Is this the script? Handhold please

[Whatachliche]

I can't believe I'm typing this - after 25 years my HB wants to move out.

When he left for a recent work trip, we were both set to work on our relationship with a therapist. after his return, he has a new gym routine, bought new underwear and has decided he is not feeling emotionally connected to me anymore and he is too 'confused' to know what he wants.

This is the f* script right?

there have been struggles like loss and illness and an unhealthy communication style from his side but we just started couples therapy to work on our relationship and turn things around. now this.

Do I entertain his quest for space or do I believe the signs of the script and just start divorce? I don't want to look through his phone, I think I can't deal with the truth. I rather walk away without knowing if that makes sense, or is that just the fear of no point of return?

saying this, I still don't feel angry, and I think there is something quite wrong with that.
I also still want him to come back to me, which is also worryingly horrific from a self esteem perspective. What is wrong with me there? definitely something I need to explore a bit. His familiarity feels like a currency of higher value than my self respect?! pretty sad! I don't want to feel this, but I do!

It’s cognitive dissonance OP. Your brain is protecting itself from the trauma of what you know to be the truth. You will doubt yourself and wonder what you could have done differently - you just want things to go back to normal and that is natural - but what you have to understand is that your “normal” life with him isn’t normal at all. It’s all based on lies and deceit in order for him to feed the empty pit in his soul. A hole that will never be filled. Narcissists (and I believe he’s textbook) need constant supply of admiration and to feel like a great person. If things don’t work out with the OW he will simply move on to new supply. Image is everything to them, they often come across like really lovely, kind people who’ll do anything for anyone (except the one person they should really care about - their partner)
He’ll have been lovebombing the hell out of his OW and telling her a pack of lies too, as you’ve already discovered.

Honestly, if you haven’t already go on Instagram and check out the accounts from therapists who are experts in narcissists and personality disorders. It will help you realise better who he really is, why he does these things and lies so easily and why you, his victim, feel the way you do. Its abuse. It’s helped me a lot to understand what happened to me and has been really beneficial in getting over it because knowledge is power. This guy, Danish Bashir is one of my favourites:

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C4R-M0xv9GX/?igsh=aHZmYTgxNjlpMGlu

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C4D4jxYvdMP/?igsh=OGoxb283MHIxZDMz

And remember we are all here for you.

You may not feel ready to tell people in RL what’s happening at the moment whilst you’re still in shock and figuring things out yourself. Venting here and getting advice from people who’ve been through similar will help you through this 💐

Big hug and thinking of you

you are here. And all of you have NO IDEA what a lifeline you all are. All of you told me he is having an affair, I didn't want to believe it. It hink without your predictions the discovery would have given me a complete mental breakdown. Your messages gave me the chance to pep myself for the truth.

Denial is a sort of self protection.
You will be OK, it takes small tiny steps, the biggest challenge is accepting its all going to change, whether you like it, or are responsible, or not.
Such an upheaval is s major shock, accepting you future us now not looking the same
Waking up to the truth of what a degenerate, lying, p o s he is.
He is also lying to OW of course.

I couldn't play the game for that long. I'd have to tell him I knew. I couldn't stand listening to his lies and bullshit. Better to have a planned, calm conversation than lose your rag one day and blurt it all out.

My friend is a couple of years down the line, they do have older teens. Anyway he denied it for a whole year and was obviously test driving OW. He moved out after a year and the house is about to go on the market, he was still paying half the mortgage so she didn’t kick up a fuss. She was also a SAHM for a decade so viewed it as the longer married the more claim on his pension. She is doing much better now. Is about to change jobs, he has bought a house with his OW. His kids fucking hate him but are not daft so still see him as he partly funds them as both at University. I really think they won’t bother with him much after that. They have utter contempt.

I know emotionally it’s the worse thing ever but ultimately all you can do is get the best financial settlement possible. Stay strong you are doing really well. I would screen shot the OW messages and as soon as the decree absolute comes though let him know you knew all along but that as you actually have some class and YOU not him decided you did not need or want scum like him in your life.

Eventually you will see OW won the prize and got exactly what she deserved. A man she will never ever trust.

Sadly I have witnessed a number of affairs turned long terms relationships that went on to happily ever after. In all 3 cases the ones betraying their ex traded up and ended up with a lovely life. I'm somewhat not convinced of Karma and what comes around goes around works...

Well, my ex, who I thought loved me and who I had placed on a pedestal, abandoned me for another man, many years ago.

He was brutal and cruel in the way he did it.

25 years later, he lives alone in his hoarded house, with no friends and no social life.

Meanwhile, I eventually remarried and I am very happy.
So karma may take a while, but it'll happen.

sweet justice!

This is exactly what I want to do, after 20 years.
Move away from my husband and this country.
Sorry.

OP when you feel weak re-read this thread and listen to the sound advice of many women banded together to help you, guide you and hold your hand.

@Bookworm20 nails in the last few sentences (actually her posts are all really good) when she says to remember he’s lied to you for 2 whole years.

Two years. Keeping thinking about that when you feel weak.

We are all rooting for you.

Agreed.
Would he really ring the police to get back in the house? I'd say that that's extremely unlikely. As you said he'll look like a massive POS to everyone.

First of all, I'm so sorry you are going through this, it's unbelievably cruel.

You're not on you're own, we all are here to support you.
I have left 2 abusive marriages, (God can I pick em), and the strength and power I felt ending things on my terms was so empowering.
My first ball and chain was unfaithful too, and was an arse till I left. He was completely blindsided when I served him divorce papers citing adultery as well as mental cruelty.
This was nearly 20 years ago, he moved to Oz with his ow, abandoning and cutting off his 2 children with me. I was told recently, he's living in the bush in a caravan, on his own, toothless and bald, working as a septic tank emptier and very bitter, still harping on about me leaving him. Karma does visit, and going by his job, shit got real.
My second ex is an alcoholic, remarried to a miserable bint he can't stand.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that, although it hurts like hell now, just imagine your life in 2 years time, no cheating, lying, gaslighting or blaming you. Just confident happy you. You've got this, and just think of the dead weight you're dropping, let him be a millstone round the ow neck, they deserve each other.

Some translation for you.
"Not sure what to do" and "confused" = "Not sure if the other woman will have me" and "trying to hedge my bets while I decide whether she really is the better option".

I'm sorry OP. You deserve better.

I believe this is 100% spot on. I also think in case she would drop him (not likely at this stage) he would heavily lean on me to be consoled. He needs a mum, not a wife. Or a mom-wife, which is not me

So many helpful messages, there is so much wisdom in this thread. I find this thread more helpful than talking to my therapist, so thank you.

Something wonderful has happened. In desperate search of anger, I did re-read their messages. Whilst I still can't get angry (emotional malfunction? I'm reading up on repressed anger) i found I'm feeling THE ICK.
His messages are so cringy! over sharing, clumsy and - no surprise here - he is lying to her already. nothing big, but small lies on things that don't seem important. Which shows me the lying is so ingrained in his core being, he even does it to a person he obviously adores. I feel embarrassed for him. I am trying to hold on to this feeling!

Sorry if this has already been mentioned but has the divorce been applied for yet ?

Is it still possible to do a Dirty Den (EastEnders) style presenting divorce papers to unsuspecting partner thing? The whole of MN would be behind you on that!

Yes I sent it off - will take 3 weeks for him to receive.

He was always lying to her. It's clear after 2 years she wants him to shit or get off the pot, it's him that's stalling.

You rarely see karma. But you do occasionally hear about it. I never heard whether or not my ex got his comeuppance but what I do know is that I've got the kind of life that he always craved, but hasn't it in him to cultivate.

My ex would want a faithful devoted spouse and to be one as well but as he's never been faithful himself, he could never have that whole trust in anyone like I have. He's a persistent liar and mean spirited and it ultimately comes back to bite him and cost him good people in his life. I'm surrounded by lovely people. He would want a close loving relationship with his child, like my husband has with our DS, but my ex is too angry a man to ever have any child that's unfortunately anything but fearful of his moods.

So while I didn't get to see karma happen to him, and maybe it's not technically karma, every once in a while when I see how much I love my life after him when I thought I would never heal, is uplifting.

He is going to have a big shock.
He isnt ready for you taking control of his narrative.
Well done for getting the papers sent.
Just grey rock the shit out of him when he comes at you with how HE has decided the next part will be like.
Ex"that doesn't work for me"
"Oh well"
"Hmmm"
"No"

I think keeping your powder dry and duping him into thinking he's won is the best thing to do. You will get karma when you see his reaction when he finds out!

Hi OP. Is he away this weekend? If so, more opportunity to get ur ducks in a row.