DH new outlook on life/sex

[TravellingWife]

DH works in the arts. I've always found him to be grounded and level headed despite working with people who definitely aren't. He has been prone to depression and for years he self harmed.
In November he worked away for three weeks with a friend of his who I would describe as a bit of a hippy. He's a nice bloke but has no kids, no long term partner and his own set of issues. I don't think he brings out the best in DH.
When DH arrived back from his trip he declared he had been talking to his friend and his friend had told him that he was going to stop wasting life trying to make others happy. And DH said he was going to do the same. He said he could see his life passing one day at a time and not getting what he wanted in life! This upset me as we have two kids and a pretty nice life with enough money/holidays ect.
So since Nov DH has been pretty much doing his own thing. Booking trips away without inviting us. Cooking food just for himself on occasions. Going boozing on the weekend. Not taking jobs when the money would be helpful as he doesn't fancy it. Spending a sizable amount on new tattoos and clothes.
Obviously this has caused friction but last night he told me that he wanted to be "more free with sex." He said he didn't want to become an old man and not have done the things he wanted to do because he married young. He even suggested at one point he wanted to get into voyeurism! DH has always been pretty vanilla and I would say shy in the bedroom. I asked him to leave and he slept at his mum's last night. He texted me this morning but I haven't replied.
I know it sounds silly but this isn't him. It's like a different person talking. I miss DH so much.

Well, he can't have his cake and eat it. If he wants to leave you and DCs he should be honest and admit it to himself and to you. The move out and pay child support and take his share of custody.

@p1ppyL0ngstocking puts it well - he probably wouldn't accept the boot being on the other foot.

But I can see the point of those saying at least talk it through - my guess is his ideal is he can go sow his oats for a bit and then come to you and DCs after he's 'got it out of his system', but it doesn't work that way. He needs to pick one and commit. It may be when he thinks about it some more and gets real he knows he loves you and has responsibility to the kids.

You need to stop minimising this immediately

It’s not ‘silly’ to be concerned about the fact your DH is pissing all over his marriage and family.

It does sound like a crisis, but your needs are as important as his and the kids more so.

Right now he’s checked out of marriage and parenthood, I would tell him you either have counselling to see if you can find a path though or you separate. Perhaps you can reach an agreement where he gets a few (dates pre agreed) wild weekends a year, but he cannot behave like a teen while he’s a husband and father.

Hopefully he’ll pull himself together when he realises what he will loose, but comsellimg can really help with a civilised separation so it’s worth doing it anyway.

While you are sorting it I would develop a plan for how you will manage after separation if you need to - child care and money etc. it sounds like you work?

Whether his hippy mate has encouraged him or not, your husband is feeling the shackles of marriage and fatherhood tightening, and he wants to be free. He's been with you since the age of 19, and now he wants to live the life of a footloose and fancy free young man. He's quite possibly had his head turned by another woman as well.

Let him go. Let him do exactly what he wants, but not without getting a firm financial plan in place to protect you and the children.

Then he can swan off to moon parties in Thailand to his heart's content. He'll soon realise the grass isn't greener. But hopefully you'll have moved on by the time he comes crawling back.

This.

Theres no point in you having A Serious Talk where you tell him he’s selfish and can’t act like this. Because he doesn’t care that he’s selfish and he’s already acting like this. Also you are playing into the Boring Wife role that he ( and his mate ) have cast you in.

You need to play him at his own game.

Tell him that you’ve been thinking about everything he said to you about not being tied down / living your best life / all that shit. And you’ve realised how right he is and how unhappy you are with your OWN life.

Go into details about all the things you don’t like eg housework , staying home while he works away such .

Tell him about about your dreams and wants . Just make sure they are

• the same kind of thing as his dreams but not the same of course
• involve maximum inconvenience for him
• involve him caring for the children/doing housework / walking the dog / caring for his granny etc

Then come up with a new plan for your lives that involved you having all this Fun and freedom for half the time. tell him you’ve realised that doing your boring pffice job ( or whatever you do ) isn’t your true self and you are going to find yourself by quitting your job and doing X instead .

Try to make this as plausible as possible eg if you do yoga, tell him you are going to teach yoga , but first you need to go an a 4 week retreat to Thailand etc.

If he says things like “ oh you never wanted to travel before “ , reply that you don’t want to waste your life not being your true self , that you’ve had an epiphany /

Sit and watch him tell you how that’s all impractical and what about the kids/ budgie / mortgage.

If you don’t do this, he won’t change . Why should he - he’s very happy with his new life and he doesn’t give a flying fuck about your feelings. So a plan that’s based on him changing his behaviour so that you feel happier is doomed to failure.

I wasted five years of my life pleading and begging and negotiating with my ( now ex) husband to change . He would change 1% for a few weeks and then revert. Because he LIKED living the way he did and he saw me a a service machine / animal to facilitate that.

The thing is, you can't actually force someone to do 50%. I think statistically it's more likely the Dad does one evening and every other weekend.

Aw, poor baby didn't get to enjoy his youth? 🙄He chose to marry young and have children. A decent person would accept that you can't just drastically change the rules in a marriage on a whim. This is his life, with a wife, kids, and responsibilities. He can still have new experiences and explore other aspects of life, but he has to do it within reason, without going off the rails. He's behaving like an overgrown spoilt brat who thinks his wishes outweigh his obligations.

Many of us didn't have a wild youth, settled down early, etc. It's not a fate worse than death. The point is that you can't have your cake and eat it, too, which seems to be what he's wanting to do.

I'd try to spell out in terms even he can understand that he has a very good life and is dangerously close to throwing it away. Once he's alienated you, that's it. It's all over, and he's kidding himself if he thinks his new lifestyle won't negatively affect his other relationships, as well.

Sure, but she'll see his true colours then very quickly if he decides he's going to do the bare minimum and expects her to have zero freedom while he has all the freedom, and hopefully that means she won't tolerate him trying out this new lifestyle while she waits in the wings hoping for him to come back, hopefully in that case she'll take his choice away and tell him to go and fuck off.

I guarantee if the OP put that suggestion to him then he'll be falling over himself trying to explain why it's 'different' for men and why he should be allowed to do x, y and z but she shouldn't. And that it's ok for him to not be bothered making other people happy, but that the OP doesn't have that same freedom.

It's not a real suggestion. The plan is to show him how selfish and ridiculous he's being.

I don't think it's worth telling him he'd selfish or how he is throwing away a good life.. because right now he doesn't think it's a good life or the life he wants.
He will admit to being selfish but he will see it as justified as he has bought into the "it's ok to be selfish as I need to follow my dreams , live my best life....blah blah"
This attitude is prevelant in society...the one being more important than the whole and sod who gets hurt...

I'd tell him anyway and when he admits to being selfish and about how he needs to follow his dreams and blah blah I'd tell him to remember the conversation in future when he was crying over his lost family....and then tell him to fuck off back to his mothers!

He enjoyed staying at his mothers, he could do what he wanted ( without responsability of wife and kids) and please himself, I would think he sounds like he would nearly preferred to be single again

Why don’t you say to him how would this marriage and childcare work if you also decided to behave like him, why should he get to please himself and do what suits him when you can’t because of responsabilities

Interesting that he's able to do all these things because you're shouldering the childcare and other responsibilities. Wouldn't all parents love a bit of their old freedom back sometimes? Of course, but acting on it like he has is so selfish. If you chose to do the same he'd have to look after everything else, crazy when the guy can't see that angle.

If he has been with you since he was 19, it does sound like he has changed the direction of his life in a major way - the proverbial mid life crisis.

From your descriptions, it sounds like he wants all the freedom of being single again. Perhaps he thinks it is easily done with the nature of his job.

Honestly at that point I'd just start doing the same as him and seeing how it makes him feel (obviously without going OTT money wise, cost of living and all that).

EG, go out drinking or dancing (or both!) with some mates one evening and tell him he has to look after the kids, because you're just making the most out of your life rather than trying to live to please other people.

Suggest one of your own sexual interests you'd like to explore (preferably one you know he might be a bit taken aback by as he has done to you).

Go get a haircut you've always wanted but have been apprehensive about getting for whatever reason!
(My mum did this with my dad during a midlife crisis once. He liked her hair long and she'd always wanted it cut short/er. He decided he wanted to buy a boat, so she cut her hair lol)

When my mum and friends have had similar, their DH's/DP's seemed to 180 the second tables are turned and the Mrs joins in on their "new outlook"!

Would you try marriage counselling?? I think it’s very shit of him to have make choices with you eg marriage kids etc and now to say actually I’m doing it on different terms. Seems to me he is or was unhappy with the deal and therefore is seeking change but it’s a shitty way to do it. I’d be suggesting marriage counselling and working out what my own red lines were here. He seems oblivious to the hurt this would cause you… v selfish. Best of luck xxx

He needs to choose. His new approach to life and sex or his life with you and his family. Because there is no way you should be expected to sit there while he either works this through, or decides he's actually living the dream and sticks with it for good. He is acting very immaturely, firstly by being influenced by his friend in the first place and secondly by thinking he can adopt this new behaviour without negative impact on his family (assuming he cares) and can have it all. Life is choices and when you go down one path you close off another.
Oh, and don't dignify this with a title 'mid life crisis' as this just makes it sound like something inevitable they can't help, that happens to all men, like menopause, and that if you're patient, they pass through it, and all is good. Regrets and sadness at getting older might be inevitable, acting like a selfish fool and aspiring peeping Tom, is not.

He is having a cliched mid life crisis. Either he was not honest with what he wanted and has been going along with the easy option during your marriage, or he has changed. What I dont understand is why you are trying to absolve him of responsibility?This IS your husband, the friend may not be the most stable person but this is your husband seeing what he can get away with. It may pass, but you need to hold him accountable for his actions.

What a wanker.

He chose to have children and now he just gets to decide life is boring and he can’t be bothered?! Fuck him.

Tell him you are feeling trapped and bored, and would like to take a secondment and go travelling and leave the kids with him for 6 months. So he will have to find a different job. Because you fancy an Eat Pray Love phase.

I'd say to him: some people marry, have kids, a job, and feel they missed out on navel gazing and patying and pleasing themselves. Some people freewheel and then discover they missed out on true intimacy and the honour of supporting and raising children, and modelling strong adult behaviour, so they flourish under his trust and love.
Which are you? Someone who will regret raising children when he could have partied and had more tattoos, or someone who will regret sprnding his money and time on parties and tats when he could have been there for his children?
Your choice. But when they're grown, they're grown. Children can't be put on ice while we indulge our mid life crises.

Is mid life crisis code for selfish sod that wants to shag someone else on here

I would be asking him to leave immediately.

Give him the shock of his life, he either realises what he is about to lose or he will go gladly. Either way you have your answer. He is treating you so badly.

You need to find your backbone. And self respect. I would be furious. He is either already having an affair or planning one and I couldn’t accept any of this behaviour.

Get your finances in order op. Get legal advice. Move money and protect yourself.

Evening.
We've had a chat. There's been lots of tears. I'm going to drive to my sister's and stay there for two nights as he is going away for work on Tuesday. He has the kids so I'm going to have some thinking time.
He kept saying he hadn't cheated and he had never looked at another woman. He admitted he felt that he missed out because we got together young and that there is lots of temptation around his work. This annoyed me as it felt like he was patting himself on the back for not sleeping with other people.

There’s lots of temptation but also he hasn’t even looked at another woman?

Then where is the temptation? It’s only temptation if you look and are tempted?

He hasn't cheated but there's a lot of "temptation" around his work? Hmm, is there now? Funny how he just had to mention that.

He's talking out of both sides of his mouth and I wouldn't believe any of it. He's been setting you up all along, he's just panicking because you're challenging him.

He's trying to break the news to you slowly. Don't buy it.

Honestly OP, I think you need to start planning your life without him - he seems determined to upend his life in search of something exciting. Leave him to his hippy adventures, you will never be able to compete with them anyway. Protect yourself and your children.