce one way or another - he can get divorced the easy way or the hard way. I definitely agree with the general consensus on this thread re keeping your powder dry, but he can’t just drag this out while you hold a load of trump cards. You don’t even need to go all guns blazing necessarily….

I’ve missed it on the threads, is there anyone IRL, who knows him, to strategize with?