DH new outlook on life/sex

[TravellingWife]

DH works in the arts. I've always found him to be grounded and level headed despite working with people who definitely aren't. He has been prone to depression and for years he self harmed.
In November he worked away for three weeks with a friend of his who I would describe as a bit of a hippy. He's a nice bloke but has no kids, no long term partner and his own set of issues. I don't think he brings out the best in DH.
When DH arrived back from his trip he declared he had been talking to his friend and his friend had told him that he was going to stop wasting life trying to make others happy. And DH said he was going to do the same. He said he could see his life passing one day at a time and not getting what he wanted in life! This upset me as we have two kids and a pretty nice life with enough money/holidays ect.
So since Nov DH has been pretty much doing his own thing. Booking trips away without inviting us. Cooking food just for himself on occasions. Going boozing on the weekend. Not taking jobs when the money would be helpful as he doesn't fancy it. Spending a sizable amount on new tattoos and clothes.
Obviously this has caused friction but last night he told me that he wanted to be "more free with sex." He said he didn't want to become an old man and not have done the things he wanted to do because he married young. He even suggested at one point he wanted to get into voyeurism! DH has always been pretty vanilla and I would say shy in the bedroom. I asked him to leave and he slept at his mum's last night. He texted me this morning but I haven't replied.
I know it sounds silly but this isn't him. It's like a different person talking. I miss DH so much.

It sounds very much like a midlife crisis. He needs to choose what he wants. Be clear you want the marriage, but that you are his wife and he should treat you with respect and love. I hope you manage to work it out.

Maybe a trial separation would be on the cards, let him see how much he likes living on his own and playing the field, I’m sure he would find it’s not as much fun as he thinks it is……. Dating is a minefield that people who got together when they are young / have been together a long time sometimes don’t realise

Sounds like midlife crisis. How old is he?
My friend did this to his wife and 3 children. Returned after 18 months, when finally realised that the grass isn't greener on the other side. He was 47-48.

Honestly it sounds very inconsistent and designed to keep you on the hook. I would be thinking very hard about your finances and divorce.

Yes this.

There’s no such actual thing as a mid-life crisis. Calling dickish male behaviour that just minimises it. Women don’t get to have them.

As @Chersfrozenface says, mirror his behaviour. Check how much he ha spent on tattoos etc and spend just as much on yourself, quickly and with great excitement. Spend the same on each of the DC, because they too mustn't miss out and suffer the same appalling fate he did in his youth, so pack in the expensive experiences right now! Go manic with self expression and pursuit of pleasure of your own. Buy expensive clothes and tickets to really expensive gigs and treats for DC. If he questions it, use his exact language back at him, with really innocent enthusiasm. He may hear what a twat he sounds if he is on the receiving end.

This was my ex- whole aesthetic reboot; clothes, the hair, more tattoos and he even got a nose piercing. This was before I found out he was in relationship with a much much younger woman whilst I was pregnant. Needless to say my ex lived out his party boy renewed sense of youth until he realised he wasn’t ever going to be 20 again, no matter what hipster band T-shirt he had on.

I’m not saying the same thing is happening in your situation but it’s just really familiar. My take away: I wish I hadn’t put up with the disrespect for so long, it ate away at my confidence. I wished I’d kicked my ex out sooner and empowered myself in the process.

The very thing your DH has said he will no longer do, ie wasting life trying to make others happy, he is effectively forcing onto you as you’re having to accommodate his selfishness to make him happy… If that makes sense? How is that fair.
I hope everything works out for you guys, but remember you’ve got to look after you and if you’re not happy you need to make your needs known.

He might not have cheated with another women - but what about his hippy friend?

The way he's going about this is shitty, but my sympathy for his impulse towards freedom depends on how your relationship started.

Did you each freely choose to be in a serious monogamous domestic relationship since he was 19 and you were 22; and the children came along later? Or was he a 19 year old trying to do the right thing because he got a random 22 year old sexual partner pregnant? Or something in between?

Sending love @TravellingWife
Maybe a few days alone with the kids will give him some realisation of half of what you do and what is done for him!

Afraid he can't have both of never looked at another woman and there being lots of temptation. Your right to be annoyed, start getting your ducks in a row with finances etc hopefully he will realise he's being a dick if not then your sorted

So since Nov DH has been pretty much doing his own thing. Booking trips away without inviting us. Cooking food just for himself on occasions. Going boozing on the weekend. Not taking jobs when the money would be helpful as he doesn't fancy it. Spending a sizable amount on new tattoos and clothes.
Obviously this has caused friction but last night he told me that he wanted to be "more free with sex." He said he didn't want to become an old man and not have done the things he wanted to do because he married young. He even suggested at one point he wanted to get into voyeurism!

Apart from the cooking food just for himself on occasion[cant see a whole lot wrong with that personally], I think you need to work out where you stand on the rest of it.

She told him it was over and he said he couldn't bear to lose her, but he couldn't give up his new life either. He told her he would be home a few nights a week and that his party life was "separate" from his home life so she should just be happy that he wasn't leaving her 🤔. Asshole also took wall pictures and mirrors from their home (that she bought) as his hostel bedroom wasn't "homely" enough.

This is an interesting point. We were always exclusive (sorry sounds very corny and American) but went out a lot together and separate. Still did our own things but did plenty together. He was 30 a few weeks after DD was born. She was planned and talked about and DS was 2 years after. They are both very young still.

What a knob!! He is being so selfish OP! He doesn't get to regret settling down so young and having kids. He's a grown ass man with responsibilities. Is he really saying that he would like to put his desire for casual sex above providing a loving and secure relationship with his children?? He's living in fantasy land!!

If he thinks that the grass is greener on the other side, I would remind him that:

He will need to find and find a new place to live, whilst providing child maintenance for you to keep a roof over your kids heads.

That he will one day need to explain to the kids why he chose casual sex and a lack of commitment over them.

That he might damage his relationship with them permanently.

That he will no longer be able to work away as often and may have to change jobs due to childcare issues.

That, if you decide not to continue with your relationship after this, he will most likely have to deal with any future partner that you have parenting his children.

Men rarely think these things through. They are absolute twats.

Well done you and how offensive of him, I bet he genuinely believes he deserves that pat on the back 🤮

I hope you get some space to think. Please don’t minimise your reaction, while he is entitled to tell you how he feels, he is just as responsible for keeping your lives together as you are. Try and put across that you would love to go travelling/do XYZ but you have children. Say if he wants time to himself then you must get equal ‘you’ time. So it might mean changing his job to facilitate that. See what he thinks of that…

Yeah .. chercher le femme

I don't think he's said anything that bad, some of these PP saying he'd needs to change his career and calling him all these derogatory names is batshit. He's your husband and clearly needs your support right now. He's going through something and you can either wok through it together or be a bully and make him feel much worse.

And what would he do if you came to the same decision and left?

oh it’s only men who get to do this!!!

(actually I do know one woman who did, but very much a rarity)

Then zero sympathy! He chose to become a father as a fully-gown man in a decade-long relationship.

You've had a lot of different good advice. I'd probably focus first on how he's going to meet his co-parenting responsibilities, and accept that the relationship side of things is an open question and ongoing discussion. Although it hurts like hell, it's not realistic or even possible to nail down a relationship commitment if one person's identity is in flux. All you can do is figure out your own boundaries and stick to them, as best you can.

It does sound as though he’s had his head turned. Selfish fucker.

Agree with PP, get your finances in order, maybe some legal advice. He has one foot out the door already.

Shag his best mate then see how free he wants to be with sex 🙄mid life crisis written all over it unfortunately.

@TravellingWife hes talking bollocks. Myself and a friend started going out with our husbands in school, like nearly just at the friendship age. None of us feel we missed out and that it’s actually really special. You hooking up at 19/22 is similar to most of my friends who married people they hooked up with at uni. So for me meeting someone later in life is the abnormal part in my friendship group.
He’s not midlife, he’s just wanting permission to have an affair in the open so you’ll stay with him. Well done on leaving him with the kids to stay with your sister.

Yikes. I was going to go against the grain and suggest that you find a way to talk about it together, until I read what he said about there being lots of temptation at work.

To be quite honest, if this was me, I'd really just say - go ahead then. And talk about next steps in terms of him moving out, what's happening with the kids, child support, custody arrangements, and so on. Unless he's suggesting an open relationship and you're open to that idea.

If you want to stay together and you can afford couples therapy together it would probably be worth it. It's easy for strangers on the internet to just jump to "leave him", but the reality is that you might want to stay together and, if so, you'll need to find a way to work through what is coming up for both of you.

If you stay together and just ignore the issue, it won't go away.

"Many of us didn't have a wild youth, settled down early, etc. It's not a fate worse than death".

I have only ever slept with my now husband. I met him in my teens and we were each' first serious relationship. I love the fact that I didn't go through the same drunken sexapades as my friends, endure the same heartaches, worry about whether I would ever meet the one all through my 20s and early 30s. I loved that we got on the housing ladder early before prices went crazy, that we travelled together etc. I have lots of friends in the same position. There are lots of positives of settling down early. It's pretty immature to suddenly regret those decisions that you made and enjoyed/benefitted from at the time. You didn't hold him hostage. He made those decisions because they obviously suited his character.

What makes him think that, if he'd shagged around in his 20s, he would have got it out of his system? In reality he would almost certainly still feel as though he was missing out, when he had to stay in and look after the kids. Because, let's face it, looking after young children is relentless, frustrating and suffocating at times. It's a tough slog. But also a rewarding one. I'm sure that many men (and women) miss their freedom when they have babies and young children and would love to be out letting their hair down and absolve themselves of responsibility. Most don't however, because they are sufficiently grown up to realise that they chose to have children and have responsibilities towards them.

He's being very immature in the way that he is selectively choosing to compare what he perceives to be the best parts of others lives with the more mundane of his own, whilst discounting the best parts of his life and ignoring the worst parts of others.

I also like the use of the word 'peeping Tom's that someone used. It takes the perceived glamour out of 'voyeurism'.