DH new outlook on life/sex

[TravellingWife]

DH works in the arts. I've always found him to be grounded and level headed despite working with people who definitely aren't. He has been prone to depression and for years he self harmed.
In November he worked away for three weeks with a friend of his who I would describe as a bit of a hippy. He's a nice bloke but has no kids, no long term partner and his own set of issues. I don't think he brings out the best in DH.
When DH arrived back from his trip he declared he had been talking to his friend and his friend had told him that he was going to stop wasting life trying to make others happy. And DH said he was going to do the same. He said he could see his life passing one day at a time and not getting what he wanted in life! This upset me as we have two kids and a pretty nice life with enough money/holidays ect.
So since Nov DH has been pretty much doing his own thing. Booking trips away without inviting us. Cooking food just for himself on occasions. Going boozing on the weekend. Not taking jobs when the money would be helpful as he doesn't fancy it. Spending a sizable amount on new tattoos and clothes.
Obviously this has caused friction but last night he told me that he wanted to be "more free with sex." He said he didn't want to become an old man and not have done the things he wanted to do because he married young. He even suggested at one point he wanted to get into voyeurism! DH has always been pretty vanilla and I would say shy in the bedroom. I asked him to leave and he slept at his mum's last night. He texted me this morning but I haven't replied.
I know it sounds silly but this isn't him. It's like a different person talking. I miss DH so much.

Oh dear. I think the OPs husband .ay have turned up on the thread. Either that or another person with proclivities towards dogging.

It's threads like these that make me so relieved to be single!
Yet another selfish prick putting his needs and wants before that of his children and wife...
As yourself -- if this is how he is going to be, do you want the fucker back?
As PPs have said, hard boundaries and ultimatum time.

I’d have to see a solicitor. Don’t warn him. Get all required paperwork and then see how quickly he changes his tune.

He’s had a lot of support. Hes been awol for some time, and she does everything. It sounds like he’s had far far more support than he could give. The op drew the line at him suggesting sex with other people, which is extremely normal of her!! The op needs support here too. From her kids dad.

Since November? What bullshit. You need a solicitor. He is playing you like a fiddle with a load of lines from this hippy twat friend.

I hope having sole care of the kids for a couple of days knocks some sense into him.

He wants you to be the side act to the grand show of his life. Don't do it.

Entitled selfish self absorbed little cunt. Why do these “men” only ever consider themselves? What if YOU wanted a break or to go travelling? He wouldn’t be ok with that now would he? Oh but it’s ok for him cos why? Cos he’s a man? FUCK HIM. He’s definitely already met someone too. Divorce the loser see how he likes his new free spirit lifestyle then. Ew so so entitled, so pathetic. I hope he picks up some tropical STI on his bohemian travels and his cocks turns gangrenous and snaps off. Or maybe he’d find that totally raaaaaad maaan and he’d weave it onto a bit of string with some shells and wear it as a cool hippy necklace or give it to his 19 year old beach chick as a symbol of how she’s awoken the sexual revolution within him and how she’s the only one who “gets him” and doesn’t think he’s a creepy old letch who reeks of stale weed and urine.

He sounds like a self absorbed twat.

This is going to sound a bit weird if someone else hasn’t said it but this sounds very familiar. I don’t mean you’ve posted before, I mean the specific stuff he’s saying about not having to make other people happy any more, doing what you want etc. I wonder if it’s a specific thing, like a bit of a questionable men’s movement. I’ve seen it on here before too.

What do you actually want OP?
Your husband has said and done a lot of the things he wants to do, but what about your dreams?
I think going away for a few days and leaving him with the kids is a good idea. Extend it if you can, let him see how unpredictability and selfishness makes a massive impact.
Things can be fixed in your marriage but only if you both want it to . It won’t be easy.
Your children are a joint responsibility , Husband needs to remember that.
How is your relationship with your MIL ?

He seems to be thinking very much along the lines of he wants to have more freedom, but not thought about you having more freedom. I wonder what he would feel about that. Perhaps he needs that spelling out for him.

@TheSnakeCharmer

Oh dear. I think the OPs husband .ay have turned up on the thread. Either that or another person with proclivities towards dogging.

Oh do grow up.

It's not just what he said though is it? It's what he's done.

So since Nov DH has been pretty much doing his own thing. Booking trips away without inviting us. Cooking food just for himself on occasions. Going boozing on the weekend. Not taking jobs when the money would be helpful as he doesn't fancy it. Spending a sizable amount on new tattoos and clothes.
Obviously this has caused friction but last night he told me that he wanted to be "more free with sex."

He's started acting like he's a single man FGS.

Bastard.
Is there any sign of her gaining the strength again to say that it's over?
I think sometimes when the person acts so brazen about what they're doing the partner can be in a state of shock and doesn't have any breathing space to actually think clearly about what they want or what they're actually putting up with.

My father did much the same when I was 9...the only difference is, he was only 18 when he met my mother (who was 5 years older than him). They met in the January, my father turned 19 in the August, my mother was pregnant - and living with my father- by the November. They married on the 31st December the same year. My father turned 20 the day before my older brother was born. He turned 21 2 weeks before I was born. This was back in the late 60s.

Ultimately, after a lot of infidelity on his part, my parents separated when I was 21...so my father was 42. My mother has said that my father also felt like he'd 'missed out'...he was incredibly immature and if my Catholic mother hadn't got pregnant so quickly I doubt their relationship would have lasted (especially as my mother only found out about the age gap when they went to get married...my father had lied about his age). Add in that my father never actually wanted children in the first place - it was always going to end badly.

My parents should have split a good decade before they actually did. A lot of damage was done by my mother's refusal to accept that my father wouldn't stop cheating on her. In the end my father had another affair and left. He married the other woman and is still married to her 34 years later.

He’s only served to make himself sound more pathetic. Thirty when his first kid was born? And he thinks he’s missed out and settled down too young? Fucking hell. He’s tragic.

If he’s not careful he’s going to be sad lonely old man in a teeny weeny beanie, trying to keep up with the ‘’creative’ young bloods. Pathetic.

Yes, I had to keep re-reading as it sounds so familiar! Either several Mumsnetters' husbands are friends with same free-spirited travelling man, or it's a script they're getting from BoringHusbandNoMore dot net.

Or both ... maybe Mr Free-Spirit runs a beachside girlie bar in Thailand, from where he updates his website 🤔

Very glad your feet seem firmly planted on the ground, OP.

He's not thinking about what's likely ahead for his hippy friend, I'd say that the lifestyle mr hippy wants is predicated on having an obedient woman at his beck & call, he'll have a hard time finding anyone gullible enough these days[I hope]

I wonder if he slept with someone else, so he's trying to make you agree that you can be open relationship so he doesn't feel guilty ? Wants to have cake and eat it?

So strange that i assume he expects to retain the benefits of family life whilst doing as he pleases. Please make some of your own selfish choices op

F

The grass isn't always greener on the other side. Let the cagey coward faceplant in it so that he can see for himself.

Yes, I really think it’s a thing! It’s a bit like that whole weird pick up artist thing, where there was pretty much a script, but the version of it when you’re already in a relationship. Yuck.

I think he is treating you as a doormat and you are allowing him to do so . Put a stop to it . He can’t do things that make him happy when those things make everyone else unhappy . If he wants to lead a bachelor party lifestyle then get a divorce and find a proper partner . He is doing this because he gets away with it . Once he realised the Garda is not greener he will regret his midlife selfish crisis

Yes, this is what I'd say to him.

Not wanting to make other people happy means not doing things to make his kids happy. Maybe he regrets having them young but you can't undo that. The kind of person who tries is a prick.

This idea that society tells people that they need a period to be free has a lot to answer for. We're never really free, we always have obligations to others.