Is this the script? Handhold please

[Whatachliche]

I can't believe I'm typing this - after 25 years my HB wants to move out.

When he left for a recent work trip, we were both set to work on our relationship with a therapist. after his return, he has a new gym routine, bought new underwear and has decided he is not feeling emotionally connected to me anymore and he is too 'confused' to know what he wants.

This is the f* script right?

there have been struggles like loss and illness and an unhealthy communication style from his side but we just started couples therapy to work on our relationship and turn things around. now this.

Do I entertain his quest for space or do I believe the signs of the script and just start divorce? I don't want to look through his phone, I think I can't deal with the truth. I rather walk away without knowing if that makes sense, or is that just the fear of no point of return?

You can't force him out I'm afraid. You either leave yourself or you live separate lives in the same house whilst the divorce is going through.

looks like there are 2 paths:
don't reveal I know, play clueless, have a fairly easy divorce - the price: shared separated life in our flat.

or:
reveal that I know, kick him out, have our flat as my sanctuary - the price: knowing him, he will make the divorce as difficult as possible

What's he going to do? Ring the police for one and cry. Legally, it's his house too and he can force entry. It sucks in situations like this but I guess it's only right because imagine if he tried to chuck her out of her own home and prevent access.

You need to get legal advice before you do anything else OP. You may be entitled to more than 50/50 if you have full or more than half custody of the DC. You may not need to sell. DH will need to maintain the property for the DC even when he's gone. There are so many variables here.

The best thing you can do is find out what your rights are and get organised without making him aware. When you are ready you can ask him to leave. He's the one calling the shots at the moment. And he really seems to be enjoying the power. He doesn't want to leave but when the vail is lifted there's no reason for him to stay.

When he's away change the locks and take his stuff to his parents. Let everyone know what he's done (obvs not the DC). Hopefully the guilt and shame will make him respect your wishes.

Agree with every word of this. You haven't said much about how you've divided domestic work up in the past but under no circumstances now lift one finger for him. Don't cook an extra portion cos its easier, don't chuck his clothes in the wash cos it makes a full load, do less than zero.

I have no idea of the legalities of this but one of us would have ended up under the patio if my ex-husband and I had to share a house. He was an insufferable arsehole by the end who mainly talked about Brexit and getting irate about inequality whilst living in a giant house in the nicest part-- of tow--n.

I left as quickly as I could to save my sanity, and also to not have to listen to his endless whining. BUT we didn't own our home, and it was easier to separate our finances. I am still bitter about my beautiful dining table and it cost me and arm and a leg to restart life with DS but happiness won over. Plus, I never have to listen to him wittering on about the same old rubbish. Or tell me he was 'bilious'.

My point is really, that although now it feels like you are going to lose so very much, what you will gain is your freedom of thought, and an honest life where you are not being cheated on.

According to one of her previous posts they do not have any children together.

That's probably a good thing.

He’s planning to leave anyway and wants the flat to be sold so he can set up shop with OW. He is unlikely to demand to return to live with the OP for the remaining 6 months before the financial settlement/ divorce if everything about the affair goes into the open together with hard proof. He would look like a POS to everyone and he obviously cares a lot about his image as he is carefully stage managing everything to look like they amicably split up “because we just grew apart” when OW was waiting in the wings all along. Then it will be “I’ve just met someone and it was instant attraction and I just knew!”

It might be better once the OP has finished her consult with the solicitor for her to present the ex with hard proof of the affair and ask him to move out. In addition “I’ve spoken to a solicitor and this is their opinion about the financial split. Please go and consult yours so that we may proceed with this separation now.”

In my experience of witnessing several divorces close hand, I don't believe there's such a thing as an easy divorce - not in circumstances like these.

He's going to make it hard whichever option you choose.

In your shoes, I'd find my anger & prepare for the fight.

Don't add the strain of pretending you don't know to what's going to be hard going.

See your solicitor, find out where you stand, get all the financial info you can find and then when you're ready, serve him papers with a side-order of "you pathetic coward".

And kick him out.

Solicitor says split of assets looks fairly 50/50, but I want to buy him out of the flat and need to keep him on board with this idea. I fear if I get confrontational, he will not agree a sensible amount and the flat goes in the open market.

I need to decide how much pride I can swallow to (maybe) keep my home.

This is why right now my tendency goes towards, powder dry, say nothing gat it all finalised.

saying this, I still don't feel angry, and I think there is something quite wrong with that.
I also still want him to come back to me, which is also worryingly horrific from a self esteem perspective. What is wrong with me there? definitely something I need to explore a bit. His familiarity feels like a currency of higher value than my self respect?! pretty sad! I don't want to feel this, but I do!

your feelings are valid - all of them. This is a shock to you, so please be gentle with yourself.
you need to be your own biggest protector now, and supporter, too. In time, you’ll be glad you were strong and didn’t look for help from the person who did this to you- but I know how powerful that instinct is now.
in time, your anger will show up. But this is an enormous shift!

thinking of you, OP. Hang in there.

You will get there OP. What you are feeling now is completely normal

I hope you have stopped doing anything for him
His washing
Meals
Shopping

You should be living as two separate people

Also it's not always good to get the house, don't forget the pension that could be worth a lot more.

all the practical things are in place.

solicitor advice - sounds solid, I'm following it. we both have roughly the same assets, there is nothing to gain from going after anything expect racking up huge solicitor bills.

cleaning / laundry / foodprep it is all a non issue without kids, it has not hit him with sudden shock to run a load of washing. on the contrary, he thrives in it - in a 'I can totally do my own laundry' way.

he is extremely content, has his cake and is eating it. My main focus now is to move on emotionally. I'm trying to connect the affair to the person I love, my brain is still refusing to accept that my person is doing this to me. I'm trying to find my anger, but there is non, just sadness.
I know I would possibly forgive him if he came back now, and I hate that I genuinely feel like this. He is lying to my face and instead if feeling furious I feel confused and weak.

Don't get me wrong, In will not give in to those feelings, I will stay on course with divorcing him and will not have him back because I know he will cheat again. But hose pathetic feelings are real and I struggle so much with them as they do not match how I see myself.

I also still want him to come back to me, which is also worryingly horrific from a self esteem perspective. What is wrong with me there? definitely something I need to explore a bit. His familiarity feels like a currency of higher value than my self respect?! pretty sad! I don't want to feel this, but I do!

This is totally understandable. And you hit the nail on the head with it being about his familiarity. This is what you have known and lived for many many years. Its so hard to let go because the thought of the unknown and him not being around is terrifying.
When I finally took the courage to split with my ex of 18 years, it took me so long to actuaklly make the decision, even though I knew it had to be done, because I was so scared of not having that familiarity in my life. Of being just me, on my own. And once split I was still trying to convince myself I could of been better, done more to salvage it it, questionning was it actually all my fault and was just not tolerant and unreasonable.
BUT that started to fade and it was only then that I realised how bloody happy I was without all that in my life anymore. I could breathe again. It was almost like a light bulb moment and someone had suddenly flicked the switch.
Its not going to be easy simply because you have made a whole life together. That life contains both of you, and to suddenly have it just contain you is scary.
He has been having an affair for 2 years OP. Its not a fleeting mid life crisis momentary loss of judgement on his part. This man has been lying to you, to your face for 2 whole years. He isn't the person you have in your head as the one you created this life with. He is a person who was prepared to and has hurt you beyond anything you can ever imagine.
He isn't your safety net anymore. He is the opposite of that now.

The best advice is certainly get your ducks in a row. Get advice from a solicitor, a good one. And go from there.

Although it feels like you are losing that safe familiar part of your life, you are not. He wasn't your safe person in the first place. He betrayed in you in the worst possible way. You are mourning the image of who you thought he was. The one in your head. He isn't that though and thats what you are finding so confusing.

Once hes gone you'll be amazed at the self esteem that creeps back into you. I was. I hadn't realised i'd lost so much of myself, until I HAD to be myself, on my own, and wow what an eye opener.

You've got this and you are handling it so, so well. You sound like a very strong woman. So its in there, its in you. You need to think about you now, what you want and start with that mindset. be selfish as anything when it comes to him. Don't pity him or feel sorry for him when he starts on the next phase of the script and he is all woo is me. He looked into your eyes and lied to you. For 2 years. Just remember that.

That's such a good and insightful post from @Bookworm20

If you want to buy him out, Get a couple of official estimates on the flat. Speak to your bank/ mortgage provider, see if you can afford it.
Then present him with an offer, with the estimates to show that its a reasonable one.
Say, as he wants out, then he should accept, as the person who is responsible fir destroying your life, it is the quickest solution, & will allow you to move on.
He owes you that much.
Lets see how much of a selfish bastard he really is

Oh @Mix56 he made that clear, direct quote: "I don't owe you anything" when I brought it up.

He is not reasonable. I genuinely think he doesn't feel guilt or empathy in this situation. It feels like he has been replaced with a stone cold replica. He doesn't even know that I know his dirty secret and is already playing hardball. This is why my instinct is to keep a low, zero conflict profile.

Be prepared for a complete turn around when he realises you know. Including begging you to give him another chance and complete denial. Also stories like she made him do it, he's not well, you don't understand him etc.

OP you deserve so much better than this. He is not who you thought he was or who he pretends to be xxx

You fear his wrath.
Why does what he think & says dominate ?
You are equals, its time to be the person you are in your professional life.
Intelligent & respected,
No is No.
He very much does owe you, he is the one who has decided to opt out of his marriage vows, leaving you alone after all those years.
He probably has a higher salary?
Do you think he is also going to refuse your offer to buy him out at established market value?

Also I agree with a previous poster.
Di you really want to stay in the flat, with all the memories?
Could it be a good thing to change location? Nearer friends, family, a place you've dreamed of living, nearer work... other

Following your last comments about him saying he doesn't owe you anything. I'm raging on your behalf.
I think it may be time to drop the bombshell of what you know.
It sounds like he is already playing hardball because he thinks he has the upper hand.
If he says again he doesn't owe you anything, i'd tell him actually he owes you quite a bit. For starters he owes you a huge apology for breaking your trust, your marriage vows and lying to you. He owes you the decency of truth. And he owes you your dignity of being able to move on from his betrayal as painlessly as possible. And he can start that by simply agreeing to let you buy him out of the flat.

Be prepared though, once he knows you know, for him to start blaming you, rewriting your entire history together. He may get absolutely brutal and hurtful and say things like he never loved you or you were a rubbish wife. Its all lies to make himself feel 'justified' in being an absolute arsehole. But will still be devastating to hear.

If he does not agree to that and still refuses to move out, then I think you should get the flat on the market and consider that you will have to move. He is currently absolutely having his cake and eating it. Start making his pathetic little life as inconvenient as possible and as uncomfortable as possible.

He is an absolute monster.

Your recognition of your feelings, seeing that they don’t reflect how you see yourself and saying that you wouldn’t take him back, despite how you feel….THAT is your strength @Whatachliche.

Play the long game. You will win. And life will be good again.

He is a monster, yes. And it is not the cheating that makes him one. It's the way he disposes of me in the most uncaring manner. the lying, the gaslighting.
If I said that to him, his argument would be, keeping the affair a secret was the kind thing to do, not to hurt me. He truly has a dark side to him. Of course, like most twisted people, they have a wonderful side too, or at least they fake one.